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What Dating Looks Like When You Have A Long-Term Illness
Until very recently, I hadn't been on a date in a while. I'd been asked on them, I'd flirted, I'd kissed – but committing to anything else was too hard. I'm in recovery from anorexia, and it takes over my life – which includes dating.
To start, a lot of dating revolves around food or drink. I'm very specific about what I will eat, and have to check out restaurant menus in advance. I often ask for adaptations. It's hardly the laid back and liberal approach I like to present to the world.
Body image is something that many women struggle with, but is exacerbated by an eating disorder. I don't really have dysmorphia – I know I'm underweight – but I still struggle with what other people will think.
And then there's the fact that I have to constantly be planning for my next meal or snack while thinking about not doing too much activity, at the same time. It's exhausting.
For the moment, it is recovery, in all its facets, that is a big part of my life.
So, avowedly spinster, potentially more out of self-protection than anything, I was rather blindsided when I met a sweet, funny, and supportive guy who has signed up for the good stuff and the hard stuff. He reassures me, helps with meals, calms me down when I get anxious, keeps me warm and makes me feel safe. We also like to dance around the living room, are big fans of exploring old buildings, can nail a newspaper crossword, and spend a lot of time laughing.
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But it's not easy - dating with a long-term illness is hard. And it's an issue that people with many different illnesses face.
Helen suffers with chronic pain all over her body, which affects all aspects of her life – mobility, cognitive function, and emotions. Whenever she is online speaking to someone new, she tells them that she has to walk with a stick. Quite often this is the end of the conversation, and people simply stop talking to her.
She recently went to a 'traffic light' party and was pointed at and called out by other people in the room. One man said to her, "You are limited, what are your solutions?" – as she couldn't travel far to see him due to exhaustion. "This made me feel inferior and an inconvenience," she says.
And with chronic pain, everything hurts – including sex. She explains that, "I've never met anyone who cared enough to be attentive and gentle enough to make it enjoyable."
This knowledge is exacerbated by her body dysmorphia and feeling that she isn't attractive enough for anyone to like her.
A girl I knew in recovery from anorexia once got all the way into bed before the man she was with stopped because she was too small, and he worried he would break her. At this point, she was what is deemed a "healthy" weight, showing how arbitrary and low these boundaries are set.
One thing that is really important is being honest.
I told my boyfriend about anorexia recovery almost immediately, as he had asked if I wanted to go out for lunch. The conversation then evolved into things he could do to help me – knowing my meal plan, nudging me to choose the best choices for recovery, planning in advance – rather than put us in an awkward situation.
But knowing when to have that conversation is hard. Karen has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She is very cautious about who she speaks to. "It feels like when you're sick, you spend a lot of time being cautious in who you show the real realities of the crap of the illness to, and so it's a massive vulnerability to have to bare your deepest insecurity of an illness, very quickly. To let down that mask even a little bit, is a real risk. There's no way around ripping that plaster off very soon, and so for me I'd probably rather steer clear of the situation where I have to do that, for fear of rejection because of it."
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"It feels like when you're sick, you spend a lot of time being cautious in who you show the realities of the crap of the illness to."
She finds that it often comes up when she is asked that killer question, "What do you do?" and she has to explain that she is off work long-term due to illness. As well as closing that conversation down, it makes her struggle with feelings of self-worth "and not wanting to be a burden physically and financially, as well as not wanting to appear weak."
Most of the people that I've spoken to about this are in their thirties. There's an extra pressure with dating in this decade, because, for the most part, people are looking for something long-term.
As Karen says, "When I think about marriage and stuff even though it's the whole 'for better or for worse, in sickness and in health' thing, it's the struggle of feeling like, 'Well yes, that's true, so if I became chronically ill after we were married that's when that would kick in, but to invoke that before you even begin, is too much of a price to ask someone to pay.' And although dating is just dating and doesn't necessarily even get to a point of long term, let alone marriage, it's always that looming feeling in the background."
But it's a good sign if you find someone willing to take on the illness challenge. My boyfriend has said that he wouldn't be putting in all of this effort if we were just a short-term fling. Every time he makes me a dinner that stretches me just enough towards recovery tomorrow, whilst feeling safe enough to deal with today, I know that he is reaffirming that he cares. Because it's not just me who faces challenges – so does he. He has had to have a much more structured approach to eating, with regular meals and snacks, so that he's always there to support me. Language is a big thing, as even the slightest slip such as calling something "bad" or commenting on the size of a meal can send me into misery or trigger of eating disorder behaviors.
Dr. Michelle R. Hannah says that the best time to share is when you both think that you are on the same page in regards to where the relationship is heading. She has worked with lots of cancer survivors on rebuilding their lives, and has also suffered from cancer herself. She was lucky that when she met her husband, she had been through a process of self-healing by spending time working on her own physical and mental health. "We had the conversation early on because we truly knew where we were going early in our relationship. It was a tough conversation but his compassion and commitment made it easier. Knowing we could both be transparent with each other helped immensely on the days that I was at a pain level of nine on a scale from 1 to 10. After four major procedures before we were married, I knew that we were both committed to the traditional wedding vows before we took them. Chronic illness, or recovery from one, is one of the toughest challenges that one can go through but when you have someone who is dedicated to assisting you to achieve optimal health and love you through it, [it] makes the journey so much more meaningful."
"Chronic illness, or recovery from one, is one of the toughest challenges that one can go through but when you have someone who is dedicated to assisting you to achieve optimal health and love you through it, [it] makes the journey so much more meaningful."
Clare has also been diagnosed with Parkinson's for just over two years and has found that it has really knocked her confidence. First dates are stressful and full of anticipation anyway, but Clare struggles to even get dressed for them. "Things can be going well," she says, "but then I will start trembling and feel self-conscious and stupid. My left arm hangs in a way that I think makes me look very sick. I am consciously aware of it, and will spend all my time worrying about it. So then I can't focus on and enjoy the date."
That's one of the key things about dating when you have a long-term illness. That illness is always present, and it's very difficult to be 100% focused on the date or relationship in general.
Self-esteem is one of the biggest casualties. It's this that stops Karen. "I know that I struggle with internal dialogues of self-worth with having a chronic illness and the thought of dating - the battle of feeling like no one would want to buy into that from the beginning."
When your illness takes over you everyday life, it can feel like you've got nothing else to give. I've felt like that too. Why would anyone want to put up with the challenges that illness and recovery come with?
Because they care. And that's what all relationships are about: A mutual caring, respect, and delight in each other's company. As important as self-care and management strategies are, and as big an issue as illness is, it's not everything.
You're an individual with a lot more to give than just a diagnosis, and there are people out there excited about getting to know all of you, the good, difficult, and shades of light and grey.
Featured image by Getty Images
Never happier than when in a library or clutching a notebook, Francesca Baker is a writer, reader, and word lover. As Virginia Woolf said 'my head is a hive of words that won't settle.' So she puts them to use, exploring the world and then writing about it. You can read more about Francesca on her blog or follow her on Twitter and Instagram.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Mariee Revere On Her History-Making Million-Dollar Sales And The Future Of MoonXCosmetics
If the name Mariee Revere sounds familiar, it's probably because you heard of her beauty and skincare brand, MoonXCosmetics, or you may have heard about her history-making achievement of making $1.8 million in less than eight minutes. But before starting her million-dollar brand, Mariee was just a teenager trying to cure her acne.
While she grew up in the skincare capital of the world, South Korea, Mariee didn't really experience breakouts until her senior year of high school. Like many people who get their first breakout, she didn't know what to do, and there weren't many products out there at that time. So she decided to experiment. What she didn't know was that what she came up with would ultimately be her ticket to success.
"When I graduated high school, I moved back to America, Georgia, and I ended up making, like, the oil, the Rose Galore oil, which is like the staple product of my brand. I don't know what made me make it, but I did, and it literally cleared my face up," she tells xoNecole in an exclusive interview.
"I end up selling it as a body oil first because, obviously, I'm 17, [and] don't have any background as an esthetician or anything like that. I just made a product that worked for me, but people bought it and was using it, and I reformulated it, and then it just stuck like with me."
While MoonXCosmetics is known for its facial products, it wants to expand to body care and home. It just released its new product, Moon-Gel body wash, and it's only up from there. As Mariee continues to grow the brand, it's more than likely that she will see more history-making moments. And so far she has.
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When asked if she feels pressure to obtain more of those milestones, she says yes and no. "I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more," she says.
"I want to say more reach than more like fast-paced sales. I do want that. Obviously, every girl wants that, but I do want to have a better overall reach for my brand because I did take two years off so I was able to learn, [and] study a lot of different things. See how things have changed from 2020 to now."
"I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more."
Another part of expanding for any company is hiring people. Finding the right person to help you can be a hassle, especially for business owners who are used to doing all the work themselves. Mariee can relate to this, and she touched on this topic in her documentaryThe Million Dollar Story. She recommends having someone be your "right-hand man" who you trust to handle the ins and outs of the company.
"I could say, definitely get, like a right-hand man to help you within the process because that really was what helped me. I never had a job. I literally was 18 now, being like, you know, the boss of over 30+ employees at one point in time, and I didn't know anything. I didn't know anything about no W-2s, no taxes, no clock in, clock out because all I [have] ever known was my brand," she explains.
"So I definitely partner with people who are very skewed and versed in those areas, and they helped me get through it. Even to this day, I still have my same person helping me with hiring, firing, [and] doing everything that I can right now because I'm still learning. But obviously people get jobs young, so they have way more experience than me, but still learning."
And though she is still learning, one thing she makes sure to stay on top of is being consistent. Consistency is what trips many people up when it comes to achieving goals, but Mariee says it's all about scheduling. Whether it's when to post on social media or email marketing, scheduling it out can make a world of difference. That same practice also works when planning out her future goals for the company.
"Right now, future goals would be to drop at least five more products before the end of the year. We always do outreach, where we do drives and all that, but definitely do way more this year, she says. "Then really dive into body [care], and then hopefully open up MoonXBody underneath MoonXCosmetics to let that branch out and be open and definitely get back consistent."
For more information, visit moonxco.com.
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