When someone hurts you and you refuse to forgive them, it's like drinking poison and expecting them to die. Instead, by drinking this serum, you have subjected yourself to a slow, painful, agonizing suffering that only you can heal. My grandmother used to say you can't "make" anyone do anything, and over the course of my life I've grown to see that as truth. What I mean by that is, no one can make you mad or sad, you did that to your damn self. The wound always comes before the band-aid.
A lot of the hurt and pain we experience in life comes from our inability to forgive and unwillingness to heal. I've always had an interest in Dr. Phil, but as of late, I've found myself in an Iyanla Vanzant YouTube hole. In a new clip from her Get Over It book tour, she got real about how she found the strength to forgive someone who wasn't even sorry.
I first became familiar with Iyanla when I found one of her books in my mom's house that was written in 1999 called In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want. In the book, Iyanla teaches the fundamentals of mental housekeeping so that we can discover true love and happiness, but time proved to Iyanla (like it has for most of us) that sometimes it's harder to take your own advice. She explained to the audience:
"I spent, right here in New York, 40 years loving the same man, I'm a slow learner."
"In and out, in and out, in and out of relationship with this one man, trying to get from him what I didn't get from my daddy. But I didn't know it at the time. I thought it was love. In denial."
Her then-husband committed the ultimate betrayal by being unfaithful and making a decision to leave their marriage. After spending several years as a relationship expert, her marriage was in shambles. On an episode of Oprah, she explained that she felt like a fraud.
"How you gonna leave me? I'm Iyanla Vanzant. I've been on Oprah! Not only did he leave, he left me for somebody I knew. But he was going to do the same thing with a stranger, so it really didn't make no difference. I was in high pissosity."
In 2007, her divorce was finalized and Iyanla hit rock bottom. I know most of us have been at the point where we don't want to talk about it, we don't want to pray about it, we just want revenge:
"Sometimes you just don't want to be spiritual, you want somebody to burn in hell. That's why a lot of the time we won't forgive, because we want revenge. I want your a– to pay for what you did to me!"
It was at that point that Iyanla knew that she was drinking the poison, and only she was suffering. She made an important realization that most of us have to in the midst of heartbreak: Break free or break down. We are all abundantly anointed with oil and blessed with purpose, but you cannot fill from an empty cup. To live out our purpose and help others, we have to heal ourselves first. Iyanla said:
"I knew if I didn't forgive, my work with you would be tainted, so I had to."
Her initial attempts at forgiveness were futile because we all know, sometimes it's hard to let that hurt go. She wrote, "I forgive you". She said, "I forgive you" in the mirror. As hard as she tried to heal herself from the outside-in, she was unsuccessful. That's when she had a revelation I know that we're all familiar with that said, "Girl, it's time to go".
"I'll never forget the day God told me to get out of Brooklyn. 'Get out of Brooklyn!' I'd been here all my life, my family was here, everything I knew was here. Get out! Because you're never going to rise above where you are until you rise above who you are.'"
Iyanla chose forgiveness over revenge in the same way that we choose life over death every day. When you consume poison and regurgitate this emotional garbage expecting the demise of the accused, you will suffer every time, sis.
In your mind, think of the person who wronged you and know that they are not and have never been responsible for making you feel the way you feel, girl. You did that by not choosing forgiveness. Don't drink the Kool-Aid.
Featured image by Iyanla Vanzant/OWN
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images
