In xoNecole's Finding Balance, we profile boss women making boss moves in the world and in their respective industries. We talk to them about their business, their life, and most of all, what they do to find balance in their busy lives.
I hate to break it to you, sis, but you've been living a lie.
All these years, you've been taught that big girls don't cry so you've done it in private. You learned that the key to success is to act out of logic, not emotion so you've suppressed them. But Novi Brown of Tyler Perry's Sistas wants you to know that pretending to be unbothered is not only sabotaging your mental health, but it's blocking your bag.
Until my impassioned conversation with the 33-year-old actress, I believed that I was the weak one in my family. As an empath with some serious boundary issues, I can admit that I have let my feelings control my life in the past; but according to Novi, that's not always such a bad thing. She shared, "Ignoring things is what we were taught to do as human beings. And it's the most toxic trait we have. We've learned hide, to not express, to not emote, when honestly, emotions are just giving you information on how to move next."
"Ignoring things is what we were taught to do as human beings. And it's the most toxic trait we have. We've learned hide, to not express, to not emote, when honestly, emotions are just giving you information on how to move next."
Novi, who interprets her emotions as messages from God, explained that this pattern of internalized self-sabotage is more than a fleeting feeling, issa generational curse that needs to be broken expeditiously. She continued, "It's such a complex conversation because we've been taught by the white oppressor, honey. We've been taught how to deal with our emotions by people who don't fuck with us. But us breaking these generational curses means we're moving on from surviving and now we're moving into thriving. So what does thriving really look like [for you]?"
When asked how she stays positive in moments of frustration, Novi simply explained that she doesn't. The actress expressed that as a creative professional who literally thrives on emotion, she holds nothing back when it comes to feeling her feelings. "Baby girl, if I wasn't upset, if I wasn't enraged, if I wasn't sad, then I wouldn't do what I'm doing. If I was not able to cry this morning, I wouldn't be able to go on Sistas and cry. I wouldn't be able to do that shit if I don't do it in my own life." She then asked, "Do you have everything you want? What's the return on investment for not expressing how you actually truly feel? Who are you helping by not being honest today?"
In our conversation, Novi and I talked more about emotional release, spiritual baths, and other self-care practices that keep her all the way in alignment and it wasn't long before our interview turned into a certified soul searching session.
Keep reading for more:
xoNecole: With the pandemic and global protests underway, how are you handling everything?
Novi Brown: I know a lot of people are feeling sad or whatever, but the black community should really feel fucking liberated. We don't have to hide anymore now. It's not cool to be racist. Now, you will not be rewarded for that. Don't you think God stopped everything just so we can get our shit together? Like, don't you? This is probably bigger than we could even imagine. And look at the conversations, Taylor, at 27, that you're having––that parents' parents' parents' parents died never having. I feel fucking free.
"I feel fucking free."
What is a typical day in your life? If no day is quite the same, give me a rundown of a typical work week and what that might consist of.
I love waking up early and then walking my dog, Castor Troy, who is my everything. The reason why I got a dog was obviously a spiritual reason but now that I've grown up and I've seen that what I need is to be outside every day. I need to touch the ground. I need the sun to touch my skin. Being outside and connecting with nature is really, really helpful for me, And then I spend a lot of my time researching and studying astrology. For me, astrology is God's first official language. It's the language of symbols and energy and it's super powerful.
And then for most of the day, I'm studying astrology, I am doing interviews, I am doing auditions. I'm also developing TV shows and then I'm going on with my life, just trying to teach people about self-confidence––specifically black women––encouraging and pouring back into the black female community. So that's how my day looks.
What is your nighttime routine?
I'm a cannabis lover, so that's part of my nighttime routine, as well as having conversations, and doing research. I'm a student of life, so I'm always reading some kind of book. Now that you got me thinking about it, I don't have a nighttime routine. I might need to get one, shit. I'm working myself.
"I need to touch the ground. I need the sun to touch my skin. Being outside and connecting with nature is really, really helpful for me, And then I spend a lot of my time researching and studying astrology. For me, astrology is God's first official language. It's the language of symbols and energy and it's super powerful."
When you have a busy week, what’s the most hectic part of it?
Organizing is really difficult. Like, I'm not writing down my schedule. A lot of people use their planner and all that other shit––I'm really bad at that. I just go day-to-day because I'm a Cancer rising. Some days are more hectic than others, some days aren't. This is essentially my first year in the business like hardcore and I'm trying to forgive myself and just allow myself to be who I am, which is just a person who just moves with vibes and things. I'm not a schedule-oriented person. And I feel like that's OK.
Do you practice any type of self-care? What does that look like for you?
I think the biggest part of my self-care routine is my spiritual work. For me, that is a foundation and a pinnacle, it's something that I can literally build something on top of. However, I love me a massage, now. I love getting my nails done. And I love getting my hair braided. I love sitting in the chair and having my hair braider do my hair. Or even if I want to do my own hairstyles, I love standing in the mirror for seven hours watching documentaries and braiding my hair. I find something really soothing about it and I can turn the whole world off and just really focus on watching what I want to watch and, and doing my hair and beautifying myself.
"So self-care is really me taking care of my body more and making sure that my body feels as good as my mind because of those things don't feel good––both of them––I can't be at full capacity."
I also do spiritual baths. February 2019, I did a spiritual bath for ultimate love and money. I met my man in April and I got a job in July. OK, look, ancestors don't play. They want us to win. We're just not doing what we need to do. We're doing it the human way. We're not doing it the spirit way. And that's why we feel like it takes so long. But if we're spirited, I'm telling you, your life will change very fast.
How do you find balance with:
Love/Relationships?
I'm very lucky right now because my partner does the same thing that I do. We're in the same business and really understand each other. So I'll be gone for a few months, he'll be gone for a few months and that's our relationship and we respect each other. I really feel like the number one thing is respect in a relationship and understanding that person you're with has their own purpose that is contracted between them and God. It has nothing to do with you. So sometimes we have to get out of our own way when it comes to relationships. I'm just very, very, very, very, very blessed in my partnership to have somebody who's in my field who sees me as an individual who sees me as a person here to fulfill a purpose and he gets to enjoy my company. That's how he sees it.
"I really feel like the number one thing is respect in a relationship and understanding that person you're with has their own purpose that is contracted between them and God. It has nothing to do with you. So sometimes we have to get out of our own way when it comes to relationships. I'm just very, very, very, very, very blessed in my partnership to have somebody who's in my field who sees me as an individual who sees me as a person here to fulfill a purpose and he gets to enjoy my company. That's how he sees it."
Friends?
I'm very blessed in my friendships. I've come to realize now, after my full first year [in the industry], my friends haven't changed at all. It's really just about getting a tribe who understands you and who understands your purpose will understand how you move in life and your methods. They mean everything to me. I want to see them succeed, but they are also very well aware that, OK, she's in this position now she has to make moves so that she can succeed. And then by default, they will succeed.
Exercise?
Honestly, I'm just glad I'm vegan. That helps me a lot by default. I makes sure I eat salad every day. But exercise, I mean, you just gotta be in the mood, shit. You just gotta be in the mood to want to work on your body. And lately, I have not been in the mood. For the last two years, I have not been in the mood to consistently work out. However, because I have a dog, I'm out every single day for hours. And sometimes in my life, I'm a little thicker and I got a FUPA and it's all good. And sometimes in life, I'm a little slimmer. So it's all good, man. It's all good. I'm not trying to stress myself. But I do say you have to move your body every day.
Do you find yourself cooking or eating out more?
When I first became vegan, I was cooking all the time, but I worked in restaurants for so long. I'm a bougie restaurant chick. Like I love being in a good, cute spot with food being delivered. I feel like people should just get paychecks to eat. I love to cook as well, but it is a lot of work. And it's not a passion of mine. It's just something I'm good at. I guess maybe I feel like I'm giving out so much all the time that the restaurant experience, I just feel like I'm receiving. So that's why I really enjoy going out.
When do you feel the most beautiful?
I feel the most beautiful in the morning, right when I wake up because I'm new and fresh and I'm not painted. I'm not dated. And I feel like I'm mad cute in the morning. I feel like our skin looks really good. Like the skin is nice and the lips might be a little more juicy and puffed up. Your stomach is flatter cause you done digested stuff. So yeah, I love the mornings. All that other stuff is great, but that takes a lot of energy. I like who I am when I wake up.
"I feel the most beautiful in the morning, right when I wake up because I'm new and fresh and I'm not painted. I'm not dated... All that other stuff is great, but that takes a lot of energy. I like who I am when I wake up."
When you are going through a bout of uncertainty, or feeling stuck, how do you handle it?
I have to talk to my friends. I have to talk to somebody outside of my own mind so I could see things more clearly. I go through my emotions. I contact my friends. It's really important for me to get feedback from somebody else, to get another mind, because remember, again, that's God's child. And they might have a message for you that God is trying to tell you, but you're so busy trying not to tell anybody that you miss the message. I have people that I trust enough where I can tell them almost everything. And if I can't get anybody, because sometimes people are not available, I will go ahead and seek out a podcast. I will go ahead and seek out a YouTube video. I will seek out a story of an underdog just to remind you that people will sleep on you––that's just part of the game, but you have to be strong enough to talk yourself out of it like, 'OK girl, you ain't the only one.' This is part of the journey.
For more of Novi, follow her on Instagram @NoviBrown!
Featured image via Tyler Perry Studios/BET
RELATED
What do I personally think about cuffing season? I think it’s more than a notion and you should proceed with caution. As far as the subset of it that is known as winter coating, though — well, as you’re about to see, if you’re going to try to take it on, you absolutely need to know what you are getting yourself into because if you lie to yourself, it may not exactly give you the results that you were looking for.
Read on to see what I mean by that…
What Is the Science Behind Cuffing Season?
GiphyOkay, so first let’s get into if cuffing season is a “real thing” or not. Well, from what I’ve read and researched, apparently, someone should send an artist by the name of Musa Murchison a Cash App because, although she isn’t the originator of the phrase, she does seem to be the one who made it popular by shouting it out back in 2008 on her campus radio show. And yes, beyond the term being something that comes up on social media, like clockwork, right around this time every year, there does seem to be some real science behind it all — even if you want to chalk what I’m about to say up to being nothing more than mere coincidence.
What do I mean specifically? Well, being that cuffing season is (generally) all about finding someone to boo/bae up with before the weather drops below freezing, only to potentially break up with said-person once the temperatures start to rise again — did you know that dating apps tend to pick up on traffic between October and December (although the most popular dating app day is Dating Sunday which is in January)?
Did you also know that dating, in general, tends to happen the most between November and February? And, if you do decide to take what I just said seriously, it also shouldn’t surprise you that most children (in the US) are conceived during the fall and winter seasons as well. So yeah, at the very least, it does seem like people want to get “closer than close” the colder it gets outdoors.
And exactly why is that? Chile, you can read an article that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “Did You Know Fall & Winter Are The Best Times To Have Sex?” to put two and two together on that tip.
Cooler (and even rainier) weather. Pumpkins (which are a bona fide aphrodisiac; especially for men) being in abundance. Being indoors more often. The romance of the holiday season. Shifts in our DNA making us hornier (not to mention the fact that men find women more attractive during the colder months — no joke). All of these things literally help to create the perfect storm as far as cuffing season is concerned.
8 Interesting Straight-Up Facts About Cuffing Season
GiphyI’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned in one of these articles on here before that a web series I enjoyed watching last year is called Cuddle Season. You can currently watch it on — yep, you guessed it — Tubi; it’s all about some not-so-slim fellas adoring what the cooler weather brings them as far as female company is concerned. LOL. As I thought about it and all of the other intel that I just provided, I decided to further solidify the impact that cuffing season provides by bullet pointing a few other semi-fascinating facts.
1. 1 in 3 individuals find cuffing season to be a real phenomenon, although more millennials are caught up in the hype than those who are older than they are (by the way, 54 percent of Gen Zers find the holiday season to be the perfect time for finding a potential partner too).
2. Although around 30 percent of individuals think that cuffing season is mostly about staying warm, about 45 percent think it’s more about avoiding loneliness.
3. 60 percent of people who tend to feel lonely during the fall and winter will rely on dating apps to bring about some sort of mental and emotional relief.
4. Getting “cuffed up” has actually been proven to reduce anxiety and stress.
5. Not everyone thinks that cuffing season is (potentially) selfish or shallow. In fact, the most engagements transpire between November and January.
6. Know all of those holiday movies where single people fake being in a relationship during the holiday season in order to avoid any pressure from family members and friends? Apparently, it’s art imitating real life because one popular study revealed that a whopping 40 percent of singles have asked a friend to pretend to be their date during the holiday season.
7. Testosterone levels are higher in men during cooler months while being lower in hotter seasons. Women’s eggs are apparently in optimal condition during the fall and wintertime too.
8. Some researchers actually finding “cuffing” to be a means of literal survival due to the fact that (affectionate) touch lowers stress and, since stress is attached to health-related issues like digestive issues, a lower libido, irregular cycles, heart disease, headaches, depression and shortened longevity — well, yes, cuffing season could potentially be a lifesaver.
Okay, So What Is Winter Coating All About?
GiphyAight, so now that you know more about cuffing season than you possibly ever thought that you would, what in the world does the dating term “winter coating” come from? Well, the long-short of it is…what some of y’all call “spinning the block?” How I oftentimes see it is “hitting a cul-de-sac.” LOL. Yes chile, if you decide to participate in winter coating activities during cuffing season, what you’re essentially doing is making the intentional decision to either reach out to an ex or — respond to one who decides to call, text, DM or email you, seemingly out of the blue.
Now the interesting thing about winter coating is it’s not really something that dating experts are thrilled about. One reason is because if someone is in your past, you’ve got to remember that it got to that point for a purpose. Another issue is because, well, why did you/they wait until cuffing season to try and reach out/rekindle something?
Usually, the motive for that is because, oftentimes, the combination of nostalgia mixed with the feeling that love bombing is easier to do on an ex than anyone else. And while that indeed may be true, does that sound healthy and long-term beneficial to you? Yeah, me neither.
Yeah honestly, when you really stop to think about it, winter coating seems a lot like what we do with our actually winter gear — we cram it somewhere where we don’t have to deal with it until it gets cold outside and then we pull it out from a closet, hope chest or under our bed to use it all (and up) for a couple of months — until we don’t need it anymore…and then we discard it all over again. SMDH.
So, if you’re someone who is an avid fan or big-time participant of cuffing season, before you decide to bring winter coating into the mix, really ponder if it’s a good idea or wise decision — because doing something that keeps you warm for a few weeks only for it to turn you cold afterwards…that typically turns out to be more counterproductive than anything else.
5 Tips for Guarding Your Heart (and Perhaps Genitalia) During Cuffing Season
GiphyMatter of fact, while we’re on the topic of cuffing season overall, let me share a few tips to keep you as unscathed as possible, period:
1. To thine own self be true. It’s a French philosopher by the name of Jean de La Bruyère who once said, “It's motive alone which gives character to the actions of men.” You know, the reason why a lot of people trip their own selves up in life is because they aren’t being honest with themselves about WHY they do the things that they do. That said, if you’re going into cuffing season just to have someone to cuddle up and watch Hallmark movies with until spring — have at it.
However, if you’re using cuffing season in hopes of getting something more out of it, SAY THAT. The more honest you are with yourself about your intentions, the less disappointed, disillusioned or hurt you will be…regardless of how things may play out in the end. You were genuine. Karma has taken note.
2. Think about your short and long-term (relational) goals. Let’s be real — for most people, cuffing season is a short-term goal. So, if you want something that is fleeting, do you. On the other hand, if you’re looking for something more meaningful, playing all of the games that come with cuffing season is not going to be your best bet — especially when it comes to the whole winter coating thing.
Yeah, please keep that in mind as you and your ex are taking a walk down memory lane because, more times than not? It’s probably going to lead to (another) dead end. If not immediately…eventually. Bottom line with this one: cuffing season only thinks about the present. Make sure that you also factor in your future.
3. If he’s your ex, don’t sugarcoat why. I’m not the person who thinks that an ex can’t be upcycled — just make sure that you aren’t merely recycling him. The difference? Recycling is using something old (or used) all over again. Upcycling is taking something old (or used) and making it better. That said, sometimes time gives people the opportunity to grow and that can make the “take two” of a relationship better.
Just make sure that if you are entertaining getting back with an ex that you are real with yourself about why the relationship ended to begin with. If you see signs of that mess/drama/ridiculousness still hovering around — cuffing season or not, you should probably take a pass. Why let him infiltrate your holiday season with some bullshishery that you will carry with you for years to come? Girl, uh-uh.
4. DO NOT follow your heart. If you’ve read enough of my relational content, you know that I can’t stand the motto, “Follow your heart”. The fact that it’s not biblical should be reason enough — and it’s not because Jeremiah 17:9-10 says that the heart is deceitful and that’s because emotions can indeed cause you to think/believe that something is one way when it may indeed be something else. And so, as you go into cuffing season this year, follow facts and reality.
That is biblical too: “It’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.” (Ecclesiastes 7:18 — Message) In other words, if how you feel is conflicting with what you see — pause, ponder and reflect.
5. Avoid peer (and social media) pressure as best you can. I don’t even know if people would give a damn (at least so much) about cuffing season if social media didn’t talk about it so much. And don’t even get me started on just like peer pressure can get kids and teens to go against their core values and/or participate in risky behavior, it can impact adults in a similar fashion.
Bottom line with this point: Don’t engage in cuffing season or winter coating just because you see other people doing it. If your mind, body and spirit are telling you that it’s not what’s best for you — TAP OUT. You’ll be just fine.
____
Winter coating. Hmph.
Your best bet: Buy one to wear and avoid this dating trend.
The former is an investment. Chances are the latter is a complete waste (of time).
Just sayin’.
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Featured image by PeopleImages/Shutterstock