Why Positive Thinking In Your Relationships Will Be An Important Part Of Its Success
For my friends and I the phrase "n----- ain’t shit" had become a theory for our relationships.
We thought we had heard enough stories from our mothers and aunts and experienced enough ourselves that we thought this would manifest in our own relationships eventually someday.
Especially me.
Last summer, I was in a “situationship” with a man that didn’t want to commit but wanted relationship privileges. As unhappy as I was, it was so hard to get away. I was reading all of the books I could that would give me advice about how to pick the right mate and be in the best situation for me.
This brought me to Don’t Waste Your Pretty by Demetria Lucas D'Oyley. After seeing Demetria on the Bravo TV show, Blood, Sweat, and Heels, I enjoyed hearing her perspective on relationships and how she seemed the most normal on the show so I decided to read her thoughts. Not long after buying her book, I found out she was having a Q&A brunch in my area and signed myself and one of my best friends up.
While hearing women all over the brunch ask questions about relationships, not settling, and trust issues. I literally felt an energy that helped me have an epiphany. In that moment I decided that I was ending the “situationship” that was igniting negative energy in my life. I turned to my friend and said, "I’m done with him."
Now of course I had said this before, but this time felt different, I felt more confident when saying it.
At the end, after thanking Demetria for sharing advice with us, I walked outside the restaurant and got the call that changed my life. A friend called and said she wanted to introduce me to her brother that afternoon. She felt like we would have a good chemistry and even if nothing romance came from it, she believed that he and I could at least be “good friends.”
Later that day, her brother and I met and we did have great chemistry and conversation. We wanted the same things and had the same ambitions. But I had experienced this before when meeting people for the first time.
How was I going to grow and make this experience with this man different?
How could I make sure that this did not crash and burn in 6 months or less like every other guy I had met?
I decided to change my thinking.
So often we hear about positive thinking with your mind will bring positive vibes from people around you and the same thing exists in love. Previously when asked how a relationship I was in was going I would say "Oh its good SO FAR", "Everything is fine FOR NOW", "He hasn’t messed up YET."
By saying these things, I was mentally preparing myself for the worst to happen. I was not preparing myself for these great things to continue to happen.
Why was I expecting something bad to happen?
Why did I not believe that everything could actually be okay?
I changed my answers to “Everything is good”, “We are doing well.” Taking away the uncertainty makes the good things going on more certain and takes away the questioning or instability of these things continuing to happen.
It also can’t just be you. You and your partner must both believe in expecting the best, speaking the best, and believing in your relationship. My boyfriend and I were talking one day about the future I said, “Well if we get married and have kids together…..”
He immediately stopped me and said “Why is there an ‘if’?”
Then I silently asked myself, Why is there an “if”? If I love this man, why I couldn’t I speak a definite, “When we get married and have kids together…” instead of my uncertain “if”. It was a fear of speaking about things that might not happen and imagining how stupid I would feel if they didn’t. But again, there was the thought that things might not happen. I was still thinking and subconsciously expecting it not to happen. I allowed myself to be so scorned by the past that I could not speak my dreams and hopes for a future with him without being afraid. Since that day, whenever speaking about the future between my boyfriend and myself, we speak of our future in the definite. We put that energy and speak those words into the air because we believe the future will happen.
[Tweet "I allowed myself to be so scorned by the past that I could not speak my dreams and hopes for the future."]
The people around you have to know not to bring that energy into your situation. Early in my relationship when speaking about my boyfriend, my mother would say “I just don’t want you to get hurt.” I politely told her that I do not spend my energy and my mental thoughts on “the potential of getting hurt.” Protecting myself from getting hurt limits the potential of my relationship. It leaves me guarded and unable to be completely naked with my partner. Your friends and family will also bring to you the idea that the worse will happen. They love you and do not want to see you hurt. They will be unaware of how bringing that energy to you can alter your mindset. Protect your mental energy and kindly inform them of the wavelength that you are on.
[Tweet "Protecting myself from getting hurt limits the potential of my relationship."]
Now I know the skeptics are still thinking, “what if?” Some probably believe “I don’t want to look stupid,” or “I don’t want to be hurt.” When life happens, we deal with it. We strategize the best way to handle something when things happen. However, why as women do we prepare and plan mentally for something that hasn’t even happened? That’s like planning a funeral when you are not on your death bed.
Has my relationship been perfect? No. But have I received the betrayal and lies I always expected from relationships? Absolutely not. This is not by chance.
For all those ladies still saying “n----- ain't sh-t,” the guys you run into will never be worth your time, because you are expecting them not to be.
Once you change your perspective, realize your worth (because that has a huge effect on what we attract), and go into relationships with a positive frame of mind, everything will work itself out.
You deserve to at least give yourself a chance at love.
How do you speak about your relationships?
Related Post: I Discovered My Husband's Love Language...And It Saved My Marriage
Erin Marie is a writer and educator in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn. Originally from Atlanta, Georgia, Erin is passionate about critiquing the issues of Black women, Black media, and relationships. A lover of books, Erin is constantly reading in order to change and evolve and to help others, especially children. To connect with her follow her on instagram at @eairon or at branded.me/erinmarie.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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6 Flexible Entry-Level Remote Careers That Truly Require No Experience
It’s always frustrating when you’re new to the job market, transitioning into something new, or you’ve taken a few gap years to care for children, and a so-called entry-level opportunity actually requires experience. If you’ve just graduated from your program or you’ve been working in another field for years, how is this possible?
Well, there are job opportunities, according to the experts at FlexJobs, that require no experience and are perfect for those who are looking to make a change or are new to an industry or role. And many of these roles are fully remote, allowing you to make money while at home (or almost anywhere in some cases.)
Here are six remote jobs that require little to no experience to help you get an idea of where to start:
1. Administrative
According to FlexJobs, there’s a demand for virtual and executive assistants who can provide support to others using the transferable skills they’ve learned either working in another industry or that they’ve been trained to do in college or a trade school. These roles require “clear communication skills and efficiency will impress potential clients and employers.” And the fun factor: You can choose what type of company or type of assistance work you want to do, oftentimes can set your own hours, and if you find purpose in helping a visionary reach their vision, this is a hit.
2. Language & Translation
Working as a translator involves “translating verbal files into written documents, using video to interpret virtually, or proofreading and cleaning up translated files.” You can also use these skills in education or for corporate communications, so if you have certifications or you’re fluent in multiple languages, this might be a good fit.
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3. Social Media
We all know social media is here to stay, and there are lucrative ways to leverage. Brands and larger companies need passionate professionals to manage their pages, automate posts, or provide strategy, and while some professionals bring marketing degrees to these jobs, this industry is wide open for those who have skills in using popular platforms, videography, art direction, and creative voice.
4. Sales
For those who have worked in retail, have a natural gift of gab, or are motivated by the hustle, this career lane is a hit, especially when it comes to online sales jobs. Some entry-level sales positions involve working in a call center, but if you’re able to sell your transferable skills well, you can apply for sales jobs at various companies with experience from another field or a college degree from a CG in a call center environment and either taking inbound calls or making outbound calls in order to sell a product or service.
5. Customer Service
While this one can get a bad rap, it’s a great opportunity for someone looking for a change who loves serving others. Oftentimes, you can find gigs that are web-based, and several openings require no previous customer service experience. There’s also potential for growth and thriving in customer service if you’re great at sales and you land a gig at a company that rewards meeting goals every month or year. Skills in communication, typing, and professional conflict resolution are valuable in this field.
6. Travel & Hospitality
Jobs like being a travel agent allow you to help vacationers and corporate leaders alike plan, book, and troubleshoot trips, whether for business or pleasure. You can also find opportunities to work for a hotel or resort or even for small businesses that specialize in offering Airbnbs. For this job, you’ll typically need to have “good people skills and the ability to easily learn new software programs.”
Find out more about remote jobs where you need little to no experience via FlexJobs or follow them on Instagram.
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