The first time I saw the video for TLC's "Unpretty", I watched it repeatedly. It resonated with me because it was the narrative so deeply embedded in my black girl psyche. I, like many other women, have struggled with maintaining a positive self-image, inspiring a culture that encourages dangerous surgeries that require painful recoveries.
Cardi B, who credits her rise to the top to her investment in her image, recently toldGQ that she decided to get butt injections four years ago after developing an insecurity fueled by her personal and professional lives. The risky black market operation, which left her dizzy and in tremendous pain, was performed by a shadetree surgeon. Cardi's painful experience is a reality that is increasingly relevant to women of color in this day and age.
It's the same reality that celebs like K. Michelle and Jenelle Salazar Butler (popularly known as Get Bodied By J) are also opening up about. These women are speaking their truths about the societal pressures that drove them to seek physical augmentations, a dangerous trend made extremely popular among women of color in the entertainment industry over the last decade. The celebrities' recent admissions shed light on an industry that exploits black bodies and employs a deadly insecurity among black women.
Society has spoken, and big booties are the wave.
This fact leaves many women of color in the limelight to compare and question their natural bodies, especially when their shapes don't reflect the "ideal black body type." This deadly insecurity has caused more and more women to seek alternative methods of reaching their beauty goals, including detox tea, waist trainers, and one of the latest trends, minimally invasive cosmetic surgery.
In 2016, the American Society of Plastic Surgeons announced that butt implants were the fastest growing type of plastic surgery and can cost upwards of $10,000, causing many women who cannot afford the procedure to seek out back alley operations that consist of placing silicone in their butts or other materials like hydrogel or bi-polymer. And while the result can present women with the asses that they're after, K. Michelle might be a glimpse of the host of complications that Instagram bodies can come with.
Last year, K. Michelle opened up on The Real about how her trouble with men led her to develop a negative self-image that she felt she could resolve with cosmetic surgery.
"I had a big ass. I already had one. I was insecure. I was like, 'I want a big ass, I want some titties, I want some teeth. This is what I wanna do.'"
The R&B singer continued on to discuss the pain she felt after the cosmetic surgery as a result of her body rejecting the injections. She said that over time, the surgeries began to affect her overall health, causing her to be extremely fatigued.
She explained that she began aching to a point where she could no longer walk and decided that it was time for a change.
"I just did it. It felt good. It was a temporary bandage on some issues with me, and it felt good at the moment. Now I just want to be me, who my mama made me."
Last year, she announced her decision to have her butt injections removed, but the process has not been easy. A tearful K. Michelle recently went live on Instagram during a blood transfusion in an effort to document her recovery. In the live video the Love and Hip Hop alum said tearfully:
"I've been sick. I'm doing better. So I love y'all, so much. It's been so rough. I've had blood transfusions, everything. It's been a really rough week. But I thank y'all for everything. I'm ok. I'm crying because I'm happy. I'm not crying because I'm sad. It's been so painful. It's been a lot. So I just thank God that I made it out on the other side."
Although she had undergone surgery in January to remove her butt implants, K had undergone complications despite her initiative to take the necessary steps to get her health and her body back right. In a lengthy Instagram post, she got transparent about just how traumatic her journey to getting her body back has been:
"January 12, I started a journey to correct a mistake I did over 6 years ago. The first surgery went well, so we thought, until my body started to shut down while I was on tour. For 26 cities, I was on steroids to walk and keep down infection, causing me to get off stage and be rushed to ER over 4 times and then the next day back on stage. I later found out the silicone had spread and I would be rushed back into surgery."
"Last Wednesday, I entered surgery barely functioning with my legs and an infection. The surgery to remove all of this from me lasted a long 6 hours. The following days were spent with paramedics until they realized my blood count was severely low and I was rushed into [the] ER where I was admitted. 2 blood transfusions later, I've been released and started therapy today [to] heal and walk. I have the most skilled and amazing reconstructive surgeon in Beverly Hills and I'm blessed to be here. It hurts my heart to know there are girls out here who can't afford to have the best and are just sitting around in pain and infection. I thought I was strong but this changed my life. I saw my life flash right in front of me."
"Rough" is an understatement and her journey is only a glimpse of what the reality of her and women like her have and will go through as a result of a decision based on a temporary fad.
It takes so much bravery to publicly confront the consequences of ripping the bandaid off of the insecurities that make us feel so damn unpretty. Fitness guru and self-love advocate Get Bodied by J has also opened up about her painful recovery process after having her butt injections removed in attempt to educate others. In one of her videos she said:
"If I had self-love in 2010, I would have never done this."
Both celebrities have been extremely candid throughout their healing processes and hope to prevent other women from making the decision that led to this ultra painful period in their life. K. Michelle said in an interview with Steve Harvey:
"Everybody was doing it. A lot of your favorite artists, we went to the same person. They're sick too, but I just talk about mine. I don't lie to y'all. I don't tell y'all, 'Oh, this is great!' It'll catch up. So I said, if I can show them my body, and what I did, I can also show them the outcome and the consequences of it. So I've been very open about it."
K. Michelle mentioned how easy it is to get swept up in following beauty trends, no matter what the cost, even if they happen to be deadly. Women like Get Bodied by J and K. Michelle have chosen to share their experiences to inspire positive self-image in other women and to remind them that nothing about them has to be artificial for them to be beautiful.
For generations, society has imposed their standards of beauty to exploit black bodies: beginning with women like Sarah Baartman. These standards have driven women of color to extraordinary lengths to reach unrealistic #BodyGoals. As women, we have to make the decision to save ourselves from ourselves, refute these ideals, and develop beauty standards based on our natural bodies.
Self-love is imperative to healing as a culture.
Featured image via The Real/FOX
RELATED
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images
