Ask Ayana Iman: My Husband & I Haven't Had Sex In 5 Years, What Should I Do?

I've done everything in the book to get him to understand that not feeling wanted in that way is hurtful and I basically view our marriage as a friendship. He has yet to change and I'm wondering if I should walk away for good. I don't want to step outside of my marriage for intimacy but I believe that that is an important part of a relationship and right now, I'm fed up.

Your feelings are valid. A healthy relationship requires intimacy. Regardless of whether it's physical or emotional intimacy, your relationship will end without it. From what you've shared, it already has. You're right; your husband is your friend. Friendships are typically exclude sexual relations. The vows of marriage state "…to love and to cherish," which does not fulfill the promises he made to you. I can only imagine his reasoning for not being intimate, but I wonder if he's asexual; whatever it is you don't deserve this. This is by no means a reflection of your worth.

Marriage requires hard work and if he isn't willing to put in the effort to be intimate or have concern for your feelings, then it's clear he does not value you.

Do not step out of your marriage. I repeat, do not step out of your marriage. There is no reason to cheat to get the satisfaction you desire, which will only lead to an orgasm and a headache. Hold on and know there's a better way to get your needs met. Have you tried marriage counseling? If not, this last-minute kind of counseling also may not really be about trying to fix the relationship, but going so that you can reassure yourself that you've tried "everything."

Five years in a sexless marriage is very telling of a bigger issue, one that you cannot fix on your own. If you have truly tried everything, then there's nothing more I could say than choose you. The lack of intimacy has eroded what once was and has been replaced with distance and unfamiliarity. Your choice to walk away is valid. Not every marriage is worth saving.

I wish you more love (and being loved on) in 2019.

Featured image by Getty Images.

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