Recently, I read an article about a couple who've been engaged for—count 'em—11 years. Not months, y'all. Years. While the current average of how long an engagement lasts is close to 14 months, for many, engagements aren't seen as simply the time it takes to plan a wedding. These days, a lot of couples are using it as no more than a way of publicly declaring that their relationship is a little more than the standard boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic.
Personally, if a man were to ask me to marry him and I said "yes," I'm not interested in waiting longer than a year (two, tops and that's really pushing it). I'm not really into big weddings, I'd rather put all of that money towards the down payment on a home or car.
So rather than planning a big ceremony, I'd want to read some books, maybe attend a couple's retreat or two, and get into some counseling—oh, and go through the checklist that I share with the couples I give premarital counseling to: "276 Questions to Ask Before You Marry." Yeah, I know that's a lot but if you're intending to spend the rest of your life with someone, you should know as much as possible about what you're signing up for…right?
Actually, before even getting into all of that, I'd want to ask my own self a few questions because before I can be good for someone else, I need to really know who I am and what I would be bringing to the table. This is essential because something I'm a firm believer of is, marriage is like a mirror and a magnifying glass. Nothing shows you the good, bad, and straight-up ugly about yourself quite like a spouse does.
So, what are the questions I think that every woman (myself included) should ask themselves before getting a ring on their finger?
5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Getting Engaged
1.What Kind of “Baggage” Are You Bringing into Your Future Marriage?
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A few years ago, I wrote "10 Most Common Reasons for Divorce." Since my "specialty" when it comes to marriage life coaching is reconciling divorced couples, I have seen infidelity, financial issues, and the lack of intimacy (of every kind) come up. But if there's one overlooked reason why so many couples quit, it's because they brought a ton of baggage into their union. Sometimes without even realizing it.
Baggage like what? Unresolved issues with exes. Boatloads of financial debt. Childhood trauma. Things that not only weigh them mentally, emotionally, and spiritually down but also things that they expect their spouse to fix. That's not only unfair; it's unrealistic.
If there is a person or even a memory that, when they or it comes to mind, you wince, do yourself, your beloved, and your future marriage a big favor and try and address that before saying "I do."
A spouse is designed to be a life partner. Not our personal savior.
2.Are You Ready for Daily Acts of Compromise for the Rest of Your Life?
I know some people who are married but honestly should've stayed single. I say that because they are selfish. Super selfish. Some of them buy things that totally blow the family budget on a whim. Others keep issues in their marriage going for weeks on end because they would rather hold a grudge than apologize. Then there are those who don't make decisions that are best for their marriage as a whole; they only think about what is best for them. And yes, that is the textbook definition of selfishness because to be selfish is to be self-consumed.
If you know you're not a good listener; if you know that you have an "It's my way or the highway" kind of attitude; if you suck at empathizing; if prioritizing needs vs. wants is way over your head and/or if you'd rather "win" than keep harmony and peace in your relationship—not only are you bad at compromising but you are about to make you and your future spouse absolutely miserable.
There's not one marriage on the planet that doesn't require daily acts of compromise. If the thought of doing that makes your stomach turn, again…do everyone involved a favor and stay single.
3.Have You Done Everything That’s Not Up for Compromise/Negotiation?
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Speaking of compromise, something that my mother used to always say that is a big pearl of wisdom is "Do everything you can't compromise before marriage." I like that bit of advice for a couple of different reasons.
For one thing, it's a reminder that being single is just as much of a blessing as being married. There are things that I can do that my married friends can't because they have to take someone else into consideration. I also like this insight because I know far too many wives that, when they were single, they were so obsessed with getting married that they didn't even stop to think about what they would be giving up.
Getting married doesn't mean you lose yourself. It does mean that you signed up to make a major life transition, though. The things on your bucket list that you know would be easier to do without having a spouse, do those now. Your time and money will not be quite as freed up once you become a Mrs.
4.What About Your Current Life Will You Be Giving Up?
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This one is a biggie. Unfortunately, a lot of times, as single women (I'm speaking of the ones who actually desire to be married), we're so focused on what marriage would bring to our lives that we overlook what we'd be losing once it happens.
One wife has told me that she misses sleeping in the weekends. Another wife has told me that she misses talking on the phone all hours of the night with her girls. Still another wife has told me that she misses being able to spend every Thanksgiving and Christmas with her family.
There's no doubt about it. Marriage isn't just about daily compromise. It's also about making certain types of concessions. If you're not someone who does well with sacrifice and change—at the very least wait. It's not fair to you or yours to get married if you're not prepared to give up some things.
5.Aside from Being in Love, Why Are You Considering Marriage?
Something I'm notorious for is folks saying to me, "I'm getting married!" and me following up with "Why?" I'm not being a hater. I honestly want to hear the response. More times than not, I get blank looks or something along the lines of "Because I'm in love."
Love is good. But, believe it or not, there are a lot of divorced people who love their ex. Like? Compatibility? True partnership? That's something totally different.
I remember asking one of my once newly engaged male friends why, after watching him make dating look like an Olympic sport, was he ready to jump the broom. His answer has always stayed with me. "She's my best friend, totally incomparable and I know that we're specifically customized to take each other to the next level in life." Yeah. That's some good stuff right there.
Disney and rom-coms have done a real number on us. It's programmed a lot of us into thinking that marriage is going to be like a scripted film rather than a lot of work. Fun, sex, and companionship? Yes. But also a daily concerted effort to provide what is needed in order to make a marriage last. And that, is not always a cakewalk.
When you pull back attraction, sex, idealistic views of marriage and your wedding day, whatever is left, that is what will reveal what your relationship is truly made of. If it's solid, awesome. If it's not, it's OK to not get engaged just yet.
While you are single, you are your top priority. Love yourself enough to be self-aware enough to know if it's truly time to prepare for a wedding or if you need a little more time to work on you.
If it's meant to be, he'll not only wait but give you mad props for pumping the brakes.
If it's not, still consider yourself blessed. You just dodged a bullet. The fact that it may have come in the form of a diamond ring is totally irrelevant. Trust me on that.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Apparently, there was a Thanksgiving episode that featured all of the friends having dinner together. And y’all, there was simply no way that I was going to mention the latter without shouting out the original (amen?).
Okay, so with that out of the way — Friendsgiving. Something that I appreciate about twists to holidays like this is that it’s a reminder that there is no one way to celebrate special occasions. And so, if, for whatever the reason, you will not or cannot be with family during the holiday season, there are certainly other alternatives at your disposal.
That being said, if the thought of spending time with friends this Thanksgiving is something that you’d like to do, yet you’re not sure how to host it in a way that will make Friendsgiving a fan favorite for your entire circle — I’ve got 10 suggestions that can make the planning process easy as pumpkin (or sweet potato) pie.
1. Position Chrysanthemums or Orchids for Your Table Décor
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Let’s start with décor first. Listen, aside from cleaning up your place, you don’t have to be over the top. If you put together a really nice centerpiece or put a flower at each table setting, honestly, you’re all good. And if you’re someone who is big on details and symbolism, my recommendation would be to go with some chrysanthemums and/or orchids.
When it comes to chrysanthemums, not only are they a peak fall flower, they represent things like friendship and happiness. And orchids? They tend to bloom during the fall and spring seasons and, not only are they about luxury, certain orchid colors also symbolize friendship (for the record, yellow roses symbolize friendship too). Perfect.
2. Incorporate Scents That Cultivate Gratitude
Speaking of cultivating a warm and inviting space, you can never go wrong with scented soy candles — or at least having an essential oil diffuser in a few spots. Some scents that actually help to bring in the spirit of gratitude include vanilla, jasmine, ginger, cedarwood and frankincense.
3. Use Upscale Paper Products to Dine With
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Let’s be real — a lot more of us would probably host events in our home if it wasn’t for the mess that is left behind in our kitchen once the festivities are over. Wanna avoid that? Use paper plates. No, I don’t mean the cheap Styrofoam ones. SMDH. These days, there are paper (and plastic) plate brands that will low-key blow your mind when it comes to how bougie they look. Some that are worth considering are located here, here and here.
4. Handwrite Thank-You Notes (Use Them As Place Settings)
If you’re like Tiffany (from the HBO series Insecure — what a time) was at that memorable dinner party when all hell broke loose between Lawrence and Issa and you’re pretty anal — I mean, particular — LOL — about place settings, it’s a nice touch to pick up some blank thank-you cards that you can write a personalized “I’m thankful for you because…” message in. Place each one where you’d like each friend to sit. They won’t see it coming and it’s a really nice touch.
5. Have Everyone Bring Their Favorite Homemade Dish
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Okay, and what if what has you on the fence about hosting is you don’t feel like doing a ton of cooking? Chile, this is where the concept of having a potluck comes in. Get everyone to bring the dish that they claim they cook the best and make sure to let them know how many individuals you plan on coming (so that they will make enough). You can even make a game out of it by having everyone anonymously vote for the first, second and third best dishes out of the bunch. Take it up a notch by having a prize for each winner.
6. Take a Warm Drink and Dessert Poll Beforehand
You know what isn’t discussed enough about dinner parties? Folks bringing desserts that other people don’t even like. SMDH. You can avoid this from becoming an issue at your Friendsgiving by sending an email (most people prefer that to group chats; let’s be real — and make sure to BCC everyone as well) asking everyone to share what their top three favorite desserts and warm drinks are. Then pick the top 2-3 out of the bunch. That way, you won’t have a ton of (for instance) coffee cake or apple cider lying around that no one even wanted in the first place.
7. Create a Signature Friendsgiving Mocktail and Cocktail
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Speaking of drinks, another way to make your Friendsgiving memorable is to come up with a signature mocktail (for those who don’t consume alcohol) and cocktail. For the mocktail, you can also poll your friends about their favorite mocktail or fruits and come up with a mixture of your own. For the cocktail — although National Friendship Day is actually in August, I did peep that there are certain drinks that have been created in its honor. Some of them are located here for you to do a bit of tweaking on (if you’d like).
8. Ask Everyone to Share Their “Favorite Friend Quality” of Another
You know how it’s customary for everyone to go around and share what they are truly thankful for before having dinner? Well, to continue along with the Friendsgiving theme, have each person share what their favorite friend quality is about the person to their right. If folks are just meeting each other for the first time, instead they can share what they value the most in friendship overall, along with a story of how it was displayed to them personally over the past 12 months.
9. Send Each of Your Guests Home with a Fresh Gratitude Journal
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Wanna send folks home with a nice parting gift? It would be so on-trend to give each of them a gratitude journal. Listen, we are in some crazy times right through here (at least in the States) and so, encouraging your friends to set some time aside, regularly, to think about and then outwardly express what they are grateful for? That helps to keep stress down, keep things in perspective and it reminds us all to maintain a positive mindset as much as possible.
10. Watch a Nostalgic Movie
While everyone is enjoying dessert and drinks, how about watching a movie that brings back fond memories? A list of some of the most popular movies to come out previous Thanksgiving weekends is located here and a list of some favorite Black holiday-themed films can be found here. It’s a way to wind down and share some laughs before everyone heads home.
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Friendsgiving. What a wonderful way to celebrate your friends while also observing Thanksgiving in a way that is totally on your terms. And now that you know how to put it together, what are you waiting for? Hit your friends up and let them know that, whether it’s on actual Thanksgiving Day or a few days before or after, you’ve got a special dinner in mind.
One that has a good time with amazing friends written ALL over it.
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