I don't keep nudes on my iPhone to send to potential suitors. I once went out with my mom to a nightclub and criticized her for being too flirtatious. My nickname in high school was "Prissy Chrissy," and the one mortifying time I tried to take seductive photos for a boyfriend, I had to have them printed at CVS.
I'm not a sexual woman.
Much of my discomfort with being sexual lies in the fact that when I was 11 years old, I wore a C-cup bra. My classmates (and even one of my teachers) would comment that my outfits exposed my curves, even when I wore the same outfits as other pre-teens. I've always been very confident academically… and I've always feared strangers won't look past my body to see my intelligence.
The other blatant factor is that I'm a Black woman, and like many Black girls, I was subjected to sexualization. I hated that just because of my body, I was held to a different standard and misunderstood. But that didn't make me hate those who sexualized me; instead, it made me hate my body. Hate me. I spent over 20 years of my life trying to be smaller, prettier, and more reserved.
I never thought at 34 years old, a direct message from a photo therapist would emancipate my sexuality.
Amber Gillian/Courtesy of Christine Michel Carter
Amber Gillian is a Black mother of three who contacted me after reading my book, MOM AF. Amber shared that she, too, believed in the empowerment of mothers and asked me if I'd ever done a phototherapy shoot. "Hell no," I replied, "But I do therapy regularly!" I joked.
Amber proceeded to educate me on what she called photo therapy. As a photographer and licensed mental health therapist, Amber provided mothers - especially Black moms - with an immersive experience, hearing their challenges, and then capturing their truth through the camera. She was drawn to it after finding her life as a woman was overshadowed by the responsibilities of being a caretaker.
"Black women rarely have the opportunity to be sexual, and when we do, we're oversexualized. We're either given a choice to talk about our 'WAP' or be complete virgins," Amber added.
She'd gotten my attention as (even though I was a mother of two) I'd been emotionally behaving like the latter all my life. So even though I was fearful, I booked it. I knew I needed to come out of my shell, so I agreed to a session. I thought I'd take a few photos in a button-down shirt and never show them to a soul.
Amber Gillian/Courtesy of Christine Michel Carter
What I didn't expect was for the session to be rooted as equally in therapy as it was in photography. Before Amber even touched the camera, we discussed what the definition of the word sexy was for me, my experiences with capturing my sexuality in the past, even my labor and delivery experiences. She told me about the types of mothers she'd worked with- some were undergoing IVF, had postpartum depression and perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, and were even battling the grief of infertility.
She provided a personal makeup artist, Logan, that aligned with my aesthetic, made sure my favorite snacks and drinks were available to me, and frequently asked if I needed breaks. I admitted that before the photoshoot for a week, I starved myself, juicing and eating salads to appear smaller for the camera.
At that moment, I had my first breakthrough with Amber: I equated starving my body to starving my children, which I would NEVER do.
Yet here I was, doing it to myself under the guise of beauty. For a "greater good." I realized I was living in the "greater good" already - I had a body that had produced two children, run 5Ks, and beat high cholesterol.
We talked about the partner's role in a woman's sexuality, and as it turns out, it's relatively small. Perhaps even nonexistent. I learned from Amber that a man shouldn't validate my sexuality, just as they don't validate my intelligence or ability to nurture. In fact, Amber didn't bring up or discuss men at all until I brought them into the conversation.
Amber Gillian/Courtesy of Christine Michel Carter
Amber also told me why women should turn to female photo therapists to uncover their sexuality over male boudoir photographers. She once had a client who booked an appointment with a male photographer who required her to send nudes before he photographed her. Amber told the client she'd heard that before about male photographers, but that practice was unacceptable.
I started the photography portion of the session asking for privacy to change into the lingerie; by the end of the session, I was so comfortable I had a complete conversation with Amber in the same room while undressed.
We all hear in the media that women should be more body-positive; I've seen the Instagram models with about 16 ounces of body fat on their stomachs preaching it. But I've never seen myself in them because their bodies didn't look like mine, in complexion and stature. I also didn't fully understand how being body-positive can help a woman tap into her sexual confidence.
It wasn't until my session with Amber that I learned the trick isn't to be like them. It's to respect and honor me.
Christine Michel Carter is the bestselling author of MOM AF. Featured in The New York Times and The Washington Post, she has been called "the voice of millennial moms."
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Featured image courtesy of Christine Michel Carter
Originally published on October 8, 2020
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On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
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Credit: Malcolm Roberson
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Featured image by Malcolm Roberson
Meanwhile, frankincense and myrrh originate from the Middle East and Africa (you know, like the Bible does — some folks need to be reminded of that—eh hem — Trumpers) and ginger? It too helps with indigestion (which can definitely creep up at Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner tables); plus, it’s a key ingredient for ginger snaps and gingerbread houses. So, as you can see, holiday-themed scents have a rhyme and reason to them.
Tying this all in together — several years ago, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry ‘Christmas Sex’?” Well, in the spirit of revisiting some of that content, with a bit of a twist, I decided to broach some traditional holiday scents from the perspective of which ones will do your libido a ton of good from now through New Year’s Eve (check out “Make This Your Best NYE. For Sex. EVER.”).
Are you ready to check some of them out, so that, whether it’s via a candle, a diffuser, some essential oil, or some DIY body cream (check out “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever”), you can bring some extra festive ambiance into your own boudoir? Excellent.
1. Vanilla
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When it comes to holiday desserts, you’re going to be hard-pressed to find recipes that don’t include vanilla — and that alone explains why it is considered to be a traditional holiday scent. As far as your libido goes, vanilla is absolutely considered to be an aphrodisiac — partly because its sweet scent is considered to be very sensual. Some studies even reveal that vanillin (the active ingredient in vanilla) is able to increase sexual arousal and improve erectile dysfunction in men. So, if you adore the smell, here is more incentive to use it.
2. Frankincense
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Although, typically, when people think about frankincense (and myrrh), it’s in the context of the gifts that the wise men brought Christ after he was born; it’s a part of the biblical Christmas story. However, frankincense goes much deeper than that. Sexually, since it has an earthy and spicy scent, some people like to use it to meditate (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”). Also, since it has the ability to put you in a better mood, soothe and soften your skin and maintain your oral health — with the help of frankincense, every touch and kiss can be that much…sexier.
3. Cinnamon
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I already gave cinnamon a shout-out in the intro. Personally, I’ve been a fan of it, in the sex department, for a long time now (check out “12 ‘Sex Condiments’ That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”). When it’s in oil form, it can be very sweet to the taste while sending a warm sensation throughout the body — which is why the giver and receiver of oral sex can benefit from its usage. Beyond that, cinnamon helps to increase blood flow to your genital region, elevate sexual desire and, some studies say that it can even help improve fertility. Beautiful.
4. Peppermint
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If there’s a signature candy for the holiday season, it’s probably a candy cane — which automatically puts peppermint in the running for being an official holiday scent. Pretty much, in any form, it’s got your sex life’s back because it’s hailed as being a sexual stimulant; in part, because its smell is so invigorating. Plus, it helps to (eh hem) ease headaches, it gives you more energy and it can definitely help to freshen your breath. Also, that minty sensation? The same thing that I said about cinnamon can apply to peppermint too (if you catch my drift).
5. Ginger
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Whether it’s in a meal or in your bedroom, ginger is going to produce results that are hella spicy. On the sex tip, science has praised ginger for being able to increase sexual arousal, improve blood circulation (which intensifies orgasms) and strengthen fertility for many years. Scent-wise, I find it to be one that both men and women enjoy because it is both woodsy and sweet. So, if you’ve got some massage oil in mind, adding some ginger is a way to please you both.
6. Pomegranate
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September through December is the time of year when pomegranates are considered to be in season. And, as someone who is a Rosh Hashanah observer, I have a personal adoration for them because I am aware of the various things that they symbolize in Hebrew culture including the fact that they are a fruit that represents love and fertility. So yeah, they would absolutely be an aphrodisiac — one that is perfect for this time of the year. While consuming it helps to boost testosterone levels in both men and women, the floral bittersweet smell that it produces can help to reduce stress while promoting relaxation (like most floral scents do) — and the more relaxed you are, the easier it is to climax.
7. Nutmeg
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Another signature seasoning during the holiday season is nutmeg. It’s perfect in Thanksgiving sweet potato (or pumpkin) pie and Christmas morning French toast. And yes, it can also make your sex life better. If you consume it, it can intensify your libido and, overall, its warm-meets-spicy-meets-sweet smell is so inviting that it is considered to be a pretty seductive scent.
8. Cloves
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I ain’t got not one lie to tell you — if you’ve got a toothache, put some clove oil on that bad boy and send me a Christmas present for putting you on game. Aside from that, as I round all of this out, cloves are another holiday scent that can do wonders for your sex life. For men, it has the ability to significantly increase sexual arousal and improve stamina and endurance. For men and women alike, it also has a reputation for strengthening sexual desire. And for women solely? Well, if you want an all-natural way to increase natural lubrication down below — the scent and and feel (in DILUTED oil form) can make that happen. It can make the holidays especially special…if you know what I mean.
Ah yes — the atmosphere of the holidays and what it can do.
Take it all in! Scent ‘n whatever stimulating that comes with it! #wink
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