OK, so when I sat down to write this, there were two songs that immediately came to mind — "Wanna Make Love to You All Night Long" by Lillo Thomas and "One Minute Man" by Missy Elliot (feat. Ludacris). If you're familiar with either one (preferably both), I'm sure you can get, from the title alone, why my memory was triggered by them. Because you know what? Due to my own sexual experience, the clients I work with, the random conversations that I've had and all of the reading and research that I do on the topic of sex, if there's one conclusion that I've confidently come to, it's that women don't a man who can physically have sex all night long nor do we want someone who lasts for only a couple of minutes. The ideal sex partner lands somewhere in between — and actually a lot closer to the "minute man" side than many would care to admit.
And just how much closer are we talking about? From a study that I read, you just might be surprised. Let's unpack this just a little bit further, shall we?
What’s Up with This “All Night Long” Ish?
Anyone who is a true R&B fan knows that there are literally countless songs that talk about having sex/making love all night long. Yet unless you've actually been with a partner who's attempted to make this happen, you'll never get how much something can sound great in theory and yet be annoying AF in real-time. While it might be TMI if any of you read my article "14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners", you already know that I kinda get down that way, so it's whatever. That said, one of those 14 is who introduced me to the revelation that some people really can go on forever…and ever…AND EVER. He wasn't small in size (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go"), he was freaky as all get out and pretty aggressive too. While when we first started having sex, it was like a true adventure, after a few months, it was more vaginally irritating and a bit like Chinese water torture, the sex version, if I'm to be completely honest. I think it was because he was so focused on going on forever that it stopped being all that pleasurable.
Hmph. Come to find out, ole' boy had a low-key cocaine habit that I didn't know about which connected the dots for all of those things. Oh, but he wasn't the only one who was like this. Another ex of mine would pull out and wait, go back in and rinse and repeat. After about an hour, I was ready to bring things to some sort of conclusion while he was acting like he had something to prove — in his mind, the longer things took, the more memorable, in the best way possible, he would be.
Yeah, you've gotta watch those guys who may not bring drug (or heavy alcohol) influence into the bedroom but instead, they go with their ego — oftentimes, they aren't having sex with you at all; they are having sex at you so that they can tell themselves how good they were…regardless of what your opinion may be.
Does that mean that I am totally against all-night-long sex? Eh. I'm not much of a fan of the literal notion of that. Meaning, I don't think I would ever want to have sex, without stopping, for more than 60 minutes or so. Now, having sex, spooning for a catnap, going at it again, spooning for a few more hours, and going at it again — oh, I think there should be a holiday for that. But thinking that a man being able to go for a billion minutes plus tax is the sign of a good lover really needs to be left in the movies — and even those are only a couple of hours long. The bottom line here — it's not only unrealistic to want a man to go all night but, if we're really honest with ourselves, a lot of us don't like it when it comes even close to happening anyway. So, what exactly is the timeframe that brings us pleasure and joy? Good question.
How Long Do Most of Us Actually Want Sex to Be?
I write about sex quite a bit on here, so while I can't recall exactly which articles, I know I've shared, on more than a few occasions, that when it comes to how long it takes a man to climax, he can do it in five minutes while it generally takes us around 20 minutes (including foreplay). Well, according to a study that was conducted last year, the time that we need has gotten down to something very specific. Apparently, what we need in order to reach a full-on orgasm are 13.41 minutes.
OK, but that's how long it takes to "see the mountain." Based on what a different study revealed, how long do most of us actually want sex to last? 25.51 minutes (do you agree?). Here is what's interesting about that, though. Another study that was published byThe Journal of Sexual Medicinestated that there is actually an ideal time for vaginal intercourse to transpire and it's shorter than both of the times that I just stated — between 7-13 minutes. Yep, according to the journal, we all should be able to get the job done (and feel all the better for it), in less time than it takes to watch half of an Insecure episode.
Is there anything that alters this conclusion? Sure. Things like the state of two people's health, what their personal preferences are and even the current state of their connection with one another could result in sex being much shorter or longer than — rounding off here — 10 minutes long. However, the bigger point (at least to me) is this kind of data is important because the belief that good sex — or a good sex partner — is someone who has to be the Energizer Bunny — you know, going on…and on…and on — is wrapped up in fallacy. Sex doesn't have to be long in order to be good. Not by a long shot.
Remember That It Should Always Be About Quality over Quantity
And this is why I think quickies should get more respect than they oftentimes do. If sex, for us, is typically preferred when it's between 7-13 minutes long, that means that morning sex, shower sex, and pulling stuff up and down when you've got a few minutes to spare in the kitchen or car— these things shouldn't be seen as sexual consolation prizes. In fact, after reading all of what I just said, there should be more reasons to treat them as top-tier activities because what all of this intel revealed, more than anything else, it's that more women are into quality sex than how much time someone takes in the bedroom (quantity).
In fact, dare I say, that the reason why those of us who want more time push for it, it's so that "he" will get more minutes (or hours…geez) to figure out what we need to get where we want things to go (if you catch my drift). Meaning, if he hits it right, we don't need an hour; we're actually extending an hour so that he can — and will.
Again, just so we're clear, I'm all about having more than one round in a night. All of these studies and what I've shared aren't talking about that. But that on…and on…AND ON one round of sex stuff? If a man says he's doing it for us, share with him this article because, according to the sourced data, something in that buttermilk ain't clean. We'd rather have 10 minutes of really good intercourse than an hour of subpar pounding. Words to live by. Lie down on too. #wink
For more love and relationships, sex, dating tips and tricks, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
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