It seems like just yesterday, I was singing along to Elle Varner's "Only Want To Give It To You" as it blared through the radio while cruising down the street. And let's not forget the countless times my girls and I blurted out the lyrics to "Refill" anytime we found ourselves at a restaurant. Varner's soulful voice and reflective yet catchy sounds undoubtedly provided a backdrop to some of my most memorable moments. And it's for that reason that I was excited to chat with her on a busy midweek afternoon, as she poetically and transparently spoke on life and love lessons she's learned over the last several years.
Like all of us, Elle wasn't and isn't exempt from let-downs and lessons that come with navigating the murky waters of love and relationships. And if her new EP, so aptly entitled Ellevation, is any indication of the growth she's undertaken, then fans are definitely in for a treat.
xoNecole got the chance to talk with Elle, where she dished on her musical evolution, personal boundaries, and what she needs to have in her next relationship. Here's what she had to say.
xoNecole: Your EP is called ‘Ellevation’ and for good reason, I’m sure. In what ways do you feel you’ve evolved both personally and musically?
Elle Varner: This, for me, was a big growth spurt and kind of an end of a chapter. I kind of liken it to a graduation, because when you come into the music industry professionally--it's a lot like being a freshman. Everything is exciting and new and then stuff gets hard, stuff gets challenging, tiring. But you have to push through those couple of years, then you're rewarded. You've not only completed this milestone, but you have all this knowledge and wisdom to take with you into the "real world". I definitely feel like I've graduated into that space as a woman, as an artist.
You mentioned in an Instagram post that this album had been a sort of healing agent for you. When you're going through a rough patch or combating self-doubt, what do you do to heal and get back to your highest self?
It's really about what's around you. You can't control certain life circumstances, but you can control the people you have around you, the types of food you intake, the type of energy you intake. So for me, one of those big changes was going to church on a regular basis and having a community in the church that really supported me. Reading books, watching TED Talks, all these things that feed you with nourishing uplifting experiences.
Elle Varner
"This, for me, was a big growth spurt and kind of an end of a chapter... You've not only completed this milestone, but you have all this knowledge and wisdom to take with you into the 'real world'. I definitely feel like I've graduated into that space as a woman, as an artist."
Your song “Kinda Love” is pretty straightforward and honest on the type of love you seek now in this season as opposed to what you may have tolerated in the past. What did your last serious relationship teach you about love?
It pointed me in the direction more so of self-love. From my very first relationship in high school up until now, I would say that love doesn't have to be complicated or possessive or consuming. It can be a complement to your life, something that enriches your life, and adds value in certain ways. But it shouldn't be something that consumes you completely, or makes you afraid or holds you back.
What boundaries have you put in place now to ensure that your next relationship is as enriching and valuable as you'd want it to be?
I think I have to come first honestly. When you think of all the extraordinary circumstances of being a woman: we're able to give birth, we carry life in us for nine months, we have to menstruate every 20-something days. And we still go to work and do the things everyone else has to do. So it's not to say that women are better, but it's to say that I'm fully okay with the feeling that my needs have to be super met and that I am a queen and need to be treated as such. That's it. I used to think that somehow that was a bad thing, but no. And I also have to have the kind of dynamic where he understands that I'm fully committed to my work, that this is a lifestyle for me. It's not just a job. I'm giving to so many people, so I need to be fulfilled in a way where it allows me to do that or I just have to leave it alone, you know?
If you could describe your ideal relationship in three words what would they be and why?
"Fun", "love", and "trust". I'm pretty easygoing, a fun person. But I think trust and love are important because people have to really deal with themselves in a way that allows them to be in a relationship with someone else and give them their all when it comes to love. I've experienced things where the person holds back or they were just not able to correct themselves--because they haven't dealt with certain issues. You want to be with someone who's kind of already resolved their issues or is able to come into the relationship whole. And I say "trust" because, you have to keep it real. I don't want you to paint a picture or tell me what I want to hear. I want you to present your truth and I can take it or leave it.
When you do find that whole person, how would you like your man to cater to you?
Right now I'm so focused on my goals and aspirations, I don't know if I have a whole lot of space for that. And I'm really okay with that. That's just the place I'm in, but anyone who does come into my life has to understand my commitment level to my work and not try to compete with that or feel slighted. It's nothing personal, it's just what I do. I'm doing ten interviews a day, running a business. I'm building a legacy.
"This was God's way of reminding me of how I laughed at doubters and kept going. He was reminding me of the perseverance I always had as a child, how I always went against the grain, and the fighter I always was. Who I am. He was reminding me of who I really am."
What do you know now about yourself that you didn’t know before?
There's this scene in Lion King where Mufasa says, "Remember who you are." And I think that, sometimes it's not that we change--it's that we forget who we are and why we started. And being on a public platform, having a public image and a lot of influence can definitely affect how you think of yourself. It might heighten your self-image, then you create an identity around how people see you. But I'm really glad that a lot of things were, for lack of a better phrase, taken away because at first it felt like, "Oh my God, oh my God." But then I realized, this was God's way of reminding me of how I laughed at doubters and kept going. He was reminding me of the perseverance I always had as a child, how I always went against the grain, and the fighter I always was. Who I am. He was reminding me of who I really am.
Featured image by Jennifer Johnson/Elle Varner
Ellevation is available to download and stream now on all platforms. And be sure to keep up with Elle by following her on Instagram.
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images
