I’m Not Saying She’s A Gold Digger.
The most ironic part about Black women being called Gold Diggers is that if that's the truth, then we aren't doing a very good job at it. Either we don't know how to dig for this gold or we've confused fool's gold for the real thing.
Despite leading the way in advanced degrees, college-educated Black women still make less money than other groups, including college-educated Black men, suffer from having disproportionate rates of poverty, access to quality healthcare, sexual assault, and sexually transmitted diseases (even though Black women are NOT any more likely to be promiscuous than any other woman).
So where is this pot of gold that we seem to be digging for?
A woman's desire to seek out the best provider for herself and her offspring is deeply embedded in our genetic coding. It is our feminine instinct to want a man with resources. It's one of the things that makes us feel secure in a relationship. However, Black women are continuously told that seeking out such a man makes her a despicable user.
Truthfully, most educated Black women do marry men less educated than them (mostly because the pool of college-educated Black men is small), and many of these marriages end in divorce.
"Degree-holding Black wives put their education to use. In Black families, college-educated wives often assume the conventional economic role of the husband. According to one study, married, college-educated Black women earn more than 60 percent of their household income, approximately the same percentage earned by the average White husband. College-educated Black women are sometimes the sole earners in their family, as more than one out of ten married, college-educated Black women have a husband who is unemployed." (Is Marriage for White People? Ralph Richard Banks, pg.85).
So, again I ask, where is this pot of gold we are supposedly digging from?
The Black community has done a good job at gaslighting Black women into going against their own feminine instincts by encouraging them to carry on the legacy of helping Black men out to fight against White "Supremacy," as though Black men are so impotent that they cannot do what men from other communities have done and are doing for their women, and that is BUILD! Building sustainable communities in which women and children can truly thrive.
The other irony is that nearly every other group of women on our planet practices hypergamy (the practice of marrying up to improve one's financial and/or social status) in some way, shape, or form, but simultaneously look to Black women to be the poster children for the "Strong Independent" woman who doesn't need a man to accomplish anything in life. These women will "Go Girl" you into making relationship choices they themselves would never make or encourage their daughters to make.
Related: Why Are Women Accepting Bare Minimum As Bae Material?
Take Peggy Drexler for example, who recently wrote an article for the Wall Street Journal entitled "Single Ladies, It's Time to Pony Up When the Check Comes" encouraging women to split and pay for the check on dates. After some digging, I found out that Peggy Drexler was married (last time I checked) to a man worth over two hundred million dollars. She is a NYC Research Psychologist, and I highly suspect she doesn't foot half the bills for her current lifestyle, but she wants you to.
What Peggy Drexler, and many other men and women, fail to understand is that the entire purpose for a man paying for dates on most of the dates during the courtship period is to demonstrate that he is both willing and capable of financially providing for a woman and any children should the courtship lead to marriage. So, men who cannot meet the bare minimum of affording dates (and they needn't be very expensive dates) should be eliminated from the pool of potential suitors altogether.
I strongly encourage Black women to raise the bar for overall standard of treatment in both courtship/dating and marriage and require men to build a table for you to bring something to.
Related: I Have A Perfect Response To "What Do You Bring To The Table?"
Men will live up to the standards we set. The same man who will bash women about being gold diggers, split bills on dates, and present himself as a mediocre package, will get himself together for the woman whose culture requires him to man up and be at a certain level to marry her. It's mating psychology, and our hardwired genetic mating psychology doesn't care about the latest new age dating trends.
Before I close, I'll leave you with a word about men and potentiality. There is nothing wrong with being with a man who is going places and has the potential to be very successful in the future.
The difference between a man with potential and a pipe dreamer is that a man with potential will be actively making moves to realize his set goals. He will also NOT require you to foot the bills for him to reach his goals during this time.
Black women desiring a man that will help her financially is a natural one (even if you can make your own money), and Black women wanting to practice hypergamy shouldn't feel ashamed.
Wanting a partner who can elevate your life in every possible way is so important, and it's not Gold Digging when the woman in question is kind, loving, nurturing, intelligent, and focused on building a family legacy.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Candice Adewole is a feminine arts educator, and certified life/relationship coach. She is passionate about helping Black women tap into the power of their authentic feminine essence in order to live truly magical lives. In addition to writing The Black Girl's Guide to being Blissfully Feminine, she has also authored A Girl's Guide to being a Lady in Waiting.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images