Preparing for seasons. When it comes to the counseling that I provide, this is something that I am BIG on. Why? Because the reality of life is that seasons are going to change, and if you don’t 1) accept that reality and 2) prepare for the transitions, you can find yourself becoming disillusioned or disappointed, and rarely is that a good thing.
This applies to all things relational — including sex. That’s why I once wrote, “The ‘Seasons Of Sex’ That Married People Go Through” for the platform. While I was semi-recently sharing the piece with a client, we found ourselves discussing how much sex had shifted from when they first met their now-husband — and boy, did that inspire me to do a bit of unpacking on that topic.
If you’ve never read an article quite like this one before, it wouldn’t shock me in the least. For some reason, folks think that sex, for them personally, is a monolith when that absolutely couldn’t be further from the truth.
As you’re about to see, 10 women have openly shared how much sex changed for them during three different stages of their relational journey — dating, engagement, and marriage. My hope is that if you see what their “sex seasons” have been like, you will learn how to better prepare for your own.
*In my interview content, middle names are always used, so that people can/will speak freely*
1. Hannah. 31. Married Three Years.
GiphyDATING: “Do you mean dating my man or dating, in general, because when I was single, I was SINGLE out here. Dating has degrees to it, so the sex did too. I will say that when you’re not in anything serious, sex is more about your pleasure and your needs and when you’re in a relationship, it’s…bigger than that.”
ENGAGED: “When I got engaged to [my husband], that is when I was processing that I wouldn’t be having sex with anyone else for the rest of my life. That made me want to have more conversations with him about what his expectations were and mine. Because if I’m going to be sleeping with you forever, we need to be on the same page about things like that.”
MARRIED: “My husband and I had sex really early into our dating relationship, so I didn’t think that marriage would change anything. Boy, did it. We didn’t live together before getting married, so adjusting to sharing my space, nonstop, with another person, that took real adjusting. When you’re cleaning the toilet after someone or you’re washing their underwear — sometimes sex isn’t as sexy. There is a learning curve, for sure.”
2. Shauna. 40. Married 10 Years.
GiphyDATING: “When you’re dating, everything about sex is about you and your needs and feelings — and unless you’re seeing someone seriously, you don’t really care about it not being that way. I personally think that’s why a lot of [long-term] couples struggle in marriage; they are ‘programmed’ to only think about themselves even when it comes to sex.”
ENGAGED: “When I got engaged, my [now] husband and I decided to be abstinent during that period. It was hard, because his sex is so good, but I don’t regret it because we used that time to mentally and emotionally connect more on an intimate level. I recommend more couples do it.”
MARRIED: “I think settling into the reality that this is your sex partner for the rest of your life is more daunting than people realize because, no matter how much you love someone or how good the sex is, if you’ve had variety in the past, it can be intimidating to think about never experiencing that again. Every day isn’t just about choosing to love your spouse but choosing to have sex with only them too — and if you take your vows seriously, you are making that decision, every day, forever.”3. Precious. 25. Married One Year.
GiphyDATING: “I’m glad that my husband and I pushed through our dating season of sex. Neither of us were very experienced and things were kind of awkward and clumsy. If things had been about performance alone, we both probably would’ve quit!” (Shellie here: She was laughing as she said this.)
ENGAGED: “One of the best decisions that we made before getting married was going to see a sex therapist. She helped us to understand what our needs and expectations are, how our childhoods played a role in those things and she gave us some hacks to make sex better.
"People always talk about premarital counseling. I’m a fan of premarital sex therapy.”
MARRIED: “I know we’re in the newlywed phase, but this is the best sex of our relationship! Because of the awkwardness while dating and the decision to see a professional while we were engaged, we feel more committed than ever — and that makes us both feel safe enough to do all kinds of stuff. We have all of the time in the world to figure it out and that’s what makes sex really rewarding.”
4. Renee. 34. Married for Three Years.
GiphyDATING: “I had some REALLY GOOD SEX while I was dating, you hear me? Like I had to grieve that sh-t when I decided to get into a serious relationship because I always enjoyed having sex with a few different guys because they all brought out different sides of who I am in the bedroom. Society still doesn’t let women talk about having multiple partners and that being okay. So long as you’re safe, in my opinion, it’s fine. Anyway, I had a ball when I was single and dating. No regrets over here.”
ENGAGED: “Know what’s crazy about my [now] husband? He’s not the best I’ve ever had physically but he is the person who I’ve experienced the most intimacy with. It took him for me to see that I didn’t fully let my guard down with other men which means their technique might have been good, but our connection had something missing. Once my husband proposed to me, there were even more guards that I let down — and I think I experienced real love-making for the first time.”
MARRIED: “Do I think about the sex that I used to have? All people do and the ones who say that they don’t are liars. I have great memories but I can’t really say that I miss it. The little things that I do, I can’t change because my husband looks the way that he does and has the body that he does. The technique stuff? We can learn that and have fun trying! The intimacy is unmatched and I wouldn’t trade that.”
5. Lauren. 39. Married for Five Years.
GiphyDATING: “I was married before in my 20s and I didn’t know much about any kind of intimacy at the time. When I got divorced and did some, let’s call it ‘exploring,’ it helped me to understand myself. If you’re having sex while you’re dating, that is what you should be focusing on: learning who you are, sexually.”
ENGAGED: “My husband? The transition from exclusive dating to being engaged was only a few weeks, so I think we both had a bit of ‘purging’ to do when it came to our sexual past. We were really close friends while we were dating other people, though, so we were quite open about what we wanted sexually — I mean, in general. I think during our engagement, I probably talked about sex, during sex, more than any other time in my life. We used engagement as a time to make sure that we really knew what the other needed, so that we didn’t go into marriage with delusional thinking.”
MARRIED: “I LOVE sex with my husband — because he is my husband. I think for most women, when you know that someone may be temporary or transient, they don’t get ALL of you. My husband knows every part of my body and my heart. We’re not just ‘having sex’; we’re ‘being one.’”
6. Allora. 44. Married for 13 Years.
GiphyDATING: “I only had sex with people who I was in a serious relationship with when I was dating, so the mindset of sex didn’t change very much once I got engaged or married. I think what I didn’t see coming was how much I would have to ‘detox’ from each partner which is why sometimes I would be abstinent for months or even a couple of years before seeing someone new. Learning how to ‘reshare my space’ is what I had to adjust to when I was sexually active and dating.”
ENGAGED: “Make sure that you’re not just ‘in love’ but you’re actually sexually compatible before getting married. I know they say that engagement is about planning your wedding, but I think it’s also about seeing if you can really live your life, in every way, with someone else. Dating is so much about do we love each other. Engagement should be about can we really be together — and if you are having sex while you are engaged, you should ask each other that when it comes to your sexual expectations. Engagement is the time to pull out the ‘red pen’ and do some editing and readjusting.”
MARRIED: “We have a satisfying sex life. We still use that ‘red pin,’ though. People change and expectations do too. When you’re dating, you usually aren’t with someone long enough to have to switch up and make adjustments. When you’re married, you can’t expect that what worked for someone 10 years ago to be the same thing 10 years later. If you’re not a sexually flexible person, if you can’t keep your ego out of it, you’re not ready to have sex as a married person.”
7. Krystalle. 27. Married 11 Months.
GiphyDATING: “I was a virgin when I got married. Yes, some of us unicorns still exist! I can’t say that some of my choices would exactly make my grandma proud, but I can say that oral sex didn’t happen until my fiancé and intercourse didn’t happen until my wedding night. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t caught off guard some in the sex department, though.”
ENGAGED: “Once I was officially engaged, my [now] husband and I did have oral sex. I was raised in the church and taught to wait until marriage to do anything but that wasn’t really why I waited. I had friends with too many wild stories and I was too scared to step out. That’s why, once I got engaged, I felt safe enough to explore with my man; especially since he was abstinent along with me while we dated. Oral sex was more for me [to handle] than intercourse was because I hadn’t seen many penises or what they were capable of before him. Oral sex, giving and receiving, is really intimate too. I had to adjust to that. Yeah, a penis in your mouth vs. a penis in your vagina — it’s a lot. I love it, but it’s a lot.”
MARRIED: “Learning how to have an orgasm — and to even make sure that I was having one — that was my biggest adjustment during sex. Well, that and my husband and I having different sleep schedules and that meant that we were on different sex schedules too. Until you have sex in a serious relationship, you don’t think about all of the communicating and compromising that has to go on. I wouldn’t change my path for the world, though. Not having anyone to compare him to…feels right.”
8. Zawn. 34. Married Seven Years.
GiphyDATING: “I had sex with both men and women before I got married. Honey, getting off was my goal and whoever could make that happen, I was all for it. Dating can be really carnal when it comes to sex — not in a ‘bad’ way. You just really prioritize pleasure more than anything. At least that’s how I feel about it.”
ENGAGED: “Most people don’t know that I had sex with women. I’m not ashamed because here I am talking about it — it’s just that I never really had an emotional connection to any of them. It was sex and not much more than that. So, no one was surprised that I chose a man. What I wasn’t ready for is how it would feel to be monogamous and take women out of the equation.
"Sex isn’t better with a man or woman but it’s definitely different. I had grieving to do.”
MARRIED: “I didn’t realize how selfish I was in bed until my husband. We have great sex, but different things meet our needs, so, I would say that for the first year, I was ‘Why do you like that?’ or ‘Why are you interested in it this way?’ — with judgment and an attitude. Nothing shows you how ridiculous you can be than marriage — well, other than having sex in a mirror so that you can see your facial expressions, energy and ego. Too funny, girl!”
9. Miriyam. 45. Married for 11 Years.
DATING: “I dunno — having sex and dating in your 20s is different than your 30s. I think what I remember most is sex in your 20s is fun and recreational and sex in your 30s, you start to be more introspective. That last part is why I got into a serious relationship. I hit about 31 and I was like, ‘I’ve had good sex. What tops that?’ Good sex with a great man does.”
ENGAGED: “I think the best sex of my life was when I was engaged. Not that the sex now isn’t good but that season of engagement — there is nothing like it! Plus, my [now] husband and I did a lot of traveling and sex in new places is so euphoric. We also took some sexual risks during that time. That’s our business. I had some real rushes then! I miss it, really.”
MARRIED: “The thing that you have to be careful of with marriage is not falling into a sexual rut and routine. Even when it’s good, you can be in a ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ mindset and that gets old. When you’re single, spontaneity happens a lot. When you’re married, you have to create it. Sounds weird, but it’s true.”
10. Pamela. 53. Married for 21 Years.
GiphyDATING: “I don’t really miss my dating days of sex. Hell, half of those men didn’t even deserve my kitty kat if I’m gonna be honest. And when you’ve been married for as long as I have, you start to forget a lot of that stuff anyway. I guess the main difference is the newness of a first time. There is something exciting about that. It passes really quick, though.”
ENGAGED: “Engaged sex is some of the best sex. Let me be specific — that time right after you’ve been proposed to, before all of the wedding planning stress, is wonderful. You know that you’ve been chose and you’ve chosen and so you and your partner find yourself doing all kinds of crazy stuff. Hmph. Now that I think about it, sex during wedding planning is good too — it’s that animalistic, stress-relief sex. Good times.”
MARRIED: “After around 15 years of marriage, sex is ‘thank you sex’. Thank you for sticking it out. Thank you for tolerating my bullsh-t. Thank you for being my homie. Thank you for giving me an orgasm even though you’re sleepy. Thanks for head even though I just pissed you off. Sex is about doing each other a solid for staying committed. I hope the readers get there to know what I am talking about.”
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Seasons and stages of sex. As you evolve, as your relationships shift, as your needs transition, you will go through seasons and stages of sex. Don’t fight it. EMBRACE IT. Because the awesome thing about all of them is they can teach you something new.
And that’s why, you will never get me to believe that sex gets old (pun intended).
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
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