Mary J. Blige's Divorce Should Make Us Rethink Prenups
When it comes to most women, there are two things you don't play about. Your man, and your money. But what happens when the man in your life is playing with your money?
After 12 years together, Mary J. Blige filed for divorce from her estranged husband, Kendu Isaacs. It seems like the battle finally ended on Friday, and the couple was able to reach a settlement in court.
For years, women have been taunted and challenged about their intentions when it comes to a man's wallet. In 2018, it's the year of financial glo-up and economic responsibility and women have ascended to a higher level of financial responsibility; the tables are turning. Now that we have more skin in the game, it's time to rethink the way about prenuptial agreements.
Blige filed for divorce in July 2016, and shortly after, allegations of Kendu's affair surfaced in the media. Despite not helping the legend pay the $12 million in debt that accrued over the time they spent married to one another, Kendu also felt entitled to his estranged wife paying for him as well - six figures at that. According to legal documents obtained by TMZ, Kendu initially requested $129,391 per month in temporary spousal support but was only granted $30,000.
I ain't saying he a gold digger, but he ain't... Never mind.
In my last relationship, we shared bank accounts. The lines of personal boundaries were blurred, which ultimately led to the end of our time together. When we broke up, he left the relationship with most of the money we had saved together because it was in his bank account.
I was left with nothing. We weren't married and certainly did not have any type of agreement set in place so that if we parted ways, we would both would come out equally because we had it in our minds that we would never part ways. This kind of thinking was romantic and cute, but it was not beneficial to my bottom line and my own personal interests.
According to Cherese Clark, a family lawyer, times have changed so the lengths that you go to protect your assets are important. Clark told Madame Noire:
"We are in a partnership, so that might look different if there's a divorce. Women are power players and powerhouses and have things to protect now."
Blige opened up recently in an interview with Variety magazine about how she used the turmoil she was facing in her life to create Florence, her Oscar-nominated character in the Netflix film, Mudbound:
"I'm doing OK. I'm living. I'm not happy about a lot of things. I thought someone loved me, right? Turns out, he was a con artist and he didn't, and now he's coming after me for all my money. When you come out of something like that you realize you were never the one. There was someone else that was his queen. I got played. I got suckered. I have to keep smiling and keep my spirits up because this is designed to kill me."
Mary J. Blige's messy divorce with her estranged husband is a lesson that women should rethink the way that we look at economic security. Even the strongest women are vulnerable with the ones that we love; so, we have to make sure we protect our hearts and our wallets.
Aunt Mary says that her main source of income comes from touring and that her tumultuous marriage and divorce have left her with a tremendous amount of debt. Despite the film's wild success and Oscar nomination, Blige says that being a part Mudbound actually cost her more than she profited from the endeavor.
No matter how great the love is that we have for our partner, self-preservation is most important.
We have to find a balance between our love lives and our finances and find a healthy medium where loving your partner doesn't compromise your financial security. Establishing clear boundaries is the first step in doing so. This looks like maintaining separate bank accounts, keeping track of your legal documents, and participating in dialogue about your individual financial responsibilities to one another.
Women should also consider drafting their own prenuptial agreements not because you think your marriage will fail, but because you have to protect your neck, and your assets in the end.
It's important to secure the bag, but it's also important to keep the bag secured.
Featured image by Araya Doheny/WireImage
- Mary J. Blige's Ex Reportedly Hospitalized Over Divorce Stress ... ›
- Mary J. Blige Spousal Support: Ex Demands Increase Over Divorce ... ›
- Mary J. Blige Settles Tumultuous Divorce Case | TMZ.com ›
- Mary J. Blige's husband blames divorce for hospitalization | Page Six ›
- Mary J. Blige Ordered to Pay Spousal Support, Nothing Close to ... ›
- Mary J. Blige To Have 'Divorce Settlement Talk' With Kendu Issacs ... ›
- Mary J. Blige Settles Divorce With Kendu Isaacs | MadameNoire ›
- Mary J. Blige settles messy divorce with Kendu Isaacs - theGrio ›
- Mary J. Blige Settles Divorce Before Oscars | Black America Web ›
- Mary J. Blige & Kendu Isaacs Reach Divorce Settlement | Rap-Up ›
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images