"As a woman, you were designed to be complete by yourself. Not with the help of 4, 5 women!"
I recently had a conversation with a gracious male friend of mine, who pointed out that as women, we have the power to change men with the things we both allow, and don't allow, in a relationship. At the end of the day, most men will do what they are permitted to do, and will hardly see the problem in an issue you yourself claim to not have no qualms with (no-- there is no "taking hints." You must be clear!)
This doesn't mean that if you say "no" to something, your man will change. Sometimes it will repel him away, but it will allow room for man who is for your rules and your worth! That's why it's best to make your standards clear from the beginning, and not halfway through a marriage.
Message!
You know it's time to listen up when a man tells us we deserve better. Hello! I remember when author Derrick Jaxn took to his Facebook to respond to the discussion surrounding women giving men "Cheating Passes" and just like my male friend, Derrick's insight was everything!
It all started when reality-TV personality Toya Wright and actress Mo'Nique both caused a stir by revealing that they give their men whore hall passes to sleep around. The most recent example of this was Toya and her husband's appearance on Untying the Knot, where Memphitz revealed he only cheats during the eight days out of the year that Toya allots him to step outside of their marriage.
After Toya revealed she does this because Memphitz "don't like rules," divorce lawyer and relationship expert Vikki Ziegler asked if Toya is allowed to ever do the same, to which Memphitz replied:
[Are you] Shitting me? She's a woman. She's a girl. What I'm saying is, men, we're built a little different than you.Ziegler: Are you trying to have your cake and eat it too [in your marriage]?
Absolutely. Ain't that what you're supposed to do?
Well according to this Jaxn, absolutely not!
On his social media he released a video response about this theory:
"So I just read an article about how Mo'Nique gives her husband a "pass to cheat," and I read the same thing about Toya Wright giving her husband Memphitz a pass to cheat. While the situations are a little different, both of them are basically saying they want their man to have an honest way to step outside of their marriage, under their supervision.As you could imagine, both Monique and Toya Wright are getting dragged in the comment sections but-
I'm looking more so at the husbands!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid. You get the obvious benefits. You get to have your cake and eat it too, but like, no bruh. This is your best friend, your life partner, your wife, the mother of your kids. This ain't one of your bitches! You don't do that with your wife."
Jaxn went on further to use Monique as an example of women having the right to be angry to the things that offend them-- including infidelity.
The whole point of ya'll getting married was for you two to make each other stronger and better. But you depleted her self-esteem so low, she don't even feel like she deserves all of you. Monique says is if there is something she can't give her husband, she can't be mad if he goes out and gets it elsewhere- but yes, you can.As a woman, you were designed to be complete by yourself. Not with the help of 4, 5 women! That's why [your husband] chose the good with the bad. The complete package. What it got and what it don't.
[Tweet "As a woman, you're designed to be complete by yourself. Not with the help of 4-5 different women!"]
He went on to point out the longterm effects of this theory on a future generation, specifically the daughter's of these men. He ultimately pointed out that their daughter's esteem rested at the palms of their father's example:
To the husband in this situation, how are you teaching your daughter that all she'll ever be is a "fraction" of what's good enough? How can you feel like you made a full physical and spiritual commitment to your wife while you're making physical and spiritual exchanges with other women?Polygamy isn't a new concept. But neither is slavery. I personally can do without both of those systems. So to each their own. I just can't see how a man looks his better half in the eye, knowing that he made her identify with so much less than that.
Powerful.
Of course his commentary sparked mixed emotions, especially among men who felt that men aren't meant to be monogamous. When a man responded:
I will have to disagree with his stance. I think Monique is just opening up her eyes to reality. Human are not monogamous creatures. If you have to force anything into existence, it's not natural.
Derrick was strong with his comeback:
Humans are also not creatures naturally born with deodorant. But we still put it on. Point being, it's not "forced", it's shaped behavior. We tame our natural lying, killing, stealing instincts to coexist. We also can tame our polygamous instincts to be married.
I'm loving Derrick's take on the issue. At the end of the day, it's all about accountability on both ends. And as a woman, although I admire Derrick's call for men to be more accountable for their actions, I'm calling all women to do the same. As I always say, what you accept is what you get!
What are your thoughts on "cheating passes" and Derrick's take from a males' point of view?
My thoughts on Mo'Nique husband for accepting a "pass to cheat" from her#SnapName DerrickJaxn
Posted by Derrick Jaxn on Thursday, November 19, 2015
This kind of wisdom is the type of hindsight that cannot be matched. Because again, while getting older shouldn’t be anything that any of us are afraid of or ashamed to do, wouldn’t it be great if we were more proactive than reactive when it comes to how we take care of ourselves — so that as we do age (and it is inevitable), we will age…gracefully…seamlessly…beautifully?
That’s why I took the time to ask 15 women in their 40s to share some things that they wish they had done in their 20s as far as physical beauty is concerned. Look at it as me doing a solid for any of you younger readers who really think that “I woke up like this” will last…forever. It won’t. And if you settle into that very real reality by taking good care of yourself now, the 40s will be where you actually end up looking better than ever.
*Middle names are used in all of my interview pieces, so that people can speak freely, no matter what the topic may be.*
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Eleele. 48.
“Some women aren’t gonna like this but, Black can crack. I see it often; especially when I look at a lot of these women’s necks — even celebrities. You can look like you’re 29 in the face but because you didn’t take care of your neck when you were in your 20s, it’s out here looking like it should be in a nursing home. That part of your skin ages and sags like everything else. I wish I had cared about that back in the day. I do now and yes young women, moisturize your neck every night and every morning. I personally use a combination of rosehip oil and lavender because they help to stimulate collagen production. Don’t wait until you have tree rings. Do it…now.”
Quincie. 45.
“I wish I had taken better care of my breasts. Not [just] as far as my health; as far as their appearance. When you’re in your 20s, everything is perky and unicorns. Hit 35 and you start to notice that your girls like your feet more than your neck. Doing some exercises to make your pecs more prominent and applying some cocoa or shea butter every night are little things that can keep them youthful. Don’t wait. A breast lift is an option but those aren’t cheap. And if you can avoid paying what a used car costs to keep your breasts sittin’ high, why not do that now?”
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Vonya. 41.
“It might sound weird but I wish I had laid off of my protective styles more. It’s like we’ve forgotten that the point of them is to grow our hair out but that can’t happen if we’re never giving our hair a break from all of the tension that comes from tight-ass braids and twists. Now my edges are suffering and that can make you look older than you are. Those ‘Brandy braids’ are cute, girl, but so is having a full hairline. Don’t live in a protective style — your future self is screaming this at you.”
Madelynne. 43.
“I wish I drank less. I had a good time, trust me. But drinking on the weekends and then having drinks a couple of nights a week after work took its toll. My skin feels drier and it takes more work to keep it moisturized. These days, [I] eat edibles instead. It’s healthier and it has compounds in it that can slow down the aging process. Oh, to be young again.”
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Noelle. 40.
“I wish I had incorporated some sort of hand care. If anything takes wear and tear on a constant basis, it’s our hands and we’ll be out here having a beauty regimen for everything but those. Now my hands are starting to look older than I would like and so I’m having to work overtime to get rid of some fine lines and fragile-looking skin. What I do is get hand facials every couple of months. Look to see what spas or salons offer them. It makes a really big difference on your hands. Your arms too.”
Imani. 42.
“I’m the most comfortable sleeping on my side but it’s not the best for my face — anyone’s face, really. I used to hear that it would cause wrinkles but when those aren’t something that you have to worry about, you don’t care. I’m starting to see a few around my lips and so now I’m on my back more often. I’m thinking that if I had cared about this in college, avoiding wrinkles would not be on my list of concerns at this age.”
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Ora. 44.
“Stay off of acidic drinks. Your teeth will age just like everything else and sodas and orange juice doesn’t help. Think about the people you know who look one way…until they smile. Then they look 10-15 years older. Go to the dentist regularly and schedule a professional whitening appointment. White teeth make you look younger. Just take good care of them. You’ll be glad that you did, if you do.”
Jaye. 44.
“Gray hair is a blessing but my grandmother always told me that it can come in prematurely — and a part of what causes that to happen is stress and a poor diet. When you’re young, you don’t care about stuff like that. But let those first ones creep in around your hairline and suddenly, you’re looking for all kinds of hacks. My advice? That man, that job, and that relative that is already making you want to pull your hair out? Let them go. Your hair can’t take it. And all of that junk food you’re consuming? I still hit a drive-thru but these days, it’s more like a couple of times a month instead of during every lunch break.”
Baylah. 48.
“Get your legs waxed. All of that razor shaving can cause discoloration or leave razor marks that can make your skin look older over time. Plus, it creates ingrown hairs and something about those can make you look older too.”
Francesca. 45.
“Stop not taking sleep seriously. When you’re 25, you can go on four hours of sleep for days on end but it catches up to you. Sleep is what rejuvenates you and if you don’t get it, eventually you will look like it. I have dark circles that I’ve been trying to get rid of and a part of it is due to years of no sleep catching up to me. Whatever it is, it can wait until you’ve had at least seven hours. Don’t listen if you don’t want to. One day you will look in the mirror and wish that you did.”
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Queen. 43.
“I wish I had spent more time outdoors. It’s no secret that Black people have more of a vitamin D deficiency than anyone else but trying to pile up on supplements when you’re older is a lot. When you’re at restaurants, eat on the patio. Sit on your back deck to read a book. Go for a walk in the mornings. I’m dealing with some hair loss stuff right now and it’s partly because I need more vitamin D. And thinning hair makes you look older than you should.”
Raini. 47.
“Waist trainers are bad for you. I wish those damn things would go away. That doesn’t mean that I don’t get that a snatched waist can take a few years off. Hell, I know that I took mine for granted back in my 20s. Snack on bananas and berries. Do some cardio even if that’s power walking through the mall. Stop drinking cold stuff so much. It might sound like a mama’s tale, but drinking things at room temperature reduces bloating. There are other things that you can do to get the curves that you want without smashing your organs. Lord.”
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Ruth. 42.
“I wish I cared more about my damn arms. Nothing makes you look older quicker than your upper arms not being in good shape. Get some five-pound free weights and set aside 15 minutes. Dry brush those bad boys; it’ll keep dimples from showing up. Keep them extra moisturized, so that those annoying little bumps won’t show up. And use sunscreen. The sun doesn’t know if you’re Black or not. It comes for us too.”
Lina. 41.
“Have a professional care for your skin. There are a billion things that you can do at home but an aesthetician is trained to figure out what works best and what doesn’t. Facials, microdermabrasion, and chemical peels from time to time have all played a role in me starting to look younger. If I had taken preventative measures, it would’ve kept some money in my pocket because I wouldn’t be going quite as much as I do now.”
Payce. 49.
“I wish I had been more choosy about my sex partners so that I could’ve had wilder sex. Listen to Auntie here. There is some stuff that good sex will do for you and aging that no cosmetic can. Sweat out those toxins. Work out that core. Take in some of that sperm. Just do it with a man you can trust and you can be totally free with instead of these knuckleheads. Yeah, better mate selection is the beauty tip that I recommend — and stop acting like it’s a rite of passage to start this at 35. Get a good man now and sit down somewhere. So that you can lay down in peace. That’s what I’ve got for you.”
Pass the plate around for Payce, y’all. As far as beauty and maturity go, she just preached — to women of ALL ages! Amen? Amen.
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