“When I meet someone I want to enjoy the moment of connecting with them. If they’re scrambling to get a picture to post on twitter, they’re losing the memory by missing the moment. Real life and social networking are not the same. I’m in a hotel room right now looking out at Central Park. The people out there are living life, playing soccer. Do I want to kick the ball? Or take a picture of it? I want to kick it.”– Queen Latifah
Last summer I had the opportunity to see Miguel in concert. During his performance, he asked the crowd to put down their cell phones and I was one of those people in the crowd snap chatting everything. Looking back, I am grateful he asked us to do so because he delivered an unbelievable live performance that I probably will never forget. He reminded us in that one moment that by mentally checking out of our phones, we will be checking into the present moment.
We all hate to admit it, but the majority of us are addicted to our phones and struggle to hit the power off button. I personally cannot live without mine–it’s by my side 24/7. When it’s not near me, I experience serious F.O.M.O. (fear of missing out). In my mind, I think that I am missing an emergency call or important life-changing email or text. Most of the time, it’s not even the case. If God forbid my phone is about to die, I am running to charge it. I even sleep with it near me since I use it as an alarm. When I wake up, one of the first things I do after I pray is check my missed text messages, emails, and social media feeds.
The obsession to constantly be plugged in is real, especially for millennials. We are either endlessly posting everything we do to show off how cool we are or we are wasting too much time scrolling through our social media feeds looking at what everyone else is doing. We subconsciously compare ourselves to the accomplishments of others based on what they post, forgetting that social media does not fully reflect true reality. Being constantly plugged in causes us to miss out on basking in meaningful and memorable experiences and conversations because we are too busy trying to capture everything on our screens.
One of my personal goals is to live more mindfully. One of the ways I plan to do so is to take a step back from my phone and social media to be more tuned into the present moment and actually enjoy it. I am not talking going completely cold turkey because that is unrealistic, but finding a healthy balance between my phone and real life. To not constantly check my social media feeds and go on routine “digital detoxes.”
A digital detox is when you unplug from your digital devices (phones/tablets/laptops), which can last a minimum of 24 hours to a week, but the amount of time spent on your digital detox is up to you. These detoxes are know to aid in productivity, creativity, and our overall well-being. You can spend that time trying out something new that you always wanted to do, such as a yoga class, reading a new book, or catching up with your girlfriends–anything that gives you a mental break, keeps you grounded, and connected to something other than your phone. There’s a quote by Arianna Huffington that I love that reads,
“To fully experience the world around us, we first have to be able to free ourselves from the distracts that are constantly begging for our attention.”
I get it, unplugging if you’re someone who constantly has their phone in their hand is going to be difficult, but here are four things I have decided to do to help make the process easier.
1. I went old school and bought a real alarm.
I’ve always used the alarm on my iPhone to wake me up, which unintentionally makes it easier for me to check all my missed notifications once I wake up. Now that I am using a real alarm to wake me up, I do not have any excuse to check my social media or emails first thing in the morning. Instead, I will use that time to stretch, read a bit, or meditate before I begin my day.
2. I set aside scheduled time to check my social media
I’ve now decided to use my commute time on the train or an hour after I have come home from work to check my social media feeds.
3. An hour before going to bed, I put my phone on silent and place it far away from my bed.
In her book, What I Know For Sure, Oprah discusses her own routine before bed which consists of not watching TV and staying away from technology. Instead, she uses that time to relax, go over her day, and read. Since Oprah is #goals, I decided to follow that same rule as hers of taking the time before I fall asleep to either reflect, count my blessings, or read instead of endlessly scroll on my phone or watch TV.
4. Twice a month, I go on a 24 hour digital detox.
Out of curiosity, we asked a few people to share how they feel towards their digital devices, social media, and unplugging. Here are a few of their responses:
“I do feel attach to my phone and social media at times. That is why I do not go on social media after 9p.m. or in the morning right when wake up or until I do meditate.” Mima, @Love_mima
“I do feel like I'm a bit addicted to my iPhone but this past year, I learned to go on a social plug for a day or two every once in a while to relax my mind. Sometimes I feel like I have to keep up with everyone's lives and it isn't that deep. In social settings, I normally won't use my phone unless I'm alone. My ex- boyfriend and I had a rule that when we are together and on a date, to focus on each other. He actually taught me to learn how to be less addicted to my phone since he isn't the social media type nor the type to always be on his phone. In the past, I would be on my phone all the time during family gathering for Christmas and other holidays. I was a teenager so I guess I get a pass lol but it was horrible. I cherish that time now more than ever.” - Charmaine, @Charsimmons_
“It is definitely hard to log off of social media. Almost every morning before I even eat or brush my teeth, I am checking the gram, Facebook, and Tumblr. I try to have a nice balance when it comes to social settings. I will be attentive for 80% of the time the other 20% will definitely be me avoiding certain conversation by acting like I have a text/checking Instagram and Snap chatting. So yea, I'm never really 100% present. However, I can manage being 100% present when it's important like at work, on a date, at a wedding etc.” Smangiee, @_Smangiee
“I find it therapeutic to unplug from social media and the nonsense that goes on in these outlets. I learned early on from being out in the field at events and mixers that being too involved in your phone instead of enjoying the moments can hinder the experience and also distract you from soaking in the true value of the time you're spending. Why waste the energy attending if you could have just watched from home, on social media” - Chad, @Chad_Law
Do any of you feel like you cannot live without your phone? Have any of you overcome phone addiction and found a balance ? If so, what are some tips that you can share about how to unplug from technology?
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Things like what exactly? So glad that you asked.
How Serious Is the Relationship?
GiphyOkay, so if you’ve never heard of the “10-date rule” before, it’s basically the belief that after 10 consecutive dates with someone, it’s time to come to the conclusion that you are officially in a relationship with them. Personally, I have lived, observed and counseled enough people to say that when it comes to knowing where you stand with another person, you shouldn’t assume one damn thing — you should 1000 percent communicate your thoughts and listen to theirs in return.
That said, it is a bit different (wouldn’t you say?) if you’ve been out on a couple of dates with someone vs. if you’ve been with them for almost a year. So yeah, the first thing to ponder is how serious the dynamic is. Because honestly, if things are new and fairly casual, I don’t see how ending things, whether it’s the holiday season or not, is going to matter much — one way or another.
Remember, the holidays tend to be a very emotional time; however, if there isn’t a huge emotional investment going on, I don’t think anyone in a casual situation is going to look back and think that you are a villain (or Grinch), just because you’d prefer not to go on a third date with them. Good lord.
Next point.
Do You Want to Slow Down or End Things Entirely?
GiphyAre you totally over him or is it more like there are some things about the situation that you want to step back and ponder before making any major decisions about the future? If the answer is “B,” I recommend talking it over ASAP; especially if the two of you have been seeing each other for a while at this point. I say this because, whether you all are at the “meet the family” (or have already met the family) stage or not, when people are in a relationship, they tend to factor one another into their holiday plans — and it’s hella inconsiderate to not take this into account when it comes to the guy who you are seeing.
That said, I will say this: It’s mighty interesting that you are choosing this time of the year for this type of relational self-reflection — so, while you’re on this break, think about what it symbolizes.
For instance, are you slowing things down right now because you’re not sure if you want to go into a new year with him or are you doing it because spending the holidays together tends to represent that a relationship is far deeper than you want yours to be right now? Because really, you could’ve gone with the summertime (for example) not the holiday season to make this type of move…so, if your “pump the brakes” time is now, chances are, there is some subconscious subtext going on that you really should get to the root of.
Actual Holidays Are a DEFINITE No-No
GiphyYou would think that this wouldn’t need to be said yet since I once experienced a guy who decided to be a complete a*shole on my birthday some years back — yeah, let’s address it. Isn’t it interesting that one study revealed that during the first week of December, searches for how to break-up with someone go up by a whopping 60 percent? Then, if you add to that the fact that the holidays can sometimes be pretty stressful — well, while most folks with a heart and a conscience wouldn’t dream of breaking up with someone on an actual holiday, sometimes the pressure of everything can create the perfect storm for it to happen anyway.
That said, a super-duper throwback song by Neil Sedaka entitled, “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do” — and it absolutely is. Know what makes it worse: It happening on a holiday, so that every time the day rolls around, it’s bittersweet because you remember that someone broke up with you then.
Listen, just because you may not love or even like someone (in that way) anymore, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t treat them with some common decency and respect. Besides, don’t you also want your own Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day to be as unscathed and drama-less as possible?
Whatever you’re gonna do, you’re grown, chile. If you want my advice, though — put good energy into your future holiday seasons and avoid breaking up (or even having deep decisions) on actual holidays.
Definitely Keep the Golden Rule in Mind
GiphyProbably, until the end of time, there are going to be debates about whether karma is real (in the sense of it being scientifically proven). While quite a bit of data says that it isn’t and that it tends to be adapted and promoted by certain faiths more than anything — if you do believe that you reap what you sow (Galatians 6:7-8), at the end of the day, that is pretty much what karma is all about and, as I oftentimes say, karma (or sowing and reaping) don’t have expiration dates. In other words, what you have said and done can manifest in ways and at times that you never saw coming. A cautionary tale, indeed.
So yeah — even if you’ve been with ole’ boy for a while now, you’ve tried to make it work and you just don’t see a future for the two of you anymore, however you decide to end it, definitely keep the golden rule of doing unto others as you would want them to do unto you in mind.
Be as kind as you are honest. Be as empathetic (putting yourself in his shoes) as much as you possibly can. Avoid gaslighting him about how he feels about your decision. Be clear about how you’d like things to be moving forward (for instance, if you actually DON’T want to be friends afterwards, there’s no need to say it). And try not to do anything that will make him feel used — like waiting until after receiving a Christmas gift to end it (you’d be amazed by how many people do exactly that. SMDH).
The thing about break-ups is, live long enough, and you’re probably going to be on the giving and receiving end of one. So, even if you’re not really emotionally invested in your relationship anymore, be kind to your future self and be as respectful as possible throughout your…relational transition. Because even if you don’t feel like he deserves it, your feelings up the road, with someone else who may do the same thing to you…absolutely do.
Timing Is Everything
GiphyA bishop by the name of Fulton J. Sheen once said, “Patience is power. Patience is not an absence of action; rather it is ‘timing’ it waits on the right time to act, for the right principles and in the right way.” And while it might seem really challenging to figure out when the RIGHT time to break up with someone is — “right” is about using good judgment, right is about conforming to certain principles (like integrity and fairness), right is about doing things in order. Now with that in mind, is the RIGHT TIMING now or should it be later?
Only you can really answer that yet what I will say is if your mind, body and spirit aren’t on the same page — figure out why before making any moves. Oh, and if it’s simply about fear — girl, whether it’s November 30, December 9 or January 14…break-ups are always going to be uncomfortable. It’s about knowing what’s best for you and then ending things in a way that is as respectful, timing-wise, as possible (again, due to the whole karma thing).
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‘Tis the season and sometimes “out with the old” means leaving a relationship behind. Just make sure that you move with wisdom and discernment and not hypersensitivity and knee-jerking.
That way, you can look back on every holiday season with as little regret as possible.
Due to how you handled things. Including a (potential) break-up.
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