How Black Lives Matter Co-Founder Patrisse Cullors Practices Self-Care & Finds Balance
In xoNecole's Finding Balance, we profile boss women making boss moves in the world and in their respective industries. We talk to them about their business, their life, and most of all, what they do to find balance in their busy lives.
Login, class is now in session with Professor Patrisse Cullors, co-founder of the Black Lives Matter Global Network and Founder of Dignity and Power Now.
Patrisse, an activist, artist, and organizer is taking her experience in leading an international social movement for justness, to the collegiate level, as an adjunct professor at Prescott College in Arizona. As part of the college's Social Justice & Community Organizing Masters program, Patrisse is advancing her BOSS status by teaching how art intersects with fairness in justice advocacy. Her online course educates adult students on the complexities of these topics. For Patrisse, this work is needed. "One of the big things in our movement is the lack of understanding of creativity and culture and the role it plays in shifting societies," she explained. "I think the biggest issue I have with the art world is how disconnected they can be towards what is happening in the everyday world, so this class is a merger of the two."
In 2013, Patrisse, Alicia Garza, and Opal Tometi created Black Lives Matter. The movement is an example of women rising up for their community in the name of injustice. Within this divisive political climate, Professor Cullors is striving to stay centered as a shot caller who leads from the top with compassion.
Juggling a new role in academia, recently penning the New York Times Bestseller "When They Call You a Terrorist: A Black Lives Matter Memoir," and appearing on BET's Rest in Power: The Trayvon Martin Story, Patrisse shares that finding balance while wearing many impactful hats requires implicit self-care. "I'm just in this space where I'm re-engaging how I take care of myself as a priority because I have a family. I have a child," she said. "I also just want to spend time with my friends and this becomes really critical."
In this installment of xoNecole's Finding Balance, we spoke with Patrisse on how she finds balance as a college professor who still works to let the world know that 'Black Lives Matter.'
You’re an artist, organizer, activist, and now a college professor. How did this collaboration to teach a digital course come to fruition?
I was invited into the program to teach about organizing in the art world and Prescott College in Arizona has a social justice program. They asked me if I wanted to be a part of their online program. I was very honored to join. It's a program of mostly all-women professors, which I thought was amazing.
What do you enjoy most about teaching?
I'm teaching about what I love, which is organizing and art, and I want it to be felt by the students. It's my first time teaching an online course so I guess I feel like, is it going to be as impactful and [are] they going to feel as moved? It's a masters program. No one is forcing them to be here and so in that sense I'm really excited!
How do you stay grounded with all that you’re juggling?
One of the ways I'm newly learning is how to build better boundaries with myself and with my colleagues –setting the parameters around what is acceptable and what is not acceptable.
I'm a very loving and caring person. When I work with people, I really consider them family and I think doing a better job at holding what is for me and what is for other people [is crucial]. I think sometimes that blends and that can be really messy.
"One of the ways I'm newly learning is how to build better boundaries with myself and with my colleagues –setting the parameters around what is acceptable and what is not acceptable."
How does a peaceful day begin for you?
I wake up every morning and I try not to get on my phone as a first thing! I make sure that I eat breakfast. I pray in the morning. I hang out with my child before he goes to school.
I really try to start my day by what I need to do for myself and spend time with my child. I just reestablished a workout regimen as part of my everyday, whether it's walking or going to the gym. Just really trying to be in my body.
How do you find balance with:
Friends?
This is critical and I'm not at the best in this area. I think as I've grown in my own leadership and my own visibility. I'm realizing that not everybody's intentions are good when they are trying to be in a relationship to you. This becomes really hard and really difficult and discernment becomes key for me.
Work?
Discerning when I'm working with someone on a project, I don't need them to be my family. They are working on a project and they can work on the project that they are here for. I have my family and I have my community. Those are the relationships that I really need to be cultivating.
How do you break through with moments of uncertainty or feeling stuck, how do you handle it?
It depends. Sometimes, I try to control the situation. Lately, I've been saying the serenity prayer. That prayer is such an important prayer because we can't fix everything. We literally can't.
And honestly, what does success mean to you?
I think it's meant different things in different moments. I don't see success primarily as a work goal. I've been incredibly successful on paper with what I've done and with the accolades I've received. But accolades don't equal healthy relationships.
The healthier the relationships, whether it's my family or my friends or my community-that's really important. At the end of the day, I'm not going to die with a bunch of trophies at my funeral. It's going to be about the people who love me and who I care for.
Press forward Professor Cullors! Press forward and teach us!
Follow Patrisse as she fights for freedom on Instagram and Twitter @osopepatrisee. Learn more about her new courses at Prescott College.
*This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
Featured image by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images
Erica Ayisi is a freelance international journalist who covers the Black global experience. She's filed numerous feature news reports from the United States, United Kingdom, Jamaica, and Africa. Go global with her @akosua0906 on Instagram & Twitter.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You're Catching Feelings For Your Guy Friend. Now What?
Let me just start this all off by saying that I will never be the kind of person who thinks that men and women can’t be friends (or that single people and married people can’t be friends). Choosing friends is about looking into someone’s character and how they complement your life; it should never be about their gender or relational status. Don’t get it twisted, though — in order to properly navigate the dynamic between a man and a woman, there are some things that should be pondered and then discussed.
For instance, is the relationship truly platonic? Even though our culture has reduced that word to simply mean that two people are friends and nothing more, the actual definition is that BOTH individuals do not have any type of sexual interest or attraction at all; that only a spiritual kind of love exists. Is that possible? I have a few male friends where that word applies. I won’t lie, though — most of my (unmarried) male friends are more in the lane of, “You could get it. We just value the friendship too much to explore it”…and no, it hasn’t been “game” whenever they’ve brought it up.
Contrary to the notoriously toxic belief of so many folks out here, not every man has coochie on the brain 24/7 and/or lacks self-control and/or is willing to risk it all in order to get some. In fact, not one man in my life is even remotely that shallow.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get that the line between just friends and possibly more isn’t a tightrope for some friendships from time to time. Like, what happens if the person who ends up “with a little extra,” as far as emotions go for a friend, ends up being you? Even further, what if that question isn’t even close to being rhetorical because it’s something that you’re experiencing right at this very moment, and you’re not exactly sure what you should do about it?
If that’s the case, have no fear. I think I might be able to offer up a bit of insight that can get you through the (potential) internal stress of what happens when you look up one day and it really does seem like, out of nowhere, you suddenly want your guy friend to become something…more.
What Kind of Friendship Is It?
GiphySo before we talk about anything else, the first thing that you should get clear on is the type of friendship that you’re in. What I mean by that is, although we tend to use “friend” to cover all of the bases of someone who we’re not romantically involved with (or isn’t a relative or we can’t stand — and chile,don’t even get me started on frenemies), the reality is that friendships definitely have levels to them (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”).
Like,is he a work friend? Is he a church friend? Is he someone you’ve recently gotten to know over the past couple of months? Is he an online friend? Or is it deeper, like a guy who you’ve been friends with for a couple of years now or someone who you used to have in the friend zone (check out “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.”)? Or — and lawd have mercy, if so — is he your best friend, and you’re starting to see him in a completely different light?
Do you see how, just breaking down some of these friendship dynamics, the situations are quite different? For instance, if you have feelings for a co-worker friend, you’ve got to take into consideration what your work environment will be like if the two of you date and it ultimately doesn’t work out. If he’s an online friend (especially if he’s in another city, state, or country), the risk of potential rejection probably won’t be as impactful as if you have to see him every weekend at church.
If he’s someone you already put into the friend zone, I’m gonna tell you right now that if he has any sort of self-esteem, you’re gonna have to eat a few slices of humble pie to get him to entertain being more than friends (because guys tend to move on once they find out that they fall into that space). And if he’s your best friend? Well, while it probably won’t cost you your friendship, it could make things awkward for a while at best or shift the relationship a bit at worst.
That’s why I definitely think that getting real about the kind of friendship you have with the guy is what you should get mentally cleared up first. Then, we can move on to the next thing.
What Do You Want to Come from the Matter?
GiphyAnyway, because I do have a nice circle of male friends, many of whom are single or divorced, I get asked often if it’s hard to be just friends with them. It’s not because I really like what we have as being friends only. There is a type of intimacy and balance of energies that come from a male-female friendship that you can never get from same-sex ones. I value it all too much to risk it. What I want from my male friends — a certain level of protection (because I’m single), insight from a male perspective, doing things that my female friends may not want to do, etc. — I get…and that’s worth more than seeing if the sex would be bomb or if we should try something more and it end up being a bad decision that we can’t come back from.
That’s me, though. That doesn’t have to be you and your guy friend. For example, what if what you want is to explore a sexual relationship (check out “5 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Having Sex with A Friend”) because you can’t seem to get sex with him out of your head? For better or for worse, chile, back when I was out in these sex streets, that was pretty much my pattern: sex with close friends (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”), and it’s not an impossible feat.
You’ve just got to be real with yourself about whether that’s truly all that you want and if you can handle it gracefully if things don’t go as planned (check out “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”) or the sex is so good that now you can’t decide if you’re into him or just into…it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on if he’s seeing other people (because all you wanted was sex…right?). Yeah, a movie that I like calledSleeping with Other People has a scene where a woman is mad that her casual sex partner is sleeping around. His response was on-point: “Keeping our arrangement doesn’t make me an as-hole, but it does make you a liar.” #checkmate
That’s just one example to emphasize the point that, yes, you need to figure out what you want to come from your more-than-just-friends feelings. Do you just want to get it off of your chest and you’re not sure if you want or need to do anything more than that? Do you want just sex? Would you like to go on a few dates to see ifthe chemistry is mutual? Are you “deeply in” and you’re hoping that he feels the same way so that you two can have a full-blown relationship?
Listen, I have watched enough relationships in my lifetime to know that when it comes to something that needs to be as thoughtfully approached as this, it’s not fair to share your feelings with someone and then expect them to know what you want to come from doing so. You need to know…first. So before bringing it to him, figure it out on your own.
Tell Him the Deal. No Hinting Around.
GiphyAlthough timing and delivery matter, I don’t know one man who isn’t a “straight no-chaser” type of individual. This means no hinting around. No guessing games. No 50 million questions to try and see if he likes you first. I promise you that all of these approaches are off-putting to guys and will get them to mentally and emotionally tap out before you get around to making your point. Besides, if he’s a FRIEND friend, you should be able to express your genuine feelings — and honestly, this is a huge plus to telling him: you will be able to see how mature he is when it comes to handling matters of the heart.
Can there be a reason to not tell your guy friend how you feel? I mean, honestly, if you’re avoiding it, I’m assuming that it’s mostly due to fear, and trying to maintain anything with fear as your “fuel,” ultimately, isn’t going to get you anywhere. Plus, the more that you suppress what is going on inside of you, the more it’s going to alter the energy between the two of you, and that could cause unnecessary stress and strain to where either you start unnecessarily projecting things onto him, or he wants to spend less time around you because you’re making him feel as uncomfortable as you are.
Are there any exceptions to this? Eh. If you’re more like good acquaintances than actual friends, perhaps. Personally, though, I think that solid friendships are rooted in honesty — and how can you claim that you’ve got a healthy friendship with someone if you’re holding something as big back as having feelings for them away from them? Logically, it just doesn’t make much sense.
Prepare Yourself for His Response. And Don’t Penalize the Friendship If He Doesn’t Feel the Same Way.
GiphyOnce you tell him, for the most part, there are three ways that telling him can go: he can like you back, he can want some time and space to consider the possibilities, or he can not be interested. Let’s briefly unpack all three.
Liking you back...
So, what if you tell him how you feel, and he feels the same way (or something close)? My two cents would be for the two of you to still go slowly. Where I’ve seen many mess up is they think that they can go from friend to more-than-friends in two days or less, and that’s super unrealistic. Meaning, someone having feelings for you, too doesn't mean that they can, should, or will automatically stop seeing other people or that you two can or should immediately start becoming intimate.
Take some time to really discuss each other’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations — and what you guys should do trying to move into a different relational space ultimately proves to not be the best thing for one or both of you. If anything should take the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” approach, it’s friends who are transitioning into something more — or else.
Wanting time and space...
Going from friends to potentially something different is a lot like shifting gears in a car — and if you move too fast, you can strip them. That said, just because you’ve been sitting with your feelings for a while, it’s not fair to want to rush him after he finds out. Whether he wants time and space to figure out how he feels about your feelings or time and space from you altogether — both are warranted.
Should it be for weeks with no contact? Not if he’s a good friend. On the other hand, should you pressure him into making you feel at ease about what he’s just now learning? Eh. You might want to go to another friend to help you out with that. I mean, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Right…exactly.
He's not interested...
No one likes rejection; that’s real. At the same time, though, it’s not fair to penalize him if he doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Clearly, if he’s your friend (especially a close friend), he adores and values you on some level. However, if that’s not romantically, try and be emotionally mature enough to know and then accept that not wanting all of what you desire from the relationship doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life at all.
At the end of the day, if it’s too hard to be his friend when you want something else, you’ve got to do what’s best for you. Just make sure that you’re not going to lose a great person in your life because your ego got bruised or your pride couldn’t handle him not reciprocating what you were offering. It’s not fair, and it could end up costing you…A LOT. Take the kind of space you need to redirect your focus. If he loves you, he’ll be there when you get…back.
___
I’ve developed feelings for a friend before; more than once. Was it always easy to work through? Not always. My friendships always survived it, though — whether the feelings were reciprocated or not. And it was because we valued the friendship too much to lose it.
And honestly, I think that is one of the best things to come out of having feelings for a friend: you end up finding out just how solid the bond actually is. And in a world where really good friends are hard to come by…that can never not be a good thing.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images