"As a woman, you were designed to be complete by yourself. Not with the help of 4, 5 women!"
I recently had a conversation with a gracious male friend of mine, who pointed out that as women, we have the power to change men with the things we both allow, and don't allow, in a relationship. At the end of the day, most men will do what they are permitted to do, and will hardly see the problem in an issue you yourself claim to not have no qualms with (no-- there is no "taking hints." You must be clear!)
This doesn't mean that if you say "no" to something, your man will change. Sometimes it will repel him away, but it will allow room for man who is for your rules and your worth! That's why it's best to make your standards clear from the beginning, and not halfway through a marriage.
Message!
You know it's time to listen up when a man tells us we deserve better. Hello! I remember when author Derrick Jaxn took to his Facebook to respond to the discussion surrounding women giving men "Cheating Passes" and just like my male friend, Derrick's insight was everything!
It all started when reality-TV personality Toya Wright and actress Mo'Nique both caused a stir by revealing that they give their men whore hall passes to sleep around. The most recent example of this was Toya and her husband's appearance on Untying the Knot, where Memphitz revealed he only cheats during the eight days out of the year that Toya allots him to step outside of their marriage.
After Toya revealed she does this because Memphitz "don't like rules," divorce lawyer and relationship expert Vikki Ziegler asked if Toya is allowed to ever do the same, to which Memphitz replied:
[Are you] Shitting me? She's a woman. She's a girl. What I'm saying is, men, we're built a little different than you.Ziegler: Are you trying to have your cake and eat it too [in your marriage]?
Absolutely. Ain't that what you're supposed to do?
Well according to this Jaxn, absolutely not!
On his social media he released a video response about this theory:
"So I just read an article about how Mo'Nique gives her husband a "pass to cheat," and I read the same thing about Toya Wright giving her husband Memphitz a pass to cheat. While the situations are a little different, both of them are basically saying they want their man to have an honest way to step outside of their marriage, under their supervision.As you could imagine, both Monique and Toya Wright are getting dragged in the comment sections but-
I'm looking more so at the husbands!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid. You get the obvious benefits. You get to have your cake and eat it too, but like, no bruh. This is your best friend, your life partner, your wife, the mother of your kids. This ain't one of your bitches! You don't do that with your wife."
Jaxn went on further to use Monique as an example of women having the right to be angry to the things that offend them-- including infidelity.
The whole point of ya'll getting married was for you two to make each other stronger and better. But you depleted her self-esteem so low, she don't even feel like she deserves all of you. Monique says is if there is something she can't give her husband, she can't be mad if he goes out and gets it elsewhere- but yes, you can.As a woman, you were designed to be complete by yourself. Not with the help of 4, 5 women! That's why [your husband] chose the good with the bad. The complete package. What it got and what it don't.
[Tweet "As a woman, you're designed to be complete by yourself. Not with the help of 4-5 different women!"]
He went on to point out the longterm effects of this theory on a future generation, specifically the daughter's of these men. He ultimately pointed out that their daughter's esteem rested at the palms of their father's example:
To the husband in this situation, how are you teaching your daughter that all she'll ever be is a "fraction" of what's good enough? How can you feel like you made a full physical and spiritual commitment to your wife while you're making physical and spiritual exchanges with other women?Polygamy isn't a new concept. But neither is slavery. I personally can do without both of those systems. So to each their own. I just can't see how a man looks his better half in the eye, knowing that he made her identify with so much less than that.
Powerful.
Of course his commentary sparked mixed emotions, especially among men who felt that men aren't meant to be monogamous. When a man responded:
I will have to disagree with his stance. I think Monique is just opening up her eyes to reality. Human are not monogamous creatures. If you have to force anything into existence, it's not natural.
Derrick was strong with his comeback:
Humans are also not creatures naturally born with deodorant. But we still put it on. Point being, it's not "forced", it's shaped behavior. We tame our natural lying, killing, stealing instincts to coexist. We also can tame our polygamous instincts to be married.
I'm loving Derrick's take on the issue. At the end of the day, it's all about accountability on both ends. And as a woman, although I admire Derrick's call for men to be more accountable for their actions, I'm calling all women to do the same. As I always say, what you accept is what you get!
What are your thoughts on "cheating passes" and Derrick's take from a males' point of view?
My thoughts on Mo'Nique husband for accepting a "pass to cheat" from her#SnapName DerrickJaxn
Posted by Derrick Jaxn on Thursday, November 19, 2015
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At the top of 2022, I started diving deeper into human design and used it to harness my energy, avoid burnout, and attract aligned opportunities to my life. And, honestly, it has been life-changing! So let’s get into it!
While other self-discovery tools may help us understand how we are, human design can help us understand our core energy power and how we can optimize it to be who we are meant to be. The practice combines aspects of Astrology, numerology, Kabbalah, chakras, and I Ching to create a blueprint unique to each individual.
At its core, human design is based on the understanding that individuals are composed of nine energy centers or chakras, which are all interconnected. These centers influence various aspects of our lives, including relationships, career choices, health, and emotions. By understanding our personal energy centers, we can begin to recognize patterns within our lives that may no longer serve us and make informed decisions about changes we would like to make to create more balance and harmony. What’s not to love?
Well, while all of that sounds great, let’s get back to my main point: I really didn’t understand what any of that meant when I first looked up human design. If that’s you right now, I’ll break it down for you below.
Finding Your Human Design Type
Human design is based on five distinct energy types: Generators, Manifestors, Projectors, Reflectors, and Manifesting Generators. Each type brings a unique set of gifts and challenges, but all require a conscious approach to channeling one’s power to be successful.
You can quickly search human design calculator to find your type. All you’ll need is your date, time, and place of birth.
Now I will need you to get that time of birth precisely right because I fumbled mine by a few minutes and got a completely different type. (If you’re not sure when you were born, it’s time to call your mama!)
When you get your chart, it will say several things, but today, we will focus on each type’s strategy (how to align with your type’s unique power) and not-self theme (how you’ll know you’re not in alignment with your strategy).
The Five Human Design Types
hip hop squares intuition GIF by VH1Giphy1. Generators
We’re kicking it off with Generators because it’s likely that you are one. They make up about 70% of the planet (including manifesting generators); as the name implies, these folks have undeniable energy. They are the busy bees of the world and were made to build.
If you’re a Generator, your strategy is to respond, not to initiate! That can feel confusing because we usually hear we should go out and chase what we want. But you have a unique way you should go about it.
When looking at a human design chart, Generators will always have a defined sacral center. This gives you the capacity to generate energy for life and work. Your strategy to respond also means that you need to trust your intuition. Instead of chasing after any and everything because you can, you need to use your intuition and your endless supply of energy “to respond” to those opportunities that light you up.
Check your chart for your “authority,” which will give you deeper insight into your decision-making process.
And trust me, opportunities will come left and right because being a Generator means you have an open and enveloping aura constantly pulling life towards you.
When you ignore the above by initiating or chasing opportunities instead of responding, not checking in with your authority, and choosing opportunities that are just “okay,” you will activate your not-self theme of frustration, feeling “stuck,” and you can even end up quitting.
When a Generator lives in alignment with their human design, they will experience their signature: satisfaction.
2. Manifesting Generators
Manifesting Generators are part of that 70% of generators in the world. And much of what is true for a Generator is true for a Manifesting Generator. Similar to pure Generators, Manifesting Generators respond to life through their defined sacral center before initiating and they utilize a strategy of waiting to respond before initiating energy.
The difference between Generators and Manifesting Generators is that Manifesting Generators are designed to move from responding to initiating quickly—basically, they go in hot! For this reason, you can sometimes seem restless or impatient as your human design type is coupled with the desire to act even though there is an intrinsic need to wait.
But just like that spark can burst into a flame that will get you going on your next project, it can quickly burn out when it’s not the right project. So once again, tune in to your authority and respond to the right opportunities.
When a Manifesting Generator lives in alignment with their human design, they will experience their signature: freedom.
Snl Season 47 GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy3. Manifestors
Don’t shoot the messenger, but, Manifestors are the only ones that should be initiating. These folks make up about 9% of the world and are here to get things started! They are innovative, thriving off freedom and autonomy.
The unique Manifestor magic is in their strategy to inform. Not everyone's ready to handle a Manifestor's powerful impact. Your aura is naturally closed-off and repelling, which can be intimidating for some. Some folks may feel energetically off around a Manifestor and not even understand why. Others may perceive a Manifestor as arrogant.
But because you have a defined throat center in your chart, you are very influential when you speak. Opening up and informing other types about your big plans can relax the energy around you, allowing you to initiate in peace. While you may be tempted to move in silence, you’re not a sacral being like the Generators and may not have the energy to carry out your big plans.
Manifestors are among the types that are recommended to work less than 6 hours a day. Not only may you need to get buy-in for your plans, but not informing can set off your not-self theme anger which will only increase the resistance to your plans.
When Manifestor lives in alignment with their human design, they will experience their signature: peace.
4. Projectors
Now, remember how I told you to make sure you got the time right when calculating your type? Well, I first got a Manifestor, which is so dope, right? I’m the ONLY type that gets to initiate? Heck yes! Welp, I ended up being a Projector, and it turns out that instead of being able to initiate, my strategy was to…wait for an invitation? I was confused and lowkey disappointed, but now I get it!
To all my Projectors, we make up about 20% of the world. We are the seers and guides of society. We have an absorbing and penetrating aura that allows us to see deeply into people and things in a way that no other type can, so it’s easy for us to bring ideas to life by directing energy and helping others reach their potential. That’s why we make such fantastic leaders, guides, and advisors.
Our strategy is to wait for the invitation. While we may so easily see the inefficiencies at work or the incompatibility of our friend’s relationship, when we are not recognized and invited in to offer our two cents, we can quickly be hit with a “who asked you?” or worse, we are ignored.
Especially regarding careers, relationships, and big moves, we need to be recognized for our strengths and invited in to share more of them. That means we do not go out chasing opportunities, but instead, we work on embodying the kind of person invited to the opportunities we want and placing ourselves to be seen and recognized. Start tuning in. What are folks always telling you you’re good at, thanking you for, or telling you you should do? Those are already invitations for you from life.
This is hard because every message about success tells us to do the opposite. But what happens when you don’t do this? When you try to force things, and they inevitably don’t go as planned? We activate our not-self theme of bitterness.
But here’s the good news, when a Projector lives in alignment with their human design, they will experience their signature: success.
Serenity Now Meditation GIF by MOODMANGiphy5. Reflectors
Finally, we have the rarest of them all! Reflectors comprise just one percent of the population and are the ultimate chameleons. Reflectors have a unique ability to observe and discern their environment in profound ways, deeply understanding the people, places, and energy around them.
They don’t have defined centers, so they can both accurately reflect their observations and easily become influenced by outside energy sources. Because of this, their strategy is to wait a lunar cycle before making decisions.
Reflectors must use this innate sensitivity to carefully choose who they spend time with, investing in those who feel elevating and expansive while avoiding anything toxic or draining.
Additionally, solo time is fundamental for Reflectors so they can take the necessary breaks from absorbing others’ energies and reset.
When a reflector lives in alignment with their human design, they will experience their signature: harmony.
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Featured image by Diana Simumpande on Unsplash
Originally published on February 6, 2023