Racially Ambiguous Women Discuss How Being Labeled As Such Has Shaped Their Identity
A few weeks ago, I read an article on the Huff Post, written by Cheryl Green Rosario, a black woman considered “white-passing" due to her fair complexion and seemingly not-so-obvious black attributes. In her post, she discussed the racism she experiences, first-hand, from white people who are unaware of the fact that she is indeed a biracial black woman.
Hearing her story reminded me of many ambiguous biracial women in my life that I've met on my own journey, who are also black women, but are questioned every single day. This isn't an uncommon thing. Celebs such as Halsey, Soledad O'Brien, and Rashida Jones, all share the same story as Cheryl.
This made me wonder, considering the state of the country—and even the world—today, what direct experiences have women with racial ambiguity encountered throughout their lives? What stories do they have to tell?
We found a few women to chat with us candidly about how being labeled as 'racially ambiguous' has shaped their identity. Here are the captivating stories we were told:
Heather Fulton | 25
Courtesy of Heather Fulton
Ethnicity: Black, White
Houston, TX | @heathersavonne
Growing up for me, I always felt different—and people definitely let me know that I was. Raised by my father, who is white, it wasn't uncommon for kids to ask if I was adopted. I remember being so confused as to why they would ask, because for me, he was just dad—and I only saw him as my dad. I never saw his skin as white or mine as tan.
Once people realized I was mixed, they'd call me a "mutt", which honestly didn't really hurt me. I was more so confused as to why other people were so inquisitive about it. I remember times when I'd go to the doctor or dentist—and even taking state tests in school—I'd have to fill out my ethnicity, without an accurate option. Sometimes I'd choose white, sometimes I'd choose black. It always confused me as to why I had to select my race in the first place but I did the best I could (thankfully over time, these same documents have become much more inclusive).
Today, almost every day, or multiple times a week, I am asked, “What is your ethnicity?" or "What are you?" Not many can tell but when I tell them, especially with my hair being so versatile, almost immediately they'd want to know who was white and who was black, which was intriguing to me. Most of the time I received praise and compliments for how I looked once they knew I was black and white. But, on the negative side, people always bring up how I was "acting white" or "oooh, that's the black side of you coming out," which is hurtful. Anything that I would do that was so-called negative or bad, someone would say, "That's your black side" or even use the n-word towards how I acted. On the other hand, if I spoke properly, dressed in certain brands, and straightened my hair, I'd be accused of wanting to be white. And sadly, I've noticed I'm more accepted, or I receive more compliments with straightened hair, as opposed to curly. This led me to a lifelong battle of hating my hair and being confused about my tan skin. Now, I finally have a great relationship with my curls and love them!
Ultimately, I've unfortunately spent my whole life trying to be balanced. To balance something means two separate things are coming together in unison being able to well...balance. Coincidentally, my zodiac sign is a Libra which is "the scales" or balance.
I've always felt the need to be one or the other because that's what I allowed society and other people to have an influence on me. Thankfully, I've found my identity in Christ now and I choose to see both sides for what they are: different, but equally unique and special without one outweighing the other. And in today's world, I can stand up for my African American brothers and sisters as a biracial woman.
I no longer shy away from saying, "I'm black and white," but instead, say it with pride and honor. I can only speak on the perspective of being black AND and white, not one or the other. I believe I've had the special privilege to be able to see on "both sides of the fence" but I refuse to stand on one side. I stand linking hands with both sides as a living breathing symbol of unity and love.
Acacia “Breeze” Arnold | 27
Courtesy of Acacia "Breeze" Arnold
Ethnicity: Black, White
Pasadena, CA | @bby.breeze
Growing up, I had a very unique experience. My father is black and my mother is white, but was adopted by a black woman. Culturally, everything I love and relate to is of black culture. My adopted grandmother primarily raised me. Her being from New York, the first in her family to obtain a college degree and a single mother raising a white child in the 60s, gave me the strength I have today. Being around a woman like that gives you a superhero-like strength.
When I was young, I never looked at race until the world looked at it for me.
I, for a period of time, went to a wealthy white middle and high school. When my father would pick me up from school and the teachers would pull me aside asking if I knew who that man was and if I felt safe leaving with him. While at these schools I was an outsider. I had a hard time making friends and it was one of the loneliest points in my life. I wondered why guys did not like me, I wondered why I did not have a lot of friends and junior year I decided to change high schools. I went to a performing arts high school in the LAUSD district and had a great experience due to there being so many different cultures, races and acceptance.
I was looking for acceptance to be who I was and am very thankful I found it.
When I would go to parties, my friends would bring up in discussion that I was half black as if I was a science experiment. They would say I don't look black or act black…as if there is one way to act if someone is black. And it's interesting, because black people have always been more accepting of me being mixed than white people. Some would even deny me being black. It's amusing that people think they get to decide if I am black or not, that has to be one the most privileged things I have ever encountered. Anyone that is a minority knows I am mixed, but they're generally unsure with what exactly. It is usually white people that are in disbelief and request to see a picture of my father.
I am proud of my background and one of the biggest ways I balance my identity is by surrounding myself with those who I relate to or those that wish to change the way of the world.
I stand up for what is right and anyone who wishes to question that is someone who is not in my immediate circle. I look at my identity similar to my morals and relate it to water: if I dilute my water supply, I will become dry and empty. When you do not embrace who you are, you will reach a point of emptiness because you are not being true to yourself.
As a stand-up comedian, I often shed light on injustice, showing those who do not understand a perspective in which they can and continuing to open eyes of those who cannot see. My goal is to inspire women to embrace their identity, strength and culture because that is what makes us so beautifully unique.
Savannah Taïder | 25
Courtesy of Savannah Taïder
Ethnicity: White, Algerian (Northern Africa)
Belgium | @savannahtaider
In elementary school, my first name and skin complexion always differentiated me from the other kids. In a little Belgium town, full of pale-skin girls usually named Amélie or Laura, Savannah was considered a pretty odd name. Additionally, bronze skin, was a pretty rare complexion. I remember being young and feeling so different from the others. Although none of my classmates or teachers ever rejected me, l felt like I didn't belong.
You know, when you're a kid, you appreciate the resemblance and similarities with your pals. I would have loved to have a best friend that could pass for my sister or a name twin. Instead, I was always standing in my singularity.
I believe this is the reason why I've always been drawn to people with similar or darker skin than mine. I immediately associated with them because of the color of our skin. Having observed the world around us, something told me that they, too, knew the feeling of being different. And thanks to my mom, colored skin, no matter what shade, became a beauty standard for me.
Anyway, I think I've always known race existed. I grew up playing with Asian, Black, and Caucasian baby dolls. Additionally, I was fortunate enough to not have been raised in a racist country (at least compared to America), so I don't know what it feels like to be treated differently because of my ethnicity, but I have had experiences. I remember the day one of my crushes said that my skin was too dark and not to his taste; it killed me inside. As women, especially during our youthful years, we often tend to do the most for the guys we like to like us back. But in this case, there was nothing I could do. Not about my skin. I also remember being taught about Rosa Parks, way in Belgium. Her story profoundly touched me and stuck with me since then.
The question I am asked the most is, "What are you?" I've been told many times that I'm "so ethnically ambiguous." When I tell them that my father is Algerian, they're like "Oh, you don't look Algerian. I thought you were..."
I'm often mistaken for Latin, Black, or that I'm Indian. And when I say people, it includes Black folks, but Arabs know. They can always tell I'm one of their daughters. "It's the nose and the hairy forearms," they often joke.
And because my name isn't culturally Algerian, I'm usually forced to answer an endless list of questions:
Why were you given an American name if you're Arab?
Do you have family in America?
Have you ever been to Algeria?
How come you're Christian and not Muslim?
Funny enough, I'm not offended when these type of comments are directed toward me. I don't even pay attention to what's said. However, it is admittedly difficult to deal with people's assumptions of my ethnicities. I just simply combat this by surrounding myself with decent people. #positivevibesonly
Michelle Redman | 27
Courtesy of Michelle Redman
Ethnicity: Bajan, Sicilian, African-American, Irish
Los Angeles, CA | @thedaringmillennial
I'm a native New Yorker, born and raised. I've always had such great pride being a Brooklynite. By growing up in such a large and diverse place, I always felt like I belonged; that's my identity. I believe that being from a diverse place is a gift in itself because I welcome my ethnic ambiguity being from the cultural melting pot of the world.
I grew up closely with three of my sisters, being raised by our father, who's black. I'm the only daughter with fair skin so it was obvious from very early on I was "white-passing" and children would certainly point that out being that I have a black family. This caused me to question my identity and where I fit in my own family.
Being biracial was always something I was aware of, and it used to be something that made me insecure by not feeling like I was black enough, and not quite white enough either. Fortunately, this all eventually taught me to embrace the beautiful blend that makes me unique.
Most people of color pickup that I'm biracial, and they're always interested in the eclectic mix of ethnicities. I've noticed white people generally don't realize I'm a woman of color, so I'm regarded as white to them until I'm not. And if my ethnicity comes up, they're usually surprised that I'm mixed, or then notice my 'exotic' attributes.
Today, there are so many systemic racial injustices that are perpetuated, and it's unacceptable. And I've definitely been in the middle of them all my life.
This racial divide is something we can evolve beyond and I believe it is happening despite all the negative news we see. Most news from major networks are grossly manipulated and orchestrated by the one-percent to give the illusion that it's the left versus the right or black versus white but really it's just the ultra affluent versus everyone else. When society is at odds, the super-rich prosper even more.
Us, the majority, the people that make up this democracy, need to make it our personal priority to go outside of our comfort zone, help others and listen more. Come from a place of respect and compassion for your fellow human instead of trying to find the differences in one another.
Despite it all, I don't feel the need to balance my identity. I am a multifaceted person with so many different attributes and qualities that allow me to be an effective communicator that spreads kindness and awareness every day. I practice gratitude and forge genuine connections with people on a mutual spiritual frequency.
This is where the true magic happens; connecting and forging authentic relationships with people—regardless of color.
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Feature image courtesy of Michelle Redman
Charmin Michelle is a southern native and creative spirit who works as a content marketer and events manager in Chicago. She enjoys traveling, #SummertimeChi, and the journey of mastering womanhood. Connect with her on Instagram @charminmichelle.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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These 11 Married Couples Share Their Keys To Long-Term Marital Success
The late actor Audrey Hepburn once said something that I think a lot of married couples who have at least 10 years under their belt will agree with: “If I get married, I want to be very married.” In my mind, this means very committed, very complementary, and very willing to go the distance — otherwise, what’s the point?
Really, what’s the point?
Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
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Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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Featured image by Jasper Cole/Getty Images