One and Done at 21, I Got My Tubes Tied So I Can't Have Kids
At fifteen years old, I made a decision about two important life events that was possible to occur in everyone's lifetime that I just didn't want to experience:
- I was never going to get married
- I was never going to have children
I don't like children. They're fun and cute but they are also many other negative things to me that I don't find appealing. In general, I didn't and don't care to have a tribe of children running around me because parenting didn't and doesn't sound exciting, enticing, or interesting. It's not an experience I wished to go through in my life especially with what my siblings and I went through growing up. I didn't want to put children through those kinds of situations.
Due to a lack of many things in my youth, one major fail from my creators was them overlooking the significance of teaching me about sex and protection. There was never a talk about it at all but I wasn't stupid, just a tad naive. The fact that I'd ran away from home, dropped out of school (eventually graduated), moved away with family a few times, then settled in a small town in Illinois 600 miles from my mom and sister with my alcoholic uncle and his deaf wife and children didn't help my fate either. It was there that I met a man 9 years older than me who took advantage of my mental innocence of sex, leading my young and dumb self to believe his lies, and that immature, uneducated mindset minus protection got us pregnant.
Aside from being a 19 year old pregnant, lost, and confused young woman, there was the fact that I was months away from deploying to the Airforce. It was my choice to serve and nothing was to stand in my way except pregnancy – something I hadn't figured would even happen to little ol' me in a lil ol' town. An option – or an “out" to having the child was abortion but that was never a "yes" for me even before getting pregnant, it wasn't a choice I thought I'd ever be okay accepting if I'd done it so the only option was to have my son.
I thought about giving him up for adoption so many times before he actually arrived, even spoke to an older sort of mentor about it but in the end I decided that I couldn't live with knowing that my kid was being raised by someone else, so I did what any responsible person should do when they f*** up and become a parent – a single parent at that – I prepared for motherhood. My son's father was a complete bum (a type I couldn't pick out the, but bet your tush I can now) and after he asked me for an abortion, I knew I'd be a single mother.
I Decided
I struggled as a young parent trying to find my way as I went through postpartum depression, suicide attempts, raising him alone, etc. but throughout all of that, one thing never changed in my head, and that was the dislike of being a parent or wanting more children so I made an appointment with my doctor and we talked about my options to sterilize, i.e. getting my tubes tied.
So many women told me things like: "You can't get your tubes tied, you have to be this or that age with this many kids before they let you do that," or “No doctor will let you do it." My all-time hated rebuttal to my decision was: "Don't do It, you'll want kids later in life and regret it."
From nurses to nurses-to-be to people who uncles were doctors to everyone who knew they were “right" about tubal ligation – I was told of how impossible it would be. Thankfully, I'm not one to listen to other people – especially non-PHD-having-people – when it comes to my body. I spoke to my doctor about my rights and as expected, all the "you can't" bs were hearsay lies. My doctor told me that in our state, and in most states in the US, a mother at the age of 21, unmarried with one kid can have a tubal ligation. If you were married, you'd have to get your husbands permission. Because I like to be right all the time, this information pleased me so much to be able to go back and tell all of the know-it-all's that they were wrong. There I was, at 21 years old with a 1 year old son discussing what was to happen next since we'd decided on the tubal ligation.
We spent another 20 minutes going over the procedure, what to expect, and I signed the form to have the tubal ligation procedure. The hospital has a protocol that makes each patient wait a full month before scheduling the appointment in case they change their minds during the wait time which is a great policy to have in place for those who were not sure, however, I was sure. In those 30 days, I thought long and hard about everything my doctor went over with me. I researched the procedure, I read other women stories on it, and I put myself in the mental position to see the full outcome of the procedure.
No matter what I read or saw or who I talked to about it to, my decision never changed: I would be sterilizing myself and removing the option to ever have children again.
The procedure went smoothly and the healing process was short and sweet. My best friend had come with me to drive me home. Ironically, while I was having my procedure, she sat in the waiting room, pregnant with her own child. I felt so good about my choice and felt happier about my future knowing it would be just my son and I. I would have never guessed that the most aggravating and annoying part about having had a tubal ligation would be the women and their responses when it is brought up in conversations. It's not information I freely divulge, but if in the conversation it comes up, the responses from women makes me want to scream.
Women were made to reproduce, but it's a choice and not a mandatory requirement for the gender.
What these women failed to realize is that I wasn't and am not them. Not every woman wants to be a mother. Yes, we have reproductive organs for a reason, women were made to reproduce, but to me, it's a choice and not a mandatory requirement for the gender. I didn't and still don't want to be a mother to any more children. People will say whatever they want about what you should and shouldn't do with your body and those people irk the very essence of my soul. Ladies and gents, it's your body – if you want to poke holes in it, change it, ink it up, or whatever, it's your body and no one should be able to say anything about your choices and if they do, teach 'em a lesson and speak your mind.
Overall, I felt good knowing I could never get pregnant again. It was like whew , sigh of relief. My fear of raising more children was over. For some, especially those who cannot bear children but want to, it's a hard pill to swallow hearing me talk so bluntly about my happiness in NOT having children. I wish I could apologize for that, but I won't. I hope those who want children get to have children because that's part of their purpose in life. Some may think I made such an important decision too early and will regret it but I assure you they'd be wrong.
To those thinking about these steps in life, think long and hard. I knew what I wanted my future to be when I was 15 years old, I took the reins and controlled what I wanted to be in my life. Everyone can say that, so think carefully. I don't regret my decisions at all. I still don't want any more children, don't want a man with children (but that's not guaranteed), and I still, more now than back then, do not EVER want to get married. It's a selfish way to live - to some - but we are all different individuals with different goals for our lives and being different is okay as long you know yourself and make sure that all the decisions you make for you, your body, your mind, and spirit are to make you happy.
What are your thoughts on sterilization procedures or getting your tubes tied? Have you ever had to have a big procedure that was a life altering decision? Share with us below.
Have a story you'd love to share? We are now accepting submissions at editor@xonecole.com.
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Mo Merrell is a 34 year old aspiring writer residing in Minnesota. When she's not working at a non-profit helping homeless youth, she's spending her free time penning novels and relaxing with her son.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Between the rise of the creator economy and the gig economy, the window of opportunity to leverage your creativity for long-term gain has never been more potent.
For the last four years, I’ve worked as a full-time freelance writer and content creator. A year into this journey, I knew that if I wanted to create a sense of structure around my life outside of a traditional 9-5, I would have to create it.
To my surprise, that came in the form of social media.
Now, you might be wondering how someone might be able to juggle their work in a creatively-dominant career like writing while still having the mental capacity to produce ideas for their own personal brand, and well, that answer didn’t come easily.
In 2021, I hit a wall with writing and content creation.
With the stress and uncertainty that came as a result of the pandemic, to being burned out from having to live off my creativity, I reached a breaking point. For me, writing was always a space to explore my thoughts, process heavy topics, and express concepts that only words could bring reason to. However, when I didn’t have the brainpower to write or create content, I knew it was time to set parameters around my hobby of content creation and my passion for storytelling.
In this case, the biggest challenge was finding the balance between the two by releasing the guilt and shame of taking a break from both in order to reconnect with them.
Through years of trial and error, the fog finally cleared, and I was able to hit my stride in 2023. From garnering over 10K followers on TikTok, building an Instagram community around lifestyle and creative encouragement, along with my wellness collective, Black Girl Playground, and writing for xoNecole as a lifestyle contributor, the creative juices have been flowing steadily.
And it all happened by creating a strategy that allowed space for planning, resting, and creating. Today, I’ll be sharing my top tips to help you find your balance between your side hustle and passions.
On staying inspired and motivated when working on various content creation and freelancing projects:
Early this year, I came to the bright conclusion that I needed to shorten the gap between ideation and execution — and it completely changed how I create.
Oftentimes, when we have an idea come to us, we let it sit for too long, and then before we know it, we’ve either lost the enthusiasm to put it into action, or someone else grabs it. If you want to stay in a flow of creativity, whether side projects or full-time work, it’s important to not get slowed down by self-doubt, procrastination, or perfectionism.
Give yourself permission to act on your ideas as they come to you. Even if they’re a little muddy or not “perfect,” you can always fine-tune them later.
@yagirlaley shrinking the gap between [ideation] + [execution] 🧠💡#fyp #creativeadvice
On the importance of choosing a niche:
If there’s one thing that has helped me balance my work as a writer and content creator, it’s putting each in its own niche (or category). By definition, a niche is a specialized segment of the market or a specific area of expertise.
When you are creating in the same niche that you’re also making a living in, that’s an easy way to get your wires crossed. And at times, this could lead to feeling as if you don’t have any ideas for yourself because you’ve given them to the other area you're juggling.
When balancing two, you want to have enough fresh ideas to give to your personal projects and your full-time work to avoid any overlap. This ensures that your personal creative vision isn’t compromised when working on client projects while still having some for yourself.
On the strategies that have helped to maintain a consistent workflow in both areas:
I can’t stress enough how important it is to create a workflow and structure for yourself as a freelancer — this applies to those with a 9-5 in the day and a 5-9 at night, too.
As someone who admittedly has ADHD tendencies, object permanence can sometimes create a block in time and project management. That’s why I encourage creatives and professionals to create systems that allow you to see the work that’s ahead of you.
Personally, I can’t live without having multiple calendars going at once. My Google calendar keeps track of interviews for articles and events, while my physical calendar helps me keep track of important dates. I also work out of an Excel sheet where I can log in ongoing stories and track their status from drafting to submission. I’ve also heard great things about the Notion app for planning and tracking.
When it comes to creating content, spending time doing bulk content days has been an asset to my creative workflow. When I complete the videos, I save them to my drafts and upload them as needed.
Credit: Amberita
Courtesy of the writer
On the best advice for someone who is considering pursuing both content creation and freelancing simultaneously:
Don’t be ashamed of taking a break and resting — because both are essential to the life of a creative. Last month, I returned to Instagram after taking 6 months off from posting. During that time, I worked on growing my TikTok page, using the platform to practice vulnerability and allowing myself to put the fun back into creating content. Without the time, I can’t say I’d be able to approach Instagram with the same ease and playfulness; but thanks to that time away, it was possible.
Resting, letting our minds wander, or simply doing nothing are all just as productive as creating. No one can produce at all times, we have to allow ourselves the space for new concepts and ideas to flow to us. In addition to that, when we take breaks from social media, it allows us to stop the wheel of comparison and consume more than we create. So if you feel like you’re in a creative rut with all you want to balance, it may be time to take a step back, unapologetically.
Your creativity will thank you for it.
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Featured image by Sir Taylor