Why Fetishizing Mixed-Raced Children Can Be Dangerous
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, even when that eye is damaged.
When I say damaged, I don't necessarily mean physical damage, but a distorted and flawed perception of what beauty is. The part of a person that thinks one group of people are better than the other based on their looks--like the silly, age-old light skin vs. dark skin argument.
Unfortunately, people still subscribe to the idea that “light is right." We hear it all the time, whether it's a rapper bragging about his light skin or 'exotic' side piece, or someone throwing a party at a club for #TeamLightSkin. Some people even subscribe to the idea that light skin is better to the point of obsessing about having biracial babies.
That's when YouTube Vlogger and MTV's Decoded host Franchesca "Ceschaleigh" Ramsey chimed in to set the record straight about folks fawning over biracial children in her latest YouTube blog. Chescaleigh, who is married to a white man, said that she often hears people fetishize her future babies, who may have curly hair with light eyes. In the video, she says:
"This gets me really uncomfortable, and I've even heard people say, 'Like, I really want to have mixed kids,' you know, when they find out my husband is white.Side note: Not all biracial people are a mix of black and white, and there are so many mixes that don't even include white people, like two people of color. But of course, speaking as a Black woman that's in a relationship with a white dude, that's a perspective that I'm coming at in this topic from, so please take that into account.
So this idea that being partially white is somehow more attractive or more desirable basically says that blackness is not attractive or desirable, and that's messed up because I'm not biracial and I'm cute as hell!
...Generally speaking, I think they're coming from a good place, but it's important to remember that, again, intent does not change impact, and also that we live in a world that holds up these oppressive ideas. And so these are things that people internalize without even realizing it, and then project them onto each other so I don't think that people that say this to me think all black people are ugly or hate people of color. And this is not a new concept, this idea that whiteness is more preferable or more attractive."
Point blank, it's creepy and disrespectful. Case in point:
And don't think it's only black people fetishizing over having brown, light-eyed, curly haired kids:
You also see it in the media's obsession with bi-racial celebrity babies.
In the video, Franchesca went even further with people's obsession over lighter skin by pointing out how the media uses biracial or ambiguous-looking actresses in ads, commercials and shows aimed at black people:
You see it a lot in media, too, when you look at advertising. Oftentimes you'll see multiracial or racially ambiguous people presented as one race or the other. You might see two black parents in a movie, or an advertisement, or a show, and their kids are biracial. Or you'll have a biracial actor whose character is not written as biracial, and so their parents will be one race. So it's really rare that you will see a biracial actor portraying a biracial character.
Not to be "that person" but for real, Hillary, Sandra, and Denise had me questioning life in my younger years.
The most heartbreaking part of her video blog was when she asked her followers on Snapchat to finish the sentence, "I am a biracial person who," and the responses were tough to hear.
"I am a biracial person who, throughout my entire life had people ask, 'What are you?' In a really, like, condescending way, and it's really infuriating.""I am a biracial person who has yet to find any community that completely accepts me."
"I am a biracial person who is tired of being told that I have to choose which race I have to identify as, and being told that when I identify as being Black and White, that I can only identify as Black."
"I'm a biracial person who has been told that I'm not really Hispanic, because I don't look like it."
Ccescaleigh went on to say exactly what I was thinking-- that you can't project your ideas of a desirable looking person onto your kids, because how they see themselves impacts how they see the world. Moreover, biracial people come in all hues, shapes, and sizes. You can be biracial and have kinky hair, or be biracial with dark skin.
Also, what happens if you spend all this time fetishizing over a biracial child who may not come out looking biracial? That's got to suck for you.
At the end of the day, people have feelings. The obsession over someone's features is disrespectful, especially to children who are still trying to find their places in the world.
And she's absolutely dead on according to Pia, the author of Diaries of A Mixed Fat Chick blog. Back in April, in an entry titled, "Black & White: The Exociticization of Mixed Race Women in Western Culture," Pia wrote:
The mulatta has historically been the subject of much fascination for centuries. The iconic female figure of racial ambiguity has represented the exotic “Other" – an object of male fantasy in which mixed race women are reduced to their body parts. And the danger in exoticizing us, is that we are reduced to objects to be admired, or even conquered. It is in this way we dehumanize and further oppress mixed race folks, which only adds to the complexities of racism.
She added later in the blog:
And so when people pay me a compliment that alludes to my mixed race, I am polite, but indifferent. Because what they are really saying is that I'm beautiful because I'm just different enough. I'm other. Though it may not be intentional, this type of fetishizing feeds into racism by reinforcing western beauty ideals that say to be too brown is overly exotic, and to be too pale isn't exotic enough. And thus I am left with the feeling that I am somehow racially superior in many ways, yet I belong nowhere. I have been systematically reduced to an object of societal fascination.
"Yet I belong nowhwere" is a sad reality for a lot of bi-racial kids who grow up and have a hard time finding where they fit in. Being bi-racial extends past cuteness. To the people who fetishize about having mixed babies, are you prepared to educate and empower your child about their identity?
Via Nicola Marven:
"Articles that suggest mixed-race people are beautiful are, ironically, reinforcing the horrible divisive thick line between races that mixed-race people like me have worked so hard to blur and smudge away. Believe it or not, if you are never given a single race of your own, you tend to spend a lot of time merging in and out silently with other groups like a discrete cloud. Mixed-race people don't want attention drawn to them. We don't want to have an extra spotlight put on us because we already have one every single moment that we walk down streets with anyone else who is not mixed-race. We don't want to be other, different, beautiful, exotic, fascinating, intriguing. Let us be ugly, or even just normal and mediocre. That's just fine."
Watch the full video below, and tell us your thoughts.
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- Mixed Up: 'Saying you love mixed-race babies is creepy – please ... ›
- For the love of God stop telling mixed race couples that their kids will ... ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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