To the excitement of many socially conscious readers, HBO has aired a long-awaited documentary: Say Her Name: The Life and Death of Sandra Bland.
Sandra Bland, a Chicago native, was each and every one of us. She was a 28-year-old daughter and sister, who graduated from a Texas HBCU, Prairie View A&M, on a band scholarship where she studied social justice issues. She was planning to use her degree in order to make her dreams of police reform and other areas of social justice for the Black community come true.
With the time that she dedicated to her video blog, Sandra would have surely been a woman to watch, but her life was sadly taken away from her. On July 13, 2015, she was stopped by a Texas State Trooper, falsely arrested on a felony charge, and faced a $5,000 bail on that fateful Friday evening. By Monday, she was dead and found hanging from a noose. It was implied that this nearly 6-foot tall woman, with a fire inside of her to change the world as she knew it, committed suicide in her jail cell.
Initially, this news induced a knee-jerk reaction from our community, urging the Black Lives Matter movement to acknowledge that police brutality was not only being experienced by Black men.
However, once footage was released of a justifiably irate Sandra speaking in defense of her innocence during the traffic stop, a question arose if somehow she brought her death upon herself. The outcome of the investigation of Sandra's death resulted in the officer who started the aggressive verbal confrontation being fired but not being charged with more than a misdemeanor. Her family was awarded $1.9 million in a wrongful death suit, which is more than many other families received who have fallen victim to losing their loved ones at the hands of those who are supposed to protect us. Her sister Sharon Cooper spoke with The Root about her beloved Sandy, sharing:
"She mattered to an immense amount of people; she had a village that genuinely loved and cared about her; and quite frankly, I think she's given rise to a generation of change makers. She's given permission to be unapologetic about being seen and heard and being treated with a sense of dignity. Because I do genuinely believe that that was what she was trying to show in that moment in her traffic stop is that she deserves to be treated with dignity just as much as majority counterparts."
HBO has released the explosive documentary, Say Her Name: The Life and Death of Sandra Bland, where we are able to hear accounts directly from Sandra family, legal team, and from law enforcement officials who will vividly paint a picture of the events surrounding Sandra's death. Eerily enough, there is narrative from Sandra herself gathered from her vlog "Sandy Speaks". Cooper explains:
"I think it's really eerie and ironic that she's able to narrate her own documentary; it's really something. She really leveraged social media for good, even speaking on topics that aren't even that popular and that make people uncomfortable. But change doesn't come from comfort; it comes from getting uncomfortable."
It is a relief to know that Sandra did not die completely in vain and her name will live on through our rage over the loss of her life. The family will likely never know the full details of what happened to her because of the misinformation and lack of information given to them. At the very least, we will be able to humanize Sandra and other victims who have become popular names and hashtags.
With injustices such as these occurring in our society, there can be a feeling of helplessness in our community. A question of, what now? To that I say, we keep her name alive.
We fight. We vote. We cry. We protest. We seek and spread more information. We let the feeling of loss resonate in our souls. We do anything in our power to not become desensitized to the loss of innocent lives, especially at the hands of those who are ordained to serve and protect us. We resist.
We #SayHerName.
Tune in to the documentary, which is now airing on HBO and HBO2, and click here to check out the trailer.
Featured image by Monica Schipper/Getty Images for HBO
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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