A Pregnancy Scare Scared Me Away From You
In the backseat of your car not too long ago, things got a little heated.
I went from indulging you from the passenger seat to laying face down, ass up in the backseat. As you finish, I knew that just as you came, you would also cum to your senses…if you catch my drift. I look out of the window to make sure no cars were coming, open the door, pull my panties up, and my dress down. As I'm adjusting myself, I slowly feel your remains falling out of me. What the hell did I just get myself into? Another moment of after happy hour sex may have just cost me my ass this time. I look at you in despair as you ask me what's wrong, and I casually, yet with much remorse ask, "Did you nut in me?”
That is a moment I will never forget.
The next few days were so frightening. I was feeling scared, my body was extremely tense, and in my mind I was definitely later than expected on my cycle. Not only was my period missing, but so were you.
Usually after sex, I don't hear from you until you're ready to feel me again, but this time was different. See, this time I was actually afraid. Not that you hadn't text me, or checked on me, no. I was afraid that if I was to be pregnant, that you would be the father. That single thought alone ruined me.
See, for years I adjusted.
I adjusted to secretly being the love of your life behind many closed doors and somehow I became okay with it. It had become an identity of mine that I wasn't ready to part with, one that I also had gotten away with without the fear of consequences. Until now. As the thoughts of pregnancy ran through my mind, I began to think of the life my child would have to endure with not only me, the insane mentally unstable person I had become. Or you, the emotionally unavailable, egotistical male that seemed to neglect or run away from anything that came close to making an impact on his heart.
If you couldn't love me, what could you do for a child that you helped create?
It was within those moments of thoughts that I knew I had to let you go. I didn't want a child, and it's not because I didn't want to bring one into the world, but I could allow myself to put another human through the heartache and pain that I allowed for myself for so long. I knew that I wanted the father of my child to be one who respects me and loves me enough to love me in public just as much as he loves me in private. I knew that I wanted the father of my child to be my best friend and my soulmate, and not just one who occasionally touches my soul with strokes other than his ego. It couldn't be you, and I had to assure that.
[Tweet "A pregnancy scare scared me away from you."]
Away from casually loving you, and into deep hiding to where loving myself was only a page away. For so many years I had never been punished for loving you. For so many years, I got away with being filled with everything inside of you, except your heart and it finally caught up to me.
This is an open letter to my former situationship. Like a lot of women, I found myself involved with a man I knew wasn't right for me. I subjected myself to late night/backseat after hours rendezvouses with a man who had no real attachment to me.
I accepted the "love" I thought I was worth, and since I felt like nothing, I was content with him treating me like nothing, using and abusing me, until he came and went and I had nothing left.
I knew I deserved more, but at the time, I didn't love me enough to even open my mouth in an attempt to vocalize those needs.
Although the transition was hard, I can proudly say that it's been a few months since I've let go and allowed myself to recover with this revelation.
Here are ways I used my pregnancy scare to help me regain my self worth:
I looked at the woman I was on the road to becoming.
I wrote down my goals, and looked at the progress I had made mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I began to look at the bad habits (the type of men that I was after) and realized that the men that I had been entertaining didn't add up or bring something greater to what I was already giving myself.
I began to take a deeper look into my mental health.
If you look up the definition of insanity, one of the things that will pop up is doing something that is very foolish or unreasonable. That is exactly what I was doing. And repeatedly. Mentally, I had tricked myself into thinking that it was okay for me to be controlled by my fear of being alone and I allowed a foolish treatment to myself. This made me weaker mentally.
I stopped looking for potential.
The good thing about growth and maturity is that as you get older, you begin to rid yourself of the Disney fairytales of a guy going through hell and high water to get the woman of his dreams back after he allowed the ball to drop. Potential is so powerful when actions are provided with it. No actions were put in place for the situation that I was in, just kind words and temporary gestures. Don't get it twisted, that by itself is not potential. As women, we have to realize we deserve so much more.
[Tweet "Potential only has power when actions are provided with it."]
I know now what I truly deserve, and I've grown so much since then.
Thank God for that pregnancy scare.
Have you ever had an awakening moment in your journey to loving yourself and having self worth? Share with us below!
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Chelsey Cummings is a 24 year old, Texas Southern University student who resides in Houston, Texas. Majoring in Communications with a focus in Print Journalism, with hopes of becoming a published author. Follow her readings on keepingupwithchello.wordpress.com and Instagam: keepingupwithchello.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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6 Spring Events To Boost Your Professional And Social Networks
When spring arrives, we all want to be outside, looking fabulous, and back to socializing. And now is the perfect time to add a few great events to your calendar to get you through the quarter in order to make new friends, build new partnerships, and talk new opportunities to level up.
Spring is a high season for networking and social events for Black women, with many organizations and event entrepreneurs booking prime locations and offering dynamic experiences that you can maximize in whatever way possible. Write down your goals, and get out there. Start with a few of these events between now and the start of summer:
New Orleans Jazz And Heritage Festival, April 23 - May 3
The New Orleans Jazz And Heritage Festival is a 10-day event held over two weekends, bringing together thousands of musicians, craftspeople, and food lovers to share in common threads of culture in the heart of New Orleans. You'll get to enjoy works by artisans local to Louisiana as well as from across the U.S. and around the world.
Black Food Truck Festival, April 26-28
Hosted in Charleston, S.C., the Black Food Truck Festival includes an opening party, access to more than two dozen food truck vendors, and a time to workout with other attendees. Charleston has long been known as a Southern foodie destination, with global recognition due to James Beard-awarded chefs heading popular restaurants there and a renewed focus on Gullah and Geechee culture and food in the region. And what better conversation ice-breaker than to talk about food with a new acquaintance?
Black Women's Mental Health Conference, May 4
Hosted by New York University, this is a one-day event to tackle issues of mental wellness and health that uniquely affect Black women and girls. The keynote speaker for this year is Kim Young, MSW, LCSW, founder of Dope Black Social Worker® and host of the podcast Revolutionary Hoodrat, and leading licensed professionals in the field will offer their insights and share their experiences. And, of course, no college-led event is without time blocked specifically for networking.
Strength of a Woman Festival, May 11-12
Anything with Mary J. Blige headlining or leading is a win, especially if we're talking about women's empowerment and enjoyment. This event will be held in New York City, and beyond the performances from some of our favorites like Muni Long, Jill Scott, and The Clark Sisters, there will be a Gospel Brunch. And even if you're not able to attend or concerts aren't your thing, just being in the city during that time will mean you're bound to run into plenty of other women to network with at local bars and restaurants nearby.
Carefree Black Girl Cookout, May 4
Held in the Queen City, Charlotte, N.C., this is a day festival amplifying the voices and brands of Black women entrepreneurs, artists, and creatives. There will be vendors, glam and beauty bars, and complimentary meals for the first hour (according to the platform's website). They're hosting another cookout in Philadelphia on May 25.
Black Women Leading Live, May 13-16
Touted as an “intimate retreat + conference,” this Virginia Beach, VA event will be held on a resort and is offering a professional development experience led by Laura Knights, founder of the Black Woman Leading® program and podcast. It’s an ideal fit if you’re a mid-level or senior professional, as the topics and approach are set to cater to those levels of career experience, with coaches and speakers pouring into attendees with a holistic approach.
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