We Talked To 9 Men About When They Know They’re Ready For Love
Have you ever wanted to know if your man really loves you? I mean really, REALLY loves you. Have you ever found yourself asking: 'How will I know if he really loves me?' Well, I have some comforting news: you're in good company.
The truth of the matter is: so have I. So has my best friend, probably your best friend; so have many other women. And believe it or not, so has Whitney Houston. So much so, that she wrote a whole song about it. And it's in that vein that I'll let you in on a little hard truth: we won't ever know. Our feelings can be misleading, our blinding love can be deceitful. We can say a prayer with every heartbeat but the fact of the matter is until that man backs up with actions what he says with his lips, women will never (and I mean never) know if a man really loves them. Or if they're even ready to love in the first place.
Courtesy of OWN
But, fortunately, all hope is not lost. Our favorite love show where black people get to meet and potentially find love in a hopeless place (known as Atlanta) is back for another season! The series, produced by Will Packer and hosted by Thomas "Nephew Tommy" Miles, has a new roster of highly sought after singles and has once again solidified a spot in our Saturday nights.
I got the chance recently to talk with 9 bachelors from the second season of the OWN Network show Ready to Love (airing Saturdays at 10/9c), where they let me in on their thoughts about love, commitment, and everything else in between and they did not disappoint.
Here's what they had to say:
Chimuka "Chika", 42
Courtesy of OWN
On the concept of courtship...
"Courtship is primarily on the man, however, I feel as if some women nowadays demand courtship and aren't worthy of courtship. And by that, I mean this: just because you're a woman, it doesn't mean you possess the qualities that a man is looking for in the 'woman for him.'''
On finding a compatible partner at this stage...
"Finding a partner at this particular stage in my life is easier for me. I know what I want, what I'm willing to tolerate, I'm financially stable, very aware of the red flags. I still leave room for mistakes or for things taken out of context. But I also know who I am and what I bring to OUR table."
On the things to know from the first date...
"Some things I'd like to know on the first date: are you separated or divorced? Where do you see yourself in two years? How ambitious are you? Do you have kids or do you want kids? Do you have a job or a career? On a scale of 1-10, how supportive are you—1 being horrible and 10 being superb."
Terrell, 42
Courtesy of OWN
On catering to the needs of your partner...
"I had the pleasure of growing up with sisters older and younger, with me as a middle child. I am very emotionally aware when it comes to expressing my needs but it becomes an awesome challenge to wake up and think, 'What can be done to add to my partner's happiness?'''
On how to revive courtship...
"The microwave mentality of dating has to change. Courtship is a true art of showing your partner creative romantic ways of how special they are. Courtship ultimately is a preview of what is to come, which is marriage."
On evolving to meet the needs of your partner...
"When in a committed relationship, I no longer live for myself but [for] us. Living for us will create change of old habits and create new ones. Selflessness is evolving one's mindset."
Jimmy, 40
Courtesy of OWN
On how his outlook on love has changed...
"I make better choices on who I decide to spend my time with. I secretly place them in top picks and bottom picks. A woman who I get to know will move to bottom pick in the event we just aren't vibing. I also spend more time on the phone now with who I really vibe with because I feel like a woman really doesn't vibe with you unless she gives you phone time. That texting mess is all smoke and mirrors."
On making your partner feel loved in a new relationship...
"I think public displays of affection are necessary when it's someone you really like. Holding hands, dancing together, and occasional kissing is dope. It usually makes her feel special."
On what the last relationship taught him...
"I've learned to love myself more, love taking care of me first, and that peace of mind starts with self-care."
Darin, 35
Courtesy of OWN
On how to impress a woman on the first date...
"I would advise not trying to impress a potential mate. Be yourself and take them to a place you enjoy or ask them what they enjoy doing!"
On making your partner feel secure in a new relationship...
"No one can make anyone feel any way at all. True happiness and love come from within. I would advise being secure with and loving yourself before dating anyone!"
On his love languages...
"My love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch."
London, 42
Courtesy of OWN
On what he looks for on the first date...
"Good vibes, energy, and chemistry."
On being vulnerable with your partner...
"I'm ready to get outside my comfort zone."
On what his love languages are...
"My love language is quality time."
Kerry, 51
Courtesy of OWN
On being vulnerable with your partner...
"Vulnerability for me happens when I feel I can trust someone who I [feel] genuinely cares about me as a person and future mate."
On what’s missing in today’s conversation of courtship...
"Belief systems, sharing clear expectations and boundaries, timelines, and shared goals for the relationship."
On what will sustain a relationship...
"It is the compatibility piece that sustains the relationship. I realize how easy it is to have quick surface connections with people who also have connections with other people as well."
Mario, 41
Courtesy of OWN
On being emotionally aware with your partner...
"I am very in-tune when it comes to catering to my partner. Communication is key when it comes to being open to their needs as well expressing my own. Closed mouths don't get fed."
On his love languages...
"My love language is acts of service."
On changing for love’s sake…
"Changing traits about myself will most definitely depend on who I'm changing those traits for and if I care to change those traits."
Mike, 40
Courtesy of OWN
On positive indicators on the first date...
"What I look out for is for her to not be so serious. I don't want our date to feel like it's an interview. Let's laugh a little bit let's joke some, I'm sure we'll get to the serious conversation when we were talking on the phone."
On what he’s learned from his last relationship...
"I learned how to not be so closed-off. I need to open up more when it comes to talking instead of walking away all the time."
On where to take a woman on the first date...
"I want to do what's going to make her happy, so I would ask her what's her favorite restaurant and start there."
Brent, 40
Courtesy of OWN
On what he looks for before committing...
"I look for a woman who makes it easy to trust her. She's open and honest about her past and her shortcomings. I also like a woman that's thoughtful and doesn't mind showing you how important you are to her life."
On the indicators of a compatible partner...
"I can't be with anyone who doesn't have a spiritual foundation or who doesn't believe in the economic empowerment of Black people in America."
On what to do to get to know a woman on the first date...
"I like taking a woman to the gym and putting her through one of my workouts. I want to see her effort, her drive, or if she'll complain or persevere. I'm big on fitness and a woman that can keep up with me and pushes past her own limitations is definitely a turn-on."
Be sure to catch Ready to Love every Saturday at 10/9c. And if you haven't already, watch the first full episode here.
Featured image courtesy of Instagram/@sellyourhomejimmyjones.
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Writer. Empath. Escapist. Young, gifted, and Black. Shanelle Genai is a proud Southern girl in a serious relationship with celebrity interviews, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and long walks down Sephora aisles. Keep up with her on IG @shanellegenai.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Everything You Want In Life Is On The Other Side Of A Venusian Upgrade
If you're an Astro girly to even the slightest degree, you probably know that Venus is the planet of love. But that's not all it is! Venus is also the planet of beauty, pleasure, and harmony. Now, what if I told you there's a way to harness that energy to live your best life, level up, and then some? The process is referred to as a "Venusian upgrade," a term coined by celebrity Astrologer Jade last summer.
And, while it will lead to sugar, spice, and all things nice – the main ingredient in this "upgrade" cocktail is hurt, pain, and upset (whatever it is that you call it when you get burnt). It's the equivalent of when that old flame dogs you out, makes a fool out of you, and you turn your tears into a healthy gym habit to flex on them.
However, according to Jade, the difference lies in the motivation – though we all seek revenge, this outcome is not and won't be for the gaze of those who hurt you – instead of being motivated by revenge, you're essentially motivated by abundance.
What Is a Venusian Upgrade?
"When I created 'A Venusian Upgrade,' I had the intention that I would put all vengeful and negative feelings into a positive transformation for myself. I've seen so many people struggle with transmuting energy – people who don't know how precious their life force is. Giving negative energy to others is taking away potential positive energy from yourself, and nothing ever really comes from it," she explained.
And, when I think about my personal experience with getting a better body in the name of making an ex pay for hurting me, she's absolutely right in that nothing positive comes of it; the attention mostly always leads to a toxic reconnection, interactions that cheapen and devalue you and your time, such as ex-sex.
Alternatively, when you commit to upgrading your Venus, it can lead to upgrades regarding "all things Venus," including relationships (platonic and romantic), finances, and appearance. All things that notably shifted for Jade since beginning this journey.
"Whatever it is that's hurt you in the past, that's hurting you now, or may hurt you in the future — give it to Venus. Put all of your negative feelings into something positive for Venus. Let the ugliness of pain turn you into something even more beautiful. Venus is directly tied to the metamorphic process in Astrology. It is a very natural thing to upgrade via looks, money, and relationships after a Venusian Upgrade."
"Whatever it is that's hurt you in the past, that's hurting you now, or may hurt you in the future — give it to Venus."
Jade speaks about her personal experience with upgrading Venus. She speaks about not being stifled by fear, which is not the same as being unafraid. After all, fear and even doubt are healthy – indicators you have a little sense. But, that doesn't mean you bow out. Seeing it through despite the fear is the faith the universe is waiting to reward.
Since undergoing her Venusian upgrade, Jade says she's "seen 10 times a return on investment through the inspiration" she's gained and the people she's met – inspiration and connections that unlocked her new life.
Much like anything else, you will need to invest in yourself – and this doesn't always necessitate a financial investment so much as a time investment or knowledge (i.e., taking the time to read this article on upgrading your Venus). "The main thing is time. Nobody likes delayed gratification. But, according to Venus, this is the best form of [gratification]! Taurus, a Venus-ruled sign, is the sign of the slow and steady. It represents patience. The best parts of Venus come through a patient process."
Jade reminds us that in traditional Astrology, "Venus represents a woman and a wife. Your Venus is like that; she's like the wife who requires your dedication, and in return, she graces your life with ease and beauty."
In any case of the "happy wife, happy life" mantra, "the happy wife" requires consistency. When the husband or opposite partner throws money at them once every blue moon to compensate for their distance or lack of consistency, it rarely makes the wife happy. According to Jade, it's the same in this scenario.
"Venus is the planet of 1:1 commitments, including to one's self," she continues. "You have to commit to the upgrades you want your Venus to have. You want better romance and friendships? You have to commit to investing in and improving those things. You want your income to improve? You have to commit to a trial and error process that lets you find out what's gonna provide your Venus with the sweetest return. This process takes time and dedication."
According to Jade, upgrading your Venus can look like a combination of any of the following:
- Elevate your every day. Dress like you’ve got somewhere to be every day instead of saving clothes for “special.” occasions. Think, Carrie Bradshaw but less obnoxious. Or, any one of the ladies on Girlfriends. Ditch the sweatpants and athleisure wear.
- Stop spinning the block on your ex. Get comfortable with leaving stagnant energy behind. This is one form of clutter but Jade recommends removing all clutter.
- Figure out your aesthetic, and correct color palettes – invest in those things. Perfect them.
- Don’t skimp on your beauty investments!
Curiously, I wondered about the way our own Venus placement shows up when seeking out a Venusian upgrade. Because in the same way we have a sun sign and moon sign, we also have a sign that accounts for every other planet – including Venus. But, no need to worry or delay your work by getting bogged down. Ultimately, the process is the same as "Venus is naturally connected to the transformation process, so it will hold this ability to upgrade and transmute no matter what sign it's in."
However, I imagine that knowing what sign your Venus is in will tell you the way you enjoy Venusian qualities. For this knowledge, Jade recommends looking into Astrology further by "learning about the house, then the sign, and then Venus as a planet." She adds, "Once you're done, you put it all together and reflect on how these things have played out in [your] life."
lambada/Getty Images
Giving your life a Venusian upgrade is not a concept you hear of frequently; it's only been recently, through Jade's work, that I've heard of it. Since its inception, there have been a few people who have felt inspired to echo Jade's work. What's more, is that the timing of Jade's discovery seems to be perfectly aligned with the recent transit of Pluto moving into the sign of Aquarius – where it will stay for the next 20 years.
But, wait, what do Venus and Pluto have to do with one another? That's what I wondered, myself.
"In Astrology, we know that the 4th house is the anchor of the chart. It's the house (area of life) that holds everything together at the bottom. During Pluto in Aquarius, the sign of Taurus (ruled by Venus) will act as this anchor. We can see this through the lens of derivative Astrology, but that's a whole other convo. Taurus being the anchor means that all things related to Venus come into play."
In turn, the things that Venus stands for also become anchors – beauty, relationships, and harmony.
Etsy
"Money becomes an anchor more than ever. Beauty becomes a stronger anchor. One-on-one relationships, and how harmonious they are, become paramount. These are the things that will hold us down at the bottom of it all during Pluto in Aquarius."
She further explains that this transit will highlight the "haves and the have-nots" in ways that make upgrading our Venus essential to not only surviving but thriving through this transit. Holding no pouches, Jade points out that in the absence of an upgraded Venus during this time, "you'll experience the other side of what I mentioned. Broke, ugly, and lonely. We don't want that."
One thing I know is that being bombarded with this information can be a lot, but I implore everyone to take a deep dive into Jade's social handles. All of this information is readily available. By her own admission, she's provided a step-by-step guide on the Venusian upgrade process before you ever pay a penny for her e-course.
I don't know about you, but the concept of the Venusian upgrade really excites me because, unlike the broader approach of manifesting, this feels more familiar and attainable. From a young age, my mom always told me she was motivated by people telling her she wouldn't be successful, and I've always adopted that mindset. Thus, I've been motivated to create the life I want for myself by tapping into people's projections or fears.
I've always thought this way on some level. Breakup? Cool, watch me show you what you're missing. And I go hard until I forget the initial purpose and remember myself. So, when I say it feels more attainable, I'm aware that I haven't been doing it completely correctly. Still, it's rather simple to reframe the mindset from being motivated by vengeance to being motivated by self-actualization.
From where I’m sitting, the Venusian upgrade is the only love spell (not literally) you’ll ever need.
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Featured image by bashta/Getty Images