Everything You Missed On 'Love Is Blind' Season 4 Episodes 1-3
Cue the vulnerability, the new season of Love Is Blind premiered today, and with it came the release of the season's first batch of episodes, episodes 1-5. And whether you tune in because you're a believer in true love or you’re skeptical at how many couples navigate the inevitable red flags they encounter throughout the show, Love Is Blind Season 4 will surely be cemented in our minds and our tea-time conversations for weeks to come. Yes, there will be love, and while I don't bask in the sorrow of others, yes, there will be tears. What more can you ask for from high-stakes reality TV?
For brevity's sake, I’m focusing on the melanated contestants and giving first impressions and highlights of their journey throughout episodes 1-3, beginning with the first three episodes that focus on couples making love connections inside of the Pods. The recap for episodes 4-5 that feature the post-Pods engaged couples will soon follow.
Editor's Note: These are my thoughts in real-time as I am watching each episode; spoilers are most definitely ahead!
Episodes 1-3: During the Pods
Kwame
Courtesy of Netflix
33, Sales Development Manager
Let me just say, with Kwame, the edit he received from the jump wasn’t the best, and I have a feeling the internet might go in a little bit on some of the soundbites he gave when we’re first introduced to him. From his storytime about having to prove his worthiness to the parents of his prom date, who wouldn’t let her go with him because “I’m Black,” to his early admission of thinking of using his first name “Alex” in the Pods instead of the name he usually goes by (Kwame) so that there were no assumptions from the other non-Black singles, the edit sometimes did him very little favors.
As a viewer, the point of the experiment is that “love is blind,” and to me, it felt like I could pinpoint very specific instances where it seemed Kwame was doing his best to still connect the dots between him and his real-world preference within the Pods. But maybe I misunderstood the point. However cringy his revelations of his dating history, they served as indicators that there was a chip on his shoulder, and I feel that shows in the way he dates in the Pods.
Case in point, feeling worthy is important to him, and there are times he seems to question that. He is into a woman named Micah, who is clearly lukewarm af about him (until she isn’t), as well as a woman named Chelsea, who is sure about him and has always been sure about him, but for whatever reason, Kwame can’t get Micah out of his head. What he likes about Chelsea, though, is that she validates him constantly, and he makes it a point to say this a few times over the course of the Pods episodes. See what I’m saying about those needing to feel worthy?
Although Kwame has things he likes about Chelsea overall, the trait that makes the top of his list when he is explaining her to other contestants, women and men alike, is that she validates him. For someone who might have navigated a dating scene where he always doubted himself and what he brought to the table, having someone like Chelsea in his corner who is constantly pouring into him in that way unprompted is something that feeds him in a way he didn’t know he was starving for. Will he choose Micah (side eye) or Chelsea, the woman who has been sure about wanting to be with him from minute one?
The answer of who Kwame should choose becomes a lot clearer as the episodes progress, and it becomes obvious to anyone with eyes that Micah is playing games and doing her best to secure her place on the series, whether it’s with Kwame or another contestant, Paul. Does she have real feelings for Kwame? I think so, in a way, but it’s definitely not the same energy Kwame gives to the courtship process in the Pods.
Though I loved his proposal to Chelsea (because Kwame can articulate his feelings so well, man), and Chelsea’s words back to him especially, the fact that I’m privy to some of his exchanges with Micah (including the fact that his strong connection with Chelsea was also about her validating and reassuring him of her feelings for him constantly) really made it hard for Kwame’s words to hit the way they could have.
His confessing to Micah that he wanted to propose to her earlier than he originally intended because she is “what I always envisioned” didn’t help alleviate those feelings of cringe I had that Chelsea probably wasn’t privy to these interactions pre-engagement. Sir was boo-hoo crying when Micah gave her official notice that she wanted to explore other connections (i.e., Paul) even though all the signs pointed to “Not Micah.” Honestly, how everything transpired gave me Jarette-Mallory-Iyanna teas from Love Is Blind Season 2, and I wish that on no woman. And I actually rock with Chelsea.
For that reason, the sweetness of what it should have been with Kwame’s proposal to Chelsea was a bit tainted. Chelsea said off-rip that she has never been with someone she could say in her “soul” that he is the person she wants to be with. It looks like Kwame could finally be that one. In all fairness, she is aware of his sadness over Micah “ending things,” but I’m certain she is not privy to the depths of all that transpired.
I just hope that by popping the question to Chelsea, he understands what he has and doesn’t get caught up in the shoulda, woulda, coulda of Micah that is sure to come in the episodes where the cast members inevitably interact with one another.
Tiffany
Courtesy of Netflix
Client Recruiter, 36
Now that the unpleasantness is out of the way, let's segue into a palette cleanser, otherwise known as my girl in my head, Tiffany! Yes, she's my girl. There was something about her that made me connect with her most immediately of all the contestants shown. However, I probably have a lot less to say about her because she has quickly secured her position on my list of "Love Is Blind: Season 4 Unproblematic Faves." At 36, she is one of the older cast members of the season, and it is her age that she admits made her feel insecure about coming into the experiment.
Tiffany tells the camera at one point that being her age makes her nervous about still not having her person, but she is all-in with this love experiment because she doesn't have "to shift through the BS" that is the dating scene in 2023 or any era really. She knows that whoever she is talking to is just as ready for marriage as she is.
Early in the first episode, she confesses to Brett that her longest relationship was 2 ½ years and happened more than a decade ago. He quickly reveals a similar romantic history in his past, and you can tell it was a vulnerable moment for Tiffany. We see the relief wash over her that she made a similar connection with someone else on something she was ashamed about. It was at that moment that I felt it between her and Brett.
Though she talked briefly with Marshall, who was a lot younger than her, her primary connection would be with Brett. Each scene we watch play out on screen feels like the intentional unlocking of a new level of intimacy. Something about their shared values and the fact that maybe they have some similarities with what they've experienced in love makes my heart flutter a bit during their first meeting in the Pods, and much of that continues throughout their time in the Pods.
Courtesy of Netflix
Later in the episode, I love how Tiffany owned the fact that her ideas of what her partner "should be" might have stopped her from dating someone like Brett outside of the Pods just because he didn't have a degree or a linear career path, criteria that turned out to be superficial in the grand scheme of things.
Tiffany tells the camera she thought she knew what she wanted until she "met" Brett. The experiment shifted what she wanted in love and partnership, and what she loves about Brett is that she feels like she can be herself with him. That's a win right there.
Things take a dramatic turn at the end of the episode when Brett talks openly about his discomfort with the word " love, " and Tiffany falls into a deep, deep sleep! Brett felt a way and started to shut down after feeling hurt, even saying to his castmate afterward that he was "done." To be fair, I could tell they both were sleepy right before she fell asleep, so I don't think it was malicious, but I love that she owned up to her misstep in the next episode. (And I will also say that this type of low-stakes drama points to why Tiffany is an unproblematic fave of the season, just sayin'.)
But will it be enough to get him out of his feelings and onto one knee?
Brett
Courtesy of Netflix
Design Director, 35
Much like Tiffany, Brett had me at hello. One of my first times seeing him on the show was in the Pods with Tiffany, so maybe that’s where my bias begins. He was straight up in their initial conversation, where he touched on his “purpose” for being in the experiment. Brett wants a partner, and he wants an equal. Similar to Tiffany, he reveals in his first confessional of the season that he loves that the experiment allows them to move past the guessing game of what the other person wants out of getting to know one another.
“I’m looking for a partner, and Tiffany’s at the top of my list,” he tells the camera. There’s something about certainty in a man. It opens doors, it moves mountains, and it makes me fall in love with someone through a screen. And that is my first impression of Brett. That he knows what he wants, and there’s something really refreshing about that because I don’t think I see that as often in the male contestants unless it’s some type of messy love triangle type setup. In so many ways, he and Tiffany feel like a breath of fresh air. He is drawn to her loving and caring nature and also loves the fact that she sometimes finds motivation in being doubted because he is the same in some ways. In a very vulnerable moment during one of their first “dates” in the Pods, Brett asks to hear her story before opening up about his own upbringing and how their shared mentality connects them.
As he is detailing a tough upbringing, to see Tiffany close her eyes while listening to him recount a time when he felt shame as a child for not having certain things, the empathy was beautiful. Love was being made. After he finishes his literal rags to riches story, Tiffany is in awe. “You’re an amazing person,” she tells him. Brett is beaming like the sun as she says this. Love was being made, y’all.
It’s truly the synergy for me. You don’t really see much interaction between Brett and other cast members inside the Pods or Tiffany and other cast members. So you know that this is real. The fact that they are both feeling so strongly about each other. Brett admits to feeling scared, but I love that one of the cast members, Marshall, advised him to push forward and “take the leap.” “I’m starting to become aware of how into you I am,” he admits to her.After years of dating and not feeling particularly connected, he feels fully seen by Tiffany and that she accepts him for him, which is interesting because she said something similar about him in her confessional earlier in the episode.
Despite Brett feeling a way that Tiffany fell asleep during his in the Pods confessional, he ultimately feels she is the one and proposes! Sis makes him a better man, and in her, he also sees the man he wants to become. The proposal is so sweet, and I could be reaching, but I love that she wore pink and he was wearing yellow, which reminded me of the previous episode when they accidentally matched each other. It’s the synergy, baby!
Their first meeting was as cute and wholesome as their journey together has felt so far.
Marshall
Courtesy of Netflix
Marketing Manager, 26
I can't be the only one who thinks Marshall gives Jesse Williams teas facially. I don't know about you, but when I turn my head to the side and squint my eye at the TV, I can see it. This is neither here nor there, but I had to clear the air. After not seeing much of him in the first episode, aside from the heart-to-heart message he delivered to Brett mentioned above in his time of need, in the second episode, we get more of a glimpse into his connections, particularly the one he has with Jackelina, who goes by Jackie.
In one of his very first scenes, we hear him describing Jackie as someone who is authentic and that she "feels like home" to him. And it's all real swoon-like. However, Jackie has options and is semi-entertaining Josh, who she also really vibes with. On the other end of that spectrum, Jackie is sir's #1, so this setup is feeling like yet another love triangle dynamic. Three in one season? Yes, that's where we are. Hell, there might even technically be four this season if I am counting correctly.
Marshall most definitely wears his heart on his sleeve, something he says to the camera in one of his confessionals. He is "bullied" by his emotions, in fact, his words, so I'm not surprised he is so passionate about Jackie and feels so strongly about their connection. The floodgates open early on when he and Jackie have a conversation about being raised "hard," and he recounts a moment when his father berated him as a child.
Jackie encourages him through his tears by saying he is a "good man" and that if she saw him on the side of the road, she would give him a dollar. Chile… "I wanna share my life with you," he tells her. It all sounds good, but there was something that felt a little off about their rapport. I can't quite put my finger on it, though.
Despite some reservations, Jackie does seem to be feeling Marshall and tells him that she will "break up" with her "other boyfriends" in the house for him. She says she gives him all that she comes with, 100%, which isn't a side of her anyone sees, so there might be something really special brewing there after all.
During a later date in the Pods, she admits to him that he is the only one that talks to her in an emotional way. "I want you to feel safe with me," he tells her. She has reawakened something in him, and he confesses to her that he is in love with her. IN LOVE, y'all. Jackie says nothing for a few beats before exhaling, "Oh my gosh," and then she goes into a download about a date she had with Josh earlier where he told her he would pack his bags and leave if he wasn't leaving the Pods with her.
Marshall hears this, and he gets hot. Meanwhile, I'm thinking to myself, is this the response to him telling you he's falling in love with you? If so, why? As a viewer, it felt like a deflection. But then she says that she didn't know how to tell Josh she was not going to be with him because of how hurt he was that Marshall was also into her. "I feel like I just ruined the moment," Jackie goes on to say about the moment transpiring between them. Bingo. Yes. And I think that was intentional.
At least Marshall wasn't born yesterday. In a lot of ways, sir seems wiser than his 26 years. And the fact that he notes Jackie brought Josh up to him because there is something there between them didn't fly over his head turns out. However, Marshall redirecting his upsetness to Josh felt like a choice, albeit the wrong choice. Jackie starts crying because Marshall seems mad at her. Chile…
"Be a man and talk to me," Marshall ends firmly in reference to Josh trying to talk to Jackie 'behind his back.' "I feel like I'm going to throw up," Jackie says through tears. What is this conversation about, bruh? Maybe it's the editors forcing that third love triangle I mentioned earlier, but the whole exchange felt off. When Jackie is crying on the couch with the other women moments later, it seems like she is overwhelmed by Marshall's emotions and feels forced to make a choice based on his declaration. My opinion, but I think that's why the conversation between them felt so awkward; she felt pressured to say certain things because of what he communicated so clearly and so effortlessly to her.
And I will delightfully skip over this forced pseudo-competition between Josh and Marshall because there's truly nothing to see here. To catch us up, though, Jackie explains to the camera that Marshall basically 'stepped' to Josh and 'let him know what's what,' and Jackie preferred not to see Josh again after that because she made her choice in Marshall because he "is just the better choice for me. He's gonna help me grow." Okay, sis! I do like when Jackie eventually admits she is going to have to "boss up" to be with Marshall. I appreciate the self-awareness there, at least.
I think some of my uneasiness in some of this couple's scenes is a maturity issue because I don't know how I feel about Marshall feeling like he has to check another man about getting rejected by Jackie versus Jackie rejecting that man for herself by herself... Like, whet? The difficult conversations I have seen some of the guys being really upfront about in the Pods when they've had to make another choice to pursue a different connection was needed here, but why did Marshall do Jackie's dirty work for her?
Of course, Marshall proposes to Jackie, and of course, she says yes. And no surprise there, but Marshall was utterly enamored with Jackie when they first met, and he matched the physical with the voice in the Pods. He called their first kiss "the best moment" of his life, and in her confessional, Jackie echoes much of the same, calling him a "good man" for her and saying that his vibe gave everything it was supposed to give.
It's something about how she talks about him and that repetition of him being a "good man" for her… Noted.
Sidebar: I'm not even gonna hold you. I love Brett and Marshall's friendship!
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Featured image courtesy of Netflix
'It's Not All In Your Head': How Four Black Women Finally Got The Answers They Needed About Fibroids
If someone had told me I’d be working toward my third fibroid surgery in less than six years, I would have had a hard time believing them. First, because obviously, no one wants to ever hear the word "surgery" (unless it’s cosmetic surgery you’re opting for). But the more significant reason is I’d never heard any of the women in my life talk about fibroids, so the idea of having all of the complex issues because of them, on top of surgeries, was truly a foreign concept.
After my doctor told me I’d need a second surgery in March of 2023—a hysteroscopic myomectomy—after bleeding every day for over six months, I was over it. Not just over the symptoms. But I was done feeling siloed on an island dealing with the pain, feeling tired all the time, and the heaviness of what felt like endless trips to the doctor for ultrasounds, blood transfusions, blood count checks, MRIs, etc.
I would try to explain what I was feeling, and my pain was written off because I guess period pain is just supposed to be normal. I’m here to tell you it is not. And because we’ve been conditioned to just deal, that’s the way things should stay. Yeah, no.
What is a hysteroscopic myomectomy? Hysteroscopic myomectomy is the most minimally invasive procedure to treat fibroids. A surgeon removes fibroids by inserting a hysteroscope into the uterine cavity through the vagina and cervix.
So, I wrote and directed an animated short film to bring educational and entertainment value to helping the world learn about fibroids. With $25,000 of my own money, I went forth and made the film titled Super High: A Period Piece. Now, it’s making its rounds on the festival circuit, even gaining entry into two Oscar-qualifying festivals: the Chicago International Film Festival and the New Orleans Film Festival. We even won Best Narrative Short at the Morehouse Human Rights Film Festival in Atlanta.
As I was venturing onto the festival circuit, my editor asked me to write a piece highlighting the experiences of Black women with fibroids. Initially, I planned to highlight up to 15 stories. However, as I started working on this story, I thought hearing the experiences more in-depth would be equally impactful. So, we chatted with four women about their fibroid journeys.
The one thing we all had in common, which made me sad but also made me feel seen, was that none of us knew much about them beforehand. However, our willingness to openly share our stories will hopefully change that for many women now and beyond.
Keep reading for four women’s stories about their journey with fibroids.
Rosco Spears, artist and creative director
Before your journey with fibroids, did you know much about them?
Before my journey with fibroids, I didn't know much about them. I'd never heard of fibroids until women around me started getting diagnosed. I was dealing with heavy, painful periods long before I was privy to any of these diagnoses.
Shortly before I was officially diagnosed with having fibroids (2012), I learned that my sister and other women in my family also had fibroids. As I've grown older, I've learned that my three sisters, many cousins, aunts, etc, have also had fibroids. It's simply an issue that was never discussed.
How did you find out you had fibroids?
I found out that I had fibroids while living in NYC. I was fed up with the pain and discomfort from my period, so I shopped around until I got an answer that I thought made sense. I met a wonderful woman doctor who finally diagnosed me, and she offered me several options for easing the discomfort. During this time, I would often bleed between periods.
In 2013, one of my "in-between" moments was more than the spotting that I was used to, so I took myself to the emergency [room]. I learned that my hemoglobin [levels] were at seven, and the doctors wouldn't let me leave the hospital without getting a blood transfusion. They also highly recommended that I get surgery to remove the fibroids. Once I officially got the diagnosis, it was scary, but it also felt amazing to know that I could begin planning a path forward.
What are hemoglobin levels? To ensure adequate tissue oxygenation—a very important complex dance between the lungs, blood, and cardiovascular system—a sufficient hemoglobin level has to be maintained. The normal Hb level for women is 12 to 16 g/dl. Low hemoglobin levels mean your body isn’t getting enough oxygen, which is why you feel very tired and weak.
If you're comfortable, we'd love to hear about your treatment. Did things go as planned? Were you nervous about what your doctor suggested?
I've had two abdominal myomectomies, one in 2013 (16 fibroids were removed) and another in 2020 (51 fibroids were removed). I was nervous about the idea of being cut open during the myomectomy, but I didn't think that the outcome could be any worse than the pain that I was already dealing with. Both surgeries went just as planned (aside from the 2nd surgery being rescheduled due to COVID-19), and my recovery from both was amazing.
In 2013, I was a bit unhinged. I went location scouting for a photo shoot for The Lip Bar three days after I got home from the hospital. My family was very upset, but I honestly felt fine. I had some abdominal pain, but within two weeks, I was back in the studio on my feet all day. After my second surgery, the plan was to try and have a child shortly after recovery. I took my time with healing and did things according to the book.
What is a myomectomy? A myomectomy is surgery to remove uterine fibroids. There are several types of myomectomies, but the procedure you and your doctor decide is right for you will depend on factors like location, number, and size of your fibroids.
How did you feel post-treatment? How has getting treatment changed your quality of life?
I felt/feel amazing post-treatment! For about 2-3 years after both surgeries, my periods were much lighter, and the pain was light [and] much more bearable than it was with the fibroids. My quality of life is much different post-surgery.
There have been years [when] I simply did not have any energy while I was on my period. The most I could do was get up to go to the bathroom and get right back in bed. Or I'd have to carry a change of clothes with me when traveling to work because I couldn't afford to take off during my period, but I knew that at some point, I would bleed through everything. So, in that regard, life is beautiful. I'm no longer passing out, nor do I feel the need to bring an extra set of pants along on the ride.
While my quality of life has improved tremendously, I often joke and say that I have PTSD from having bad periods. What I mean is that I still check my pants often when I'm on my period. And I still get anxiety if I'm in public and I'm on day two or three of my period because who knows if it is just a little blood that I feel coming down or it's a huge clot that's going to ruin my pants. And I still know better than to try and wash my hair on my heavy days because there isn't enough energy to do both.
For someone just starting their fibroid journey, what are two pieces of advice you'd give them?
You got this, sis! It's a difficult journey, but please seek advice from other women on the journey. If one doctor is not giving you sufficient information, find a new doctor. Make sure you're exploring all of the options for fibroid removal/shrinking treatments [because] it is not one size fits all. And take your iron supplements, boo.
How important do you think it is for us to share our fibroid stories with each other and talk about this openly?
Oh God, if I could pay women to share their fibroid stories, I would. It's imperative that we talk with one another about our experiences in health. I shared my fibroid story years ago because I was so lost when I was on my journey. One of my sisters had the surgery before I did, but other than her, I didn't have anyone to talk to about fibroids.
I felt very alone, isolated, and somewhat embarrassed because it felt like this wasn't happening to anyone else around me. It makes a world of difference when you can talk with someone about an issue they are also facing. We will learn a lot more by discussing shared experiences—much of which you cannot learn from talking to your doctor or Google.
La-Anna Douglas, women’s advocate and motivational speaker
Before your journey with fibroids, did you know much about them?
Being someone who started my period at the age of 10, I was in the dark when it pertained to fibroids and other reproductive health issues. I had never heard of fibroids, and I didn’t know that the pain I was experiencing, along with fertility delays, was because of the fibroids sitting in between my two uteruses. The pelvic pain, excruciating periods, fatigue, and protruding belly to someone else would have been a dead giveaway. But I had no idea what was going on with my body. I also did not know of anyone in my family dealing with fibroids.
How did you find out you had fibroids?
I was diagnosed with fibroids by a reproductive endocrinologist [and] was finally properly diagnosed after suffering for 16 years. I finally found a doctor willing to listen to my concerns and, most of all, believed that I wasn’t making it up. She scheduled me for a thorough examination, and I was soon scheduled for laparoscopic surgery. I was diagnosed with three fibroids, endometriosis, and a uterus didelphys (two uteruses and two cervixes).
Uterus didelphys is a rare congenital condition where you're born with two uteruses. It's commonly called a double uterus.
Again, I was misdiagnosed for years, and my pain was minimized. I was labeled as the girl with bad periods. I would have cramps for 3-4 days on my left side of my belly and then cramps for 3-4 days on my right. In actuality, I was having two periods from two different uteruses with three fibroids pressing on my wombs with endometriosis wrapped around my fallopian tubes and my uterus. When I heard all of the different diagnoses, I was angry, overwhelmed, scared, and confused. But the worst thing is that I was unprepared mentally and emotionally for the diagnosis and the journey ahead.
"I was misdiagnosed for years, and my pain was minimized. I was labeled as the girl with bad periods. In actuality, I was having two periods from two different uteruses with three fibroids pressing on my wombs with endometriosis wrapped around my fallopian tubes and my uterus."
If you're comfortable, we'd love to hear about your treatment. Did things go as planned? Were you nervous about what your doctor suggested?
I was told not to worry about removing the fibroids surgically after being diagnosed in my 20s back in 2008. But in 2020, during the pandemic, my pain started to escalate again. So, I was scheduled for an ultrasound, an MRI, and then a double-balloon procedure. I was told that my fibroids had grown and they were contributing to the secondary infertility I was experiencing. My doctor gave me two options. Would I rather have a hysterectomy?
I had already gone through 30 years of horrible periods, eight years of infertility [and] finally having a miracle baby in 2013 by God’s grace, and I had already gone through multiple procedures. Or I could do the robotic laparoscopic myomectomy, where they would remove the fibroids and open my two cervixes by also doing a hysteroscopy. At first, [I] wanted to do a hysterectomy, but [after] talking to my family and praying about it, I decided on having the robotic laparoscopic myomectomy. I was a little nervous but knew I was in good hands.
What is a laparoscopic myomectomy? A laparoscopic myomectomy is a minimally invasive procedure to remove uterine fibroids. A surgeon makes four tiny incisions in your abdomen and then uses a laparoscope, which is a special instrument that contains a light and video camera, to operate through the incisions.
How did you feel post-treatment? How has getting treatment changed your quality of life?
Post-treatment, I felt relieved and grateful. The healing journey was okay. I had a lot of support from my family, especially my husband. After the healing, [I am] loving on my body because the many scars on my belly are my beauty marks. I started to get more confident in who I was. The doctor who did the robotic laparoscopic myomectomy believed that I would get pregnant again.
Well, six months after the surgery, I became pregnant with our second miracle baby girl after eight years of secondary infertility at the age of 40. And to think, [had] I decided on the hysterectomy, she would not be here. Our surprise baby has brought so much happiness to our family.
For someone just starting their fibroid journey, what are two pieces of advice you'd give them?
For anyone just beginning their fibroid journey, my advice would be to advocate for yourself no matter what the diagnosis may be. Your voice matters, and you control your narrative. If the doctor is not listening to you or your concerns, you have every right to seek a second, third, fourth, or as many opinions as you wish until you are heard and properly cared for. KNOW YOUR WORTH!
[And,] to always love on yourself through the journey with fibroids and anything else you may be going through. YOU ARE ENOUGH. The physical scars and the invisible scars are your beauty marks. And share with others how you are feeling and what you are going through. Please do not suffer in silence!
How important do you think it is for us to share our fibroid stories with each other and talk about this openly?
It is so important that we share our journey with fibroids because there is power in supportive stories. We all must realize that we are not alone. There are so many of us who have similar situations going on or may be feeling the same feelings you may be feeling.
Sharing your story also helps to heal those hurts that happen on the road to diagnosis. Healing taps into the strength that has been lying dormant inside of us, and when that strength is ignited, there is nothing that can stop you from advocating for yourself and others who begin to share their stories with you.
Dawn Heels, award-winning fibroid advocate and campaigner
Before your journey with fibroids, did you know much about them?
I knew absolutely nothing about fibroids apart from the fact that my mum had one (she found out when she was pregnant with me), but even with this information, she didn't know anything about them.
How did you find out you had fibroids?
I had always suffered [from] extremely heavy, painful periods. I thought [this] was normal, [so] I didn't link it to the fact that something could be wrong with me. I first discovered I had fibroids after experiencing constant pain in the left-hand side of my abdomen in 2016. During an ultrasound scan, I was told I had 2 x 4 cm fibroids by the sonographer.
Two types of ultrasound scan can be used to help diagnose fibroids: an abdominal ultrasound scan – where the ultrasound probe is moved over the outside of your tummy (abdomen) a transvaginal ultrasound scan – where a small ultrasound probe is inserted into your vagina.
I hadn’t a clue what they were, and when I went back to see my doctor, he told me that I had nothing to worry about because fibroids were common, normal, and I should deal with any pain with a hot water bottle and ibuprofen. And because he told me I had nothing to worry about, at that moment, I didn’t worry.
If you're comfortable, we'd love to hear about your treatment. Did things go as planned? Were you nervous about what your doctor suggested?
Over the next six years, my pain and suffering got worse. I displayed horrendous fibroid symptoms: bum cheek pain, leg pain, painful, heavy, clotty periods, lower back pain, extreme pain, abdominal/pelvic pain, early pregnancy symptoms, tiredness, ‘preggo belly,’ painful sex, long periods and was infertile. I finally saw a consultant who changed my life, as he was the first person to listen to me and put a plan in place.
"He transvaginally scanned me and told me I actually had at least six fibroids, the biggest being the size of a grapefruit, and with that, I would have to have an open myomectomy."
He transvaginally scanned me and told me I actually had at least six fibroids, the biggest being the size of a grapefruit, and with that, I would have to have an open myomectomy. I cried so many tears because I thought if I was to ever have an operation that resembled the C-section, I would be giving birth to a baby, not tumors! The operation was a success, and he removed 16 fibroids and left 2 in to give me a chance at conceiving. I lost a lot of blood and had an emergency blood transfusion one week later.
After eight weeks of healing, I started to feel much better.
How did you feel post-treatment? How has getting treatment changed your quality of life?
The open myomectomy gave me my life back—a good quality of life. I wasn’t in pain anymore. My periods were shorter and significantly lighter, and best of all, I fell pregnant six months after surgery!
What is an open myomectomy? An abdominal, or open, myomectomy removes fibroids through an incision in the abdomen, typically on the bikini line. The recovery time generally lasts up to six weeks.
For someone just starting their fibroid journey, what are two pieces of advice you'd give them?
Educate yourself on the condition so you can guide the conversation and ask relevant questions when going into your consultations. Advocate for yourself, too! Too many of us will just agree to all sorts of nonsense just because the medical professional says so! You are the expert over your own body, so speak up!
How important do you think it is for us to share our fibroid stories with each other and talk about this openly?
I became an ‘accidental’ advocate because I shared my story. My inbox was inundated with messages from other ladies who had suffered or were currently suffering. That’s how powerful a share is.
Camille Austin, model and content creator
Before your journey with fibroids, did you know much about them? For example, did you know what symptoms to look out for?
I did not know much, if not anything at all. So, I did not know what symptoms to look out for.
Did you know if anyone in your family had ever dealt with them?
Yes, my mother, but she was already going through menopause, so our symptoms did not seem comparable.
How did you find out you had fibroids?
[I went] to my primary care physician, who is also a WOC. She performed a pelvic exam, and when I told her about all of my symptoms, she thought it was fibroids. It took a while and [was] frankly [an] annoying process to finally get to an MRI where they found three fibroids, one the size of 15cm.
And how did you feel once you got the official diagnosis?
I felt relieved and scared—scared about what this meant about my fertility. [But,] relieved that I had answers and I was going to get better.
If you're comfortable, we'd love to hear about your treatment. Did things go as planned? Were you nervous about what your doctor suggested?
I had to have surgery due to the size [of my fibroid.] I had an open and laparoscopic procedure done and was on the table for eight hours. I did not initially trust my surgeon as she wanted to jump straight into a hysterectomy. Common practice says that the only way to stop them from ever coming back is through a hysterectomy, which I find to be a bit extreme. To me, it sounds like it's just under-researched, and not enough efforts are being made because this largely impacts WOC, but I digress.
"My surgeon thought because I'm so young, healthy, and strong, she did not put me on a hospital list, which gives another doctor the ability to treat me overnight should something happen. Well, something happened."
My surgeon thought because I'm so young, healthy, and strong, she did not put me on a hospital list, which gives another doctor the ability to treat me overnight should something happen. Well, something happened. I found out I'm allergic to Dilaudid (a common pain med). I broke out and had a third-degree chemical burn around my stomach from the adhesive, and my skin completely broke out. There was not a doctor available to give me even so much as a Benadryl to ease the discomfort. Nurses can't prescribe meds.
It wasn't until I threatened to leave the hospital—I got up and packed my bags—that I received a pink Benadryl pill after waiting for about 6 hours. About a week after I got home, I broke into a fever and was septic. I was rushed back to the hospital and had to spend an additional four days. In short, the healing process did not go according to plan.
After your difficult hospital experience and healing journey, how did you feel post-treatment? How has getting treatment changed your quality of life?
After treatment, I felt so much better after everything was said and done. I would still get the surgery if I had to do it again. When I eventually healed, my periods were shorter. I could fit my clothes again, and I just had more energy to do things since I was not as anemic.
For someone just starting their fibroid journey, what are two pieces of advice you'd give them?
[First,] push for that MRI sooner than later. If you catch them when they are small, you can look into non-invasive ways to get rid of them.
Make sure your doctor has a hospital list, and ask who will be in charge of taking care of you when your doctor is not around.
What does an MRI mean for fibroids? An MRI uses a magnetic field and radio waves to create computerized, 3D images of the uterus. These images can help your doctor decide which treatment is best for you and rule out other issues like adenomyosis and endometriosis.
How important do you think it is for us to share our fibroid stories with each other and talk about this openly?
I think it's important because we can all learn from each other, and this is not just becoming a "woman over 30" problem. According to my doctors, I was far too young, and due to my age, this was something that went unnoticed. Frankly, it should not have been a far stretch because I have fibroids in my breast tissue as well, but somehow, no correlation has been made.
So we have to press the issue, so hopefully, we can look into why this is happening to so many women and not allow a hysterectomy to be the first response.
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Are You Craving A Past Sex Partner Out Of Nowhere? It Could Be Your 'Sex Clock.'
Semi-recently, while talking to a client about why they were semi-dreading the fall season, it reminded me of something that a former sex partner of mine once told me. I’ll start with what my client said first. “Shellie, I don’t know what it is about the fall, but I can go the whole year without thinking about [so-and-so], and then, suddenly, November hits and I’m horny as hell — not just for anyone but him. It’s crazy!"
Eh. Maybe. Maybe not. I say that because…peep what my ex-sex buddy used to tell me when he would find himself doing his own version of “Hey Big Head”, in text form to me, every October for about five years or so. “Everyone has a sex clock. There are some people who stand out to you sexually who you definitely find yourself craving around the same time of year that you started having sex with them. People don’t talk about it but it’s real.”
Now as far as how “common” it is, I’m not exactly sure. However, what I will say is that whenever I happen to share this concept with other individuals (clients included), 8 times outta 10, I basically get the same type of response. First, they look at me like I’m crazy, then they pause and reflect and then their mouth opens wide as if in shock that my sex-ex just may be onto something…BIG.
Now before we get into all of this, I’ll let you know, off the rip, that I can’t find an exact science to back his theory up specifically.
At the same time, though, there is other types of data surrounding the topic of sex and what it does to our minds that could cause you to believe that he’s not totally off base in thinking that a “sex clock” just might be an actual thing; that it’s something that hell, he should at do a Ted Talk — or YouTube video or Instagram Live — about so that more folks won’t think that they are going low-key insane should it happen to them.
Ah, sex clocks. Let me explain further.
This Is How Sex Affects Your Memory
GiphyIn order to lay some foundation here, let’s first talk about how sex affects your memory, in general. For starters, did you know that vagina-penis intercourse has actually been proven to improve both your learning capabilities as well as your memory (it also decreases anxiety and depression)? Probably the easiest way to explain how and why is when you engage in this type of sexual intimacy, it strengthens your hippocampus which is the part of your brain that is not only responsible for learning and memory but how you process emotions too. Okay, so intercourse between a man and a woman boosts memory power and also taps into one’s emotions. Bookmark that.
HuffPost published an article several years back entitled, “Sex And The Memory of Sexual Experience.” Two things that the article said was “Researchers are seeing that certain areas of the brain light up depending on the thoughts, actions and experiences of a person” and “The rush of 'love' chemicals; dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, opiates and other neurotransmitters, fill our body and brain quickly to produce the incredible feelings of love and attachment…” to the point where, if the action (in this case sex) happens several times, it can actually “codify” (makes plans or arrangements) your brain — and stays there.
Once that transpires, “our memories dictate how we will feel about a similar situation because our brain and body is coded from past experience.”
Now, if your brain can “code” the experience, don’t you think that it can also “code” the time when you were first introduced to the experience? Let’s keep going.
The Impact That Nostalgia Has on Your Sex Life
GiphyAh, nostalgia. If there’s one thing that is underestimated, far more than it ever should be when it comes to relationships, it’s that. In fact, I was recently in a counseling session with an engaged couple who happen to be each other’s first love.
What they are working through right now is if the potency of being each other’s first love is enough to get them through just how much they’ve changed since they first dated one another (chile, I totally get it; check out “What Happens When 'The One Who Got Away'...Comes Back?”). A part of the reason why it’s hard for them to process all of this clearly is because of the power of what nostalgia can actually do to a person.
Case in point. Although nostalgia — you know, reflecting on the past — can create warm fuzzies (if what happened in the past is good), it’s also the ultimate “editor” in the sense that, if you’re not careful, it can put you intoa state of denial about the entire experience. Not only that butnostalgia can get you to idealize situations too.
I totally get this because the guy who introduced me to the whole sex clock idea, although sex with him was pretty good (at least most of the time) and he actually was my first as far as certain types of sexual…umm…things…LOL, overall, he kind of was an ass yet because my memories of him would go to how he made me feel sexually first, whenever those texts would come, that would be the initial thing that I would think about — and if I did indulge him, it wasn’t until after a couple of weeks (or months) of copulation, with him, AGAIN, that I’d realize…”Ohhh, this is why I stopped sleeping with your ass…because you are an ass.” (Not mean or anything like that, just…selfish AF.)
Anyway, if you can relate on any level to what I’m saying here, just like the nostalgic memories of Thanksgiving or Christmas can do a real number on you every time the holiday season rolls around, why couldn’t the same thing happen if you recall the time of year when you had some amazing sex with someone and that month or season creeps back around too?
Yep. Bookmark all of this as well as we keep on going.Yes, Other Factors Play a Role in Your Peak Desires for Sex
GiphyIf you add to all of what I’ve already stated, the power of sexual chemistry — whew, chile. Definitely a part of the reason why some people tend to have a bigger sexual impact on us than others typically starts with sexual chemistry because that is all about the immediate physical attraction that you feel towards someone else — and that can’t be faked nor does it happen with just anyone.
Shoot, even when I reflect on my sexual past now, although I had pretty satisfying sex with about 75 percent of my partners, there are some who, to this day, are able to bring a certain smile to my face that others do not — and it’s because of the magnetic connection we shared and yes, having a deep mutual attraction definitely played a huge role in that.
If you then factor in the hormone levels/sex drive that you had at the time of engaging someone who you had a strong sexual connection with (for instance, if it’s someone from your 20s when most folks’ hormones are absolutely raging), the type of relationship that you had with that individual (for example, even if you weren’t officially together, they still made you laugh or feel safe or impacted you in a way that others didn’t or haven’t) and even if you take into account some of the other monumental things that may have been transpiring in your life at the time when you were being intimate with them.
Again, doesn’t it make sense that around the time when they first entered your world, sexually, your mind, body, and spirit may go back there and relive it all on some level, every time that time of year rolls around? Even if it’s just for a brief moment?
At Least Consider the Idea of a “Sex Clock” Before Taking Action
GiphyHmph. With all that has been covered, suddenly a “sex clock” makes sense, doesn’t it? I mean, even I will say that what’s truly wild about all of this is? Y’all, although the guy who brought it into my own psyche and I are pretty cool to this day, it’s been over two decades since we’ve messed around, and yet — a part of what caused me to even pitch this topic is because I thought about fall, how October is my favorite month of the year and yep, for a moment, he came to mind. Why? Because we started having sex in October. That damn sex clock.
So, when it comes to your own sex clock, just what should you do with this kind of information? I mean, you know how the saying goes: an ounce of prevention is certainly worth a pound of cure. Keeping that in mind, if you consider that memories, nostalgia, sexual chemistry, and your hormones are all science-based reasons to “crave” a blast from your past (pun intended and not intended), then when…whoever he is comes to your mind, now there is no need to overthink it or stress out about it. Maybe it’s just your sex clock alarm going off.
Acknowledge it. Woosah through it. And really ponder if replying to that text or DM is actually worth it.
Because sometimes alarms remind us to do something.
Other times? They warn us to wake up.
Especially when a (so-called) sex clock is involved, chile.
Feel me? Now, more than ever…I bet you do.
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Featured image by Giphy