Gabrielle Union Shares The Secret To Being A Great Stepmom
Black love is alive and well, folks. And if you need any reminders, scroll on over to Dwyane Wade's Instagram to catch all the feels.
Whether they're relaxing by the beach or attending high-profile events, Dwyane Wade and Gabrielle Union exude true love, friendship, and all the things we think of when it comes to #couplegoals. But as they say, the grass is greenest where you water it, and in the Wades' case, they have had to overcome their own set of struggles.
Since getting married back in 2014, the couple has battled fertility issues, with Union recently revealing that she's finally been diagnosed with Adenomyosis after years of struggling through intense menstrual cycles and suffering eight or nine miscarriages. The blended family continues to thrive, however, with Union comfortably assuming the role as stepmother to Wade's four boys: sons Zaire, Zion and Xavier, and Wade's nephew, Dahveon, who also lives with them.
Related: Gabrielle Union on Infertility Diagnosis: "My Body Has Been a Prisoner of Trying to Get Pregnant"
The baller hubby recently took to Instagram to gush about his wife's role as a stepmom, stating that this is the actress' "most important role."
"She's a ⭐ in her most important role. I wanna acknowledge my wife and the kids stepmom for being everything that each boy and I have needed her to be. We couldn't have wished for more @gabunion … Thank you for loving us!"
Motherhood is not always for every woman, and sometimes something has to spark inside of you to even consider wanting to become one. For Union, she has previously confessed that she never pictured herself as a mother until she married Wade. Her connection with her stepsons has shown her how precious the act of motherhood can be, and she relishes in her role as a "bonus Mom." She told PEOPLE:
"I never wanted kids...Then I became a stepmom, and there was no place I'd rather be than with them."
Being a bonus mom comes with its own set of rules and regulations. For Union, she recognizes her boundaries as a stepmother, but also believes that it takes a village to raise the children. She wants to be there for the boys, both physically and emotionally, while lifting them up, teaching them valuable lessons, and remaining consistent and present in their everyday lives. She says of her role:
"The secret to being a good stepmom is to stay in your lane, to love them with everything that you have, but never forget that they have parents. Their parents hold the vast majority of the space, and it's your job to lift them up, support them, to have their back and to be an additional responsible, consistent, reasonable adult in the kids' lives. Getting to be a part of shaping our future leaders, watching them be compassionate and apply the lessons that you teach in your household, is so rewarding."
"The secret to being a good stepmom is to stay in your lane, to love them with everything that you have, but never forget that they have parents."
Union credits the way she was raised for this village mentality and even says they don't really use the term "stepparent". She revealed:
"And I found that way, but that comes from just the family that I come from and the way that we were raised, and nobody's left out. Not even stepparents. We don't even call it that!"
Related: 7 Things Every Bonus Mom Should Know
And in a world where race still plays a significant role in our daily lives, Union is fully aware that she is required to have certain uncomfortable conversations with her young, black stepsons. Earlier this year, Union revealed that she had to have a discussion about colorism with the boys, and had to address that the fact that the media has historically put lighter skinned women on a pedestal that causes society to see darker skinned women as less beautiful.
Coming from one of the most beautiful dark skinned women on the planet, I can imagine how uncomfortable yet empowering having this conversation must have been. She told Refinery29 about the time she asked the boys to show her the flyest black girls in their school, and this is what she said:
"Literally, probably about 10 girls I looked at had the same light skin, curly hair, tiny waist, butt, boobs — it was the same girl over and over again...So I asked them to show me the most beautiful chocolate sister they've seen. They say there are none. I was like, 'Why do they get exed out so fast? What is happening in your brain that is causing you to look at these women through a prism that is distorting their actual selves?'"
She also knows that she has to confront discussions about the way society may perceive black boys and men in general. Union says she consistently reinforces in the boys the sad reality that excessive force against black and brown boys at the hands of the police is a real issue in America.
Related: A Conversation With Gabrielle Union On Black Sexuality, Marriage And 'The Birth Of A Nation'
She also shares that she wants her stepsons to be aware that even though they are privileged, they still face the same dangers as any other black man in America. In regards to police confrontations and living in an open carry state, she says:
"Our conversations about race and police are constant. And even if society didn't give us hashtags everyday to prompt us we'd be talking about it...I don't trust our neighbors to not see our teenage boys, our tall teenage boys as children and not as threats to 'put down.'"
Bottom line: raising kids is not easy. From what we can see, Union carries this load with grace and power. When a man is able to not only recognize the strength it takes to raise his kids but reminds everyone how much he appreciates it, that is to be celebrated.
Shoutout to all the bonus moms out there: we see you and we appreciate you!
Featured image by Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock.com
Michelle Schmitz is a writer and editor based in Washington, DC originally from Ft Lauderdale, FL. A self-described ambivert, you can find her figuring out ways to read more than her monthly limit of The New York Times, attending concerts, and being a badass, multi-tasking supermom. She also runs her own blog MichelleSasha.com. Keep up with her latest moves on IG: @michellesashawrites and Twitter: @michellesashas
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Another season of Love Is Blind has come to a close, and almost two months later we’re still unpacking the drama that is Clay and AD. The finale, reunion, and post-interviews with Clay and AD after season six of Love Is Blind left millions of people wondering - why couldn’t AD see the signs? Clay told her he had a fear of marriage, his parents experienced infidelity, and he seemed to have many doubts about saying, "I do."
After changing his mind at the altar and hearing AD question why she feels like she’s never enough, I was finished watching. I didn’t need to hear anything else because, at that moment, I realized this wasn’t about Clay; this was about AD feeling inadequate before she ever met Clay.
If I’m honest, I don’t watch much dating television. TikTok keeps me updated with the clips that I need to see in order to be kept in the loop, but it’s difficult for me to watch an entire season of dating TV because seeing Black women settle for less and questioning their beauty is a trigger for me. In many ways, there were points in my life where I was AD, settling and ignoring red flags because I wanted to be loved.
Now, on the other side, it doesn’t feel good to see Black women lower their standards on national television. There have been many hot takes on this couple and who was in the wrong. Did Clay play in AD’s face or did she not listen to the truth of what he told her from day one? Was his reason for joining the show to promote his business and not to find the one?
We’ll never know the truth, but what we can do is learn tactics to better our self-worth. Founder and CEO of The Self Love Organization Denise Francis shared her expertise with xoNecole on what tangible steps to take to improve feelings of worthiness. “Self-love blooms in a garden where self-worth is planted, nourished, and whole. However, when your self-worth is challenged, displaced, or broken, it could be difficult to rebuild," Denise explains.
How To Rebuild Self-Worth
During her self-love coaching sessions, Denise likes to walk her clients through the cornerstones of rebuilding self-worth: grace and self-compassion. To her, self-worth is never lost, it's only displaced, so practicing self-compassion and giving yourself grace is a must. "We tend to place our self-worth in entities and people of ourselves such as relationship status, physical appearance, material possessions, social media followings, what others think of us, and more. Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth.
"Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth."
"When we place our value into people or things, we tend to feel that we are not enough, worth it, special, or important when relationship status, job titles, friendships, and physical appearances are lost or changed. We then tend to feel lost within ourselves because we’ve placed our value outside of ourselves. Using grace and compassion, you can rebuild your self-worth by returning home to who you are at your core," she concludes.
How To Return Home To Yourself
Denise advises taking a step back and using self-reflection through journaling by answering the following journaling prompts:
First, ask yourself, "What do you tend to attach your self-worth to and why?"
Is it your relationships, your job title, your finances, your appearance, etc.? Why do you think you place so much emphasis on external status? How does it make you feel when you are defining yourself through these entities and/or people outside of yourself?
Then, ask yourself, "Without these things, who am I?"
Once you have your answers, show yourself kindness, remove the shame, and, as Denise says, "Redefine yourself by detaching your value from the things and people you have no control over and no longer serve you. Challenge yourself to define yourself outside of titles and societal values."
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person. You begin to find value in the way you love instead of your relationship status, your compassion instead of your popularity, your drive instead of your income/job title, and your heart instead of your physical appearance," she adds.
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person."
"Be intentional with healing your self-worth by leaning into the people and things that nourish your core values. Surround yourself with the people who love and cherish you, they will always remind you just how valuable you truly are."
It all goes back to self-compassion and grace. As Denise explains, leading with those two things as you heal and rebuild your self-worth allows you to reduce negative self-talk that might come up for you. "This weakens thoughts like, 'I am not enough... why am I never enough?'" she shares, "And 'I don't deserve this while strengthening thoughts like 'I deserve better,' 'I am enough,' and 'I am worth it.'"
Denise continues, "Once you return home and remember the irreplaceable person you are, you can rebuild your self-worth by placing it back where it belongs. It belongs to you."
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Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images