Janese Talton-Jackson Was Killed Because She Said 'No'; Why I Will Continue to Say 'No'
I have a boyfriend.
Well I actually don’t, but that’s what I used to tell men who refused to accept I didn’t want to be bothered even after I politely turned them down. It was a lie that I’m not proud of – mainly because I prefer to be honest – but I was afraid of what could happen if I declined their advances. However, I soon learned that means nothing to someone who won’t accept “no” for an answer.
I had been living in my last apartment for nearly four years when one of the groundskeepers started lurking around my building. Every morning I’d see him poking in the shrubbery and mulch. I recall thinking, Damn, didn’t he just prune those bushes yesterday and the day before that? And when I would stop at the complex’s dumpster, I’d spot him driving over to the trash site in his golf cart hauling stray twigs as I descended the stairs. His behavior annoyed and unsettled me, but I didn’t want to appear paranoid so I ignored that gut feeling that tells you something is amiss.
One day he got up the nerve to invite me to dinner at his place.
“No thank you,” I replied.
But he only tried to entice me with promises of authentic African food like that would change my mind. However, I wasn’t impressed by his self-proclaimed cooking skills, and the more he insisted, the more my responses moved along the spectrum from nice to not-quite-nasty.
“My friend is from Sierra Leone, and she cooks the best ‘African’ food,” I retort. “I’m good.”
I told my friends at work that the maintenance guy was trying to make me dine at his apartment.
“Well, is he cute?” they ask.
I was appalled that his actions were excusable based solely on his looks or that I should automatically say, “Yes!” if he’s attractive. It still didn’t mean he was safe, and he was still a stranger even if I did run into him every day all across the premises. But they also seemed to miss an entire point: If a woman says she’s not interested, then that’s exactly what she means. She isn’t overreacting, and she shouldn’t relent to pressure based on a superficial trait like appearance. So I didn’t mention it to anyone else. Not my family or the guy I was seeing. I didn’t even tell the property manager, and that was partly because if he was fired, he’d still know where I lived, which wasn’t in a gated community or a secured building. The last thing I needed was to find him outside my door.
I thought he’d give up once he saw my guy walk me down the steps one morning. He didn’t look up, didn’t even whisper a “good morning.” But the idea that I was with someone only encouraged him to become bolder in his approach. The groundskeeper called me one afternoon, only I never gave him my number! He didn’t even have my full name! The only explanation I could come up with was he went to the main office and looked me up with whatever little bit of information he had. I felt violated because my file held a wealth of personal information: my social security number, birth date, employer, emergency contact.
Over lunch the next day, I told a male friend what had happened. “You know he can access your apartment at any time,” my friend cautions before launching into another warning on hidden cameras.
That was enough to prompt a conversation with the property manager, but it didn’t make me feel any more at ease. In fact I felt less comfortable than the two times men chased me in a car and a Penske truck – just a few months ago for the latter mind you – on busy streets as I traveled home. Both times I had to speed and run red lights to elude them because I didn’t want them to know where I rested my head at night. This fool, on the other hand, already did!
I remember these events as I read about Janese Talton-Jackson, the 29-year-old mother of three who was recently gunned down outside of a Pittsburgh bar by a man whose advances she rejected inside the establishment. For whatever reason, she wasn’t interested – and that is her absolute right. Yet her shooter still felt he could take her life because she turned him down. It was a senseless act predicated on the assumed entitlement to our time and bodies. The rationalization must be that we should feel lucky and flattered to receive male attention, but we just don’t admit it because we’re too coy or playing hard to get. It’s equally upsetting when other women think the same way and fault us for not engaging with the man anyway.
But the truth is we’re just not that into every man. We aren’t obligated to entertain anyone if we don’t want to, and anything a man offers beyond the initial “no” is simply unwanted. And we won’t accept for blame for the way men process rejection.
[Tweet "We aren’t obligated to entertain anyone if we don’t want to."]
I shouldn’t feel compelled to lie, flee, duck, and hide from guys who think persistence is sexy. I shouldn’t have to assuage egos, either, and say, “I’m seeing someone,” which is perceived to be gentler than the harsh “I’m not interested” to avoid any repercussions. I shouldn’t have to hand out fake names and numbers to get a guy out of my presence. And Janese Talton-Jackson shouldn’t have had to exit a bar, looking over her shoulder and peeping around corners because she expressed disinterest. We should be able to simply say, “No, thank you” and not fear that we’re going to be stalked or killed in return.
I write about lifestyle and women's health and wellness. When I'm not in front of a computer screen crafting stories, I'm in a kitchen crafting cocktails. Follow me on the 'gram @teronda.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images