This Will Keep Your Family Off Of Your LAST Nerve This Holiday Season
Chile. This. Right. Here. Listen, if you're someone who is counting the days until Thanksgiving and/or Christmas because you come from a totally functional family that never disagrees and totally enjoys being up under each other 24/7, first off, let me say a big ole' kudos to you. No, really. That is absolutely beautiful—and amazing. But with articles out in cyberspace like "Why Families Fight During Holidays", "Average Couples Will Fight Seven Times Before Holiday End" and "So THAT'S Why Families Fight So Much at Christmas! Strict Schedules and Cramped Conditions Cause 'Hypercopresence'", I already know that there are others who are watching the movie Soul Food on loop, in hopes that their family will be able to sit around the dinner table in peace or, they're considering going on a prayer fast in order to maintain their sanity.
Family is a funny thing; not always in a "ha ha" kind of way either. But as they say, "You can't choose your family." You also can't make grandma not ask you for the billionth time when you're going to get married or have kids, your auntie from saying something slick about your weight or sense of style, or the men in the house from trying to hog the remote. Not to mention all of the dishes that constantly need to be washed, the limited bed space, and the folks whose personalities change more and more with every cup of eggnog. Lawd.
As you're trying to get your spirit right as you head to your parents' house or you prepare to host at your own place this year, cut yourself some slack. If there is a part of you that isn't 100 percent thrilled, that's OK. You're human (plus, studies reveal that it takes the average American only four hours before they need to take a break from extended family visits). But if, at the same time, you want to exude peace, joy and goodwill as much as possible for your sake and the sake of those who will be around you, here's hoping that the following tips can bring a few miracles into your family space this holiday season.
“Time” Your Time
I'm an ambivert which kind of breaks down into being perceived as being an extrovert when actually I am more of an introvert. And this is how much of an introvert that I am. A few years ago, Nashville got some for real, for real snow (which doesn't happen a ton). Two days in, some out of town people called to check on me and get this—I had no idea that the snowstorm even happened. Right. I hadn't even gone outside in like three days. Didn't look out of the windows either. That is how much I like my spot. And since I enjoy solitude too, the rare times when people do stay over here, I've got a five-day threshold rule. During those five days, I will cook for you, take you wherever you want to go—basically be on-call. But after those five days are up, you've got…to…go. No apologies either. I know me. This means that I know what my limits are as well.
Sometimes, folks feel like they are going to lose it around the holidays because they stay with someone longer than they can mentally or emotionally handle, or they allow others to semi-wear out their welcome. If this Thanksgiving, all you can endure is Thursday thru Saturday, hey—it is what it is. Better to know what you are able to endure and everything go smoothly than to push past your limits and all hell break loose. For real, doe.
Deactivate Your Triggers
If there is one thing that 2019 has taught me, it's how to get up close and personal with my triggers so that I can better learn how to deactivate them; especially when I'm around "trigger pushers"—or when it comes to certain family members of mine, trigger stompers. If there is a part of you that wonders why you are generally a pretty chill individual, but then, when a certain cousin walks through the door or your stepmother mumbles something under her breath, you are ready to leap over the table, they could be triggering you, perhaps without you even knowing it. And since a lot of triggers stem from our childhood, that would actually make a lot of sense. Over the holidays, sometimes we're reliving things that aren't the best memories, experiences or even people on the planet; it makes us vulnerable and that can make us irritable.
You can't change your cousin or your stepmom. All you can do is control yourself. But something that can give you a real leg up on avoiding any potential drama is if you spend some time figuring out what your triggers are, who pushes them, and things that you can do to "woosah" through them instead of poppin' off at every turn.
Avoiding “Romanticizing” Toxicity
Some people in my family are toxic. Simple as that. They are so toxic, in fact, that they inspired me to write "Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members". A particular relative who comes to mind is constantly bitter with a side of manipulative and controlling. For years, before I would see this individual, I would tell myself that this time was going to be different; that although the only thing that they had shown was how consistently negative they could be, somehow it wasn't going to be like that that year. Then, I would walk in their door, they'd immediate start whining about their life and then try and get me to do everything for them the entire visit, only for me to find myself all bent out of shape because I was disappointed. Again.
Y'all, this is what I call "romanticizing toxicity". Did you know that one definition of romantic is "fanciful; impractical; unrealistic"? And yes, when you're around people who are constantly showing how toxic they are, it's impractical and unrealistic to think that after years of them being this way, they are supernaturally going to be any different.
For toxic people, it has to be an act of God for anything to change. Until that happens, don't set yourself up for being let down by putting your heart in harm's way of toxic individuals. Set boundaries. Stand firmly in them. That should help you to navigate through their slick words and strange energy.
If There’s Not Enough Room…Get a Room
I've got a girlfriend whose husband's side of the family is cray-cray. So crazy that she and I discuss often that if she had really understood the depths of the dysfunction of his bloodline, it probably would've resulted in them remaining friends instead of getting married at all. And who is she gearing up to host this holiday season? Yep…you guessed it. Not for 48 hours either. It's for an entire week and some change. When I asked her how she was going to maintain her composure with all of that traffic, she said, "Girl, this wouldn't be happening at our other house. Luckily, we've got enough room at this one."
Her in-law dynamic is actually what inspired this particular tip because it reminded me that sometimes the holidays are hard simply because we need more space—both physically as well as emotionally. Space to catch our breath and our thoughts. A place to go where we won't have little people constantly crawling all over us or our great-uncle telling us the same five tired jokes for the tenth year in a row.
If you're headed to a relative's place and, when you ask about the sleeping arrangements they say something along the lines of, "Girl, there are enough couches and plenty of floor space", if that makes you already hyperventilate, it's OK if you want to get a hotel room or rent an Airbnb. I'm willing to bet that your family won't agree with me but, that's another thing that you've got to remember about going home for the holidays—you're not in high school or college anymore. You're an adult so, it's not about what they won't let you do; it's about you doing what you know is best. And sometimes, the best way to "respect your elders" is to give everyone some space. Starting with yourself.
Don’t Constantly Be at Home
Speaking of space, if you're going to your parents' place for the holidays and that happens to be where you grew up, this means that you know how to get around, right? No one said that going home meant that you had to sit in the kitchen and shuck peas or clean collards the entire time. Go to a movie. Meet up with some old friends. Plan ahead to be out of the house a little bit while you're there.
And what if you are the one who is hosting? My advice is to not feel the least bit guilty about scheduling a mani/pedi one day or "conveniently forgetting" some stuff at the grocery store that you need to run out and get a couple of times (several if necessary). Sometimes, just an hour of being in your car alone and listening to Donny Hathaway's "This Christmas" or strolling a couple of laps in a mall can rejuvenate you in ways you wouldn't even imagine.
If It’s Your House, Remember IT IS YOUR HOUSE
Something else that I think can be a challenge when it comes to dealing with relatives is everyone learning what it means to respect each other. In fact, something that I referenced in the toxic family article that I mentioned earlier is while a lot of our elders are quick to want to recite "Honor your father and mother" (Exodus 20:12), they somehow seem to have really selective memory when it comes to two Scriptures that say children shouldn't be provoked to wrath (Ephesians 6:4) or provoked to the point of becoming discouraged (Colossians 3:21).
Three points here. One, you are no longer a child. Therefore, you are well within your rights to expect to not be treated like one. Wanting to be treated like an adult is not "disrespectful"; elders trying to treat you like you're not one is. Point two—provoke means "to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex". If someone is doing that to you, feel free to share the chapter and verse in the Good Book where all are instructed not to do this. And three, if you're hosting—your house, your rules.
Now, I'm not saying that if you've got no problem chillin' with a blunt and some bourbon that you need to puff-puff-pass in front of granddad or if you know your father lives for football that he should be made to watch The Best Man Holiday on loop. But what I am saying is you are the one who is paying the mortgage (or rent), so if anyone shouldn't feel like they need to walk on eggshells, that should be you. If there are house rules, share them. If folks are breaking them—even if it comes to disrespecting you and your feelings—enforce them. They would do it at their place. Trust me.
Choose Your Battles
A wise person once said, "You only have so much emotional energy each day. Don't fight battles that don't matter." Amen and amen. The relative who always has to have to have the last word? Maybe let them. The relative who always likes to tell the embarrassing story of what you did when you were 10? The sooner they tell it and laugh like they never said it before, the sooner everyone can move on. If your mom has a billion questions about the new guy you're seeing and you already know she's going to be hyper-critical—decide what to share, what to keep to yourself and leave it at that. Out of all of the stuff that I shared, I personally believe that family time can be stressful over the holiday season because we don't master the art of choosing our battles before we see everyone.
Abuse is one thing. Never tolerate that. But when it comes to the basically inconsequential stuff? Remember, even if it feels like a year, the visit is only going to be a few days. Accept folks for who they are, focus on making as many great memories as possible, and pre-plan a way to pamper yourself when it's all over. If you do these things, you should survive this holiday season, even when it comes to dealing with the relatives who always seem to want to tap dance on your very last nerve. In short, Mazel Tov. It's Hebrew for "good destiny". I'm sending plenty of that your way, so that you'll get through the holidays with tranquility and a smile. Happy Holidays, sis.
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Did you know that xoNecole has a new podcast? Join founder Necole Kane, and co-hosts Sheriden Chanel and Amer Woods, for conversations over cocktails each and every week by subscribing to xoNecole Happy Hour podcast on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
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- Avoiding Family Drama - YouTube ›
- Avoiding family drama during the holidays | Family Institute ›
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I Tried Uche Natori's Full Glam Routine & It Leveled Up My Everyday Makeup Look
Mastering a full glam is a work of art. I’ve always watched in awe at the glam girls who truly knew what it meant to bring a face together. One of those women is Uche Natori. Her full glam makeup looks have caught the eyes of thousands across her social platforms. She is a master at providing easy, fun, and fabulous looks. Watching Natori’s makeup tutorials has inspired me to do the unthinkable - trying to master a full glam makeup look for the first time.
One thing about me is that I am a natural makeup girl. I enjoy using concealer on my needed areas, with a bit of blush and mascara to seal the deal. The “no makeup makeup” look has helped me feel my best for many years, and truthfully, I never learned how to do much else. I don’t know how to put on lashes or what it takes to master a good contour. The only thing I have learned in the beauty world is how to make my makeup look like my skin. Although I’m proud of my accomplishments, I think it’s time to build my skills and try to keep up with the “girls.”
A Trip To Sephora
After binge-watching Natori’s videos, I learned early on that I didn’t own most of the items she used. I made my way to my local Sephora to purchase the following: cream contour, powder, foundation, brown lip gloss, neutral blush, and refresh my concealer. Most of these beauty items were familiar due to my past makeup adventures. Powders were more of a learning curve. I typically like my makeup to be dewy and light, so I’ve always avoided using powders. In 2024, I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I had no idea there were different powders for different purposes. The Sephora employee kindly explained to me the difference while I melted internally.
Thankfully, we could navigate a lightweight powder I could use daily without feeling overwhelmed by the product. I continued to bask around Sephora as I selected items from my favorite brands—Fenty, Rare Beauty, Charlotte Tilbury, and more. Once, a confused woman in an overpopulated beauty store slowly turned into a kid in a candy store. It was safe to say I was having a time splurging on “Daddy’s money.” I mean, Daddy xoNecole.
Attempting To Be A Full Glam Girl
Fresh face
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
I made the decision to skip eyeshadow and lashes for my first attempt. I figured it would be better to master the art of good face makeup before moving to more advanced makeup techniques. It’s also important to note that I used Charlotte Tilbury’s Flawless Filter for my base to ensure I didn’t overwhelm my sensitive skin.
These decisions made going for a “full glam” less intimidating and more achievable.
Foundation
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
Foundation finish
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
I prepped the skin before starting and wasted no time going heavy-handed on the Flawless Filter, Fenty Beauty’s Cream Contour, and Dior Concealer—all brands Natori has used in past videos.
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
When applying contour and concealer, I had to rehydrate the skin. I learned very quickly how fast these items can dry on your skin. Natori typically applies a facial spray during her routine to keep her products hydrating, making them easier to blend. My skin welcomed my makeup again once I used the same technique with Milk Makeup’s Hydro Grip Setting Spray.
Concealer
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
Concealer finish
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
Blending began to become seamless, providing the perfect full face that I had always known I could achieve. Once finished, I locked in all my hard work with a traditional Sephora Setting Powder and continued to the next step.
Blush, bronzer, and lip gloss are my best friends. We’ve been going together real bad since my early 20s. Once I made it past securing a good face base, the rest of the makeup routine was familiar. I used NARS Laguna Bronzer to lock in my contour.
Bronzer
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
Blush
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
Adding a powder bronzer into my routine brought my face back to life and enhanced my facial features. To give my skin some radiance, I applied the Rare Beauty Blush In the color "Beige Peach."
Concealer after bronzer and blush
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
I added mascara, eyeshadow, and a lip to complete the look. At the very end, in very Natori fashion, I used one of her signature go-tos, the Patrick Ta Major Glow Balm.
The Results
The finished look
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
I loved how my makeup turned out! I did a good job landing a good face base. A few areas that could be better are my blush and bronzer. I’m used to using a light hand, which makes my blush disappear in seconds. The point of a full-glam is for it to last! Moving forward, I will be fearless when applying blush and bronzer in hopes of longevity.
It’s safe to say Natori’s complete glam makeup looks are achievable for girls looking to step things up. Your inner glam girl goals are on the other side of your makeup brush, so pick your favorite Uche Natori makeup looks and get started!
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Featured image by Celeste Polanco/xoNecole