How To Deal With Being The Successful One Of The Family
Most of us know someone in the family that is perpetually "robbing Peter to pay Paul" and are the CEO's of hustling somebody for a dollar.
Mary Jane, played by the amazing Gabrielle Union in the BET series Being Mary Jane, found herself in the sunken place of carrying her entire family both emotionally and financially. It seems being a "bawse" and taking care of your family financially is the price you pay for being successful.
While Mary Jane is a fictional character, how many examples do we have of celebrities going broke to pander to the poor spending habits of relatives and friends from 'round da way? This is even more of a relatable scenario if you are the successful exception in your family.
If one person in the family "makes it," the expectation is that they will support everyone. Establishing boundaries are even harder to do if just a few months ago you were living on your mom's couch eating a Cup of Noodles, now if she's asking you to return the favor, how can you say no? A favor can quickly become the go-to bail out plan. Suddenly, you have become your family's walking ATM.
The tough love required to dig yourself out of becoming their personal GoFundMe will require a backbone and these important steps.
You Are Not Their Savior
10 people should not be on your cell phone plan, using your Netflix account, and using your name to cosign a loan. It is not your responsibility to save your entire family from financial distress by becoming the enabler of their poor habits. Your financially stability is not only a necessity but a vitality.
There is an illustration that if a lifeguard is going to save someone they must put on their life vest FIRST before attempting to save the drowning man. This depiction also applies to being the "Great Hope of the Family Finances." You are not a savior, leave that to Jesus. A savior does not require accountability on the part of the person they are saving. They only seek to pull someone out of a poor situation without there being any requirements on the person being saved not to return to the poor situation.
While most of us would love a lump sum of money with no strings attached, our financial successes came with huge sacrifices. You are doing yourself and the sacrifices you've made along the way a disservice by reducing yourself to a check writer.
Bury the Guilt
Repeat after me, "I will owe no one anything but love," (Romans 13:8).
When we talk about debt, we often talk about physical debt in the form of credit cards, loans, bad investments, etc. However, the most crippling debt is emotional. Often, the thing that keeps us from progressing financially is tied to memories that keep us captive. The shame of memories from when we were at our lowest can keep us indebted to our friends and family.
So, to combat the emotional tether, it will require physical action. Pull out pictures or a symbol that reminds you of that time, put them in a box, and bury them. We will not be tethered in our present actions by a past memory. Saying your goals out loud and releasing yourself from being indebted will send you on a path to pursue the financial freedom you are seeking.
Start a Family Fund
If you have a parent or grandparent who have found themselves in a financial hole, I would suggest that you budget an amount monthly that you will contribute to an account. Name the account the "Family Fund."
For example, if you contribute $100.00 a month, then that is the ONLY money that you contribute to that account. Make your designated family member a joint account holder to the account. Then they will receive a debit card that they can use to draw money from the account. Once the money in that account is gone, you are no longer obligated to give any more. The responsibility is then theirs to use it as sparingly or often as they like.
We do not have to sacrifice our own financial stability in order to improve our families. Building generational wealth means that someone has to be the pied piper of the movement and strong enough to break the financial cycles that have kept us crippled. So, the next time fam says, "'Cuz, I'm tryna be a bawse like you."
Smile. Pull out a chair and say, "Great, get your notebook."
Featured image via Being Mary Jane/BET
Danielle Kimberly is a Jersey girl and a health & wholeness educator. Read her humorous & habit forming stories for women of faith on www.luxevoyage.org. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @dannikimberly.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images