

There is a quote by Santosh Kalwar that states, "Love has no culture, boundaries, race, and religion. It is pure and beautiful like early-morning sunrise falling in lake." While this might be true, the year 2020 has made us more aware of the different experiences we face in this country based on the color of our skin. With this year's cultural climate shift, I was curious to learn more about the experience of being in an interracial relationship during this time. While I believe every relationship is different and has its own nuances, what does it look like when race has played a part in the relationship, if at any point at all? I was able to speak to two couples who offered some perspective on how they navigate everything together.
Courtney & Jackson
Courtesy of Courtney & Jackson
Courtney: We had been friends for 10 years and have been a couple for five. We basically met through mutual friends. Before I met Jackson, I've mostly dated within my race or been with men of color. With Jackson, for the more serious relationships, he has dated women of color before he met me. As far as race being an important part in our relationship, it is not something we center our relationship around. We talk about race a lot, and learning about Jackson's childhood was different than what I had expected. Hearing that he grew up in the inner city and he was around people that looked like me kind of checked me a little to not be as narrow-minded.
Jackson: I do feel that I have a different perspective than the average person from the South. I spent a lot of time in neighborhoods where I was the only white person. So I was exposed early on to the mistreatment that happens in communities and by law enforcement. Even in those moments, I knew I was treated differently than the people I was hanging out with.
Have you ever felt that you are treated differently by family and friends because you are in an interracial relationship?
Jackson: My parents were gracious when they didn't understand why I would bring black women home. So they have been working on things before they met Courtney. But with the recent Black Lives Matter movement, there have been great conversations.
Courtney: With Jack's parents, they grew up traditionally Republican. They also have a son (Jack) who dates black women and is a criminal defense attorney, so they get tidbits on how unfair the justice system is. With George Floyd, they were made aware of so many things at once. They have had some really in-depth and hard conversations with us as a couple, saying, "'We weren't fully where we are now and we want to talk about. We are a little upset we weren't there before, but we are here now and we want to ask and learn more.'" I think that's been one of the beauties of us being together in these times.
What is a misconception that you often face as an interracial couple?
Jackson: One misconception is that people don't understand that you are still handling things as a unit. People think that because we are in an interracial relationship, we [either] have things figured out, or the opposite, [with] people thinking that everything is screwed up in the relationship because of the crazy times. Neither one is true.
Courtney: For me being a black woman, I get put in this stereotype of white-washing my culture and intentionally trying to be with a white person instead of me being with the person I love. It's a little bit harder because if you speak to him and talk to him, you can understand why I'm with him. But on the surface it might not look that way, especially during the pandemic.
"As far as race being an important part in our relationship, it is not something we center our relationship around. We talk about race a lot, and learning about Jackson's childhood was different than what I had expected. Hearing that he grew up in the inner city and he was around people that looked like me kind of checked me a little to not be as narrow-minded."
Are there any things you had to unlearn about race in order to gain an understanding of each other?
Jackson: One thing that I will say in general—something that she repeats—'All skin folk aren't kinfolk.' Everybody that you expect to be on your side, whether they are related to you or because they look like you, is not always going to be on your side.
Courtney: That is something I am actively practicing, too, not just for people who look like me, but for people I have known my whole life. I am just trying to learn more about people because not everyone wants to learn more, and even though they look like you, you can't make them do anything they don't want to.
Ashley & Chea
Chea: We met for the first time at the Jay-Z and R. Kelly 'Best of Both Worlds' concert. I had recently gotten out of a relationship, and she was in a relationship at the time. She actually grew up with one of our mutual friends, Jero, who I ended up working with, and we would intentionally continue to cross paths and got introduced to each other.
Ashley: We were friends for four years before we started any commitment. We had a really deep friendship, so we both trusted each other. To be candid, at the time, we were just having fun. I wasn't thinking about being with him forever. So I didn't take his race into consideration. When I became pregnant, that is when race started to become a topic to discuss more.
Chea dated any woman he was attracted to regardless of race before we got together, where I specifically dated black men. I grew up in a pro-black community. So for me, when I visualized my life, I thought I was going to have dark brown babies like myself, marry a dark-skinned man, listen to Talib Kweli, and burn incense. It was intentional, but it wasn't exclusionary.
How do you educate one another (and yourselves) on your racial or cultural differences?
Chea: When we started our relationship, we really educated each other around the black culture and practicing [Islam]. She learned about my father's side and Buddhism. If we knew there was something that was important to us, we would share that with each other. I think what I have been mainly focusing on the last five years years is bridging the gap between what I've learned versus what I know from how I grew up.
I grew up in a majority-white neighborhood. So, 2020 has been an eye-opener where I'm not doing something correctly or no matter what I say, it's not making a substantial change. Whereas with Ashley, she's not at the point to sit down and educate people on how it is to be a black woman in America. She has been doing this her whole life, so she stands for educating yourself.
Have you ever felt you were being treated differently by family and friends because you were in an interracial relationship?
Chea: My mother is Caucasian and my father is Cambodian. It's layered, but on the surface, my mother's side was more accepting. We would go to family gatherings and there wouldn't be any issues really. On my father's side, the Asian side, the biggest pushback came from my stepmother. Both of my parents remarried, but with my father's side, there was confusion on how our relationship was coming together. You know, when people don't have an actual issue with something until it actually affects them? I think that's something you can apply to a lot of different things. Everything is great until it impacts you. Now five years into our marriage and 10 years into our relationship, I feel we are at a place where things are copacetic, but there are still those things that need to be worked through.
"I grew up in a pro-black community. So for me, when I visualized my life, I thought I was going to have dark brown babies like myself, marry a dark-skinned man, listen to Talib Kweli, and burn incense. It was intentional, but it wasn't exclusionary."
Were there things you had to teach your partner about being black in America that they may not have understood before?
Ashley: That's the thing about being in an interracial relationship. Chea doesn't experience the world the way I do. Even when I am getting profiled in a store, he is still existing in his own bubble. I sometimes would have to point it out to him and make him walk into a store and see who speaks to him. Now, watch when I walk in. I think these are things that white people miss everyday. When you are not existing in these spaces, you have the ability to look at things from an objective point of view, whereas we don't.
Chea: It's a very true experience and it's dependent on where we are, whether it's online or in-person.
"When you are not existing in these spaces, you have the ability to look at things from an objective point of view, whereas we don't."
Are there any things you had to unlearn about race in order to gain an understanding of each other?
Ashley: The growth for me came from within our marriage. I stopped looking at his Asian family as racist and started diving deeper into understanding where they are coming from having immigrated to this country. I don't think his family was being intentionally racist to me, they were just ignorant. But as soon as they got to know me, most of them changed immediately.
Chea: The thing that I had to unlearn is that every scenario doesn't always have the same outcome. For example, the police brutality, I think the common discourse for people who are not black is that, 'What did so and so do to get to this point?' That was my common way of thinking. Whether it was good or bad, something must have happened. I learned to let go of that and empathize more, regardless of what happened before.
Race aside, what is one thing that you truly enjoy about your partner?
Courtney: Jack is widely empathetic. He is able to relate to a lot of people on different journeys because he listens and can be present with them.
Jackson: There's a ton, but if I have to pick just one, it would be her creative spirit. I admire that about her and hope that her creative spirit sparks some creativity in me.
Ashley: Chea always felt like home to me, even before we were serious—when we were just friends. He is honestly one of my favorite people in the world. He is very loving and is a good person to everybody, not only to me which is important to me. If I had to choose one thing it would be his heart. Because that's where all of his good qualities stem from.
Chea: I feel like throughout various stages of our relationship I have loved her, and I just keep finding my love for her growing bigger. I can't really explain it. As I am trying to become a better person, she has been forcing me and helping me because she can see things I don't see. So I love her for that reason as well.
The two important things to know about relationships, whether you and your bae are of the same race or different races, are to be understanding of one another and to make your own rules. When you are intentional about knowing your partner's likes and dislikes, how you complement one another, and being empathetic to each other's experiences, race does not have to be a huge factor.
There will always be different obstacles that can make things challenging, but once you know who your partner is as a human being, you are able to create your own blueprint in order to make it through together. You should not go by other people's opinions or what others expect your relationship to be and with whom. At the end of the day, it is about what makes both of the people happy. Everyone is different and in the words of Chea, "Your results may vary."
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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Mercury Retrograde In Leo Horoscopes: Your Sign’s Survival Guide
Another Mercury retrograde is here, and it is time to take a step back and process. This is the second out of the three Mercury retrogrades happening this year, and it will be occurring in the sign of Leo. Mercury has been in Leo since June 26 and will be retrograde from July 17 through August 10, and will remain in Leo before entering Virgo on September 2.
When Mercury is retrograde in Leo, we tend to take things a little more personally, and this Mercury retrograde is a reminder that in order to recognize the love and support we are looking for from others, we must first recognize it within us.
What To Know About Mercury Retrograde In Leo
With this Mercury retrograde happening in Leo, Leos, and fellow fire (Aries and Sagittarius) and fixed signs (Taurus and Scorpio) are going to be feeling this transit the most. This Mercury retrograde will highlight how you want to show up in the world, and if what you are presenting is what you feel authentically within you. Mercury in Leo says, speak your mind and own your voice.
Mercury retrograde in Leo, however, asks what the message you are trying to get across is in the first place, and if you are advocating for yourself enough in the process.
A rule of thumb during Mercury retrograde is to hold off on signing any important contracts or committing to something long-term, to be more careful with transportation and travel matters, and to make sure you have everything backed up when it comes to your electronics. Communication matters are the most affected while Mercury is retrograde, and it’s important to be more patient with others, give more grace, and have a sense of humor here.
Mercury Retrograde In Leo Horoscopes By Zodiac Sign
Overall, Mercury retrograde in Leo is all about self-reflection and honoring your voice with courage and conviction. You don’t have to be perfect to show up, and the person you are today is the person who is deserving of love, recognition, and support. Live your truth and shine your light, and don’t worry about whether others can see the light you have already found within yourself. It’s time to just be, show up, and let go of what doesn’t feel authentic to you.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what this Mercury retrograde has in store for you.
ARIES
With this Mercury retrograde happening in a fellow fire sign, things are hitting home for you right now, Aries, and there is a lot to process right now. Your heart wants to communicate its growth, but you can feel like your love is being misunderstood during this time as well. Your guidance for this Mercury retrograde is to recognize yourself as the powerful, valuable, and loved being you are, and to show up in life as the person you want to be seen as. It’s time to pick your head up, remember who you are, and prepare for new experiences in love to bloom from this time.
TAURUS
This Mercury retrograde is about emotionally rejuvenating, Taurus. You are ready to let go of some restrictions and limitations that have been weighing heavily on your heart, and you are taking a look at what foundations you have built that may need some reshaping right now. Dynamics change, relationships shift, people move, and it’s all about recognizing what you need to feel safer and secure in your surroundings. Your heart is open to a new beginning right now, and this energy is going to serve you well through this Mercury retrograde. Overall, it’s time to rebuild, Taurus.
GEMINI
Mercury is officially retrograde, and it’s time to go a little slower when it comes to communication, Gemini. Take your time in getting your message across, and make sure to gather all the details before making any important decisions. Mercury is your ruling planet, so whenever it is retrograde, you feel its impact a little more strongly than most; however, this time around, you have more support surrounding you, helping you through this. This retrograde is clearing the way for new ideas and creative intentions to come forth, and it’s time to own your power of creation, Gemini.
CANCER
This Mercury retrograde is here to remind you how valuable you are, Cancer. It’s helping you remember your gifts in this life, and the gift you are to others. Financially, this is the time to look over everything thoroughly and to make sure you are not making any impulsive financial moves for the time being. Old financial efforts or opportunities may be coming around for you again, however, and you might just find yourself in a better position to take them on. Overall, this Mercury retrograde for you is about being confident in yourself and what you are asking for right now, and knowing that your dreams are coming true in the exact timing and way they are meant to.
LEO
The second Mercury retrograde of the year is happening in your sign, and you are gaining the insight you have been looking for, Leo. When Mercury is retrograde in your sign, it’s time to take a step back and look at the different options presenting themselves. You are needing to readdress some old plans or initiatives, and you are getting to know yourself better in the process. This Mercury retrograde is an important moment of self-awareness for you, and you are feeling wiser and more in tune with the direction you are heading at the end of the transit. Practice self-love, and remember who you are.
VIRGO
This Mercury retrograde is asking you to go with the flow, Virgo. You are making some important achievements around the time of this retrograde, but are needing some space to fully grasp it all. Celebrations may feel like they are on hold, and you are getting a lot of time away to yourself right now. This Mercury retrograde is about healing the soul, letting go of old baggage, and allowing yourself to fully own the progress you have made emotionally, physically, and spiritually. When life feels unsure, there is one thing you can still be sure of and that is yourself. Look at the bigger picture over the next few weeks, and give yourself the time to do so.
LIBRA
This Mercury retrograde is bringing things full circle for you, Libra. You are embarking on an opportunity to get clearer on your support systems and sense of community, and dynamics are shifting when it comes to your friendships in life. You are looking at things with an open heart and mind, and creating space for new developments, resonance, and abundance to enter your world. This retrograde isn’t necessarily holding you back, rather, you are becoming more aware of what is already in front of you and the gifts you have manifested for yourself.
SCORPIO
It’s all about keeping the balance right now, Scorpio. This Mercury retrograde is highlighting your career and professional zone, and you are thinking a lot about how you are presenting yourself to the world, what you want to be known for, and the type of feedback you need. You are in a space of contemplation and may not be feeling the need to put all your energy out there or to make your ideas known right now. This retrograde is about giving yourself the opportunity to get clearer on your goals and professional intentions, and to gain the confidence and courage needed to take them on.
SAGITTARIUS
This Mercury retrograde is opening your eyes to what your heart needs right now, Sagittarius. You are connecting the dots and looking at things with a different perspective, creating more opportunities for connection and adventure. With Mercury retrograde in your house of travel over the next few weeks, extra precaution is needed on said adventures, however, there are a lot of opportunities for expansion ahead of you right now. It’s all about allowing yourself to receive what you have been looking for, and knowing that you are ready to. You have already done the work, and now it’s time to believe in what you are asking for from the world.
CAPRICORN
This Mercury retrograde feels a little more intense for you, but it’s the exact pressure you need to see things in a new light, Capricorn. Your focus is on communication, mental growth, and awareness of the things you have been putting off for another day, and it’s time to get things in order. A lot is coming to the forefront in your life during this retrograde and some important decisions are needing to be made, but you have learned the lessons needed in order to make the right decision for yourself right now. Things have been changing for you drastically this summer, and this retrograde is helping you see why.
AQUARIUS
Your guidance for this Mercury retrograde is to be kind to yourself and your heart, Aquarius. With this retrograde playing out in your opposite sign, you may feel a little bit at odds with where you find your heart right now. Relationship dynamics are shifting, and there is a sense of not feeling as understood as you need to be. This Mercury retrograde is here to highlight what your heart has been looking for and what may be in the way from feeling it. It’s a chance to regroup, find your balance, and to prioritize what is truly important to you in life.
PISCES
This Mercury retrograde is a wake-up call for you, Pisces. It’s examining where you need to shift the focus within health matters and the importance of prioritizing your well-being more. If you have been overworking yourself or exerting more of your time and energy than you have, than this retrograde will be highlighting the need to slow down. Getting more rest and downtime is essential now, and it’s all about knowing what you can say yes to and what you can’t.
Your well-being is the priority during this transit and this Mercury retrograde is guiding you in the direction towards good health and a daily routine that works for you no matter what is happening in your life.
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