The Truth About Dating And Unrealistic Expectations
The "Men Are Trash" movement bothers me. As a feminist, I should be joining the marches and making posters for the movement. But, I'm not though. And the reason being is that I believe men are a lot more complicated and sensitive than we give than credit to be. Allow me to explain to you how I got here.
I am a listener and lover of the wildly popular podcast, The Read. Every week, there is a letter about a guy with great penis that a girl doesn't want to let go. Crissle and Kid Fury would begin their rants on trash men and saving yourself from heartbreak.
I would, nine times out of ten, agree with the advice; but as I laughed, I couldn't help but feel like a hypocrite.
The truth is, I know a ton of good black men.
The type who have been in relationships for five plus years. With no real drama or outside babies. You know, guys who hang out with their fathers on a regular basis. Or the type of men that spend Saturday mornings on three-way phone calls with their mom and sister.
Clearly, these types of men aren't trash. In fact, they have the qualities that we should all look for in a man. But, what if I told you that those exact same men, have attention issues and it plays out as them flirting with other women?
See, men are EXTREMELY sensitive and human.
They leave this vulnerable side for women they deem worthy, and as such, they treat personal things as something a woman must earn. Which makes me think, why aren't we doing the same? Why are we dying to bring the guy we just met to our family reunion?
We might have laughed at Tasha in Insecure, but some of us have been on date number one with a guy, thinking about future kids. This led me to the self-reflective question: Could it be that women have unrealistic expectations that leads us to thinking that a man has trash behavior?
When Jay released 4:44, I was obsessed with everything about the album. He came out and said that he's been leading us astray. This album was the manifestation of his motto, "Hov did that, so hopefully you don't have to go through that."
He told us he was trash, and the steps he had to take to overcome it. He even brought in more men with different points of views to show us, "Hey, men are complicated as f-ck."
They don't know what they are doing when it comes to love (any more than women). See, what I have come to realize is, traditionally, men aren't expected to figure out the "love shit." They must get money, provide for the family, be the protectors. AND, they can't cry or bitch about how hard it is.
With something as rare as this album (and the footnotes), there should be pieces celebrating vulnerability. You would think we would all talk about how some of the most powerful men in the industry discussed their shortcomings in love. Instead, it was the exact opposite. people were downing him for revealing his deepest secret. They even went so far as to say that Beyoncé wasn't a true feminist and she was DUMB for sticking around.
Can we just stop and laugh at that?! Has no one heard "Ring the Alarm"?
Bey put in years... Shit, a decade with this man. She made it clear she wouldn't just walk away from something she built. Plus, they have a MARRIAGE, not a relationship that doubles as a situationship. I'm ranting, but the point is, I found myself frustrated and disgusted by the public response.
It made me realize that men are not trash, we just have a distorted mentality when it comes to men in relationships.
Movies have ruined us all. They have us thinking that relationships are just a matter of finding the right person, who's attractive, makes you laugh, possibly gives you "leg-shaking orgasms," or, at the very least, has money. Then BAM, we're all set. Life falls into place, cue the happily ever after music. But, like Jerrod Carmichael said, there's a reason fairy tales don't have sequels.
The truth is, no one wants to see what it takes to sustain that level of happiness.
People see Michelle and Barack Obama now and laugh at their cute little love story. "Oh my gosh! A hole in the floor board of the car!"
But no one thinks about the constant internal debates Michelle probably went through during the "in between" period of her man becoming the love of her life that he grew to be. Sure, he was charming. Had swag too. But shit, he wasn't on her level. She was placing her bets on potential and her heart. I can just imagine the phone calls with her girlfriends back then: "A hole? His broke ass! Run Chelly, run!"
If you haven't been in a serious relationship, let me be the first to tell you, they are HARD. It's no fairy tale and there damn sure isn't a rule book to get it right.
So instead of saying, "Men are trash," let's say that men are complicated emotional human beings with penises.
Let's agree, they don't always get it right. Let's applaud a man when he reveals a weakness. Let's show some compassion and patience. Remember that even with money and #lifegoals, there are still real things to overcome in relationships.
- What Women Mean When We Say 'Men Are Trash' | HuffPost UK Life ›
- A History Of The Term “Men Are Trash” ›
- Men are trash and there's no arguing against it | News24 ›
- It's Time To Take Out The Trash Men In Our Lives ›
- How, if You're a Man, to Deal With the Fact That You're Probably Trash ›
- Men Are Trash Viral Twitter Thread Feminism ›
- Women banned from Facebook for saying 'men are trash' | Dazed ›
- Are men trash? ›
- Why 'Not All Men Are Trash' is no different than 'All Lives Matter ... ›
Honest Am is a Detroit-based writer and podcaster. She co-hosts Dear Showrunners and is the creator of the Honestly, Sis newsletter. She prides herself on her knack for finding life lessons in television, movies and celebrity drama. Jay-Z is her godfather and Kanye West is her spirit animal.
Keep up with her on social @AmBee and join the Honesty Circle here!
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images