The Truth About Transitioning From Relaxed To Natural
My story is not sponsored by any natural hair companies, I am not a brand ambassador with thousands of social media followers, and quite frankly, I had ZERO interest in transitioning from relaxer… Until, my hair broke off.
There is no greater irony than me promoting the natural journey because I never "chose" the natural hair life. To this day, I still reconnect with friends who can't believe I transitioned my hair. I used to be that friend who would troll die-hard naturalistas, comparing them to those vegan activists on Twitter. I was like, "Girl, keep your pamphlets and leave me aloneeeee." My hair was long and healthy with a relaxer. You couldn't tell me anything, and life was great, until it wasn't.
In January 2015, after coming back from college, my hairstylist – who I love to death – told me that over ¾ of my length had to go. Dazed, I agreed. But after the cut, I stared in the mirror in horror. I looked like Johnny Depp in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory met a 40-year-old politician. There was no salvaging it. No bun, no ponytail, nada. Just me and this Johnny Depp haircut.
For the next 18 months, I lived my life in protective styles, wigs, weave, braids, etc. Nobody saw my hair. I didn't even see my hair. It was a figment of my imagination, tucked away in cornrows, somewhere off in Transition-Land. I kept telling myself that the wait would be worth it. I just needed to be patient and grow my hair out as quickly as possible so I could relax it again.
But, everything changed when I saw my hair.
For what felt like my whole life, I was so against the idea of embracing my natural hair but I had never actually seen it. My hair had been relaxed since elementary school, so I didn't know what my texture was, or that it could grow so quickly. When I took my weave out and finally had a chance to see my new growth, I was surprisingly emotional. Claiming love at first sight would be a bit dramatic, but I felt this indescribable sense of wholeness and self-acceptance.
I had curls. They were beautiful. They were mine.
But, this natural hair nirvana didn't last long.
During the winter of 2016, I cut off my remaining relaxed ends and began attempting, yes, attempting to wear my hair naturally. I quickly learned that not all products *cough cough Cantu* will provide you with the luscious, perfectly defined curls the YouTube influencers are promoting. After spending $70+ on natural hair products, spending an hour on what like felt like an extreme powerlifting arm workout, breaking several combs, and draining my wifi to stream instructional videos, (there is no greater hurt than when your twist out comes out trash), it's a knife to your heart and self-confidence. For a split second, a relaxer seems like a better option. The real ones know.
I think social media glorifies the natural hair transition process, when in reality, it often requires a lot of patience, persistence, and experimentation.
Some people just have it easy from Day 1, but many people don't. My hair texture isn't even that difficult to work with, but the natural hair journeys I was observing on social media weren't the ones that came with heat damage, 3-4 different curl patterns in different parts of your scalp, or accurately showcased the frustration when a desired end product wasn't achieved. There were days where I was so frustrated with my hair that I would cry – and I never cry so that says a lot.
Related: One But Not Equal: Natural Hair Is Not The Same
Every failed twist out or unsuccessful hair product was a tough pill to swallow, but my growing appreciation and fascination with my hair kept me going. The promise of YouTube-worthy hair wouldn't have been enough. I had to truly embrace what was growing out of MY scalp in order to justify looking crazy every once in a while.
Fast-forward three years and 20 inches later, I am proud of how far my hair has come. There are still surprises, but for the most part, transitioning definitely got easier with time. Your hair begins to train itself to be receptive to certain products, and in my case, the weight of my longer hair has made my curls fall more evenly. Now that the original struggles of transitioning my hair are mostly behind me, I can't imagine going back to the r-word: Relaxer.
I probably straighten my hair more than some natural ladies I know and tend to wear my hair in a messy bun most of the time, but I am free. I've become one of the people I used to make fun of: #naturalgang #curlspoppin #relaxerwhere #naturalista.
My original resentment towards my natural hair was keeping me captive. Curls, braids, weaves, wigs, ponytails, straight – we can change styles every day if we want to.
Black hair lets us do it all and I have embraced my natural hair as a part of this versatility.
The question isn't whether or not to transition your hair, but what is keeping you from or motivating you to transition. If your refusal is rooted in societal beauty standards or pure ignorance (as in my case), dive deeper. If you are solely motivated by the glossy pictures of Instagram influencers, dive deeper. And if relaxers are truly what make you happy and beautiful, don't let anyone stand in your way. There is no "u" in hair – just "I". This is YOUR journey.
For my transitioning ladies, I see you. Keep those arms up. Brush that failed twist out up into a puff. Take a selfie when the curls are poppin. Stay strong.
*Featured image by Getty Images
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Lydia is a recent Ivy League graduate who is passionate about using her voice to enact change in minority and female communities. Dubbed the "Intern Queen," she has worked 8+ internships in diverse industries, including Wall Street firms and the Obama White House, and is now bringing her career and lifestyle tips to you! Meet Lydia on Instagram @queen_of_anglin and Twitter @its_lit_dia.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images