How To Handle "Purpose Fatigue"
Something that I really love about my inner circle is, I can't think of one person in it who, not only knows what their purpose in life is but, they are totally thriving in it! As I shared in the article "5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose", they feel connected to the Giver of their purpose (God—Psalm 20:4); they are truly creative (inventive, original, productive); they use the gifts and talents that come to them naturally on a consistent basis; their purpose is not only benefiting them but many around them, and most of their days are good ones because they are purpose-minded and purpose-driven.
The only thing is, when you are this kind of individual, you either have the tendency to run yourself totally into the ground (even God rested on the seventh day, y'all…geeze) or you have moments when you are totally uninspired. No ideas come to you. If you're any kind of writer, you feel like you've come down with a bad case of writer's block. You're moody, irritable and can't really sleep. For days on end, you feel like you and your purpose are not in sync; it's basically like the two of you are only going through the motions.
If this is something you can relate to and it's driving you totally up the wall because, when you feel disconnected from your purpose on any level, there is a huge void—trust me, I totally get it. I also wouldn't worry too much about it. Sounds to me like you've got a little bit of what I call "purpose fatigue". You love your calling but, at the same time, you're feeling a little weary and drained about it.
It really is an uncomfortable feeling (again, I would know). But the good news is it's a season that will pass and there are some I've-tried-it-before-and-it-works ways to get through it.
Get to the Root of What’s Causing It
GiphyI would venture to say that a part of the reason why a lot of us can't find solutions for certain things in life is because we don't really know what the problem is in the first place. When it comes to something like purpose fatigue, while you may know that you're worn out, you might not be able to articulate exactly what got you there.
So, lie down on your bed, put on some 90s R&B (the slow stuff) and think about it. Is it because you're feeling overwhelmed? Is it because you're burning the candle at both ends? Is it because you're doing a lot of sowing without seeing much reaping? Is it because you don't feel supported? Maybe it's because no matter what you do, you feel stuck or you know that you're in your purpose but you're still struggling to make ends meet.
Or, maybe you just need to accept the reality of what artist John Mayer said in a recent interview with Complex—" Nobody can be a good pilot of their behavior and their creativity endlessly, successfully...You just can't be at the center of your own behavior as the creative director of all your thoughts without saying, 'I'm gonna come to the end of a winning streak here.' You have to get off the field for a minute and take a break and watch the world go by." So that you can recenter your focus and recharge yourself.
For each of these issues, there's a different plan of action that needs to be made. But do you see how, by knowing what exactly is wearing you out, you gain a greater sense of clarity on what you should do—and not do—next?
Avoid Overthinking
I have a client who, more times than not, after we get off of the phone, I have to take a nap. It's not because of their "issues"; it's because they are Olympians when it comes to overthinking. So much to the extent that their thoughts end up superseding the challenges that they have (i.e., making them so much worse).
One day, I'm going to write an entire piece on why overthinking is the ultimate no-no. For now,Inc. has a great piece with studies about how overthinking increases your chances of having a mental illness, totally disrupts your problem-solving abilities and totally jacks up your sleep (more on that in just a bit).
It's kind of common that when we're experiencing purpose fatigue, we're tempted to go down the rabbit holes of "Am I doing the right thing?", "I can't afford to take a break" or "Maybe I've been wrong about this all along", but all that's going to do is make mountains out of molehills. No one makes the best decisions when they're weary. The last thing your brain needs is you to put more stress onto it than it already has. Overthinking will do just that. So…stop.
Have a Change of Scenery
What should you do instead of putting your brain into overdrive? Take a day, weekend or week (if you can) to get as far away from anywhere where you work on your purpose a lot, whether that's your office (including home office), your devices or even your bedroom (you do know that bedrooms should only be reserved for sex and sleep, right? Google it sometime). Not only does a change of scenery give you the opportunity to relax, it actually works for, not against, you getting your purpose mojo back (check out "10 Reasons Changing Your Landscape Can Boost Creativity", "Why a Change of Scenery Is More Important Than You Think" and "Can a Change of Scenery Improve Your Productivity?").
Although taking a vacation would be awesome and ideal, I can speak from personal experience and say that just getting a hotel room for a night, sleeping in your girlfriend's guest room or hanging out in a movie theatre for a day with your phone turned off can make you feel like a new woman.
The same scenery can get boring after a while and boredom can be draining too. Changing your scenery could easily change your life, or at least this season of your life. Don't knock it until you've tried it.
Do Something That Inspires You
When it comes to purpose fatigue, this is a point that a lot of us miss because, if you're like me and you're in love with walking in your purpose, it can be challenging to be intentional about finding other sources of inspiration. For me, when I've had enough of keystrokes, I'll read a book by another author. When I am like, "I can't listen to one more married person's problems", I'll bless a couple with a hotel or B&B stay (if you happen to be a married person reading this, hit me up at shellie@xonecole.com; you never know if you might be next).
Inspiration is all about being influenced in a productive way and doing what makes you feel exhilarated; it's about doing something that reminds you of why you're operating in your purpose to begin with. What arouses you, what excites you, what even reassures you—whether that's volunteering somewhere, going to a concert or hanging out with positive people, make sure you do that. Inspiration is one of the best remedies for purpose fatigue.
Don’t Compare Yourself to Others
Envy has always been and will always be a temptation for us humans (check out "How to Stop Envying Your Favorite Celeb's Life"); but thanks—or, in this case, no thanks—to social media, it's almost impossible to not look at how someone else is movin' and shakin' when it comes to their purpose or passion and not envy them or, at the very least, compare where you are to where they are. In fact, I'm willing to bet good money that this is one of the leading causes of purpose fatigue.
If this is what has you so worn out, what's important to remember is it is super-counterproductive to compare your purpose—including the progress that you're making in it—to someone else's. Why? By definition, your purpose is the reason why you exist. It's connected to your own personality, your own gifts and talents, your own perspective, your own experiences, your own drive and ambition. Just because someone appears to be farther down the road, that doesn't mean they are "better" than you or that you have anything to be ashamed of. It simply means that they are doing them, just like you should be doing you.
Constantly comparing yourself will have you out here never fulfilling your purpose. If anything should "wear you out", it's letting the reality of what I just said really sink in.
Write Your Purpose a Love Letter
Mark Twain once said, "The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." Again, your purpose, by definition, is "the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc." If you know the very reason for why the Most High has placed you on this planet, you are more self-aware than a lot of folks (#facts). Take that awareness and write it a letter of love.
What do I mean by that? Take out an hour one day and literally talk to your purpose like it's the greatest love of your life. Tell it what draws you to it, what you appreciate about it, what you are willing to do for it and just how committed, until death, to it that you are. Then get it professionally printed and matted and hang it up in your bedroom or home office. In many ways, just like a marriage, you need to remind yourself why you are "in this thing" with your purpose to begin with. So that you can get back up and keep going.
Celebrate Your Progress
I have to admit that I have a pretty bad habit of setting a goal, reaching it and immediately moving on to what's next without taking the time to celebrate what I already accomplished. The reason why this can also lead to purpose fatigue is because if you're fully functioning in your purpose, there is always going to be something to do, goals to reach, higher levels to take on. No one is created to go constantly without taking some breaks along the way. Something that can relax you and refuel you is making the time to pat your own self on the back for the things that you've (already) done.
It's not cocky; it's self-acknowledgement. It's recognizing that you're doing what God put you here to do. If anything is worth commemorating, sis, it's that.
GET SOME SLEEP
GiphyAccording to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one-third of us don't get enough sleep. How much sleep is that? No less than seven hours, each and every night. Those of us who know our purpose and are extremely ambitious also know that we probably fall into this statistic. That ain't good either because sleep deprivation causes all kinds of drama and problems—irritability, anxiety, stress, lack of concentration, disorientation, hunger, weight again…and that's just the tip of the iceberg!
A contributor to this site recently wrote "'Team No Sleep' Is a Ridiculous Concept" and she's right. Not only that, but if you know you're not catching enough z-z-z's, there's a huge possibility that you're not purpose fatigued; you're physically fatigued. If that is the case, apply "10 Simple & Effective Ways to Improve Your Quality of Sleep" to your life for a week and then see how you feel.
I wouldn't be surprised in the least if after a few consecutive nights of rest, you'll look up and realize that this article may not have applied to you as much as you initially thought—and that you should bookmark it for another time. And season. All good. It'll be here.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
This Career Coach Gave Up A $103K Salary To Live In Her Purpose
5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose
Letting Go Of Perfection Helped Me Live My Purpose
This Former Stylist Quit Her Job To Follow Her Purpose Of Helping Homeless Women On Their Periods
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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It’s been nearly twenty years since India.Arie’s crown anthem, “I am not my hair,” gave Black women an affirmation to live by. What followed was a natural hair revolution that birthed a new level of self-love and acceptance. Concerns around how to better care for our hair birthed an entire new generation of entrepreneurs who benefitted from the power of the Black dollar. Retailers made room for product lines made for us, by us, on their shelves, and we further affirmed that though our hair doesn’t define us, it is part of our unique self-expression.
Today, that movement has turned into a wig uprising where Black women are able to experiment with colors, styles, and more without causing irreparable damage to our hair. It could even be said that we’ve arrived at a new level of acceptance: one that does not equate love of oneself to one’s willingness or lack thereof to wear her hair the way others deem acceptable. Not even other people who look like us.
However, as with Blackness itself, the issue of Black women’s hair is layered.
On the surface, it’s nothing more than a matter of personal preference. However, in a deeper dive, issues of texture, curl pattern, and of course, proximity to social acceptance, as well as other runoff streams from the waters of racism and patriarchy, rear their heads. The natural hair movement, though a wide-reaching and liberating community builder, also gave way to colorism and often upheld mainstream beauty standards.
Sometimes, favoring lighter-skinned influencers/creators with very specific hair textures, the white gaze leaked into our safe space and forced us to reckon with it. Accurate representations of natural hair in various states of being—undefined curls, kinks, and unlaid edges—are still absent from brand marketing. Protective styles, though intended to provide breaks from styling for our sensitive hair, have become a mask to help our hair be more palatable. A figurative straddle of the fence in order to appease the comfort of others in the face of our hair’s power.
And then there’s the issue of length.
Giphy
As a woman who has spent much of the last decade voluntarily wearing her hair in many variations of short hairstyles, from a pixie cut to a curly fro and a sleek bob, what I’ve gleaned throughout the years is that there is a glaring difference between how I am treated when wearing my hair short than when I opt for weaves, extensions or even grow it out slightly longer than my chin.
The differential treatment comes from women and men alike and spans professional and personal settings, including friends, coworkers, and industry peers.
What has become abundantly clear is that long hair is often conflated with beauty, softness, and any number of other words we relate to femininity in a way that short hair is not. That perceived marker of the essence of womanhood shows up in how I am received, communicated with, and complimented.
Even more so than texture, length has a way of deciding who among us is deserving of our attention, affection, and adoration. Whether naturally grown or proudly bought, the commentary around someone’s look or image greatly shifts when “inches” are present.
When it comes to long hair, we really, really do care.
In an effort to understand whether I had simply been misinterpreting the energy around my hair, I decided to take my findings to social media. I began with two side-by-side photos of myself. In both pictures, my hair is straightened; however, in one, I am wearing my signature pixie cut, and in the other, I am wearing extensions.
I posited that treatment based on hair length is a real thing, and what followed was confirmation that I was not alone in my feelings. “Long hair, like light skin, button noses, and being thin are all forms of social capital,” one user commented. “Some Black women enforce the status quo too, why wouldn’t we?”
Courtesy
This also brought to mind the many times celebrity women (like most recently Beyoncé's Cécred hair tutorial) have done big reveals of their own natural tresses in an attempt to silence any doubt that Black women are able to grow their hair beyond a certain length. Of course, we all know that to be true, so why do we still feel the need to prove it so?
The responses continued to pour in from women of all skin tones, who felt that hair length played a role in people’s treatment of them. “When I have short hair I always feel like people don’t treat me like a woman, they treat me like a kid,” another user commented. “When my hair is long I get a lot more respect for some reason.”
From revelations about feeling invisible to admitted shifts in their own perceived beauty, Black woman after Black woman poured out her experience as it relates to hair length. Though affirmed by their shared realities, knowing that reactions to something so trivial have become yet another hair battle for Black women to fight was disheartening. Though we continue to defy gravity and push the bounds of imagination and creativity by way of our strands, will it always be in response to the idea that we are, somehow, falling short?
Unlike more obvious instances of hair discrimination, the glorification of longer length is sneakier in its connection to Eurocentric beauty standards. Hair commercials, beauty ads, and even hip-hop music have long celebrated the idea of gloriously long tresses while holding onto the ignorant notion that it is inaccessible for Black women.
Even as we continue to fight to prove our hair professional, elegant, and worthy in its natural state to the world at large, we’ve also adopted harmful value markers of our own as a community. It’s evident in how we talk about who has the right to start a haircare line and which influencers we easily platform. It’s evident in the language we use to identify those with long hair versus short hair. And it’s painfully obvious in how we treat one another.
It makes me wonder if India.Arie’s brave rallying cry, almost two decades old in its existence, will ever actually hold true for us. Or will we just continue to invent new ways to uphold the harmful status quo?
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Feature image by Willie B. Thomas/ Getty Images