Sometimes in life, we find ourselves in prolonged periods of isolation from friends, family, and significant others. Whatever the reason for this situation, it often leads to self-discovery and hermetic reflection.
Being lonely and alone are two different things. I have been able to differentiate the two throughout my periods of being isolated from the outside world, and it all starts with finding out the essence of who you are.
Since I was young, I have always been somewhat of a loner. As the second oldest child, and the first girl of my mother's children, I had to figure out how to do a lot of things on my own. As a very inquisitive young girl who often got into trouble for asking too many questions, or telling too much business, I've always had a very strong desire to know. It didn't matter what it was, I just felt like I needed to be informed of everything there was to know about the world. As I got older, I quickly learned that asking too many questions could put you in a bad spot, namely time outs or whoopings. As I put two and two together, I grew up observing the world very closely and quietly figuring out how things worked.
I got used to depending on myself internally for everything that I needed externally.
It's a weird place to find yourself when your mind is as internally active as your mouth. As I grew into my young adulthood, I thought I was satisfied with being "not a friend person," but eventually I realized it was just my outward suit of protection for self-soothing, self-teaching, and self-validating my ego, and that I was truly unable to let anyone into my heart space, and I did not know how to connect with people whom I did not understand.
Isolation as a child stunted my ability to go within since I was always looking for answers outwardly. As a teenager and young adult, though I was a very kind and warm person, I often ran into many conflicts with people. Part of this was likely because I was an empath and didn't know it.
According to Psychology Today, "The trademark of an empath is feeling and absorbing other people's emotions and/or physical symptoms because of their high sensitivities. These people filter the world through their intuition and have a difficult time intellectualizing their feelings. The first step is to acknowledge that you are an empath." Normally, people who aren't aware of this trait become a magnet for people who reflect their internal trauma and pain in the most toxic and draining way. Often, I found myself in drama with people without really understanding how to process why I was in the situation to begin with.
Right before and after my spiritual awakening in early 2015, I started shedding friends and family left and right. This lasted for three years. Before I knew it, I barely had any friends and ended up as single as single can get. Isolated, I went through my darkest period of depression and alcohol abuse. I was in an off and on again karmic and unrequited relationship with a man who never truly reciprocated my feelings, which led to me engaging in sexual relationships with men that I really did not have deep emotional connections with. I was a hot mess and deeply wounded.
Along the process however, I realized my empathic nature. As I became more and more awake, I recognized the importance of unpacking the trauma that stemmed all the way from my childhood, to my present moment.
I had to truly look in the mirror, and see every flaw, and painstakingly untie every knot.
Isolation allowed me to perform surgery on my soul. Feelings of loneliness at one point became unbearable until I started to remove everything negative out of my life. I started getting into positive affirmations and self-care. I begin seeing my self-worth, and loving who I was on a deeper level.
After becoming a full-time nomadic, creative entrepreneur and later a freelance writer, I had never spent so much time literally by myself. It was almost as if I had to introduce my inner child to my adult self. I felt like Tom Hanks in the movie Castaway. It was during this time that I learned the difference between loneliness and being alone. I began to see my extroverted nature as a blessing, rather than a curse. I learned how to enjoy my own spirit. I learned how to be still, and explore my own mind. I began to extend my meditation practices to astral projection and lucid dreaming. I began to embody the divine feminine, and the creativity that I always possessed on a whole other level.
The difference between loneliness and being alone is that one is a void where you are detached from your spirit, imagination, and life force. The other is the realization that no matter where you are, or who you are with, that you are abundant in life, unconditional love, and universal oneness.
I mastered the art of being alone by manifesting divine joy from within myself.
Being isolated throughout my life has taught me how to tickle my own soul and connect with my mind, heart, and body in complete transparency. It also allowed me to see myself in everyone else…even in people I greatly disliked.
Ultimately, it is how I have evolved as a woman, and ascended as a spiritual being.
Featured image by Jeffery Erhunse on Unsplash
RELATED
Â
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images
