In xoNecole's Finding Balance, we profile boss women making boss moves in the world and in their respective industries. We talk to them about their business, and most of all, what they do to find balance in their busy lives.
Vashtie Kola is more than just the badass who wore a durag to match her wedding dress at her City Hall-style wedding. She is a cultural icon and one of the most well-respected tastemakers in the industry. Vashtie has been shaking up the New York City nightlife scene for over a decade as a DJ, music video director, designer and creative consultant. Her most iconic music video directions and creative consulting clients include Solange, Justin Bieber, Kendrick Lamar and Jadakiss - talk about receipts! However, with the welcoming of her new baby, self-care is definitely on the top of her list while balancing motherhood, work and marriage.
Since COVID-19, her self-care routine has definitely rocked, but when you add a baby into the mix, it's certainly something that needs to be prioritized. Vashtie credits the pandemic to her being able to spend time with herself. "I cleared up my years of hyperpigmentation and read six books in the past few months and I'm not a reader!" she joked to xoNecole.
Courtesy of Vashtie Kola
Throughout it all, Vashtie even had time to secure the bag with a brand ambassadorship Dallas-based jewelry brand, Piercing Pagoda alongside Kat Graham and Blair Imani for the #BeMoreYou campaign. "#BeMoreYou speaks to being your most authentic self. It's about being true in your self-expression, but also your needs. Self-care is about healthily satisfying one's needs. They are inextricably connected," the Vashtie.com founder expressed. "If my teenage self knew that I'd be working with Piercing Pagoda one day, I'm sure she never would have believed it. It's fascinating and such an honor."
For this installment of "Finding Balance", xoNecole caught up with creative director, Violette New York designer and DJ Vashtie Kola about life with her new baby, how her day-to-day differs with the pandemic and relying on fellow creatives for more inspiration.
xoNecole: Let's talk about 2020 and how it has been such a pivotal year for you: You had a baby and got married. Congratulations! How did you make space for those things you wanted in your personal life over the last four years?
Vashtie Kola: I spent a lot of time on inner work. I dedicated the last six years in therapy and meditation. I also read a lot of self-help type books and learned a lot about myself. I didn't want to continue leaning on my childhood traumas as an excuse for my adulthood issues. As a believer in Law of Attraction, I didn't want to live in a broken state and attract a broken partner. I knew that the only way to having a healthy and whole partner was if that's who I was.
"As a believer in Law of Attraction, I didn't want to live in a broken state and attract a broken partner. I knew that the only way to having a healthy and whole partner was if that's who I was."
Looking back on what your life was like in 2016, you were around 35. Most women go through a huge shift during this time. What was your vision for 2020 Vashtie back then? Was motherhood and marriage something you were working towards and saw for yourself?
My shift was maybe a bit backwards compared to the women I know. Around 2014, I had just gotten out of an eight-year relationship and found myself single for the first time since I was 15. I spent a lot of that time focused on my career without having to balance it with a partner, which helped catapult my career. It was actually a quite powerful and positive time for me, having spent the years prior focused mainly on my partnerships and for the first time I was able to focus on me. As a monogamist, long-term [and] life-long commitment was always important to me, but marriage wasn't a need of mine. I had considered it, but it wasn't until I started a relationship with my husband that I really desired it. Having children, however, was always in my mind and heart. I always knew I wanted to be a mother and am thankful that I was able to.
Some people fear that they will lose themselves in a relationship or marriage, how have you been able to find balance within that role and tend to your partners needs as well as your needs while also still rocking it in your career?
Self-care is crucial for yourself and your relationships. It's like the airplane safety announcement as you take off on a plane where they say if your airmask drops that you have to put yours on before putting it on a child. It used to confuse me why you wouldn't put the airmask on the child first, and then it clicked. How can you help anyone if you're not at a healthy place to help yourself? You have to meet your own emotional needs first.
In the last few years of my personal journey, I've also learned that you're not responsible for other people's feelings and they are not responsible for yours, meaning you can't "make" others happy and it's no one's role to "make" you happy. You are the sole person responsible for your feelings and maintaining your balance is critical for your life and relationships. Having a partner that understands that is also helpful, otherwise you can get caught up in trying to make them happy while trying to make yourself happy which doesn't bode well for the long-term.
Of course, tending to your relationships is important and while putting your emotional needs first is crucial - it's key to know when to prioritize. My husband and I have been doing pretty well with it so far, especially with a newborn. Some days when I can see that he really needs a break and I'm tired also, I take some duties off his plate so he can relax - and vice versa. It's truly a balancing act!
"As a monogamist, long-term [and] life-long commitment was always important to me, but marriage wasn't a need of mine. I had considered it, but it wasn't until I started a relationship with my husband that I really desired it."
What was your perspective of marriage and motherhood before you actually became a mom and wife, and has it changed?
My perspective of marriage was that the ones that "seemed" - I say that in quotations because you never truly know - successful always managed to keep an element of romance and mystery. Now in marriage, we do our best with a newborn to keep it romantic and fun. I also think it's important not to get lost in the title of "wife" or "husband" because I think there are too many predetermined expectations that arise when using those terms. I like the idea of continuing to think of my husband as my best friend first. As far as my perspective of motherhood, I always knew it would be full of challenges, but in the back of my mind I always had this silly idea that it would be easier for me - not the case (laughs). I watched tons of YouTube videos, read books and researched blogs but nothing can prepare you for what your child needs.
At what point in your life did you understand the importance of pressing pause and finding balance in both your personal and professional life?
In 2016, I had a bit of a breakdown. I was working around the clock; photoshoots and meetings by day and DJing late nights. From the outside, I'm sure I looked [like I was] on top of the word but I was falling apart emotionally. That's when I learned Transcendental Meditation and went into Core Energetics therapy. I realized that not every job or opportunity is worth it if your sense of self is unraveling. It's so important to have the balance.
What is a typical day in your life? If no day is quite the same, give me a rundown of a typical workweek and what that might consist of.
Well, it was much different pre-COVID. A typical day is spent with my baby, having a photoshoot and doing work on my computer [or] iPhone. If I'm not researching designs or creative concepting a project, I'm taking photos or prepping social media content for brands. Sometimes I'm DJing a set from home or doing an Instagram live interview.
How has your self-care routine adjusted since the birth of your baby?
(Laughs) Self-care with a newborn is as basic as a shower, if I can get to it. Or eating a meal with two hands as opposed to shoveling food in my mouth with one hand and the baby in the other.
When you have a busy week, what’s the most hectic part of it?
Honestly, I think it's my interpretation. I've learned that our words and thoughts play a major role in how we experience things. By changing the phrase of "I've had a hard week" to "I've had a challenging week" changes the feeling from being powerless to being empowered. Also, the re-telling of the "hardships" of the week or complaining about it makes it worse, as if you relive it when you tell it or talk about it. I'm learning now to just chalk it up to an experience and move forward.
"I've learned that our words and thoughts play a major role in how we experience things. By changing the phrase of 'I've had a hard week' to 'I've had a challenging week' changes the feeling from being powerless to being empowered."
Courtesy of Vashtie Kola
Do you practice any types of self-care? What does that look like for you?
Morning meditation, listening to inspirational speakers, reading books that improve self. I'm also working on listening to my emotions and learning to decipher what they are versus pacifying myself with things (shopping, eating, distractions, etc).
When you are going through a bout of uncertainty, or feeling stuck, how do you handle it?
Asking fellow creative friends from my trusted circle helps. I like it when people can talk to me in a straightforward manner, but also people who understand the dilemma and have been there. My husband and friends are a really great source, but also sometimes I vent on Instagram stories and people reply with understanding words or helpful advice.
"I also think it's important not to get lost in the title of 'wife' or 'husband' because I think there are too many predetermined expectations that arise when using those terms. I like the idea of continuing to think of my husband as my best friend first."
Courtesy of Vashtie Kola
Honestly, what does success and happiness mean to you?
It's doing the work I love, being present for the people in my life, taking time for myself and bringing the best me I can be for me but also for my family and friends.
For more Vashtie Kola, follow her on Instagram.
Featured image courtesy of Vashtie Kola
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Create a Budget. Stick to It.
GiphyBudgets, boy. I recently read that one of the reasons why they don’t work for a lot of people is because many folks don’t have a clue about how much money they spend on a monthly basis to begin with. SMDH. That said, at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that a budget is simply setting boundaries/limits on your spending — and being intentional about moving in this fashion is always a wise move; especially when it comes to this time of the year…especially being that it’s typical for half of all Americans to take on some type of holiday season debt with 17 percent needing six (or more) months to pay it off.
Know what can prevent this kind of financial chaos? A SPENDING BUDGET. Tips for how to create one of your own this year can be found here.
2. Never Shop When You’re Stressed or Pressed
GiphyYou know how they say that it’s not a good idea to go grocery shopping when you’re hungry? Although the holiday season can be a stressful time, avoid shopping for gifts (or décor or food for recipes) when you are feeling stressed out or pressed for time. More times than not, that cultivates anxiety which could cause you to either purchase things that you don’t really want or to spend money that you don’t really have (P.S. If you’re relying on credit cards, that qualifies as money that you don’t really have. Just sayin’).
3. Don’t Keep Up with the Joneses
GiphyKnow something else that can stress you out: trying to keep up with the Joneses. And y’all, now that we have social media, the reality is that envy is at an all-time high. That’s because it can be really easy to watch holiday engagements, holiday trips and folks bragging about the things that they’ve received in times past, only for you to find yourself wishing that you were them — or putting pressure on yourself and those in your world to keep up.
Listen, it is King Solomon who once said, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) and “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones” (Proverbs 14:30 — NKJV) and he’s considered to be the wisest man who ever lived (during his time — I Kings 4:30). Yeah, both of these verses are a spiritual reminder that whatever you are planning to do or give, do it out of the goodness of your heart — not so that you can low-key “outdo” the next guy.
4. No Need to “Tit-for-Tat”
GiphyThis one might be a bit controversial yet I’m totally okay with that. I don’t care what the occasion is, no one is OWED a present. A gift is a voluntary token of one’s appreciation or affection. That said, if you decide to give someone a present this year, don’t automatically expect something in return. If you get something, cool. If not, if you were giving for the right reasons, it really shouldn’t matter (RIGHT?). On the flip side, if someone decides to get you something and you don’t have something to offer in return, also cool.
Other than going to someone’s home for a holiday dinner or party, for anyone to feel like they should have something in hand because someone else does…that’s not giving, that’s competing — and that absolutely should not be the spirit that you are in (or around) during this time of year.
Again, a gift is not an obligatory thing. If you’ve always thought otherwise, it’s time to do some serious reprogramming.
5. Avoid the Pressure to Buy for Lots of Adults
GiphyLast month, Newsweek published an article that said it’s wise to not spend a ton of money purchasing gifts for adults. A financial expert in the piece said that it’s best to buy for kids because, more times than not, you’re going to get adults something that they already have a lot of, they don’t really need or they’re not going to use (beyond maybe regifting) anyway.
If you’re not feeling that insight, my take would be to exchange names and set a price cap for the grown folks. I say that because, I don’t think that people ever outgrow wanting something over Christmas. It’s just that the over-the-top energy should be reserved for the kiddies — and even then, the “4-gift rule” (want, need, read, experience) is probably your best bet for them…financially and otherwise.
6. Go for Thoughtful over Expensive
GiphyIt’s kind of wild how much close-to-torture folks send themselves through to purchase gifts that, a good 6-8 months now, most folks aren’t even going to remember. That’s why it’s also a good idea to purpose in your mind to get something thoughtful over expensive.
Honestly, that’s a big part of the reason why Etsy continues to be a go-to for gifts (for every occasion) for me. It’s because you can oftentimes get things customized/personalized which ends up meaning so much more to people than something that you bought at a generic department store that might have a high price tag yet still lacks in sentimentality and deep meaning.
7. Use Coupons and Promo Codes
GiphyCoupons (and promo codes) are a slippery slope in the sense that…they remind me of when I used to go overboard while thrift store shopping. I say that because, just because I might find several bomb dresses for under $20, what am I going to do with 50 of ‘em (over time)? It’s just as much of a waste of money as buying couture if neither option gets much use.
And that’s kind of the thing about coupons and promo codes. Some people end up overspending because they rationalize that so long as there are discounts attached, it’s all good. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that you should forego coupons and promo codes altogether. The key is to put together your shopping list (and budget) and then use discounts specifically for those items. If you do this, you could save well over $1,000 annually (at least, depending on what you decide to buy).
8. Avoid Add-Ons
GiphyYeah. Dodge add-on expenses. Add-ons like what? The first thing that comes to my mind is a warranty. What’s the chance that someone is actually going to need that? Another example is paying for things to be “professionally” gift wrapped. Chile, throw that stuff in a gift bag with some tissue paper and go on about your day. All good.
9. Rethink Gift Cards
GiphyIf there is any time of the year when there is a noticeable hike in gift card purchases, now would be it. And although they are a convenient approach to gift giving, at the same time, many come with hidden fees, the full amount oftentimes goes unused (which ends up being a waste of money) and they do come with expiration dates that are oftentimes forgotten.
So, if you’re someone who likes to wait until the last minute to do your holiday shopping, resist the urge to impulsively pick up a handful of gift cards. Unless it’s to a place that you know someone is going to use within the next few months, they could end up in somebody’s kitchen drawer for the next couple of years. And what a waste that would be.
10. They’ll Get It When They Do. And That’s Okay.
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GiphyOne more. Although it is super thoughtful and proactive to get people their gifts in time for whatever occasion you purchased them for, if trying to reach that goal is going to require paying for rush shipping that is damn near as high as the price of gift or spending a lot of gas money that you don’t have at the moment to drive miles and miles away — take the pressure off to spend a ton of cash just to make sure that something arrives at December 25. Listen, through doing business with Etsy, I have learned that through this administration, there are all sorts of tariff issues going on and the USPS is slower than ever too, so paying more may not guarantee much.
The hack? Send a message that something special is coming…soon enough. The thought really is what counts (more times than not); plus, it builds anticipation of something good coming, even if it’s after all of the Christmas Day hoopla. And no one (with sense) is going to have a problem with that.
Now don’t you feel better? Happy Holiday Shopping, sis.
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