I'm not one for dating advice books because it often feels like one gender is blamed and must bend and conform to the whims and ways of another gender in order for a relationship to be built. I've had it with men who make a living from telling women how to be less of a nag and more mysterious, vague ambiguities that sprout from that "Cool Girl" archetype that's been hammered into our minds indicating that it's what men want. I care about men, don't get me wrong. But my sole existence in life has never been to add and subtract aspects of my being to better accommodate them.
My sole existence in life has never been to subtract aspects of my being to better accommodate men.
Suffice to say, dating advice books have never been IT to me. I usually find the most success in the quality of my relationships by working on myself first. I think that's why Don Miguel Ruiz's contribution to the relationship conversation through his book, Mastery of Love, spoke to me so much. Above all, his lesson remained one that was fundamental and that is:
You must find love and happiness in yourself and share that abundance with the other half of the relationship.
Be it your mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, friend, or lover. All relationships benefit from working on yourself, loving yourself, and being happy with you above all else. We are the sum of what has happened to us and that's why fear predominates in most people.
That fear trickles down into your feelings of self-worth and self-esteem, and affects the quality of who you attract in your life as well as the qualities of those independent relationships.
I have been in a funk for the past few months and even though these amazing things have been happening in my life, I was experiencing a lot of unhappiness and that affected how I felt about my relationship overall. I realized that I had a tendency to blame my partner for why I was unhappy, and that it was a recurring pattern in all of my adult relationships. Some were rightfully so, others, not so much. I'm notoriously a runner, afraid for the other shoe to drop, afraid of being hurt, afraid of settling, of not being happy, of giving myself over to someone and having that not be returned or reciprocated – a lot of which came from seeing my parents' deteriorating relationship over the years.
Owning up to my past pain and emotional baggage that I did not realize I had been carrying was the first step to me becoming aware of the space in me I was trying to fill with external distractions. I felt I had been asleep for a long time, believing that love was simply saying, but not realizing the part that I played in relationships requiring my love. I owed it to myself to not ignore memories, but instead embrace them and acknowledge my past hurts as a part of my life journey. It didn't necessarily define me, but it happened to me and it was time for me to be honest with myself about them in order to stop punishing the people around me for things others who came and went had done.
After that came knowing and accepting what made love and fear different from one another.
Love is free of obligations, fear is full of them. Love does not expect. Fear does. Love respects. Fear respects no one, not even themselves. Love doesn't feel sorry for others, but it knows compassion. Fear pities, fear feels sorry for everyone. Love has full responsibility. Fear avoids it. Love is kind, fear is not. Love is generous. Fear is selfish. Fear comes with conditions, while when in love, there are no conditions or reasons at all.
The list could go on for an eternity, encompassing the polar opposites that are fear and love.
It was the beginning of turning over a new leaf for my relationship with my partner, but also myself, and it began with the self. I realized how little I combated my partner over every little thing, how willing I was to let go of control, how acceptance allowed me to let him be who he was, and how much happier he and I were with the quality of our relationship once the demands stopped because I went back to making myself happy again. The book Mastery of Love reminded me that the key to happiness had everything to do with me, and once I remembered me, my relationship began to flourish like the flower it is.
And in case I needed further confirmation from the universe that my lessons were aligned with what I want down the road for myself, actor Will Smith spoke of his 17-year marriage to actress Jada Pinkett Smith at a panel discussion back in 2012:
"When I think about my relationship with Jada, when it comes to love, as soon as you put yourself in a love relationship, you've got to check your insecurities. When you love somebody, and you feel yourself slipping, you will fight, scratch, and claw, to not be in that uncomfortable space. You have traumas that happen with your mother and father, or an old girlfriend, or an old boyfriend, that you've got to address personally if you want to truly be able to love somebody. Our traumas keep us away from being able to truly love someone unconditionally....
"You have to be willing to collide with the weakest parts of yourself. You have to look at the things about you on a higher spiritual plane. You have to look at the things about you that are cowardly, that are angry or mean, resentful. You have to be able to look at those things about yourself that are not spiritually healthy parts. Love truly is when you change yourself for a better love with someone."
Will be knowin'.
What have you been reading lately to help you work on yourself?
Featured image by Sheriden Chanel/xoNecole
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Franco Zulueta
Entertaining Like Ayesha Curry: Expert Advice For Holidays Done Right
Be prepared to wow the crowd.
It’s officially the holiday season, which means parties and gatherings galore. Between Friendsgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve celebrations, many of us are preparing to host loved ones in our homes one or two times between now and the end of the year. No matter the occasion or season, hosting for family and friends is a labor of love. But we can also agree that entertaining can be overwhelming, especially for first-time hosts.
As a seasoned host and entertainer, Ayesha Curry knows something about creating a memorable event for loved ones. Whether preparing for an intimate dinner with your immediate family or hosting a larger crowd, your guests will think you are a pro this holiday season with her tips on everything from welcoming guests to setting a beautiful table.
Q: What is your top tip for hosting?
Ayesha Curry:Part of being a great host is spending time with your guests, which means you can’t be stuck in the kitchen. Prep is key! I usually serve wine with the meal, but a cocktail or mocktail is a great way to greet guests. I prep the garnish the night before and batch the drink just before guests arrive. When the party begins, I pull everything out of the fridge and am ready to serve.
Writer Note: If you would like to offer non-alcoholic beverages for your sober or sober-curious guests, I love Saint Viviana Cab. It maintains full-body cabernet and flavor; no one will ever guess it’s alcohol-free. You can easily create a signature mocktail using Bittermilk’s Smoked Honey Whiskey Sour mix.
Q: Do you suggest any prep for serving or cooking?
AC:I lay out all my serving dishes and utensils the night before with little post-it notes saying what goes where. That way, I’m not digging around for anything. For more elaborate menus, I lay out quarter sheet pans and label them with tape according to the dish. I prep and measure everything for each recipe and then load each sheet pan with everything needed to make the dish. I wrap each tray in saran or foil, stack them, and place them in the fridge. Pull out the sheet pan you need when cooking, and everything is ready. It’s something I learned at the restaurant that saves so much time.
Q: What’s one item that should always be on a dinner party menu?
AC: Bread or roll with butter is excellent for holding guests over if the kitchen is delayed.
Q: What’s one non-menu item you should always have on hand?
AC: For a non-menu item, wine!
Q: How do you decide on a theme or menu for a gathering?
AC: It all starts with the occasion and the guest list. If it’s a group that doesn’t know each other very well, I may get more elaborate with the theme to help break the ice. For a group of friends or family who don’t get to see each other very often, I usually keep it simple so the evening can be all about catching up. A great playlist, good wine, and a family-style menu are all you need.
Q: Should attendees be expected to bring a gift?
AC: If I’m hosting, I’m not expecting gifts. The gift is taking time to come over and enjoy a meal with me! But bringing something to enjoy at the gathering, like a bottle of wine, is always appreciated.
Q: What are three affordable gifts that guests can give a host?
AC:A bag of excellent coffee is a beautiful gift for a host. Sweet July’s House Blend Coffee is sourced from all-female co-ops, so it’s a gift I love to give to the women in my life. Whether it’s being served after dinner or just for the host to enjoy on their own, you can’t go wrong with a bag of high-end coffee.
Fresh flowers are great if you have a host who likes total control over the food and beverage menu. Go for something neutral in color that can work with any décor.
The Sweet July Olive Oil and Balsamic Vinegar set is my go-to host gift. Bottled in Napa, it’s a gift any foodie will appreciate - and use!
Q: What are some creative tablescape or decor ideas that you love?
AC: I like to keep my dinnerware neutral and classic (like this ceramic collection in nutmeg) and infuse color and texture through linens. For centerpieces, I want to use what I have in my yard. If it’s summer, it might be flowers or greenery, but interesting branches can also look architectural in tall, clear vases next to tapered candles in the colder months. There’s no need to spend a ton of money on flowers.
With Ayesha’s tips, you can create a holiday gathering that your family and friends will cherish forever.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Getty Images