The timing of life never ceases to amaze. Today, my reason for saying that is because, although the pitch for this particular topic was approved a few weeks ago, I had already decided to pen it with February (you know, due to Valentine’s Day ‘n all) in mind. And then, something started to happen in the social media sphere that confirmed exactly why the piece needed to be written in the first place.
Unless you oh so very rarely spend time on Instagram, TikTok, and/or YouTube, you’d have to be living under a rock (or be a helluva fast scroller) to miss out on what appears to be an in-real-time-crash-out (at least when it comes to the current/latest cast) of the relationship touring panel Tonight’s Conversation. And although I am definitely the kind of person who will hyperlink the entire mess out of my content (in order to validate what I’m saying) — when it comes to this matter, I am choosing not to.
Mostly because the issues are so layered, varied and so many people have so many hot takes and opinions on them all, that I am just going to recommend that, if you’re interested, you do some low-key investigative deep diving yourself; trust me, the series of situations will not be hard, at all, to find. Tonight’s Conversation and the people who make it are quite the hot topic right through here.
Do I have a point of view on it all — c’mon now…is water wet? Honestly, though, at the end of the day, my takeaway with them is about how I feel about relationship-themed social media content overall — and that is featured in the six points below. So, if you happen to be someone who goes to social media to get your relationship-related info, here are a few things that you should definitely keep in mind. For your own sake and the sake of your (future) relationship, chile.
1. Know the Difference Between Entertainment and Edu-tainment
GiphySince I got my (professional) start covering entertainment, something that I find myself saying often about the entertainment industry is it’s always important to remember that one definition of entertain is “to distract” — which can be a good or a bad thing, if we’re gonna be real about it. It can be good if you need something that will help to de-stress you or make you laugh for a moment; it can be not-so-good if it keeps you from accepting the reality and facts of a matter (including whoever your favorite celebrity may be).
And so yeah, if you’re consuming a lot of online relationship-related content, something that you first need to ask yourself is, “Is this distracting me from what I need to address or is it giving me medicine with some ‘sugar’ in order to receive it better?” That second thing? That is what I would consider to be edu-tainment: education that is mixed with entertainment.
A good example of it? Something that my male friends and I do whenever we go out to eat is flip the tab back and forth. For the record, it wasn’t their idea, it was mine because I like bringing reciprocity into my relationships (just sayin’). When it comes to one friend, in particular, we happen to (eh hem) like The Cheesecake Factory and you know what? There has not been one time when we haven’t gotten up from there without at least a $130 tab. That’s why I don’t get how it was such an “issue” for people to go there on first dates a couple of years back. SMDH.
ANYWAY, when that was the focus of so much relationship-related commentary, I remember a comedian by the name of Malik Bazille posted a skit on his IG page that was classically hilarious (you can watch it here). You know, someone once said that comedians are prophets and that definitely came to mind as I watched it because, although it was super funny, points were made in the process (for one, entitlement and rudeness are not a ministry).
Research says that most people, on average, spend 2.5 hours on social media daily. If you happen to be one of them and relationship-driven content is your thing, be honest: does it make more sense to consume entertainment or edu-tainment? Time is something that you will never get back, so please, choose wisely.
2. It’s Okay to Research Credentials (and Bios)
GiphyA couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Thinking About Hiring A Life Coach? Read This Before You Do.” A part of my motivation was because I wanted people to understand that there is indeed a difference (actually a few differences) between what a life coach is and does vs. what a therapist is and does. That way, you can know what you actually need. Not only that but you can pick up on red flags when it comes to what people in social media claim to be vs. what they actually are.
For instance, a friend of mine who is also a life coach, and I were discussing a popular person who claims to be a therapist and yet, they have no letters behind their name, no formal training is mentioned in their bio, graduating from a school with that area of expertise isn’t referenced and we could find no proof of them being licensed (which is easily verifiable online and/or by phone).
Chile, you’d be amazed how much this happens, and listen — I was someone who was life coaching married couples for years before I got my own letters (in coaching, you can become an ACC, PCC, or MCC). That’s because it’s only been over the past couple of years that professional training has been required in the field. Therapists, though? Oh, that’s always been the case.
For the record, I’m not saying that only people with professional credentials should provide relationship content. To me, that’s just as ridiculous as saying that only married people should provide relationship advice (and I clearly don’t support that way of thinking — check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships”). However, what people profess to be, needs to be verifiable because with certain credentials come certain expectations. Not only that but, something else that my friend and I cackle about are all of these folks out here who are charging for degrees through their programs when they don’t even have one.
Again, if you’re just looking to be entertained, this point is kind of “whatever.” On the flip side, if you take a lot of what you hear with more than just a grain of salt, researching the source is never not a wise decision. Trust me.
3. Yes. Pandering Is Indeed a Thing.
GiphyIn the relationship space, pandering is a word that is used just about as much as narcissist is. And what both words tend to have in common is the fact that folks use them while having a general idea of what they mean without exactly breaking them all the way down. When it comes to pander, one definition is “to cater to or profit from the weaknesses or vices of others” while another is (wait for it) “to act as a pimp or procurer of clients for (a prostitute).”
You know, when another very popular relationship content guy got busted for posting content that so many women enjoyed listening to, all the while doing the very things that he “held other men accountable” for, both men and women alike said that he was a panderer. Look again at what that means, though. Folks can’t tell you just what you want to hear if you’re strong in the areas that they’re addressing and pimps? Real pimps need money in order to survive and yes, many of those start out coddling women — only to be the ones who end up taking advantage of them in the long run.
My point here? Definitely give big-time side-eye to ANY relationship-content person who only sides with one gender. Even people who have a platform specifically for men or women should be bringing balance to what they are saying. For instance, if a person has an issue with single moms or women with many sex partners, and yet single fathers and men who are highly sexually active are never addressed — that is pandering.
On the flip, if someone is constantly ragging on men for their height or how much money they make and yet never addresses what men find to be attractive in women or calls out ladies who only go on “foodie dates” (you know, dates that are only for the sake of getting a free meal), they are problematic too. Content creators like this want to make people feel like only the opposite sex is the problem, that their audience doesn’t also have some self-reflection and inner work to do — and that is because they know that the more an ego is stroked, the easier it is to keep someone’s attention and even get their coins. Ladies (and gentlemen), pandering in a nutshell.
And speaking of what pandering can do…
4. Don’t Just Listen to What Strokes Your Ego/Coddles Your Pride
Giphy“Feeding the monster.” When it comes to stroking egos, content creators who pander are doing something that is pretty damn dangerous: they are feeding the pride of people and that ends up creating egomania…yes, its own “monster” of sorts. When content doesn’t hold you accountable; when content excuses and/or justifies your own poor behavior; when content encourages you to focus more on the external than the internal; when content praises you for being selfish and entitled; when content says that it’s okay to be rude, patronizing or condescending to others — oh, I could go on and on when it comes to this one yet yes, people who are like this are relationally counterproductive, to say the least.
The main point here is if you’re listening to relationship-related content that is damn near programming you to be unbearable to be around…that is the stuff that you need to totally avoid. I could name some platforms — oh, but I digress.
5. Make Sure You’re Clear About What Cognitive Dissonance Is
GiphyThere is plenty of data out here which says that social media, in general, isn’t necessarily benefitting relationships in the long run. If it’s not triggering jealousy and feelings of uncertainty, it’s creating feelings of anxiety and low self-esteem, plus it significantly compromises couples when it comes to their quality time together. Now, just think if you’re a married person who is listening to a platform that is either anti-marriage or acts like you can just toss a covenant away like it’s an old pair of socks. Listen to that too much and here comes what you may hear people online mention from time to time: cognitive dissonance.
Basically, cognitive dissonance is what transpires whenever you are processing two conflicting stances. For instance, if you profess to believe one thing and your life reflects something very different — at the end of the day…cognitive dissonance. So, when it comes to something like marriage, if you took vows to take your commitment seriously and then you’re online, in the comments, wearing your husband and relationship out — COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.
Another example? You claim that you want a serious relationship and yet everything about what you say and do speaks to the contrary — including how you speak of men, hanging around people who devalue men, and shooting down everything that men say that they need and want to be happy in a relationship, in part, because your favorite online folks do the same thing(s). As a result, here you are, in a conflicted resolve state — an emotional cul-de-sac if you will, and it’s getting you absolutely anywhere. Why? Because if there’s one thing that cognitive dissonance is gonna do, it’s stagnate you.
And do you think those content creators care? Sis, they don’t even know you and oftentimes, they are venting about their own drama more than actually giving helpful insights and advice because they are in their own hamster wheel of cognitive dissonance too.
Me? There are some content creators who I click off of as soon as I see them. I’ve heard them before, their message is also on the same stuff and so I already know what they’re about — it’s toxic and contradictory to what I stand on and for. Y’all, sometimes, even if something is entertaining, if it’s going to get you to start shifting who you are as a person and what you profess your standards to be, it needs to be avoided anyway. Blocked even, if necessary. Cognitive dissonance is more chaotic than anything. Straight up.
6. Avoid Letting Complete Strangers Wreck Your (Love) Life
GiphyWhen it comes to the relationship-related content creators who you pay the most attention to, tell me something — do they challenge you to become better, do you feel less stressed and more peaceful listening to them, do folks who are in healthy relationships respect what they have to say (and how they say it)?
I have not really specified platforms, by design, through all of this, yet I will shout out a few people (via their IG profiles) who fit this bill for me: @iamtaylorchandler, @his_daughter_7, @kimberlyevandsreed, @henryandvictoriadoss, @4fitfatherhood, @onedopecouple and @kristline_ _ who I wrote an article on last year: “Viral Sensation Christiana Sabino Is Using 'Pure Black Love' To Build Her Brand.” Trust me, this is just a mere handful and yet, I think that they are a solid example of what it means to be out here trying to make things better not worse and they certainly aren’t just saying whatever folks wanna hear. They actually make me think of a Message Version verse of the Bible that I like a lot: “Your task is to be true, not popular.” (Luke 6:26)
Are they perfect? NO ONE IS PERFECT. Are they trying to do more than just entertain or make a buck? They certainly seem to be and that’s a good thing because, in order to be in a beneficial relationship, you’ve got to say and do things that are beneficial — interesting how that works, huh? Meanwhile, if someone only wants money and/or attention? Well, doing all kinds of ridiculousness can get them that; however, being able to maintain a worthwhile connection with a person of quality and character in the process?
That will be a real struggle for them and we see examples of this being true (almost) daily. And gee — why would you want someone who doesn’t seem to care much about nurturing their own relationship (or relationships with others even outside of a romantic connection) to talk you into sabotaging your own? What kind of sense does that make?
____
It seems like there is more relationship-related content out in these streets than there ever has been. As you’re trying to handle it all — think about your relational goals, find the people who complement those results and outcomes, and stay balanced in what you listen to.
Influencers can indeed influence you. The good news is you have the power to determine who does, why and how much. Use that power wisely. Your relationship, in many ways, depends on it.
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The episode was the perfect way for the multihyphenate to take control of her own narrative. By addressing the viral moment on her own platform, she was able to stir the conversation and keep the focus on her adoration for Braxton, an artist she says she grew up listening to and who still makes her most-played playlist every year. Elsewhere, she likely would’ve received questions about whether or not the costume was a subliminal aimed at her ex-boyfriend and his pop star fiancée. “I think that people will try to project their own narratives, right?” she said, hinting at this in the episode. “But, for me personally – I think it’s very important to say this in this moment – I’m not in the business of tearing other women down. I’m in the business of celebrating them.”
Kayla Nicole is among xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, powered by SheaMoisture, recognized in the Viral Voices category for her work in media and the trends she sets on our timelines, all while prioritizing her own mental and physical health. As she puts it: “Yes, I’m curating conversations on my podcast The Pre-Game, and cultivating community with my wellness brand Tribe Therepē.”
Despite being the frequent topic of conversation online, Kayla Nicole says she’s learning to take advantage of her growing social media platform without becoming consumed by it. “I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out,” she says.
On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."
Credit: Malcolm Roberson
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Featured image by Malcolm Roberson
Meanwhile, frankincense and myrrh originate from the Middle East and Africa (you know, like the Bible does — some folks need to be reminded of that—eh hem — Trumpers) and ginger? It too helps with indigestion (which can definitely creep up at Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner tables); plus, it’s a key ingredient for ginger snaps and gingerbread houses. So, as you can see, holiday-themed scents have a rhyme and reason to them.
Tying this all in together — several years ago, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry ‘Christmas Sex’?” Well, in the spirit of revisiting some of that content, with a bit of a twist, I decided to broach some traditional holiday scents from the perspective of which ones will do your libido a ton of good from now through New Year’s Eve (check out “Make This Your Best NYE. For Sex. EVER.”).
Are you ready to check some of them out, so that, whether it’s via a candle, a diffuser, some essential oil, or some DIY body cream (check out “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever”), you can bring some extra festive ambiance into your own boudoir? Excellent.
1. Vanilla
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When it comes to holiday desserts, you’re going to be hard-pressed to find recipes that don’t include vanilla — and that alone explains why it is considered to be a traditional holiday scent. As far as your libido goes, vanilla is absolutely considered to be an aphrodisiac — partly because its sweet scent is considered to be very sensual. Some studies even reveal that vanillin (the active ingredient in vanilla) is able to increase sexual arousal and improve erectile dysfunction in men. So, if you adore the smell, here is more incentive to use it.
2. Frankincense
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Although, typically, when people think about frankincense (and myrrh), it’s in the context of the gifts that the wise men brought Christ after he was born; it’s a part of the biblical Christmas story. However, frankincense goes much deeper than that. Sexually, since it has an earthy and spicy scent, some people like to use it to meditate (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”). Also, since it has the ability to put you in a better mood, soothe and soften your skin and maintain your oral health — with the help of frankincense, every touch and kiss can be that much…sexier.
3. Cinnamon
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I already gave cinnamon a shout-out in the intro. Personally, I’ve been a fan of it, in the sex department, for a long time now (check out “12 ‘Sex Condiments’ That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”). When it’s in oil form, it can be very sweet to the taste while sending a warm sensation throughout the body — which is why the giver and receiver of oral sex can benefit from its usage. Beyond that, cinnamon helps to increase blood flow to your genital region, elevate sexual desire and, some studies say that it can even help improve fertility. Beautiful.
4. Peppermint
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If there’s a signature candy for the holiday season, it’s probably a candy cane — which automatically puts peppermint in the running for being an official holiday scent. Pretty much, in any form, it’s got your sex life’s back because it’s hailed as being a sexual stimulant; in part, because its smell is so invigorating. Plus, it helps to (eh hem) ease headaches, it gives you more energy and it can definitely help to freshen your breath. Also, that minty sensation? The same thing that I said about cinnamon can apply to peppermint too (if you catch my drift).
5. Ginger
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Whether it’s in a meal or in your bedroom, ginger is going to produce results that are hella spicy. On the sex tip, science has praised ginger for being able to increase sexual arousal, improve blood circulation (which intensifies orgasms) and strengthen fertility for many years. Scent-wise, I find it to be one that both men and women enjoy because it is both woodsy and sweet. So, if you’ve got some massage oil in mind, adding some ginger is a way to please you both.
6. Pomegranate
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September through December is the time of year when pomegranates are considered to be in season. And, as someone who is a Rosh Hashanah observer, I have a personal adoration for them because I am aware of the various things that they symbolize in Hebrew culture including the fact that they are a fruit that represents love and fertility. So yeah, they would absolutely be an aphrodisiac — one that is perfect for this time of the year. While consuming it helps to boost testosterone levels in both men and women, the floral bittersweet smell that it produces can help to reduce stress while promoting relaxation (like most floral scents do) — and the more relaxed you are, the easier it is to climax.
7. Nutmeg
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Another signature seasoning during the holiday season is nutmeg. It’s perfect in Thanksgiving sweet potato (or pumpkin) pie and Christmas morning French toast. And yes, it can also make your sex life better. If you consume it, it can intensify your libido and, overall, its warm-meets-spicy-meets-sweet smell is so inviting that it is considered to be a pretty seductive scent.
8. Cloves
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I ain’t got not one lie to tell you — if you’ve got a toothache, put some clove oil on that bad boy and send me a Christmas present for putting you on game. Aside from that, as I round all of this out, cloves are another holiday scent that can do wonders for your sex life. For men, it has the ability to significantly increase sexual arousal and improve stamina and endurance. For men and women alike, it also has a reputation for strengthening sexual desire. And for women solely? Well, if you want an all-natural way to increase natural lubrication down below — the scent and and feel (in DILUTED oil form) can make that happen. It can make the holidays especially special…if you know what I mean.
Ah yes — the atmosphere of the holidays and what it can do.
Take it all in! Scent ‘n whatever stimulating that comes with it! #wink
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