Celebs Who’ve Said They Never Wanted To Get Married And The Very Real Reasons Why
Marriage is a subject in our society that has followed women everywhere since the beginning of time. We can't even be out here living our best lives because someone, somewhere, is going to ask about it. And for single, accomplished women everywhere, the subject of marriage usually never goes away.
I think back to a tweet from Necole Kane that had me snapping with the stank face all night:
You can be fit, career popping, good credit, financially stable, amazing health, well-traveled, glowing, chakras aligned, and people will be like....\n\n "but where your man at though"— Necole Kane (@Necole Kane) 1517721876
Man, listen...
We can all likely agree that for women who are out here getting to these bags and minding their business, the subject of marriage is dreaded, it's unwarranted, and it's downright rude. Or at least it can be.
Hear me out.
Marriage rates have declined over the years and actually only continue to do so. That's mostly because years ago, getting married and having children was the expectation. But over the last two decades, those expectations have shifted, with fewer and fewer folks considering marriage a necessity. A 2017 report from the Pew Research Center found one in seven people who've never been married, don't want to get married. One in seven. And another 27 percent of people aren't sure how they feel about marriage.
Additionally, a 2019 Pew report found just 17 percent of people think marriage is essential for a woman to have a fulfilling life (16 percent for men), and three in 10 people think being married is simply not important.
This is a shift that we all see, but don't often consider. And even celebs (some married, some not) with large platforms are vocal about never planning for marriage, and showing us every day that it is absolutely OK not to. For example:
Oprah Winfrey
If we look on the scope of marriage on the infamous scale of marriage vs. success, no other woman comes to mind more than Oprah Winfrey. You see, Oprah comes from trauma. Her entire upbringing was tied to Black pain. This may or may not have had an impact on her decision to never marry her long-term partner, Stedman Graham in hindsight, but either way, that particular license is not something she wants to have.
Winfrey has been open about not being married or having children before, and she said she had no regrets about it. She told People magazine that at the time, her show required 17-hour workdays and she would return home to her dogs and to Graham. She said her partner let her be who she needed to be in the world:
"He's never demanding anything from me like, 'Where's my breakfast? Where's my dinner?' Never any of that, which I believed would have changed had we married. No question about it – we would not stay married because of what that would have meant to him, and I would have had my own ideas about it."
Not to say she never thought about it before, as she has mentioned that at one point, it was a part of her plan. As we know, this never happened and Oprah is OK with her decision.
Instead, she "got to fulfill [being a mom and wife] in the way that was best for me," which of course has been through her partnership and her Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls in South Africa.
Meagan Good
Rodin Eckenroth/WireImage
Meagan Good is the actress that we all grew up with since she was 12 years old. And although married now, she never looked to being so as a "goal." She was, or is, even unsure if kids are in her future. During an episode of Established with Angela Yee, the Think Like a Man actress said she never really aspired to marriage or to motherhood.
"I was always very much focused on my career because that's all I knew my whole life and it's what I love."
In fact, her change of heart didn't come until after she married her husband, DeVon Franklin, when she realized that she can be a mother and still maintain who she is, which she never viewed as going hand-in-hand prior.
"I can still be the true identity of who I am and I can also be a mother and be a great one. So, I've just now gotten to that place and I'll be 40 [this] year and I'm like, 'OK, it's about that time!'"
Shonda Rhimes
Shonda Rhimes is another culture giant who has said that marriage was never for her. And sis literally means never. When Shonda isn't taking over our screens and securing the $100 million Netflix bag, she is perfectly fine with being the Rich Auntie that we all secretly have inside. The screenwriter has previously spoken out about how she doesn't intend on ever tying the knot with someone. She revealed to Entertainment Weekly:
"I was seriously dating somebody and I was like, 'I don't want to do this.' We're all so conditioned to want it, I felt like there must be something wrong with me. But the minute I said it out loud to my family, it was fantastic. Now if somebody says, 'Are you looking for that?' I say, 'Nope, looking for a boyfriend, not a husband.' And there's a freedom to that. There's no pressure if you're not looking for it."
Eva Mendes
Eva Mendes, who's starred in movies such as Training Day and Hitch, declared her disinterest in marriage during an appearance on Chelsea Lately in 2011.
"I actually think it's really sexy to be with someone in your 50s and 60s and be like, 'That's my boyfriend.' I think husband and wife is just . . . very unsexy."
In fact, like Meagan, Mendes revealed she never even wanted kids or saw herself as a mother.
"I don't wanna have kids. I love the little suckers; they're so cute but I love sleep so much and I worry about everything."
However, this all changed the moment she met her partner of over almost a decade, The Notebook's Ryan Gosling. Mendes even credits Gosling for her change of heart in regards to becoming a mom because although the couple have yet to marry, she knew he was her soulmate. Now a mother of two kids, she told Women's Health:
"Ryan Gosling happened. I mean, falling in love with him. Then it made sense for me to have…not kids, but his kids. It was very specific to him."
Whew.
Mindy Kaling
Mindy Kaling's story is the opposite as she went from overly desiring to wed, to never entertaining the thought. The Office star told Good Housekeeping:
"When I was younger, I wanted so badly to be married and have kids in a rush. I loved my parents' relationship. The way my father was with my mother when she was dying was so moving. It was such devotion. I don't know that that will happen for me, but I like it."
But sis also doesn't want you to confuse the two. She adds:
"I don't need marriage. I don't need anyone to take care of all my needs and desires. I can take care of them myself now."
The actress now has two kids, though she's not revealed with who--not even to close friends.
The evolution of marriage for women has slowly become a highly-debatable lifestyle, and the trend is only gaining steam. In fact, women who truly never aspire to marriage shouldn't be considered normalized because for some, not wanting to marry is normal. And in my best and loudest Auntie Tabitha voice: and that's they business.
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Charmin Michelle is a southern native and creative spirit who works as a content marketer and events manager in Chicago. She enjoys traveling, #SummertimeChi, and the journey of mastering womanhood. Connect with her on Instagram @charminmichelle.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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After Solo Travel Burnout, A Group Retreat In Luxury Was The Return To Sisterhood I Needed
Solo travel has been gaining in popularity among Black women for years, with many choosing to do adventures alone for various reasons. In fact, 70 percent of women, overall, enjoy solo trips. We've even shifted the landscape of travel trends and offerings, with hotels, resorts, and travel agents offering the "perfect" solo travel packages or lists of the "best places for solo travel."
I've been in a solo travel season for about seven years now, venturing out alone to see the world. I'd welcomed the solitude after years of family members flaking, showing disinterest, or simply not being able to afford to travel. It was also just what I needed after a few rough and utterly traumatic years of toxic relationships, major betrayals, and lackluster reciprocity from so-called friends.
I also fell in love during that period and was in a long-distance relationship, so I'd often solo travel to meet up with bae.
But like anything you go hard at for a long period of time, burnout soon comes knocking, and I'd recently been yearning to finally get back into connection with other women, sharing memories and experiences in a group versus just by myself.
There's something very isolating and lonely in solo traveling, and as much as I love my man, I began craving sisterhood and friendship with other women.
When I got the opportunity to experience the Fab Body Retreat—an experience for women, by women—hosted at the luxurious all-inclusive Sonesta Ocean Point Resort in St. Maarten, I more than jumped. The fitness and wellness retreat, launched by Deanna Robinson, a health and wellness advocate and entrepreneur, turned out to be just what I needed. I not only got the chance to visit an island I'd never been to but I had fun with a great group of Black women professionals and entrepreneurs.
I was able to process through the trauma, bitterness, and hurt I'd felt and get past the long-standing apprehensions I'd had about connecting personally with other women.
Janell Hazelwood for xoNecole
A 'Royal' Introduction And Networking
The first night, we enjoyed a "Royal Dinner" where we all wore blue under the night stars and with the ocean as our backdrop. We all got a chance to introduce ourselves and enjoy Caribbean dishes including marinated snapper, rice and peas, stewed meats, and other assorted side dishes.
Mia Benjamin/@socialbymjh
Janell Hazelwood for xoNecole
Fitness And Fun
Initially, I was a bit apprehensive about the fitness part, as I'd been struggling to lose the same 20 lbs for the last two years. To be honest, I wasn't excited about wearing a bikini around other women, nor was I looking forward to working out at the wee hours of the morning. But I'd made a pact with myself to open up and show up. And that, I did.
The whole theme of the retreat was "Elevation," so it was important for me to look past my hangups and stretch myself to get back on track with connection, timeliness, and openness.
Bright and early on the resort's beach, we had morning workouts, strengthening our core and incorporating cardio. These workouts were scheduled into almost every day of the 4-day retreat, and it was surprisingly fun. Some of the activities were perfect for team-building and competition, reviving my love of sport and recreation. Deanna, Sihnuu Hetep, yoga practitioner and educator, Rachel Martin, co-founder of Morph Transformation Center, and M'Balia Rucker led the retreat fitness activities, adding dance and other interactive elements and making working out more enjoyable. And, of course, getting the energy from the sun and sea was a plus.
It was energizing. To see women of all shapes, ages, sizes, and levels of fitness, and to be affirmed in that diversity of capabilities was empowering and renewed my sense of optimism about restarting my wellness journey to get back into more healthy eating and exercise habits.
We also enjoyed a luxe yacht party, where we cruised the beautiful waters of St. Maarten, enjoying a special Caribbean meal of curry chicken, rice, salad, assorted juices, and unlimited mimosas. The vibes were chill, and many of us enjoyed a dip in the water or snorkeling, while others preferred chatting while sunbathing and reflecting.
I met sisters who'd traveled from Bowie, Maryland who reminded me of my own beloved aunts: one, a vibrant and accomplished saxophonist named Sharon Thomas, and another, Iris Lattimore, founder of Lattimore's Funnel Cakes. They each told me of their own experiences of traveling the world together, visiting every Caribbean island, and holding dear their sister bond, spread between their extended family in the Washington D.C.-Maryland-Virginia (DMV) area.
Janell Hazelwood for xoNecole
Slumber And Pool Parties
The itinerary also included a slumber party, where we all wore our pajamas and sat on pillows and lounge chairs amid soothing blue tones. There were small bites available, and panelists, including licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Alicia Hodge and entrepreneurs Zakia Blain (CEO of apparel line FBF Body), Brittney Carter (founder, B. Carter Solutions), and Natalie Nicole Smith (founder, the NNAgency Inc., and NNBody), sharing their phenomenal personal experiences with loss, renewal, and growth, very fitting for the theme of the night.
I was able to open up and safely release my trauma of feeling hurt by past misunderstandings. I truly gained a sense of support from the women in the room who could relate. The environment was very respectful, and the vibes made me feel like I was among family. One common theme among all of us, from diverse industries, life experiences, and parts of the U.S., was resilience and a belief in the dynamic power of women supporting women. It was refreshing to connect with like-minded, down-to-earth individuals who are all about pouring into other women.
We also shared small Caribbean bites, coffee, and tea to complement the night's questions and confessions. Deanna urged us all to tap into how we might be elevating beyond our fears, past traumas, and even a few current challenges, which women openly shared as well in the safe space.
Janell Hazelwood for xoNecole
The final night was all about pool fun, where we played volleyball, enjoyed a DJ spinning Caribbean and Top 100 hits and live entertainment by carnival-inspired performers, and got to enjoy the night air. We all were able to simply enjoy one another's company and get one last dance and dip in the pool in before it would be time to wake up early for a final morning workout and the transportation (also included with the retreat's amenities) to catch our flights back home.
While this was a wellness retreat, there was a special mix of enjoyment where you could partake in the open bar if you wanted to or drink fresh juices and water. It didn't feel like I was forced into an extreme version of "wellness" or "fitness" and I could pace myself in order to find the right sort of balance for me.
Backdrop Of All-Inclusive Luxury
One huge part about the trip that I loved was, after years of attending conferences in the backdrop of paradise and feeling like I never got a chance to actually enjoy the environment, there was a great balance between scheduled activities and free time to develop deeper, more personal connections with self and members of the group, an intergenerational community of women ages 30 to 65.
The 130-suite adults-only “resort within a resort” has four pools (including a Seascape pool with a swim-up bar), four bars, and three restaurants, including the signature Azul restaurant, which was my favorite. It had its own private beach and a fresh-water pool that afforded me cliff-side views of the ocean.
The 24-hour room service was divine, and you could work out on your own with a view of the grounds from the state-of-the-art fitness center, open-air well-being area, and private cabanas. The resort also offered nightly entertainment to enjoy with the group and a gaming emporium, Casino Royale.
I was also able to enjoy a meal (from a local spot within walking distance outside of the resort) of curry goat and roti, one of my favorite dishes reflective of my love of Trinidadian food. The community there, from the hospitality professionals at the resort to the vacationers, was diverse. I met people from Guyana, Trinidad, Jamaica, and Europe in the short time I was there.
Sonesta Ocean Point Resort, St. Maarten
Sonesta Ocean Point Resort, St. Maarten
This retreat not only reminded me that sister bonds are necessary, but it allowed me to see that the past can be left there and that the present is full of opportunities to meet new, amazing women. The Fab Body Retreat was a manifestation of the founder's commitment to women's empowerment and love and was reflected in her efforts to include Black- and women-owned businesses in everything, including her gift bags (featuring items from brands Mela Vitamins, Mischo Beauty, and Vigor Roots) and contract women-owned vendors (IV Event Rentals).
It was the perfect boost of positivity and affirmation I needed to continue in my journey to heal and reconnect with the beauty of Black women's kinship and connective force.
For more information on the next Fab Body Retreat, visit their website or follow them on Instagram @fabbodyretreat.
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Featured image by Alvaro Medina Jurado/Getty Images