He Said Yes! We Asked Men How They Feel About Women Proposing
Shows like Married At First Sight and 90-Day Fiance prove that matrimony looks a little different than it did when our mother and grandmothers said their vows. Wedding traditions like jumping the broom and losing your virginity on your wedding night seem like a thing of the past, but there are some customs that seem like they will never go out of style.
For example, it is tradition that a man get down on one knee and propose to his wife-to-be, but with feminism on the rise causing a number of gender norms to be thrown out the window, it may soon become socially acceptable for a woman to ask for her man's hand in marriage.
Over the past few weeks, I've seen a number of videos where a woman gets down on one knee, followed with a slew of negative comments echoing the sentiment that it's a man's responsibility to propose. Some people have even used the Bible as a reference to support their argument, quoting a scripture I'm sure we're all familiar with:
"He that findeth a good woman, findeth a good thing; and of the Lord he shall draw up mirth (and he receiveth favour from the Lord)." (Proverbs 18:22-24)
Mind you, that description technically has nothing to do with a marriage proposal. The debate surrounding role reversal in marriage proposals has split the internet down the middle, so to get down to the bottom of this argument, I did a little bit of research. First, let's talk a little about how this ritual came to be in the first place.
In the past, marriage was symbolic of a business agreement between two families. Historically, marriage was a ritual that ensured that children were legitimately conceived. Many of these marriages were arranged and contrary to popular belief had little-to-nothing to do with love or religion. While the first documented marriage dates back to 2350 B.C., in Mesopotamia, other cultures like the Hebrews, Romans, and Greeks adopted the custom over the next hundred years and applied their own traditions. Marriage between two people didn't officially become associated with the Roman Catholic church until the eighth century, and marriage for love didn't become a concept until the middle ages.
Around the 18th century, it became more of a custom that people choose their own spouses, but still, women often played a muted role in this process. Whether their spouses were arranged or chosen by their own initiative, it has always been tradition that a man ask a woman (or her father) for her hand in marriage.
In a nutshell, there is no biblical or historical reason why a woman shouldn't propose. Getting down on one knee isn't necessarily reserved for one gender. If you love someone, and they love you, why shouldn't a woman feel comfortable enough with her man to propose? Because... double standards. That's why.
This male-dominated language of courtship has continued for centuries, but now, a number of women have taken it into their own hands to take their relationships into the next level. Before writing this article, I could not fathom getting down on one knee to propose to a potential suitor, but after reading other women's reasons for doing it, I can't help but think that asking for a man's hand in marriage is feminist and progressive AF.
Still wary of the concept, I took it to the streets and asked a few of my guy friends what they thought about a woman proposing. Here's what they had to say:
Clif Cooper, 27
Do you want to get married one day?: Yes
How would you feel if a woman proposed to you?: If a woman decided to propose to me, I think I would naturally feel awkward. Also, if the proposal of her asking me were to happen in a public setting, I would for sure feel nervous. I understand that progression exists and certain things change, but sometimes, it's OK to stick with tradition. Personally, I would want to be the one to put myself out there and ask for her hand in marriage.
Bryant Albert, 26
Do you want to get married one day?: Yes
How would you feel if a woman proposed to you?: I would feel like I haven't done my part as a man to make her feel wanted and secure enough to trust me to propose. Especially because that would be something I expressed in my relationship. I would take a great deal of pride in making her feel like the most special woman in the world. So, if she were to propose, I would have to assume that I gave her no other option.
Jordan Gray, 29
Do you want to get married one day?: Yes
How would you feel if a woman proposed to you?: If a woman proposed to me I would feel flattered. I'd feel flattered that someone found me worthy enough to want to marry me without me asking them. However, I would just feel uneasy because in my mind proposing to the spouse is the man's role. I feel like it has to do with masculinity in the relationship and my masculinity would have decreased.
Although time has passed, and marriage is no longer thought of as a business negotiation, it is still a formal agreement. One that, with discussion and planning, can be proposed by either party in the relationship. But before giving your man the chance to tell his family, "She went to Jared," take these things into consideration:
- Have you two discussed your thoughts and expectations of marriage to one another?
- Is he someone who would be flattered or insulted by such a grand gesture?
- What does it mean for your relationship if he says no?
- ASK HIM how he feels about the idea of a woman proposing.
I'm no marriage counselor, but the consensus of my friends' statements make it a "nah" for me dawg. It seems like proposing to their dream girl is a pretty big deal for men, and I would never want to rob my soon-to-be husband of that opportunity. But, I also know that every relationship is different, and some women say that proposing to their man took a lot of a pressure off of him and don't regret their decision one bit.
After gathering this information, I see that the reasons a lot of people don't agree with gender reversed proposals are rooted in a somewhat patriarchal ideology. After this survey, I also will admit that I will never, ever get down on one knee, but, knowing the historical background of marriage proposals makes me think twice about judging the next woman who decides to.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images