It's my expert opinion that "shooting up the club" or letting your man cum inside you is an endearing sentiment reserved for trusted partners. I've heard so many women discuss how their partner can't be trusted as far as they can be thrown, and yet a baby almost always ends up in this equation. There absolutely needs to be a bit of discernment when it comes to those we decide to try new and, sometimes, risky sex stuff with.
But, I'm also human and I understand that slip-ups happen. Nevertheless, it wouldn't be responsible of us to ignore all that can go awry where slip-ups are concerned.
What are all the things that you should consider before deciding whether you and your partner should throw caution to the wind and dancing in the rain? Umbrella free? Let's get into it. While you all have grown accustomed to me as writer Kiarra here at xoNecole, today I'll be that and the expert with the lowdown. So allow me to reintroduce myself as MSW, MEd, educator and advocate for Decolonizing Black Sexuality, Kiarra Sylvester.
And I'm going to help you determine if the price is right when deciding if the time is now for your partner to ejaculate or cum inside of you during sex.
1.Trust and Believe: How much do you really trust your partner?
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In some sort of utopian world, I wouldn't have to ask this question—it would be a given that we'd only permit these types of privileges to those that we trust. But, we don't, so I will ask again: Is your relationship, whether strictly sexual or a full-blown relationship, one that is built on trust? Trust that was built on open, honest communication? If this is someone who you feel the need to go through their phone at any given point, there is no trust and the answer is "no". You absolutely shouldn't allow your partner to cum inside of you. This is a more simply dynamic of trust, but as you know, there are far more intricate elements of trust at play.
If your partner pressures you to do anything sexually or otherwise, this violates trust as they are unwilling to adhere to the boundaries you have either set upfront or are intending to set in the moment.
If "yes", move forward to the next question. But, also consider discussing what condomless sex with no pull-out might look like. What type of boundaries do you all need for this to work? Will you all commit to only having sex with one another? Will you use condoms with other partners? Regularly testing together? Cool, how often is regular? And understand that testing regularly isn't a perfect solution, i.e. unless you're being tested daily, there's a margin of opportunity in between scheduled testing. Now, you can move your player piece closer to "go".
2.Planned Parenthood: If you do end up pregnant, are you collectively ready for parenthood?
If you've opted out of using the pull-out method as a means for birth control (which was risky business to begin with, since according to Bedsider, the "withdrawal" method has a failure rate of 20 percent and I'm assuming so because "pull out" is one step before deciding to just say "fuck, that shit.") Withdrawal is easily one of the least effective contraception methods and it's always been stressed to use this method paired with another when possible, even if it's a fertility awareness method.
Though we're not discussing pulling out, I mention it to press upon you that letting your partner ejaculate in you puts you in the big leagues. So the questions become: 1) Are you collectively ready for parenthood; 2) Is this a person you would enjoy parenting with? Even if you don't end up with this person, romantically for a lifetime — can you see an enjoyable coparenting relationship? If your answer is still "yes", then you have your answer. If "no", move along to the next question. All hope isn't lost yet.
3.B.C., Before Child—Not Christ: Where do you two stand on the birth control conversation?
If this isn't a person you see a future with OR you simply don't have any desire to be a mother yourself, then it's time to get clear on where you and your body stand on birth control. Contrary to popular belief, abortion is birth control, and whether you believe that or not, you both should have an honest dialogue about your positon on this method. While I squarely believe it's a woman's choice at the end of the day, it can help to discuss so there's a sense of preparedness and understanding of expectations should you find yourself seeking out an abortion. One in four women will have an abortion by age 45, so whatever you do please don't feel ashamed. But you should know if this is a person who will support you physically, mentally, and financially through this process or if it will be expected that you go it alone.
While this is a discussion that should be had, you should also consider other variants of birth control since abortion is expensive and for that reason alone, I wouldn't recommend leaning into it as a primary form of birth control. The average abortion starts at about $400 and after the first trimester, the price goes up weekly. Aboriton can see rates of $2K in circumstances where women can't afford them, and spend time "chasing the fee." That said, I urge you to use sites such as Bedsider and speak with your gynecologist for more information on the methods you're most interested in, and figure out what birth control best suits your body and lifestyle.
Birth control is not one size fits all, so if you find a method you think you might like and it's either, not covered by insurance or you don't have one, dig deeper. There are resources out there!
If your answer to birth control is "yes", be sure to be proactive so not to be reactive here. But also keep in mind that should you need to be reactive, there is emergency contraceptive (Plan B), which can be purchased at a drugstore. Also if you were already interested in the IUD, specifically, a copper IUD, they double as emergency contraceptive if you can find a clinic that can insert them into you within five days of unprotected sex. The copper works by repelling the sperm in the opposite direction.
If "no", and you've also answered "no" to at least one other question so far...thank you for playing but it doesn't seem like letting your partner cum inside of you is the best idea for you at this time.
4.Vaginal Health: Do you know condomless sex can throw off your vaginal health?
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Congratulations! You've made it this far. While listed last, it's certainly not the least concerning point of contention. We're aware by now that condoms can throw off the vaginal pH leading to bacterial vaginosis, yeast infections, and urinary tract infections so it only makes sense that we consider the ways in which semen might also do so. And when exchanging bodily fluids, like semen, the stakes are higher than a rinky-dink yeasty. Additionally, you are more vulnerable to sexually transmitted infections such as HIV. That means, we're being smart about how we interact sexually while seeking out desired pleasure. I purposely didn't lump this piece in with trust, at least not completely. The thing that many people tend to forget is that some sexually transmitted diseases can present asymptomatically, especially when presented in men.
That means even with a trusted and faithful partner, it is still risky to participate in consensual, ejacualatory, condomless sex with your partner. Which takes us back to the highly suggested point I made earlier about implementing regular testing.
At the end of the day, nothing is a sure thing in this world. Unfortunately, expert or not, I cannot make that call for you but simply help you make the best decision for you based on the most accurate information. But above all, be sure that you've discussed this with your gynecologist and your partner before participating in unprotected sex regardless of the outcome.
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On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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