

Despite being identified as the fastest-growing group of entrepreneurs in the United States, Black women still lack representation in one of the fastest growing and influential sectors of society - technology. One 2018 Kapor Center study reports that Black women account for less than 0.5% of Silicon Valley tech leadership positions and less than 4% of female-led tech startups. How can Black women confidently hold positions in the technology world, use their power as a catalyst to empower communities and fuel the next generation of innovation?
Chicago-based marketing consultant and app entrepreneur Amanda Spann is on a mission to change that narrative.
She's a fierce advocate for helping people of color make their mark in the tech industry - a space that we often count ourselves out of. Through her work, she helps build and brand startups while also helping aspiring and emerging founders bring their technology-focused ideas to life. Her company, Happii, currently consists of three different business verticals: apps, entrepreneurship-focused digital products and ebooks, and consulting services for startups and enterprises. Her new podcast, The Minimal Viable Podcast, provides Blacks founders a platform to talk candidly about their experiences in tech. She also hopes it will be a safe space for listeners to learn about the intersection of technology and entrepreneurship.
xoNecole spoke with Amanda about her journey, challenges many tech entrepreneurs face, tips for thriving as a new entrepreneur, why we need more Black women in tech, and the bigger impact funding technological innovation will have on our communities.
Check out the interview below!
How did you become interested in technology?
I've been in the space for about ten years now. I've always been interested in technology since I was a teenager, but I think there was some apprehension about being involved in the space because I felt like I couldn't be a part of it unless I was coding. As someone who has a nontechnical background, that was an initial barrier of entry for me. I could have gotten into the space a little earlier if I didn't have those insecurities about my skill-set and impostor syndrome looming over my head. The more I learned and researched about the space, I realized there were capacities and opportunities for everyone. There are opportunities to create your own role within the tech space or fill a lot of necessary roles at existing companies.
How did working in public relations help you as an entrepreneur?
Publicists organically are great founders. You tend to have to wear a lot of hats. You become your client's manager, therapist and confidant, in addition to becoming their friend. Likewise when you're running a tech startup or a company, there is always something to do. You can't be hands off with any part of the company even if that is not your sole responsibility. You have to be agile and fluid about your roles and capacity. You have to be able to move in a lot of directions. Being able to learn how to be flexible and malleable to learn from every mistake really set me up to be a startup entrepreneur in the future.
"When you're running a tech startup or a company, there is always something to do. You can't be hands off with any part of the company even if that is not your sole responsibility. You have to be agile and fluid about your roles and capacity."
Why did you decide to become an entrepreneur?
I always had side hustles. At some point, it became faith versus fear for me. I realized as I kept entering back into the corporate space, I wasn't as happy or fulfilled. I felt like I was never going to be able to give as much to these companies as I would my own. It had been tugging on my heart strings and mind for a really long time. It started to feel debilitating that I was haunted by my ideas. At some point, I had to make a choice whether I was going to stink or swim. A big part of that was taking the leap and not looking back. I felt like I was never going to get my products to where I wanted to be if I didn't dedicate myself to it full-time. It's been one of the most difficult yet rewarding experiences of my life.
What's the biggest challenge most entrepreneurs face when starting?
Money. Between running the company and business development, you're getting pulled in a lot of directions. It's hard to work on your business when you're working in it. You have to learn the discipline to balance and allocate time for both.
One thing that I encourage entrepreneurs to do is to start small and scale up. I just had a friend who wanted to open a restaurant. I suggested to start with selling just sauces. That might provide you with the capital to open a brick and mortar business. You don't want to assume too much risk so soon. There's not that much risk associated with buying the time you need at an open kitchen and buying the supplies you need to make the sauce. The returns are good. You can build up the capital as opposed to taking out a loan.
I don't want to discourage people from dreaming big. Keep your long-term dream in mind, but there are a lot of different paths to get there. It doesn't always start with the biggest iteration. You never know where it might take you. You may find yourself on another path.
What are the critical keys to successfully scaling a business?
What we try to encourage most founders in tech when they are building their product is to build a minimal viable product (MVP). This is the leanest, simplest version of your product possible. How do I build the simplest version of this product, get it out to the world and learn as much as I can about my consumers so I can make it better and make more money in the process? You're not going to know everything. You do yourself a disservice if you give all the bells and whistles upfront. What's in your head isn't necessarily a guarantee that people might like it. You eat up a lot of your money by adding features that [are not] always critical at the time of launch.
If you are not embarrassed by the first version of your product, then you did too much or you did it wrong. You're not going to catch everything. You are going to make mistakes and be embarrassed. That's part of the process. You can always improve the product. Take the leap and start. Don't be embarrassed to admit what you don't know. You have to learn to be patient with yourself and know that everything will come in time. Don't beat yourself up every step of the way about getting it perfect because it never will be. It's more important to start, keep going, build, and iterate as you go.
Courtesy of Amanda Spann
What are some of your favorite business resources for tech entrepreneurs?
Use Google! Everything that you're looking for is figure-out-able. You'll be surprised at how many people ask questions and don't take the time to plug it in and search. If you're going to go into tech, Building A Startup is a really helpful book about the process of building a MVP.
User acquisition is a big challenge for tech entrepreneurs. What's your go-to marketing tip for getting customers to know about one's product?
The biggest thing is understanding who your target audience is and narrowing that down. There are a lot of people who build a product and say it's for Black people. Which Black people? Elderly? Millennial moms? Generation Z? Define and hone in on the demographics and psychographics of your target audience, what motivates them to purchase further, where they are living online (and offline), what they are reading and how they get their information. Not enough entrepreneurs are doing the due diligence to figure out who they are really targeting.
How do you get into the tech industry as a non-technical founder?
You have to swallow your fears. Know that you're going to have to operate through fear. Broaden your idea of what it means to be a tech entrepreneur or someone who works in the tech space.There are plenty of opportunities in several roles. Tech companies are businesses just like any other company. They need operations, business management, accounting, etc. A lot of us have those skill-sets. We just need to figure out how to transfer them over to the space.
Open yourself up to networking. A lot of times people are getting these roles because they know the right people or the right people know them. It's easy for us to pull ourselves off solely into Black spaces - which I encourage to some degree. In order to step into this new space, you're going to have to step into new territories you've never gone before. That may make you uncomfortable but you are more confident and capable of being there than you know. People need your skills, ideas, and perspective. They'll never get it if you never take that leap into entering the space.
"You have to swallow your fears. Know that you're going to have to operate through fear... That may make you uncomfortable but you are more confident and capable of being there than you know. People need your skills, ideas, and perspective."
What tech industries are in desperate need of Black voices?
All of them! The cannabis industry needs a lot of ancillary professionals - people who aren't necessarily growing or distributing the products. They need people who are helping them streamline their operational practices...there's a huge opportunity there. Gaming and e-sports is wide open for Black women. Artificial intelligence, augmented reality...there's a great opportunity to learn more about that. Any tech industry overlaps with everything we already do. Use the skills you have currently and figure out how you can apply those and add value to existing tech companies and where they are going. Your expertise is valued and wanted but we have to figure out better ways of making a bridge for ourselves.
People always ask me about how racist the tech industry is. It's definitely racist but it's not always a willful racism. [Tech folks] are consumed with themselves and what they are building. When they need someone to fill a role, they reach out to their network. If you are only in the tech space and don't step outside to other industries and spaces, you will only get people who are like-minded or like you - even if what you ultimately need is outside of that. That cycle happens again and again. Because they have so much money and resources, it isn't always second nature to step outside. As the landscape of this country changes and we become more involved in the tech space, there will be an even greater demand and it will require white entrepreneurs and executives to look outside their spaces and be proactive and thoughtful about seeking out Black and Brown talent.
What are the biggest challenges that women of color in tech encounter?
We often pursue ideas that we believe should exist, but we don't necessarily think of them in terms of businesses. I see a lot of Black women creating service-oriented businesses or a product that is difficult to scale. We have to think about our ideas in terms of how we can monetize them and not just in terms of bringing them to life. We need to think of a business in terms of "How can I build or provide something that is so valuable and solves such a big problem that they will actually pay for it?"
[The reason] why you don't see as any Black women tech entrepreneurs is not because we're not entrepreneurs, it's because we're entrepreneurs in other spaces. So many women are starting skincare, haircare, cleaning, or event planning services. I think it's cultural to some degree. We're passionate and generous givers and tend to be more service-oriented. We've oftentimes put ourselves in position to be the mules of our family and community. We need to be mindful of that in terms of our own self-care and well-being.
This is not to say these can't be tech businesses. We don't think about how we can infuse tech to scale our business, get it to more people and make it more affordable and accessible to people so they can buy and we can make money while we sleep.
More Black women need to be afforded educational opportunities and information on what they can do with technology. It's not even about thinking of yourself as a tech founder, it's about leveraging what is out there to make your business better. A lot of people call me a techie - but I don't call myself one. I solve problems out in the world by way of technology.
What are "innovation deserts" and how do they impact our communities?
If you go into a lot of Black neighborhoods around the country, you will notice a lack of (or limited) type of commerce. I live on the south side of Chicago. We have coffee shops, but when you go across town, you're seeing wi-fi cafes and places where people can build and create - places where people have access to computers and information. As a result of lack of access to information, technology, and innovation - we are falling behind in a lot of industries and falling behind financially. The lack of information is costing us money. There is a Black tax for a lack of information, financial resources and access. Poverty costs.
When people don't have access to information or innovation, our communities stay behind. Other communities are being built up, progressing and attracting new residents, commerce, and jobs. In our communities, all you have is chicken shacks and liquor stores on every corner. [We] deserve more than that. It's important that we support entrepreneurs who want to bring businesses into our communities. Advocate amongst our Congress people and representatives to bring innovation centers to our schools and buildings in our community so that our youth and adult population are better educated on how they can create new jobs and further communities for themselves.
"As a result of lack of access to information, technology, and innovation - we are falling behind in a lot of industries and falling behind financially. The lack of information is costing us money. There is a Black tax for a lack of information, financial resources and access. Poverty costs."
Will creating more innovation centers change the landscape for Black entrepreneurs?
There will be a dynamic shift in our economic and mental empowerment. We are already an amazingly resilient and dynamic people. We have survived and created so much with nothing. Imagine what we could do if we were provided access. Imagine how the landscape of our communities might change if the three most savvy entrepreneurs you know are now afforded money and access to capital. Now those people are economically empowered, secured, can pour into their kids and relatives and create new opportunities for the next generation.
Who are some of your favorite Black woman tech crushes?
I have a soft spot for Myleik Teele being that she was a publicist and is now running a tech-enabled business. I see a lot of parallels in my life with hers. As far as women in the tech space, [I admire] Felicia Hatcher who does so much to ensure that we are included in the conversation and are disrupting innovation deserts around the country. My former business partner Sheena Allen is the youngest Black woman in the country who owns an online bank.
Megan Holston- Alexander is a Black woman venture capitalist who is making sure we have representation out there in Silicon Valley. There are a lot of dynamic woman in the startup scene who are rising quietly and building. It's an exciting time for all of us. Over the next five years, you will see an increase in women taking the reins of their financial and economic future and as tech entrepreneurs.
To learn more about Amanda, her products, consultations, and podcast, visit www.amandaspann.com.
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Rana Campbell is a Princeton University graduate, storyteller, content marketing strategist, and the founder and host of Dreams In Drive - a weekly podcast that teaches you how to take your dreams from PARK to DRIVE. She loves teaching others how to use their life stories to inspire action within oneself and others. Connect with her on Instagram @rainshineluv or @dreamsindrive.
Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
We All Mess Up Sometimes. But Can You Trust A Friend's Apology?
Although what I mostly deal with when it comes to the clients that I have is romantic relationships, there are definitely times when other topics come up. For instance, recently, someone was talking to me about some drama that they were going through with a friend of theirs. Emotionally, they felt like they were in a bit of a bind because while, on one hand, they had been friends with this individual for over 15 years at this point, on the other, there were certain things that they had done, more than once, that were starting to take its toll.
When I asked my client if they had clearly articulated their feelings, concerns, and boundaries to that individual, they admitted that they hadn’t.
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
Sometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
One day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
Now that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
If you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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