Last summer I had the opportunity to see Miguel in concert. During his performance, he asked the crowd to put down their cell phones and I was one of those people in the crowd snap chatting everything. Looking back, I am grateful he asked us to do so because he delivered an unbelievable live performance that I probably will never forget. He reminded us in that one moment that by mentally checking out of our phones, we will be checking into the present moment.
We all hate to admit it, but the majority of us are addicted to our phones and struggle to hit the power off button. I personally cannot live without mine–it’s by my side 24/7. When it’s not near me, I experience serious F.O.M.O. (fear of missing out). In my mind, I think that I am missing an emergency call or important life-changing email or text. Most of the time, it’s not even the case. If God forbid my phone is about to die, I am running to charge it. I even sleep with it near me since I use it as an alarm. When I wake up, one of the first things I do after I pray is check my missed text messages, emails, and social media feeds.
The obsession to constantly be plugged in is real, especially for millennials. We are either endlessly posting everything we do to show off how cool we are or we are wasting too much time scrolling through our social media feeds looking at what everyone else is doing. We subconsciously compare ourselves to the accomplishments of others based on what they post, forgetting that social media does not fully reflect true reality. Being constantly plugged in causes us to miss out on basking in meaningful and memorable experiences and conversations because we are too busy trying to capture everything on our screens.
One of my personal goals is to live more mindfully. One of the ways I plan to do so is to take a step back from my phone and social media to be more tuned into the present moment and actually enjoy it. I am not talking going completely cold turkey because that is unrealistic, but finding a healthy balance between my phone and real life. To not constantly check my social media feeds and go on routine “digital detoxes.”
A digital detox is when you unplug from your digital devices (phones/tablets/laptops), which can last a minimum of 24 hours to a week, but the amount of time spent on your digital detox is up to you. These detoxes are know to aid in productivity, creativity, and our overall well-being. You can spend that time trying out something new that you always wanted to do, such as a yoga class, reading a new book, or catching up with your girlfriends–anything that gives you a mental break, keeps you grounded, and connected to something other than your phone. There’s a quote by Arianna Huffington that I love that reads,
“To fully experience the world around us, we first have to be able to free ourselves from the distracts that are constantly begging for our attention.”
I get it, unplugging if you’re someone who constantly has their phone in their hand is going to be difficult, but here are four things I have decided to do to help make the process easier.
1. I went old school and bought a real alarm.
I’ve always used the alarm on my iPhone to wake me up, which unintentionally makes it easier for me to check all my missed notifications once I wake up. Now that I am using a real alarm to wake me up, I do not have any excuse to check my social media or emails first thing in the morning. Instead, I will use that time to stretch, read a bit, or meditate before I begin my day.
2. I set aside scheduled time to check my social media
I’ve now decided to use my commute time on the train or an hour after I have come home from work to check my social media feeds.
3. An hour before going to bed, I put my phone on silent and place it far away from my bed.
In her book, What I Know For Sure, Oprah discusses her own routine before bed which consists of not watching TV and staying away from technology. Instead, she uses that time to relax, go over her day, and read. Since Oprah is #goals, I decided to follow that same rule as hers of taking the time before I fall asleep to either reflect, count my blessings, or read instead of endlessly scroll on my phone or watch TV.
4. Twice a month, I go on a 24 hour digital detox.
Out of curiosity, we asked a few people to share how they feel towards their digital devices, social media, and unplugging. Here are a few of their responses:
“I do feel attach to my phone and social media at times. That is why I do not go on social media after 9p.m. or in the morning right when wake up or until I do meditate.”Mima, @Love_mima
“I do feel like I'm a bit addicted to my iPhone but this past year, I learned to go on a social plug for a day or two every once in a while to relax my mind. Sometimes I feel like I have to keep up with everyone's lives and it isn't that deep. In social settings, I normally won't use my phone unless I'm alone. My ex- boyfriend and I had a rule that when we are together and on a date, to focus on each other. He actually taught me to learn how to be less addicted to my phone since he isn't the social media type nor the type to always be on his phone. In the past, I would be on my phone all the time during family gathering for Christmas and other holidays. I was a teenager so I guess I get a pass lol but it was horrible. I cherish that time now more than ever.” - Charmaine, @Charsimmons_
“It is definitely hard to log off of social media. Almost every morning before I even eat or brush my teeth, I am checking the gram, Facebook, and Tumblr. I try to have a nice balance when it comes to social settings. I will be attentive for 80% of the time the other 20% will definitely be me avoiding certain conversation by acting like I have a text/checking Instagram and Snap chatting. So yea, I'm never really 100% present. However, I can manage being 100% present when it's important like at work, on a date, at a wedding etc.” Smangiee, @_Smangiee
“I find it therapeutic to unplug from social media and the nonsense that goes on in these outlets. I learned early on from being out in the field at events and mixers that being too involved in your phone instead of enjoying the moments can hinder the experience and also distract you from soaking in the true value of the time you're spending. Why waste the energy attending if you could have just watched from home, on social media” - Chad, @Chad_Law
Do any of you feel like you cannot live without your phone? Have any of you overcome phone addiction and found a balance ? If so, what are some tips that you can share about how to unplug from technology?
Yet, as a young adult, reality has taught me that relationships are complicated even more so today due to social media and the strange norms of my generation. At times, I feel as if I was born in the wrong generation. I live in the era of “Netflix and Chill" that counts as a “date" and some people referring to dating someone as “talking." I live in an era where courting seems somewhat extinct. I live in an era of not wanting a title, but still wanting relationship benefits. I personally think the “friends with benefits" concept rarely works out because going with the flow usually leads to one person developing stronger feelings and initiating the, “What are we?" conversation, which then leads to the “I am not ready for a commitment, but I enjoy what we have and still want to chill with you," answer (a.k.a. a #situationship).
I live in a social media obsessed era. I feel as though we're so connected as society due to Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, texting, and constant feeds of what our significant other is doing that it takes away the mystery and “I miss you" factor.
I live in a generation where people are so quick to post photos of their new #bae, #MCE, #WCW and tell the world all about their relationship before they actually let it develop. Then, three months later their posts are deleted and their timeline is full of shady memes about not settling, and knowing their worth.
Some people are so focused on making their relationship look amazing on social media, that they don't do the real work of making it equally amazing in real life.
At times, I wish I could teleport myself to a time where things seemed simpler, where men were more chivalrous, being in love was praised, and R&B was about the beauty of love and sex, instead of #sidechicks and #thesehoesaintloyal.
I honestly feel that some women in my generation settle for things that they do not want in a relationship. I am not a relationship expert and I am far from perfect, but one thing that I have learned in my own personal dating and relationship experiences is that we as women really hold all the power and set the tone for how we want to be treated. I think this is very important for women to hear (especially millennials) - that we must set the standards of how we want to be treated by our partners, and that alone begins with self-love and figuring out what we value. If we all come to realize the power that we have, we could really change the current dating game.
If you're at stage in life where you want to date with no strings attached and have fun- that's cool too. However, if what you crave is a committed relationship, there is no need to settle for a relationship without a commitment. Men know what they want. If a man wants you, he will do whatever it takes.
However, if he tells you he's not ready, believe him. It is your choice to stay and wait or just move on. Ultimately, you are in power of your own happiness and you set the terms of what you want.
What do you think ladies? Has technology and social media killed off the concept of dating? Are we also to partially blame for the lack of effort behind dating and settling, or is "chilling" simply the new "courting"?
We'd love to hear your thoughts!
One thing that I have learned through my personal journey is that my self-love has to do with me and nobody else. Some people, even “friends," who only see the finished product may never know or understand the journey it took to get to a place where I love myself.
A few months ago, a friend of mine who I met through work invited me to come with her on a trip with two of her girlfriends. I was desperately wanting to get away so I jumped at the opportunity. However, three days into the trip, I experienced a rude awakening where I came across a conversation on her phone as I was sending group photos from her phone to my number. My name popped up at the top of the screen from another co-worker (God's intervention) and I found a conversation where she was talking about me behind my back.
As I read the conversation, I felt my 24-year-old body flashback to middle school, a time where I often found myself in the middle of catty situations. Yet, this time I was dealing with a 28- and 31-year-old. Two women I somewhat looked up to at my job and spent happy hours over drinks and talking about life, love, and all in between. Two people I naively trusted and I felt blind-sighted by it all.
In the conversation, I saw a screenshot of a photo that I posted to my Instagram the day before of me in a bikini on the beach and under I saw mean comments like, “Killing me softly." As I continued to read the conversation, I instantly thought to hours earlier when I asked my friend to take a photo of me, she said in a snarky tone, “No, you have enough photos of yourself." I took her response as her sarcasm and did not think twice about it. Yet, at that moment I connected the dots and realized,
“Damn this girl is hating on me or hates the fact that I post selfies of myself? What? Isn't this what Instagram is for? Two, this girl that I consider a friend is smiling in my face, but talking about me behind my back while we're on vacation and sharing a room together!
I felt angry, hurt, and betrayed. At first, I did not want to confront her about it. Yet, I figured that if I didn't say anything, it probably eat me alive, cause me to act resentfully, and ruin my trip so I gathered the courage to pull her aside and tell her everything I saw and ask her what is going on. As I spoke I had to fight back tears because I felt vulnerable and hurt, especially being in another country, which was suppose to be a fun girl's trip. She ended up apologizing and spent the rest of the trip acting really nice to me, which part of me knew she was only acting this way because she had been caught. I don't believe in burning bridges so I decided to remain cordial and respectful, but I knew from then on that I could not trust her and had to distance myself.
Yet, the more I thought about it the situation, the more angry I felt internally. I wanted to scream:
“So what if I take selfies and post my model photos? So what if I think I am cute? Do you know how many years it took for me to get here? How much time it took for myself to look in the mirror and not hate myself. To actually be in this place where I am okay being me. I am happy being me. How dare you! How dare you talk shit about me! You don't know what I been through!"
Honestly she did not. I've spent majority of my childhood feeling insecure, never physically beautiful, or good enough. I was always made fun of for being tall, skinny, lanky and not having any of the features “black girls are suppose to have" (big booty and boobs) as seen on music videos and throughout the media. I had extremely low self esteem and man it took so much internal work for me to be here. To be in a place where I unapologetically love myself within and without. To not compare myself or want to be anyone else.
To understand that another woman's beauty does not take away from my own. At 24, I can honestly say that I love myself inside and out.
Yet, as I dove deeper into my thoughts and pass my ego trip, I heard Don Miguel Ruiz's words from the Four Agreements ring in my head, “Don't take anything personally."
[Tweet "Most of the things that people do to us have nothing to do with us, but more about them."]
Often we forget that most of the things that people do to us have nothing to do with us, but more about them. Your confidence, self-esteem, and happiness may cause other people to feel uncomfortable because they are not happy or confident in themselves. For all I know, my “friend" may be dealing with her own personal issues. Maybe both women are not happy with themselves. Whatever the reasons for their actions towards me, I probably will never know.
Yet nothing they can say or do will ever take away from this light of mine that I have found within myself. I have definitely learned a lesson about being more mindful about who I go on trips with and more importantly, watching who I call my friends, especially outside of my "day-one" circle of true friends.
I thought things between us were fine. We had not gotten into any arguments in months. I thought we were finally vibin’ on the same wavelength; however, two weeks before Christmas I noticed a slight change in him. At first, I thought it was just me, but his cold and distant aura could be felt on the phone or anytime I came near him. He began to drift away from me day by day.
I eventually asked him if everything was alright between us and he reassured me it was, but then on December 31st he hit me with the typical, “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. I was left angry, less at him, but more at myself. I had just spent a year of my life spreading myself thin trying to chase my dreams, juggling a budding modeling career, and also making time for a relationship where I felt like I was putting in way more effort than I felt was being reciprocated.
It is not even as if men ask us to give, we just do it anyway out of love--unconditional love.
I saw the break as two things. First, it was a sign that I was in a relationship where the man I was in love with treated me more like a convenience while inconveniencing me. His inconsistent actions proved it. I realized that I had the choice to either continue to remain in this on-and-off again cycle or painfully let go and move on.
I also saw the breakup on New Year’s Eve as a sign that I should be single for the year. He of course came back trying to make things right, but the damage was already done. I was fed up. I promised myself that in the new year would be the year of me--the year to be selfishly dedicated to myself.
In an interview with New York Times Magazine, Rihanna dished about how she didn't have time for dating because she was fully dedicated to her work:
“Guys need attention. They need that nourishment, that little stroke of the ego that gets them by every now and then. I’ll give it to my family, I’ll give it to my work — but I will not give it to a man right now.’’
And she is right!
It was not until I truly began focusing on myself and what I wanted to accomplish for the year that I realized that being single has been one of the best things to happen to me.
These past 10 months have been one of the best consecutive 10 months of my life.
I have grown.
I have become more independent.
I have found happiness with just being by myself.
I’ve had more career triumphs and opportunities that I have been able to take advantage of.
I even got the chance to travel for work to Paris, and I spent an extra week exploring the city meeting old friends and making new--something that I always dreamed of, but never saw myself doing or probably would have never done if I was still in that relationship.
I feel somewhat disconnected to the girl I used to be 10 months ago, who was more obsessed with her relationship problems versus her own well-being. I feel more in-tune with the young woman I am blossoming to be.
Rihanna said it perfectly. Guys need attention and ego stroking. Relationships in general need a lot of attention to grow and build. Timing is everything. This place that I am in right now in life has taught me that it is okay to be single. Everything happens for a reason.
We need to be single sometimes so that we are solely committed and focused on our work, and goals and being in a happy space in our life before inviting someone to share that happy space with us.
“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit.” ― Eartha Kitt
It’s funny and strange to think that a heartbreak has brought me blessings because it allowed me to refocus myself and dedicate my time and energy to being a happier me.
What are some important lessons being single has taught you in life?
Mirna Valerio defies the stereotype. She is happy, fit, and weighs 250 lbs. As an active runner who is extremely passionate about the sport, she logs 25 miles a week, and if training for a race, 35 miles a week. She also leads three mile group trail runs, is a wife, mom, teacher, cross-country coach, classically trained singer, and an inspiration for runners of all sizes.
“Serious running and being seriously fat just don't go together in people's minds,"Mirna says in an interview with Runner's World, "If I didn't run, I wouldn't draw notice. I'd just be one more obese black woman. And if I were thin, I'd just be one more number at the starting line. But I run a lot, and I'm still fat. Some people can't get their heads around that. They don't think I'm for real, that I've earned the right to call myself a runner. They don't say it out loud; you learn to read it in their eyes."
The 39-year-old has a popular blog that she started in 2011 called Fat Girl Running, in which she writes about her love for the sport, gives tips to motivate other runners, calls out her naysayers that don't believe that someone her size can be happy and fit. She doesn't allow her critics who try to body shame her bring her down. She is a positive and powerful force who uses her platform to encourage others who do not look like the stereotypical norm of what a runner "should look like."
On her blog, she recently clapped back at her critics who feel that her message and her media coverage somehow “promotes obesity." She writes:
“I promote body positivity, fitness, body love. Self-love, body awareness. Human love, human awareness. When I'm out there doing the damn thing, that is the height of my love. Love is not always easy, but love is love. Really, there is enough for everyone, even people who are fat/obese/bigboned/fluffy/chubby/lovehandley/thick/round/pearshaped/appleshaped/heavy.
We know we don't have these so called aspirational bodies, but dammit--I LOVE MY BODY FOR EVERYTHING IT IS and COULD BE. I ASPIRE to whatever my body ASPIRES. My body/our bodies IS/ARE ASPIRATIONAL.
I am making a pledge to myself of love, respect and honor for the sacred space that my body is. It is MY temple. Not yours."
Be who you're, not worried about what it looks like to be a runner, and run because you know it's good for you."
Mirna discovered her love for running in high school and she continued her exercise habits into her adult years, but eventually stopped due to being a mom, wife, and having a busy work schedule that left her little time or energy to exercise.
It was not until 2008 when she received a terrifying wakeup call where she thought she was having a heart attack. In an interview with People, she said, "I was having pains in my chest and was hyperventilating. I had my son in the car and I was very scared. It was a traumatic experience."
Luckily, it was just an anxiety attack, not a heart attack. However, doctors informed her that she had high blood pressure and inflammation. Her cardiologist warned her that if did not make a lifestyle change, she would not live long enough to see her son grow up.
Ever since then she began running and has never stopped. She also has incorporated healthy eating habits. She has lost 40 pounds and no longer suffers from inflammation or high blood pressure. She embraces who she is, accepts her body, and she is happy.
“I know how hard it is for some people to accept me. People have a preconceived idea about the way a fat person is supposed to act. A fat person is supposed to be depressed and lethargic and slow-moving. A fat person is supposed to be diabetic and asthmatic and engage in a lot of self-destructive behavior. I don't act that way or look that way, and so, once they get to know me, people stop seeing me as a fat person."
Mirna is an inspiring women, and she is definitely breaking the stereotype of what it looks like to be a runner and to be fit.
