In xoNecole's Finding Balance, we profile boss women making boss moves in the world and in their respective industries. We talk to them about their business, their life, and most of all, what they do to find balance in their busy lives.
There has been a lot of talk lately in our women circles about learning how to not overextend ourselves. The narrative of being "Black Superwoman'' has been ingrained in us for as long as we can remember. But I have to admit, WE ARE POPPIN' out here. Black women have been killing the game with being the most educated demographic, breaking the glass ceiling in corporate america, dominating body positivity in media/entertainment, running our own businesses, leading organizations to social justice change, and being amazing mothers to beautiful children. I mean the list goes on and on. While we have been proving for generations the resilience black women have, we still have to recognize when it is time to focus on ourselves instead of the world.
DeVynne Starks, 26, is a full-time Biomedical Targeted Marketing Program Manager for one of the world's largest humanitarian organizations and runs her own boutique PR agency, Cultiv8 PR. DeVynne understands what it feels like to work hard towards her career, while also being a full-time mom to her son. When DeVynne became a mother, she noticed that women, especially black women, experienced 'Mommy Burnout' but very few people were having the conversation. DeVynne has been very intentional and passionate about helping other moms recognize the signs of 'Mommy Burnout' and how to master balance. DeVynne believes "it's time that moms learn to take time for themselves without feeling guilty."
Courtesy of DeVynne Starks
In 2018, DeVynne Starks launched a digital platform called DeVynne Intervention. This blog was a way to build community with other moms where they discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly of motherhood. "As a black woman, you feel pushed or obligated to be successful and leave your mark in this world. Whether that means you are looking to be the first at something or the best at something. But when you are a mother, you have to figure out how to not become so distant from your child that the child ends up feeling like they are not a priority."
For this installment of "Finding Balance", xoNecole had the chance to speak with entrepreneur DeVynne about motherhood, prioritizing self-care, and the importance of keeping your faith.
xoNecole: At what point in your life did you understand the importance of pressing pause and finding balance in both your personal and professional life?
DeVynne Starks: Pressing pause has been new for me. Four years ago, after the birth of my son, if you would ask me what balance was, I would look back and ask, "What is that?" But when I realized I was doing so many things and not carving out time for myself, that was when I needed to take a moment and reassess. I have learned that balance is about happiness that comes from within. Happiness doesn't come from other people, a new job, or from becoming a mother. You have to make that conscious decision to find that inner peace to get to the stage of feeling balanced.
What are your mornings like?
With my mornings, I start with prayer and giving myself time to talk to God. Then I practice stillness, to be intentional about listening to God and hearing what He has to say. After that, I try to give myself 30 minutes of work out time. Whether that's jogging or walking around the neighborhood.
How do you wind down at night?
I love to give myself a good facial and read a good book. I also like to wind down with my son. We will watch his favorite cartoon or play with action figures. Any moment where I can dedicate one on one time with him, he really appreciates it.
"I have learned that balance is about happiness that comes from within. Happiness doesn't come from other people, a new job, or from becoming a mother. You have to make that conscious decision to find that inner peace to get to the stage of feeling balanced."
Courtesy of DeVynne Starks
When you have a busy week, what's the most hectic part of it?
The most hectic part of the day is honestly sifting through emails. It took me a really long time to not allow my inbox to negatively affect my day. I have been learning to just say "no". Saying "no" is definitely a skill you learn over time as a business owner. With practice, it gets easier and easier.
Do you practice any types of self-care? What does that look like for you?
Giving my mind and eyes a break has really been helping me. There are days when I am on the grind! So stepping away from my computer and doing something peaceful is big for me. Daily facials are definitely my me-time.
What advice do you have for busy women who feel like they don’t have time for self-care?
Even though it may seem like being busy is the right thing to do, it can really physically drain you and stress your body out. To start off, what has helped me is incorporating micro self-care techniques. One technique I use is journaling. I used to write a lot before having my son, so now I squeeze in time at the end of day to self-reflect and write it all down. This is my way to take care of myself while still being busy. I also suggest making time to just be by yourself with no shame or interruption. I had to learn how to utilize the village around me.
When I first became a mom I would tell myself, I got this! But while you do have this, you still deserve to book a hotel for the weekend, even if you stay in the room the whole time (laughs).
Courtesy of DeVynne Starks
How do you find balance with:
Friends?
With my friends, we check in on each other every week. A lot of my friends are entrepreneurs and business owners. So it can get tricky to talk to each other often. But having that line of open communication has helped us keep that balance in staying connected.
Love/Relationships?
So what I have noticed is that, the areas that you give intentional energy to, those are the areas that thrive. Granted, finding balance in dating can be difficult, but it's about being available to be intimate with someone and share quality time with them. This has helped me personally to separate from being a parent to a woman who is currently dating. Finding balance within relationships also means knowing who you are outside of them.
Health?
I have been thinking about different ways on how I can be more healthy. Last year, I was able to lose 50 pounds in less than five months. What I do now are daily tea detoxes in conjunction with the keto diet. I have been feeling so much better and I have way more energy. Setting my healthcare goals and sticking to them has really set me up for success across the board.
When you are going through a bout of uncertainty, or feeling stuck, how do you handle it?
I really pay attention to my thoughts. I honestly believe that the way you think about yourself and the world around you, creates your own reality. So changing your thoughts to what you want in life allows you to connect to your intuition. So when I do have those moments of negativity, I remind myself that these are temporary feelings. I am aware that I have to make that shift to be more positive in order to change things around me.
"I honestly believe that the way you think about yourself and the world around you, creates your own reality. When I do have those moments of negativity, I remind myself that these are temporary feelings. I am aware that I have to make that shift to be more positive in order to change things around me."
And honestly, what does success and happiness mean to you?
Success means that you understand that you are going to fail at some part in your journey. But you are resilient enough that those failures are minor and they don't become huge obstacles for you. Before I became a mother, success to me meant just getting through the day. But now success for me is striving to be the best version of myself in order to be a better mother for my son. As far as happiness, I would say, I am still navigating that.
Every day I am learning what truly makes me happy and I try to be grateful for all the good things that are happening in my life.
To learn more about DeVynne, follow her on Instagram here. Read more about how career women find balance in xoNecole's "Finding Balance" series here.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Bamboo Leaf Tea
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried bamboo leaf tea before. If you’re a doula like myself, you may have recommended it to a mom who is getting really close to her due date because some studies say that it can help with uterine contractions when it comes to making them more bearable.
Because we are focusing strictly on beauty today, though, this particular tea makes the list because it’s rich in amino acids, magnesium, zinc, antioxidants, copper, potassium and calcium that all work together to provide you with healthy skin, strong hair with reduced breakage and, thanks to the silica that is in it, nails that will grow the length that you want them to as well.
2. Warm Pea Milk
Another word for warm pea milk is ripple milk; it’s a milk alternative that’s been made from yellow peas that is rich in protein, Vitamin D, iron, potassium and calcium (reportedly 150 percent more than cow’s milk. Wild, right?). Since it’s great for the environment (y’all, almond milk actually isn’t) and it’s low in sugar and carbs, that’s why it’s becoming more and more popular, en masse.
As far as beauty tips go, this is a drink to try because, mentioned nutrients aside, something else that it is rich in is sunflower oil. Your skin will appreciate that because sunflower oil helps to protect it from free radicals while supporting your skin’s barrier so that it remains moisturized for longer periods of time. This oil, along with the vtamin E that it also contains can reduce hair breakage and, since sunflower oil also has antifungal properties, it can help to prevent fungal infections on your nails while providing a natural sheen to them.
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3. Mexican Hot Chocolate
If nothing makes you happier than a cup of hot chocolate, treat yourself to some Mexican hot chocolate before the holiday season ends. It’s basically hot chocolate that has a bit of a “kick” to it, thanks to the chili and/or cayenne and cinnamon powders that are added to it.
And yes, it’s those things that help to make it a great beauty drink too. Since chili powder (which is ground chili peppers) contains the chemical compound capsaicin, that can reduce the pain and inflammation that is associated with psoriasis; plus, it helps to reduce skin inflammation, reduces the appearance of cellulite and contains anti-aging properties too. Cinnamon has been known to support hair growth while hindering hair loss and word on the street is cinnamon is an all-natural way to treat toe fungus as well.
4. Hot Oaxacan Penicillin Cocktail
I’ll be honest — out of all of these, the one that I learned the most about is a drink known as the Hot Oaxacan Penicillin Cocktail. What makes it hot is hot water. What makes it a “beauty drink” is the tequila, ginger and honey. Tequlia can be good for your skin, thanks to the astringent properties that are in it. Ginger is good for your skin because its antioxidant, anti-inflammatory, anticancer and antimicrobial properties can help to slow down the aging process.
Ginger is also good for your hair because it stimulates your hair follicles, so that they can get more of the nutrients that they need while helping to soothe and heal an irritated scalp. Ginger can also to keep your nails nice and healthy. And honey? Honey is a humectant; this means that it can help to keep your skin, hair and nails moisturized from the inside out.
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5. Milk Thistle Tea
I grew up with a mother who basically obsessed over herbs, so I’ve been knowing about milk thistle, in supplement form, for a long time now. What I remember most about it is it’s an herb that helps to detox your liver — and that alone can make it a great beauty addition since, the clearer your system is, the healthier your skin, hair and nails will be in return. In fact, thanks to its pretty potent antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties, milk thistle can help to speed up the healing process of acne.
Also, it can help to even out your skin, slow down signs of aging and deeply hydrate your skin too. Your hair will like milk thistle because it helps to stimulate hair growth while also helping to prevent hair loss. And, as far as your nails go, milk thistle is great because it supports the production of keratin, so that your nails remain strong instead of brittle.
6. Wassail
Right around Christmastime, many people find themselves drinking wassail. It’s basically a type of apple cider that has citrus fruit, fresh apples and spices in it (sometimes it also has cranberries and bourbon or brandy in it too). In fact, since there are so many ingredients in this particular drink, I’m only going to shout-out a few ways that it benefits your hair, skin and nails (feel free to Google each ingredient for more intel).
Apples are good for your skin because they are loaded with antioxidants that can help to keep your skin healthy. They also have acids in them that can help to prevent too much dead skin accumulation; plus, they contain collagen that can keep your skin looking young, fresh and radiant. The spice nutmeg is good for your hair because it contains properties that reduce hair shedding, dandruff flakes and it helps to heal scalp infections. Another popular spice in wassail is cloves. They can be good for your nails because they can fight nail fungus; oftentimes before it even starts.
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7. Honey, Lemon and Mint Water
If you’re feeling like a cold is coming on, the combination of honey, lemon and mint water can do you a world of good. Not only is honey soothing to a sore throat, it contains properties that can actually shorten the lifespan of a cold. Lemon contains vitamin C that can help to boost your immune system. And mint water? Well, it has antimicrobial, anti-inflammatory and antioxidant properties that can help to fight the viruses that cause colds in the first place.
Beauty-wise, this combination is impressive too. Honey also has antimicrobial properties that can help to keep breakouts at bay. Your hair will like honey because it reduces breakage while adding shine. And your nails? Honey can keep your nails strong and your cuticles in a hydrated state, so that you don’t have to worry about hangnails so much. The vitamin C in lemons helps to boost your collagen levels so that your skin, hair and nails looks youthful. And mint water is an awesome detoxifier for your skin, clarifier as a hair rinse and it’s another way to keep your nails looking healthy from the inside out.
8. Crockpot Red Wine Hot Cocoa
Geeze: wine and cocoa? In the same drink?! Yep. Not only is this particular recipe absolutely delicious but, as we close this all out, it’s one more drink that is good for you, from head to toe. You can read my article “12 Ways Dark Chocolate Can Benefit Your Body From Head To Toe” to learn more about how chocolate is able to soften the appearance of wrinkles, protect your skin from damaging skin rays and deeply nourish your scalp. Also, dark chocolate can help your nails because the copper in chocolate can help to fight off bacteria while the magnesium and iron in chocolate are able to produce the healthy forms of keratin that your nails are made out of.
And red wine? Skin-wise, it helps to protect it from free radicals, reduces inflammation and improves both the texture and tone of your skin over time. Hair-wise, it helps to reduce frizz while also fighting to prevent hair loss. Also, since red wine contains properties that slow down cellular aging, it can help to keep your hands and nails looking younger for longer periods of time too.
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Is there anything more soothing and comforting than a mug that is full of a warm and delicious drink? And now that you know of something that can have you looking better than you already do — it’s time to Instacart some of these ingredients (recipes are featured in some of the hyperlinks).
Your skin, hair and nails are just waiting for you to!
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