Never Say These Things While Giving Out Relationship Advice
As a marriage life coach, I'll admit that it's kind of funny (and ironic) that I'm even broaching this topic. I mean, what I do for a living is give out advice. But I think that's kind of the point. When you're someone who is constantly offering up insights and perspectives, in the hopes that it will benefit other people, you learn, sometimes the hard way, what the right and not-so-right approaches are; especially when it comes to giving out advice that relates to matters of the heart.
I already know. Some of you are probably thinking that there's no real need to read an article like this. The way you see it, so long as people mind their own business, everything will be just fine. You're entitled to your opinion, but I respectfully and totally disagree. Something that all of us battle with is our egos and "wanting what the heart wants". The definition of heart is "center of emotions" and only letting your feelings navigate your choices is a surefire way to end up in some pretty painful, if not flat-out devastating situations—ones that could've been avoided if we had simply been open to hearing a from-the-outside-looking-in-perspective in the first place.
So no, the key to a thriving relationship is not to be out here living like an island and ignoring what people who truly care about you have to say. The objective should be to listen to people you trust; ones who have already proven that they care about you and that they respect you and your ultimate right to do what you want.
At the same time, for those of us on the giving end of relationship advice, our job is to making sure that we're sharing and not dictating, that we take the amount of influence that we have in the lives of others seriously, that we are careful and cautious with what we dish out (along with how we do it), that we are seeking to help and not harm and that we do our absolute best to avoid starting off our pearls of wisdom with the following phrases (you'll see why in just a sec).
“If I were you…”
GiphyWhenever skeptics wonder what makes me qualified to be a marriage life coach, being that I've never been married before, one thing that I share is the fact that there's a challenge that comes from only listening to other married couples that tends to go completely overlooked. When a married counselor, therapist or life coach is offering advice, it tends to be really hard for them to do it without bringing their own marriage into the dynamic. But here's the thing—what works or doesn't work for their relationship may not be as effective for two totally different individuals. In other words, they can sometimes come to the table with a level of bias that ends up doing more harm than good.
That's why I'm not big on the whole "If I were you" approach to relationship advice overall. Even if you and I are in very similar situations, the fact that you are you and I am me, that already makes things very different. The bottom line is, "I ain't you", so there's really no point is trying to advise you solely based on my personality, value system and feelings about your situation.
"If I were you" brings a lot of arrogance to the table. Arrogance is not a good foundation for great advice giving.
“I know how you feel…”
Back before one of my girlfriends and I got tight, we shared a somewhat similar experience. My fiancé died a few years before her child's father was murdered. When I saw her at church, a few weeks following his funeral, I said to her, "I know how you feel…" She looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language and said absolutely nothing. Later, when we got closer and I brought that exchange up, she told me that what I said didn't comfort her; it totally pissed her off. "Shellie, you didn't know him. Hell, you barely knew me at the time, so how could you possibly know how I felt'?!"
She's right. Although I don't believe that when a lot of us say this, we mean it literally, it's still something to shy away from conveying. Again, each experience is unique, so while we may be able to empathize (share similar feelings or thoughts about something or someone) or even understand to a certain degree, unless we are them, there is no way that we can ever truly or fully know what they are going through.
This kind of approach to giving advice can be offensive and off-putting (trust me, I would know).
“If he was my man…”
OK, so stop it. Stop it right there. He's not your man, so why are you even approaching the situation from this angle? Out of all of the things that we really need to stop saying while giving relationship advice to others, this one tops this list. I say that because, the reality is that if "he" was yours, the relationship—the interaction, the issues, the entire dynamic—would be totally different. Why? Because every person is unique and their connection with every other individual they come into contact with is unique as well.
So, whatever it is that your friend is going through with her man, if you were in that very same situation, things would not be the same. That's why it doesn't even make sense to talk about what you would do if someone who isn't your man actually was.
It's far more productive to speak on what you know about the character, history and pattern of the couple that actually exists than to be basing things on hypotheticals anyway.
“There’s no way that could ever be me.”
Don't you just love—by the way, I'm sarcastically using that word here—when you're in a jacked up situation with a guy and one of your friends thinks that she's helping by saying something along the lines of it being something she would never do or a situation she would never tolerate. Whatever, girl.
I've been pretty open about my past abortions on this site before. Well, during one of my pregnancies, a "friend" at the time went on and on to me about how she would never have one and how I was going to hell. She was a virgin. Fast forward a semester or two later and here was the same girl asking me what clinic I went to. SMDH. What changed? Her circumstances.
It's easy to for a single woman to say what she wouldn't tolerate in a marriage. It's easy for a virgin to not get how another woman could get completely sprung on the "d". It's easy for someone who's never been in abusive relationship to not understand why someone who is would struggle with getting out.
If you're one of those folks who's notorious for starting off your advice by reminding someone of what you would never put up with, be careful. Sometimes your lack of compassion will end you up in a similar state, just so that you can humble yourself.
“See, what you need to do is…”
I'll raise my hand in this class and say that this is something I had to learn to stop saying. One reason why it's not a smart approach to giving advice is if someone really does value your opinion and they do what you say and then it backfires, you've got a world of hurt (or more hurt) to deal with. Another problem with this is timing is everything. What someone may need to do today may look totally different a week from now. And finally, need is a really big word.
The mistake that I used to make is convey that what someone needed to do was really no more than a want. If a couple is going through a rough patch, they may need some space but since I don't like what or both of them are going through, I'll want them to break-up. But the word I will use is "need".
Need is a necessity or requirement. If you're out here actually telling someone that they need to do—or not do—something, make sure that's the truth and that you have some hardcore facts to back that up. Make sure you're not imposing your wants instead. Otherwise, what you may need to do is apologize for being so reckless with your words later down the pike.
“When are we gonna stop talking about this?!”
Love is patient. I didn't make that up. It's in the Bible (I Corinthians 13:4). Patient is a difficult word too. It means "bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc. with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like". A whole lot of us are out here professing to love people but the minute they go through a hardship or something painful—especially if it's something that we don't understand—we're out. Or at least unavailable until "the storm" passes over.
If there are fellow Leos reading this, I'd like to hear your comments about what I'm about to say. Two of my closest friends are Leos and a common trait of theirs is that they will be your greatest support system…so long as they see that you are making progress. But if you're in an uncomfortable pattern—or even if you're simply justifying counterproductive behavior—their tolerance is shorter than a mother. They basically disconnect.
To a certain extent, I get it. Giving advice to people who are going to keep doing unhealthy things is exhausting, to say the least. At the same time, some of us need a little more, yes patience, than others. And so, when you start off giving your perspective with a long sigh, dramatic eye roll and a "this…again?!" approach, it can make the other person feel embarrassed at best, humiliated and berated, at worst. None of that is good. Or healthy. Or helpful.
Honorable Mention: “God told me to tell you that…”
GiphyLet me start off by saying this—God is always communicating with his children. And sometimes, he will give us messages to give to others. At the same time, if it's God, it's going to be helpful and beneficial. It may challenge someone (even correct them) but it will also bring forth a sense of clarity and peace. Oftentimes, what it will also do is speak to something specific that you may know very little about (meaning, it will confirm something in the person; something that you may not know or even need to know). It will also make them better, not worse.
Here's what it won't do. It won't hurt them. It won't put fear into them. And it won't be slick controlling or manipulative. Here's an example. There's a woman I know who wanted me to date her son. I wasn't interested, so she used to say that "God told her" that he was my husband. Really? The guy with a boatload of kids, a police record a mile-long who sells and doesn't pay child support? That's who my husband is? Nooooo…your son is a hot mess and you want some woman to take him off of your hands, so you are "using God" to do your bidding—not the God of the Bible but the one that you made up, by the way.
Moral to the story. It's pretty bold to start off any advice with "God told me to say". So, before you do it, make sure that is true. If you're not sure, don't say it. If you ignore my—eh hem—advice on this, there's a chance that you'll end up irritating the person you're talking to and God. Then you'll be the one needing some insight on what to do about the mess you NOT GOD made. (I'm pretty sure that's the last thing you want on your plate!)
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
From Heartbreak To Healing: The Multifaceted Journey Of Nazanin Mandi
Nazanin Mandi is never out of options.
About a year ago, the 37-year-old life coach and actress was navigating life after divorce and determined to experience homeownership for the first time as a single woman. She’d been married to the R&B singer Miguel for three years, following a long-term relationship that started when she was 18 years old. But, in 2022, she filed for divorce. It was certainly the most public change she made but, in reality, it was just one of many decisions to refocus and reach her full potential in recent years.
“During my 20s, I was not ready for more. I was living a really crazy life. It was unpredictable. I was helping somebody else grow. It was a lot, and it was intense. I was not pouring into myself the way I should’ve been,” she says in an xoNecole exclusive.
Still, as Mandi worked to get to know herself and her needs during this new phase of life, she realized the home she’d purchased wasn’t a good fit. Overwhelmed by the echoing of her voice in the spacious home, she had a breakdown and called her cousin, who immediately suggested she lease the home and live somewhere else. “I woke up in my house, and I was like, ‘This is not it for me,” she says. “All those years, I had been accustomed to living a certain way [and] in a certain house, so I bought myself a house like [my old home]. But my family was not the same. Waking up in that house by myself, it highlighted the divorce. I was like, ‘Oh, no, we can’t do this. This is not it.’ My life has changed, so my choices need to change.” At that moment, Mandi became open to the idea that there wasn’t one set way to achieve ownership on her own.
“I feel so much better. I’m in a smaller place. My best friend lives a minute from me and I can walk to her house,” she tells me during a Zoom interview from her home one recent afternoon in early February. In the past two years, she hasn’t just been advising other people on varying circumstances, she’s also been healing herself.
"During my 20s, I was not ready for more. I was living a really crazy life. It was unpredictable. I was helping somebody else grow. It was a lot, and it was intense. I was not pouring into myself the way I should’ve been."
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
If supporters began following Nazanin Mandi because of her conventional beauty or the contagious, bright, white smile she often wears in many of her photos, that’s likely not the reason they’ve stuck around. Instead, she’s amassed a following based on her transparency about her own anxiety and depression, along with the encouraging messages of self-acceptance, gratitude, ambition, and humility that are often sprinkled into her social media posts.
In an era where looking at Instagram photos of models can often lead to feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, Nazanin Mandi is determined to be more than eye candy. She’s food for her follower’s souls, too.
Since being recruited to model while dining at an In-N-Out at 10 years old, Mandi has worked in many areas of entertainment. The Valencia, California native has modeled for brands such as Olay, Savage X Fenty, and Good American. As a teen, she sang at Carnegie Hall and auditioned for season 1 of American Idol, making it all the way to Hollywood before producers disqualified her for lying about her age. (Mandi was 15 at the time, and contestants had to be at least 16 years old.) Mandi has acted, too, including appearing on Disney’s That’s So Raven as a teenager and on the BET+ series Games People Play and the Prime series Á La Carte in more recent years.
In recent years, though, she’s also expanded her professional goals outside of entertainment, too. After becoming a certified life coach in 2020, Mandi launched the membership platform You Bloome in 2022 with the hopes of providing wellness services to others, including her self-published gratitude journal. “I wish I had access to something like You Bloome earlier in my own life,” she writes on the company’s website. The actress, who has been forthcoming about her struggles with anxiety and depression, has never had a life coach, but credits therapy as a tool that “really, really saved me and it laid the foundation to who I am becoming.”
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
"I’m trying to find the balance between living life and knowing that whatever is meant for me is going to happen, but also know that I’m doing everything in my power to make those things happen and better myself."
While she’s always had a nurturing personality, Mandi says her interest in becoming a life coach was inspired by the women who would message her for advice on social media. “I would answer them back. It really sparked a fire within myself to help people,” she says.
You Bloome currently has three membership tiers, ranging in price from $2.99 to $39.99 per month. The highest tier offers a motivational text message twice a week, two live, group coaching sessions per month, and more. “We get emotional. We cry. We laugh. It’s really beautiful. I’ve built close relationships with my members through this. It’s been inspiring both ways,” Mandi says of the sessions. Still, the founder says she hopes to take on more motivational and keynote speaking opportunities in the future with the hopes of impacting as many people as possible.
And, she’s hoping to do all of this while continuing to explore a career as an entertainer.
At this point in her life, Mandi says she’s gained enough perspective on modeling, music, and acting to realize what she wants to prioritize moving forward. “We are going full force with acting,” she says, noting her goal is “to book a series regular or a film that impacts my career and the world.” She plans to continue to model, too, but has no desire to pursue music.
“I don’t want any part of that because I know what that life entails,” she says. “I don’t want to tour. I don’t want to do any of that. That is not where my heart is at.”
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
If you ask Mandi, she’ll tell you she feels most comfortable in front of a camera, but she’ll also admit that she’s recently experienced a lot of imposter syndrome when thinking about her acting career. “I think it’s a fear of not succeeding,” she says. If anything, she adds, she’s harder on herself now than she’s ever been. “There were distractions before. There’s no distractions now,” she says. “I’m putting pressure on myself for no reason.”
This is where the life coach’s own personal healing comes into play. Mandi says she’s learning recently that “slow progress is still big progress at the end of the day.”
“Currently, I’m trying to find the balance between living life and knowing that whatever is meant for me is going to happen, but also know that I’m doing everything in my power to make those things happen and better myself,” she adds.
Still, one of Mandi’s strengths is that she doesn’t feel the pressure to limit herself to just one passion. From working as a life coach to pursuing acting, she has given herself grace to explore all other dreams.
“We can be allowed to be many different things in this lifetime,” she says. “As people, our identities are allowed to expand. Don’t put us in a fucking box. I cannot live that way anymore.”
For more of Nazanin, follow her on Instagram @nazaninmandi.
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Featured image by Solmaz Saberi
'Raising Kanan''s Hailey Kilgore Talks Seeing Herself In Jukebox & Broadway Background
Hailey Kilgore, who has brought the character Jukebox to life on Power Book III: Raising Kanan for the past three seasons, was working hard in show business long before landing the role on coveted Starz franchise. She's already a Tony- and Grammy-nominated talent whose credits include the Jennifer Hudson-led Aretha Franklin biopic Respect and the Tony-winning revival of Once on This Island.
Hailey may play a teen on the Mekai Curtis-centered series but she's been training in singing, acting, and performance since the tender age of 9—that's 16 years now. If you take a look at her social media profiles, it will almost make you do a double take as her real personality couldn't be further from what's depicted on the show—proving just how talented she really is. The Broadway veteran, who is gearing up to release her first album, is what many would describe a girl's girl wearing loads of sequins, gowns, and serving face!
This will prompt you to dig a little deeper to find out more about the girl who is a multi-hyphenate and earned two major nominations before even making it on the big screen.
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xoNecole caught up Hailey as season 3 came to an end and was surprised to learn that although they may be completely different people, her real life is mirroring what's going on with Jukebox in Raising Kanan. "I really made the epiphany season 3." She continued, "[Jukebox] just wants to be seen. She works so hard, she's a really sweet girl. She has a beautiful spirit and she just wants people to see her—to see how hard she works. I feel that right now. I'm like, please just see me. I know you love Jukebox...but there's a super cool girl in here and she's got a lot to say. A lot to contribute to the world artistically."
She even delved more into her background, telling us about the extensive training and hard work she's put in to get to this point. "I started training when I was 9. I trained in acting, singing, and performance." She further explained, "I did my first job when I was 12, so I've been doing this for awhile. Performing is what I love. I've always said I wanted to be Beyoncé when I grew up...I'm really blessed to have the resume and the background that I do."
The latest season of Power Book III: Raising Kanan has come to a close but in true fashion, Hailey is still hard at work. Her first single "Drama Queen" is out now and her debut album will be released on May 3. It's safe to say that Hailey is having her moment. One can't deny that she's worked hard for it and we can't wait to see what's next!
Watch the full interview below.
Hailey Kilgore AKA Jukebox on 'Raising Kanan' Talks Broadway Background
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Featured image by Getty Images