Surviving The Pink As A Black Woman: How These Women Beat The Odds
While most 23-year-olds are basking in the accomplishment of graduating college, ready to take over the corporate or creative world in their respective careers or travel, Jasmine Skinner was on the verge of depression after testing positive for the BRCA2 mutation, a change in a gene that is responsible for proofreading cells to check for cancer. She learned that when that occurred, it put her at an increased risk for breast cancer.
Having already experienced her grandmother, aunt, and sister suffer from breast cancer, with her mother and sister both diagnosed around the same time (her mother twice), she knew the unfortunate possibility that lied ahead. Jasmine would spend the next few months fighting to control crying spells and dealing with high levels of anxiety out of fear that she'd be the next cancer patient. Would she get the chance to get married? Have kids? Travel? Do all that she set out to do? Or would she be next?
With such a long history of the cancer on both sides of her family, Jasmine decided she would embark on a journey of self-care to take the steps needed to try and prevent the same fate.
Jasmine's experience is not uncommon. Studies suggests that young black women have a higher rate of abnormal BRCA1 or BRCA2 genes. Additionally, while overall rates of breast cancer in black and white women are about the same, black women are 20-40% more likely to die from breast cancer and suffer from a more advanced form than our white counterparts. The reason for this disparity is likely due to several factors, including genetics, the biology of the cancer, and differences in healthcare. But a huge risk factor is the familial history and knowing the risk.
Dr. Monique Gary, Medical Director of Breast Health at Grand View Hospital and Surgical Oncologist, says that being educated on our family histories can be the toss-up between survival. "I tell patients to talk to their family to get the history," Dr. Gary explains. "We are sick as the secrets we keep. Screening guidelines for breast cancer are based on the patient's known risks so having an open dialogue is imperative."
Depending on your risks, screenings vary from patient to patient. The most common are mammograms and ultrasounds. Dr. Gary advises against opting out of one or the other and insists that they should be done in conjunction with one another. "Patients now have the option of 3D mammography with tomosynthesis, which is an electronic mammogram that allows 9 slices through the breast to thoroughly check. [It] is a great technique to detect breast cancer, specifically in women with dense breasts," she explains. "Ultrasounds are helpful because they look at the soft tissue of the breast and uses sound waves."
One screening method that is often overlooked is a self-breast examination.
For Jasmine's older sister Carlette, a lump felt during a self-breast examination was the first sign that something could be off. At 33, Carlette Knox was a working full-time wife, mother, and church community member who was also helping care for her and Jasmine's mom, who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer a second time. "I was living a fast-paced life because I was working, helping with my mom's care, and managing my family, which at the time consisted of my husband, son, and three foster children," Knox explains.
After discovering the lump, instead of immediately scheduling an appointment to see an Oncologist, she put it off for two months, which Dr. Gary says is a huge mistake that many women make.
"With Black women having higher risks for advanced breast cancer, putting appointments off can be detrimental because sometimes if the cancer progresses to a certain point, it's hard to halt or reverse it."
During the two months between discovery and her appointment, Carlette says the lump grew significantly larger and more tender. When the results from her breast cancer came back, she was stunned. "Going sooner could have made a big difference," she says. "When I finally went in, it was stage 3 and I opted to have a mastectomy (removal of the breast) because I had witnessed what my mom had experienced and did not want the cancer to make a comeback. By the time my surgery came, it was a stage 4."
Post-surgery, Carlette's treatment consisted of 16 chemotherapy treatments and five weeks of radiation after it was found that her lymph nodes were affected. Unlike many patients who experience horrible side effects of treatment, she considered herself lucky to have a different experience. "I never had nausea, vomiting, or things that most people experience. I did lose my hair; but, I didn't lose weight and maintained my appetite during my chemo," she says. "It was the same during my radiation also. Most patients I know suffered skin burns, so I felt guilty because I seemed to get off easily. But I credit my relatively healthy eating habits prior to diagnosis and my overall positive spirit from the date of diagnosis."
Lifestyle choices such as a balanced diet can not only prevent a woman from developing breast cancer, but according to Dr. Gary, can dictate how patients react to treatment. "You don't have to live a meatless or vegetarian lifestyle," Dr. Gary says. "Foods high in antioxidants the chomp away at cellular damage and that's what cancer is. Lean meats like lean chicken, beef and fish are good because they are low in fat content. The less preserved the meats and veggies are and the fresher it is, the more nutrients we get."
Purchasing organic foods and fresh vegetables as opposed to frozen options help with the nutrients needed to keep us healthy and work well with our cells. Before treatment, Dr. Gary preps her patients for an overall cleanse. "I tell patients to treat this like they are training for a marathon," she says. "During treatment, we must look at how to optimize our health during every stage of treatment and not just the measure of treatment. We have to treat our bodies well at every stage. Before surgery, I encourage an increase of antioxidants, fruits and vegetables."
Dr. Gary educates her patients on why such a thing is important, explaining radiation making patients tired, so keeping energy levels up are key. Side effects of chemo include symptoms like numbness in limbs, hair loss, nausea, and sometimes diarrhea. Unfortunately, Linda Martin experienced all of those side effects during her treatments.
After her diagnosis post her mammogram screening in her early 50's, she like Knox endured chemotherapy and radiation because her cancer was very aggressive. Linda had trouble eating, experienced stomach pains, and nausea. "I primarily followed a light diet that consisted of soup and even baby food," she explains. "I was also extremely tired and after treatment, I would be out of commission for about four days."
But like Carlette, Linda was determined to beat her cancer diagnosis and get back to her normal life. "I continued to work because it kept me sane and distracted. My job was supportive as well as my daughter. My main focus was to not succumb to the cancer so I did whatever my doctors told me and stayed as positive as possible."
Today, both Linda and Carlette remain breast cancer free. For Carlette, it was a huge feat, considering her mother's battle with breast cancer twice, with the second diagnosis leading to her death. That's unfortunately the case for many.
"Black women are much more likely to be diagnosed with triple-negative breast cancer, which can be more aggressive, harder to treat, and more likely to come back," explains Dr. Gary. "It's imperative that we take care of ourselves."
Carlette and Linda maintain healthy lifestyles to prevent having to deal with breast cancer again – and for Jasmine, at all.
Because she knows the likelihood of developing breast cancer, Jasmine takes her health seriously. "MRI's and monograms every 6 months are non-negotiable for me. I don't smoke. I do yoga. I eat healthy and I cook at home as often as possible."
To learn more about breast cancer prevention and treatment in black women, visit Sisters Network Inc.
Featured image via Jasmine Skinner
Brenda Alexander is a West Philly native with a love of the 3 W's: writing, wine and Whitney Houston. When she's not working or overanalyzing life, you can catch her praising Jesus with a bomb Gospel playlist or annoying those who love her as she listens to Christmas music all year round (her fascination with the holiday even produced a Christmas book). Her work has been featured on Mayvenn's Real Beautiful blog and CurlyNikki . Follow her excursions via Instagram @trulybrenda_
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images