"Damn. That was it?"
A familiar phrase and a stark reminder of why I only have one rule in the bedroom: I come first.
I've grown weary of the reminder that I have good p*ssy, because this is something that I know. Guys normally lean in right before their big "O" to inform me of how tight and wet I am, which is usually their excuse as to why they couldn't offer me more than five minutes of action.
My first sexual experiences were totally male-focused and I began to believe that was how it was supposed to be. I hadn't been told or seen any different. Even most porn is male-centric, the focus is rarely on the woman's climax. My sexual inhibitions were always stifled by my partner's urgency to orgasm, leaving me to feel repressed and unsatisfied.
Related: My First Orgasm Changed Everything I Thought I Knew About Sex
It wasn't until I was 24 that I first confronted a man for not having the desire to make me orgasm. He came over, humped me for a total of three minutes, and fell alongside of me. In my bed. In my apartment. In which he did not pay bills. And then, he went to sleep like a baby. The first time that he failed to make me climax, I showed mercy. I assumed that he had a long day, and felt as though I shouldn't be so demanding. But after the fifth time of the cycle of a few strokes, finish, pass out, and repeat - I had enough.
"What about me?" I asked him softly, calmly.
To which he replied, "If you want me to be honest, I don't really feel like it."
All I could see was red. I screamed at him to get the f*ck out of my apartment. He stuttered, glared at me, amazed by my exclamation. I yelled louder for him to leave as I pulled the pillow from beneath his head and ripped the covers from his scrawny naked body. He stumbled out of my bed, scrambling to put his clothes on.
I can admit, my response was disproportionate to the situation. Maybe it was pent up aggression and frustration after years of sexual oppression from being relentlessly humped by men that could give a damn about my own liberation. Or maybe I was just really, really horny. Needless to say, we didn't speak after that night and I didn't care. Not only had I learned a valuable lesson about relenting my energy so freely, but I had also developed a new perspective about sex.
I deserve to orgasm, every damn time.
In college, I admittedly was promiscuous. I would have sex with one guy after another, hoping to find out what all the hype was about. I didn't like sex until I was 21 and met a man who changed that. He was 18, fresh outta highschool, and a terrible choice for a suitor but he f*cked me in ways grown men had never been able to, and he always made sure I came first.
Sex before and after him had been mediocre.
Related: This Is Why I'm Okay With Having Sex With My Ex
Guys didn't care if I climaxed. It was a "don't ask, don't tell" dynamic that, as I got older, sickened me to my core. I've developed the standard that if I decide to share my sacred spaces with you, the least you can do is get me off. I also understand that your desire to get me off, as a man, is predicated on your own sexual fulfillment.
I decided that it was time to put an end to the male-centric sex in my life and got myself off that night, thus I developing the golden bedroom rule that I now live, honor, and abide by. No longer will men be permitted to waltz in my bedroom with their only goal being to fulfill themselves, and then rush me to reach my level of optimum pleasure.
I. Come. First.
I can admit, my rule hasn't always been effective and there have been times I've allowed men in my bedroom to get ahead of themselves. But I find solace in knowing that my climax is the center of attention during a sexual encounter, therefore the tables are turned and his orgasm is predicated on mine.
Give my method a try, and I promise that it will switch up your sex life.
What are some methods you use to regain your feminine power in the bedroom? Drop some suggestions in the comments!
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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