This year, the Victoria's Secret fashion show, which is set to air on November 28 on CBS, had some show-stopping moments. Balmain was the chosen designer and debuted his Victoria's Secret line, making this the first ever show where some models strutted down the runway in full-length jackets. Veteran model Alessandra Ambrosio announced that this would be her very last show with Victoria's Secret and would be retiring her wings. But the the best thing about this year's show (we might be a little biased) was that this was the absolute blackest show in the history of the show's 20-year run.
Meet the 17 melanated models that stomped the runway today in Shanghai:
1.Lais Ribeiro
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Lais Ribeiro is this year's bearer of the 600 carat, $2 million dollar fantasy bra. The 27-year old Brazilian-born model is only the 4th woman of color to have such an honor.
2.Herieth Paul
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Herieth Paul is the 21-year old daughter of a diplomat and hails from Canada by way of Tanzania. The African beauty made her debut with Victoria's Secret in 2016.
3.Leila Nda
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Leila Nda is a 26-year-old Burundian beauty that also happens to speak six languages. This is her second time walking for Victoria's Secret.
4.Cindy Bruna
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23-year old Cindy Bruna was the first model of color to be the face of Prada and, in 2013, she made her debut walk for Victoria's Secret.
5.Maria Borges
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Maria Borges is the 25-year-old Angolan best known for breaking fashion barriers. She was the first ever black woman to walk for Victoria's Secret in 2013 with natural hair.
6.Alanna Arrington
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Alanna Arrington graced the VS runaway for the second time this year. At only 19 years old, this Iowa native is one of the youngest to walk in this year's show.
7.Lameka Fox
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Lameka Fox made her second walk this year with Victoria's Secret. The 19-year-old grew up in Maryland training horses with her father, who is a Standardbred horse racer.
8.Leomie Anderson
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Leomie Anderson is one of the more seasoned models this year, as this is her third year stomping the runway. She hails from London, England.
9.Zuri Tibby
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Zuri Tibby is a 22-year-old Florida native that started her career modeling for Teen Vogue. This is her second time walking for VS.
10. Jasmine Tookes
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Jasmine Tookes is a 26-year-old California girl that is the daughter of celebrity stylist Carey Robinson. She draws her model inspiration from Tyra Banks.
11. Grace Bol
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Grace Bol made her debut stomp today and served up a beautiful bald head while she was at it. She was discovered at a mall in her hometown of Kansas City.
12. Alecia Morais
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Alecia Morais made her VS show debut this year. The 22-year old hails from Cape Verde.
13. Jourdana Elizabeth
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Jourdana Elizabeth is a Houston, TX native who walked her first Victoria's Secret show in 2016.
14. Aiden Curtiss
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Aiden Curtiss is multi-talented. Not only did the 19-year-old London native make her debut walk this year with Victoria's Secret, but she's also a skilled DJ and music producer.
15. Amilna Estevao
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Amilna Estevao is 18 years old and hails from Nigeria. She currently lives in New York City and hit the VS runway for the first time this year.
16. Samile Barmannelli
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Samile Barmannelli made her debut this year with Victoria's Secret. The 19-year-old Salvador native walked her first career show this year in Paris.
17. Dilone
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Dilone is the show's resident Dominican beauty. Originally from Long Island, NY, Dilone just goes by her last name (her first name is Mary) and made her VS runway debut in 2016.
Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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The Emotional Burden Of Friendships That Don’t Grow With You
As I approach 40, I have come to a point in my life where I am only interested in healthy and reciprocal connections. The connections that are in alignment. Connections that are filled with beauty, authenticity, joy, laughter, intention, transparency, and purpose. The kind of connections that bring you unforgettable moments and memories for this lifetime." This applies to family, friendships, colleagues, and/or romantic partners.
As compassionate, loving, and understanding as I can be, I just don’t have the energy or capacity in my life for anyone who cannot match the light I give. It’s frustrating, exhausting, and disappointing to deal with someone who cannot meet me where I am. I have to pause and consider if constantly being the one to hold space for people like this has an impact on my mental and emotional health. Yes, it does.
I have never been someone who is interested in transactional friendships, nor do I entertain them. The Sagittarius in me can really give a fuck. But at the same time and as contradicting as this is going to sound, I do understand that everyday life very much can get in the way of friendships. What can I say? It’s the empath and healer in me, too.
I think true friendships survive and thrive on people’s levels of emotional intelligence (EI), empathy, emotional maturity, shared boundaries, and mutual desire for growth.
With that said it's also emotionally difficult to be the friend who is completely invested in her growth, peace, and sense of self-worth or the friend who is dedicated to becoming the best version of herself regardless of the associated cost.
My willingness to grow and to be a whole person is not just for myself, but for the people in my life who equally show up and fill my cup. It’s for my future self, future life partner, and the life that is waiting for me. Let me just say it is painful to be the friend who has to watch people you love cycle through unhealthy behaviors or patterns because of their lack of self-awareness—behaviors that possibly may or may not harm you yet make you cringe.
Your love for them is loud, transparent, unconditional, honest, and genuine. You secretly hope that they push through their season because you wholeheartedly want the best for them. And I guess as I get older and the more self-aware I become, I know I am not alone in feeling this way. As my therapist has told me, “The choices and decisions that feel safe to you may be different to someone else based on what feels safe for them.” And ultimately, I have to accept it, as frustrating as it can be.
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But what happens when it's your bestie or a close friend who is emotionally unavailable? Regardless of circumstances, friendships are one of the most important human connections in our lives. We, as humans, desire to belong, to be seen and heard. We desire community and understanding. But what if your friend just simply can’t due to their mental and emotional capacity? At what point does the friendship become harmful and you are forced to make the decision to let go temporarily and/or indefinitely?
We often talk about emotional availability only in romantic relationships. We specifically explore this notion when it comes to men as potential romantic partners. But what we learned earlier this year in my article about my own emotional intimacy, is that women often struggle with emotional availability, too.
This is especially true when you have an insecure attachment style. An insecure attachment style can be described as anxious or avoidant. It’s our responsibility to become self-aware enough to meet our own emotional needs and regulate our own emotions first and foremost. With mental health and self-care at the center of our lives and social media feeds, we are all not okay. Life is life-ing. We are all going through it somehow or in some way.
Let’s explore how to recognize and navigate emotional unavailability in friendships because I am sure we all have that one friend that we don’t know how to repair with or move on from:
What Is Emotional Unavailability In Friendships?
We often misuse the term "emotionally unavailable" or mistake it for other behaviors related to mental health or emotions. If you are confused about what it means to be emotionally unavailable in terms of platonic connections, it is defined as the inability to sustain emotional connections and/or bonds, according to Healthline.
With seven years of therapy (and counting), I have come to understand that emotional unavailability can be situational or a defense mechanism. In my opinion, emotional unavailability can also involve someone who is in survival mode for too long. This can be someone who is experiencing an unexpected or difficult life transition. It also can show up as a trauma response. However, I feel as though the majority of the time, people’s level of emotional availability is simply due to a lack of self-awareness.
How Emotional Unavailability Show Up In Friendships
According to HerCampus.com, someone who is emotionally unavailable self-sabotages by having walls so deep they don’t allow themselves to get close to other people. People like this shy away from intimate relationships or conversations, too. They struggle to be vulnerable with others and have a legitimate fear of intimacy. An article by Uncover Counseling states that friendships also suffer when one or more parties are emotionally detached.
This means an emotionally unavailable person is often perceived as distant, unresponsive, or uninterested in maintaining a close relationship.
This may not be the intention of friends who exhibit this type of behavior, but let me reiterate that a level of self-awareness is required to undo the behavior. Over time, the bond between an emotionally available friend and a friend who is emotionally unavailable weakens. The friendship grows apart and results in what we know today as a friendship break up.
Coping With An Emotionally Unavailable Friend
It took me a long time to realize that what a friend chooses to say or do to me is never really about me. I used to internalize that I did something wrong or I was the blame for their emotional distance, but as an anxious attachment girlie, I learned that people were projecting their insecurities and unhealed wounds onto me.
More importantly, this is not for me to carry. An affirmation I say daily is, “What is mine is mine. What is theirs is theirs. I release what is not mine." It is just a simple reminder to myself that whatever that person is going through mentally or emotionally it is not my responsibility to fix.
So, how do you accept and deal with an emotionally unavailable friend? My response is with lots of grace, space, and clear boundaries. It's easy to say most people who lack self-awareness and the ability to hold space for others emotionally are toxic, but toxic is a word many of us overuse to describe anyone with unfavorable behavior. A HerCampus article advises acknowledging that friends who struggle with emotional availability can’t control it. It’s a defense mechanism related to mental health issues.
What we can do is be patient with our friends who struggle with expressing themselves emotionally. (Exhibit A: Me. And your girl has worked to correct her emotional detachment all year and is now emotionally stronger.)
Don’t stay too long in a friendship that does not equally fill your cup. Make sure your friend knows that you are a safe person or space for him or her to come to. This is done by ensuring that you are able to show up emotionally in conversations with your friends.
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Aisha Beau wrote, via The Shine App, that we must first acknowledge the emotionally unavailable friend’s behavior has to do with something outside the relationship. Once we have recognized said friend is unavailable, it’s our responsibility to decide how to engage. Please keep in mind not all circumstances are the same. Clinical psychologist Dr. Melissa Robinson-Brown told the mental health platform that coping with an emotionally unavailable person entails the following:
- Self-Check: Evaluate if you're also emotionally unavailable and if you're ready to be emotionally vulnerable.
- Have The Conversation: Address the other person’s ability to share emotions and hold emotional space for you.
- Create Space For Change: Give your friend the opportunity to show up differently without expecting perfection.
- Re-evaluate: If you’ve checked in with yourself and had a conversation with said friend - determine if that person’s action or inaction towards your need for closeness is worth your energy.
Signs That A Friend’s Emotional Unavailability Is Harmful
The signs of someone being emotionally unavailable are consistent and easily noticeable in any relationship. A major sign is inconsistency — and cold behavior. Defensiveness, insecurity, avoidance, or commitment to friendship. HerCampus further describes a person such as this, as someone who is unable to give their full attention and is neglectful to the friendship most of the time. They are uncomfortable talking about feelings about themselves or about their friendships as well.
I do not do well with inconsistency at all. Again, as an anxious-attachment-style girlie, inconsistency does not make me feel good. It does not make me safe, either. But I have also come to believe and understand it is solely my responsibility to self-regulate my thoughts and emotions when it comes to that particular friend. As much as I give my friends grace and space – I also have a bad habit of being excessively accommodating to people who exhibit emotionally unavailable behavior, too.
I subconsciously hoped that by being overly understanding and supportive, the person would stay in my life, knowing damn well whether that person stays or goes is not in my control. However, this is where strong boundaries come into play. And let me tell you, I am learning this right now with a certain friend. I do not want to have to question my place in someone's life.
It's painful to feel forced to intentionally create a physical and emotional distance that you never wanted to create, to begin with. The push and pull feels like a game, and I am not here for it. But the uncertainty? The absence of clarity? The anxiety? That feels far worse.
What I have to accept is that the current dynamics are unhealthy and not conducive to what I want and need in the type of friendships I would like to have in my 40s. I intuitively know if I don’t do what is right in my heart – whatever the future holds for our friendship will be completely destructive. Sometimes, temporary disengagement is necessary to cultivate a healthier dynamic. Like I said, healthy connectionsonly.
When To Walk Away From The Friendship
To walk away from any connection is difficult and very much a last resort. You have to evaluate what is important to you in a friendship, and those values must also hold true for the other person. When it comes to letting go of someone you valued as a friend, you have to decide what is best for you based on where you are now and where you are going.
Remember, it is not your job to fix your friend, nor are you their therapist, but it is your responsibility to identify and understand the purpose and type of friendship you have with that person.
There are levels to friendship. Ask yourself questions like, “Is this person just my running partner?” “Do we just have a good time together?” “Is she or he just someone I can laugh with and nothing more?” You have to decide what is best for you and your life. As with anything in life, you are required to protect your peace and energy at all costs.
My goal for 2024 was to emotionally reattach to myself, and I can happily say I am. I am not 100 percent there, but I feel the difference. What I have learned this year, when it comes to my own emotional unavailability and others, is that you have to want yourself first and foremost (and fortunately for me, I wholeheartedly do). Don’t be scared to communicate how a friend’s behavior affects you.
Don’t be scared to lose that friend if he or she is not aligned with where you are in your life. Sometimes, you have to let go for better to come in.
This can look like giving that friend an honest chance to reconcile with themselves first before he or she comes back to you. It can also look like making space for better friendships to come in, too.
If you know anything about me by now or my writing thus far – I will always choose myself first. It's non-negotiable. I love myself way too much now to repeat my past, patterns, and/or mistakes.
Be the friend who knows how to show up, but knows how to say, “In this moment we’re unaligned.” Be the friend that knows you absolutely deserve more in friendship. The friend who knows the light you give to others is an undeniable gift.
Be the good friend that got away.
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