5 Signs Your Closest Friends Are The Most Envious Of You
Pretty much all of my life, someone has had something either very complimentary or super slick to say about my personal style. As far as the slick folks went, I always wondered why they cared so much. Especially ones like a particular friend of mine.
I'll explain. For a couple of years now, I've had a ring in my nose. The first time she saw it, her exact words were, "Did you pierce your nose?! Girl, you look crazy." Oh, but recently, I saw her and guess what she had? I don't even need to say it, right? Exactly. So, either both of us look crazy now or someone was being a pseudo hater once upon a time. I know what my personal vote is.
Anyway, this article isn't about me and my pseudo hatin' friends. Well, it's not just about me (and them). I just thought that since I can count on more than all of my fingers and toes when something like that has happened to me, I'd share some signs that you might also have friends who are a little green with envy—whether it's super-obvious—to them or to you—or not.
That way, you can spot envy for what it is, address the issue (if need be), and keep on feeling good about yourself! After all, if someone is envious of you, that is their problem—not yours. Here are signs your friend is envious of you.
They Copy You. A LOT.
Although some people think that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, personally, I don't. It's one of my pet peeves, actually.
Being friends with someone doesn't make them your Siamese Twin. Shoot, let me tell it, a part of the beauty of real friendship is being able to recognize each other's distinctions and, rather than feeling threatened by them or even wanting to copy them, you are able to celebrate them. Think about shows like Girlfriends or Sex in the City. Did Joan dress like Toni? Did Carrie look like Miranda? NOPE. And everyone was still dope.
If you've got a friend who 1) is short on compliments but 2) shows up rockin' your you-ness more times than not, what's up with that? Maybe ask. Nicely. Copying oftentimes has more to it than what meets the eye.
They Downplay Your Achievements
Healthy friendships? They are all about encouragement and support. That's because everyone involved wants to see each other win. This means that when good things happen, at the very least, there is a heartfelt "Congrats, girl!"—not radio silence, side-eyeing or backhanded compliments; ones like, "I mean, you've been in that position at work so long that they had to acknowledge you at some point, right?"
Good friends are just as excited for each other's come ups as they are their own. If this is a foreign concept to you as far as your besties are concerned, while it's not a 100 percent indication that your friends are envious, it's definitely not something to shrug off as being no big deal.
Meanwhile, They Are Constantly Trying to "One Up" You
You know the type. You start a blog and two weeks later, they've got a new website. You've got a T-shirt line and now suddenly they are fashion designers. You and your boo are exclusive and they're suddenly talking about marriage with the guy they're not even "official" with yet.
Or, it could be something more subtle like you trying to share some of your dreams and goals as they attempt to make their bucket list seem so much more fly.
It's one thing to be inspired by your friends. It's another thing for your friendships to be nothing short of competitions. If you feel like your friends are always trying to be "better" than you in order to prove a point to you, that is toxic. You know what else? They aren't truly your friends.
They Talk About Your Achievements to Others (But Never to You)
This one right here is the absolute worst. Do you ever hear about how good you're doing via someone else that your friend has been talking to? You know what I mean—getting texts from someone about your promotion or receiving a DM from a past boyfriend about some other kind of come up of yours. When you ask where they heard the update from, they mention your friend, yet when you're around that same friend, they don't say a word to you about how good things are going for you?
Be careful. If they can't be happy for you in front of you, that's a problem.
And as far as the people they are talking about you to? I'll just put it this way—there's bragging on friends and then there's gossiping about them. When you've got an envious friend in your life, usually there's a very fine line between the two.
You Can Never Just BE with Them
When someone is envious of another individual, it means they are discontent with themselves; they somehow believe that if they had someone else's looks, relationships, or achievements, somehow it will make them feel better. I didn't come to that conclusion on my own; it's a textbook definition. And when someone is that unhappy within, it's hard for them to be happy for anyone else.
One of the most undetected signs that a friend is envious of you is if, no matter what you say or do, they are still miserable—and somehow you've got something to do with it.
Life is hard enough without someone trying to make you feel responsible for their own self-worth and value. That said, if any of this resonated, confront the green-eyed monster in the eye by sharing with your friend(s) how you've been feeling. Don't go on the attack, but do ask them if there is a reason why it seems like there is tension, competition, or the inability to just relax and BE in one another's space.
If they're a good friend, they'll be open to the conversation. You'll be able to find some sort of healing and resolve.
If they aren't a true friend, well—they'll go on the defensive and either totally shut you down or try and flip the script. It won't be a comfortable experience (trust me, I've been there), but at least you'll get some confirmation that yep—you have a friend who was, at least a little bit, envious of you. And once you know what, you can realign your boundaries so that it doesn't have to affect/infect you any longer.
Related Stories:
The 5 Must-Have Friends Everyone Needs - Read More
The Self-Care of Ghosting Toxic Girlfriends - Read More
8 Signs That You Might Be the Toxic Friend of the Group - Read More
Featured image via Giphy
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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