How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
Everyone loves a Cinderella love story. In fact, when most of us daydream about love, there's usually a Prince, a Princess, and a happy ending. As lovely as it might sound, what these fantastical stories have failed to highlight is what happens in the "in-between". The days when romanization meets the sobering realities of when love looks less like a fairy tale and more like sacrifice. Truth be told, that might actually make a better story. Still, this alt-fairy tale may not be too far off script as one could imagine, just ask Kyle and Kobe Campbell.
When Kobe and Kyle first met, most people would think that the environment where their initial attraction sparked wasn't exactly conducive for what would later come out of it. The two met in college and lived in the town where Kyle's father leads the largest Black church in the community. "Think Greenleaf," shared Kobe, 27, to describe the church they both attended. When the two met in college, Kyle, 26, was the guy that all the church girls in town were convinced would be their husband. And as their courtship progressed, Kyle's social status and Kobe's introduction to it, began to take a strain on the early days of their courtship. Still, in the midst of their rocky beginnings, they knew that what they were experiencing was all a part of the greater plan and love story that God was writing for them.
Courtesy of Kyle and Kobe Campbell
Now the couple works to bring light to mental health, faith, and relationships through their podcast, The Healing Circle, and have founded a non-profit, The Healing Circle Therapy Fund. Through their work, the two are showing the world what love looks like when two people are committed to each other's healing. "God dispelled so many myths for us, the idea that the things God called you to [were] meant to be and come easy and that just isn't true. Don't give up on love just because it's hard."
In this installment of How We Met, we learn about the power of healing, growing (up) together in love, and how God can write the ultimate love story.
How They Met
Kobe: There are two sides to the story. I met Kyle coherently at bible study, through some mutual friends, my sophomore year of college. Kyle, would you like to tell your side of the story?
Kyle: OK, there's what she said and then there's the truth (laughs). The truth is, a year before that bible study, "B.C." (or before Christ), I met her at the club. She was throwing it and I was catching it. We danced all night and I went home and told my brother, "I met the woman I'm going to marry." And I didn't see her again for a year until that bible study.
Kobe: I didn't remember dancing with him at the club because I was very drunk, and when we got married, he kept telling people that we met at the club. I thought it was a joke at first until I realized he was serious and I was like, "Stop telling people that." Especially at church because it's embarrassing. Then he was like, we're going to hash this out right now and started telling me how my hair was, the dress I was wearing. I had a That's So Raven moment and was like, 'Oh my gosh, I remember the night I wore that dress because I had only worn it once.' And all my friends were like, "Get off of him, you've been dancing with him all night," and I was like, "I'm grown!" Turns out, he was my husband. God works in mysterious ways.
First Impressions
Kyle: So, I don't know if you've ever seen Kobe, but I'm sure you're well aware that she's ridiculously good-looking. Gotta be the top 2-3% most beautiful people in the universe. I always thought she was beautiful, even when we first met. I don't know what she thought about me. When we met a year later at the bible study, it was very much so platonic because I was dating someone else. I thought she was beautiful, but I wasn't interested in her in that way. I remembered her from the club!
Kobe: Well, I knew whoever I was dancing with at the club was fine! When I met him at bible study, I thought he was really handsome and just who he was and how much he loved the Lord, was something that was really attractive. But similarly, he was dating someone, and I was like, 'I'm just going to go about my business.' I thought he was a little bit arrogant. He's a PK (Preacher's Kid), so he was the guy that all the girls thought were going to be their husband. I wanted no parts of such foolery, so I very clearly drew the friend line and we just moved forward from there.
Navigating Insecurities
Kobe: It was really difficult. Where [he] lived and went to college, Kyle's dad is the pastor of the biggest Black church, so think of it like Greenleaf. It was a very close-knit family and in the minds of the people in the church, Kyle was already married off to the daughter of the assistant pastor. And here I was, this 21-year old girl, like, "Hi, I like this boy and I want to date him," and it brought out my insecurities. I'm a darker skinned woman and I have a twin sister who's fairer skinned than I am, so I was always aware of colorism and comparison. In my childhood, I was taught that men don't marry women darker than them. So when this guy who's a couple of shades lighter than me wants to be with me instead of all these light skin girls who are intelligent and beautiful, it made me suspicious that there must be ulterior motives. But it highlighted the uniqueness that I have because being with Kyle was one of the first times I realized that I have something that no one else has. I didn't have to be the prettiest person in the room, I didn't have to be the skinniest, with the biggest butt or the longest hair, I just needed to be myself.
Kyle: Truth be told, a lot of those "well-meaning" women were actually really vindictive and mean. They would spread rumors about her, that she must have done something to be with me. Everyone thought she was a hoe and called her that to her face. Then I'd have to show up with the DMs from the same girls who were talking about how they would give it up if I gave them the chance. It was tough.
Courtesy of Kyle and Kobe Campbell
"In my childhood, I was taught that men don't marry women darker than them... being with Kyle was one of the first times I realized that I have something that no one else has. I didn't have to be the prettiest person in the room, I didn't have to be the skinniest, with the biggest butt or the longest hair, I just needed to be myself."
The One
Kyle: I always say that we didn't fall in love, we walked into love and it was slow. We were committed to each other long before we ever liked each other. We didn't really "like" each other until we were engaged. We respected each other and saw value in each other but we didn't really have the honeymoon phrase. We were just out here holding hands and having hard conversations.
Kobe: That needs to be put on a t-shirt! Kyle has given me a physical reference for what it means for God to never leave me or forsake me. No matter what I do, Kyle always has the most kind and gracious response. If I say something to hurt him, his response is, "I know you're hurting right now and I want to walk with you in that." Just like the Lord, he disarms the shell that I'm so used to operating in and sees right through it. I can go off, and he's not going to speak to how I'm manifesting my anger, he's going to speak to the anger. And he makes me feel like I deserve love. And for a long time, I didn't think I deserved that. It's never an act, it's just who he is.
Making It Official
Kyle: The courtship was pretty interesting, we had an honest conversation and I told her that I felt like I really wanted to pursue a deeper relationship with her. She told me that she might be attracted to me all of a sudden, out of nowhere, but didn't want to talk about it again. Then she high-fived me and said, "Let's give it 30 days and it will go away." I took her advice and 30 days later I came back and my feelings hadn't changed, so I asked if I could pursue her and she said no. The next few months were just me asking her If I could take her out and going through more extreme lengths. I asked her dad before we were dating if I could marry her and he told me if I could get her to like me, he was all good with me marrying her. After that, it was really just me knocking at the proverbial door trying to get her to like me until I kind of just annoyed her into answering it.
Kobe: I think we went into things sober-minded, knowing that there wouldn't be a honeymoon phase. If I'm just being candid, the beginning of our relationship was the first time I had experienced depression that strongly before. It was a lot of what led me to become a therapist myself because that time was just so formative for me. The amount of social kick-back from Kyle saying that he wanted to be with me was just something that I wasn't used to. It felt like my life was not my own, but I knew God had called me to this person, but with his person came all these things I didn't like. There were a lot of women at our church who had known Kyle since they were like 12 years old, and they had an eye on him and were very upset [about him dating me] and were very vocal about it. That was the first time in my life I found myself being quiet; I was just the new girl who was really disliked because I was with Kyle which was really confusing because I knew I was called to be with him.
Courtesy of Kyle and Kobe Campbell
"I always say that we didn't fall in love, we walked into love and it was slow. We were committed to each other long before we ever liked each other... We respected each other and saw value in each other but we didn't really have the honeymoon phrase. We were just out here holding hands and having hard conversations."
Love Lessons
Kyle: Love and marriage is not about happiness, it's about healing. Having one can bring you the other, but it doesn't work in reverse. Being happy won't make you healed, but after enough healing has been applied, you will definitely be happy. Our relationship was not filled with all the happiness in the beginning because it was really just focused on a lot of healing. We were in the type of relationship that most people would tell us to get out of. The world would say, "You don't owe this person this type of commitment, clearly something that hurts this much cannot be good." But we were encouraged in our relationship that this wasn't something we experienced before, but there had to be something at the end: and it was healing.
Kobe: It's OK to sacrifice for other people if you feel like it's worth it. People would say, "Stop sacrificing so much," but in my heart I knew [our love] could save his life. And looking back I lost nothing that mattered and gained everything that did.
Keeping The Faith
Kobe: Kyle and I made an agreement that we would do our best to love God more than we loved each other and anytime we felt like we loved each other more than we loved God, we had to check each other. The reference of me saying that it's OK to suffer for someone if you feel like you can save their life wasn't just something that I came up with, that's what I've experienced from Jesus. And I think sometimes our ideas of love look more like mutual convenience than it looks like sacrifice. Kyle says that the hard times feel like, "Day 2," and Day 2 looks like God's a liar and that every miracle Jesus did was in vain. But then Day 3 comes and now Day 2 looks like the liar. So for us, if we did not have the Lord, we would not be together.
Kyle: Our faith anchors us, it puts context into what it meant to be together. It wasn't about how happy we could make each other, God was like, "I have something really good for you if you trust me and move forward in faith." Since our commitment was to the Lord and not to each other, we got to a point where we were really freed up to love each other really well.
Courtesy of Kyle and Kobe Campbell
"Love and marriage is not about happiness, it's about healing. Having one can bring you the other, but it doesn't work in reverse. Being happy won't make you healed, but after enough healing has been applied, you will definitely be happy."
Favorite Things
Kyle: Very easy for [me]. My favorite thing about Kobe is her generosity. People say they know generous people, but Kobe is different. If she sees a homeless person asking for money, not only does she give every single time, she'll go out of the way to go to the bank to give them money. There are folks that have a commitment to doing the right thing but there are some people who wouldn't have it any other way, it's just who she intrinsically is.
Kobe: I love how gracious he is. Kyle has never let something I've said or done define who I or anyone else is. He will always be the person who sees beyond the moment. He also has this child-like joy that I love. He's just so free, loving, and hilarious and that's not something I was able to see in Black men growing up. Now, I get to live with that every day.
Common Goal
Kyle: The biggest piece of evidence of, "Two different purposes combining to be more than they are separately," gets into our non-profit, The Healing Circle Therapy Fund, which addresses the economic side of the mental health care gap of POC, and the emotional aspect of people who need healing and the disparity in the number of African American therapists who can help them. I'm highly analytical and Kobe is the Einstein of emotional intelligence. She can't do math very well, she counts on her fingers sometimes, but emotionally, she is a genius. In this non-profit that we started it came out of her having a dream and seeing the need for people and her moving recklessly in that direction. She saw that she had clients that needed therapy, but just couldn't afford it, so she started her own practice. Six months in, we started losing money because she was paying for more therapy than she was being paid for. So I said, tell me what the problems are in your industry and he taught me about it and we put a plan together to help fix it.
Kobe: I think the more we became healed individually, the more we realized that our passions didn't match but they complement each other. For me, my passion is healing. I do consultations with Corporate American businesses but I primarily provide therapy for women of color who have experienced trauma. For me, healing is my thing. So for Kyle, his analytical mind marries my passion where he can make it logistically possible [to achieve] the dreams we have.
For more of Kobe and Kyle, follow them on Instagram @healingcirclepod and @urban_apologist.
Featured image courtesy of Kobe and Kyle Campbell
Originally published May 27, 2020
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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