I was cruising on auto-pilot; going through the motions of my daily life but not feeling as though I were really living. Holding a management position at my 9-5, I felt as if I were showing up every day but not really making an impact, nor did I care to put effort into doing so.
My personal relationship felt more like an obligation than the adventure that it was.
Socializing with friends was more of a chore than enjoyment.
My passion projects even began to feel like weights weighing me down.
If I were being unfair, I would say that those environments and those people were toxic and they were leaving me drained and unmotivated to put in any effort. But the truth is they weren't; it was something inside of me that wasn't allowing myself to live my life to the fullest or shine the brightest.
And while my loved ones did the best they could to engage, inspire, and uplift me, I could feel myself drifting further and further away.
Every morning I would lay in bed and promise myself that today would be different from the days before. I promised myself that today would be the day that I rose before the sun and started tackling all of the things and the people that I had on a back-burner.
But instead of getting up and doing something differently, I would feel chained to the bed were I would relive the memories of my life in a haze and come down on myself for wasting time or making those who love me feel as though I didn't love them.
Once I was all out of pity for myself, I would begin planning. I would no longer feel sorry for myself, so my inner saboteur used procrastination against me. I would lay in bed and plan, meticulously, the ways in which I would bounce back to being my bubbly and outgoing self. All of this planning, and still doing nothing really.
And after I was burnt out "planning" I would become overwhelmed by all of the work I planned out for myself. Instead of being empowering, it felt impossible.
Next dread would set in and I would begin to think of ways and excuses to get out of doing what I had just spent weeks planning and plotting in an effort to get out of the funk.
It was a destructive cycle. I won't even call it unproductive, because productivity is a construct, but I will say that the day in and day out depression and the feeling of being paralyzed was not a pleasant feeling at all. It was as though I were sinking into myself, free-falling into my soul, not a part of the world of which I lived.
It was terrifying.
And I honestly cannot remember where I got this advice, but the words "start small and start where you are" resonated with me. They sounded like a bell, the answer to my problem of existential dread and feeling of being burnt out. Just start living again… even if it's small steps.
So I picked up a book. Comparing my life to the life of others was one of the things that kept me feeling burnt out, so I thought to change that by reading. In the pile of books I purchased at the start of the pandemic that I said I was going to read, and two months later I hadn't picked up nary a one, I picked up Beloved by Toni Morrison.
Immediately, I was immersed in the world of Sethe and Denver, and was not only captivated by their story, but I was also reminded of what a brilliant and prolific writer Toni was. How she could create magic with her words and craft a story so profound that I was inspired to tap into my own creative writing energy.
After finishing Beloved, I was inspired to start again on a passion project I had put down, finishing my collection of poetry. I'm the type of person that dates poems or stories when I write them, and the last entry in my poetry journal was from two years prior. After reading Toni and picking my poetry journal back up, I churned out pages upon pages of drafts of poems. I was proud. I was excited to share. I was excited to get back to working on getting my book published.
I was so excited that I opened my laptop and began outlining a plan for completion for the project, researching costs associated, potential self-publishing platforms, hiring someone to design the cover, and hiring someone to help format. The cards were falling into place for this project that I had put on a back-burner for two years, and now after just a matter of weeks was on its way to completion.
As I began to immerse myself into long days and nights of pouring myself into writing, I began to feel the effects of no sleep on my body. I knew I needed rest to sustain this burst of energy and to not burn out again.
I usually struggled with taking breaks and rest, but I began going to sleep as soon as I needed to. When possible, I would sleep without setting an alarm. I would even leave my phone in another room so I could fall asleep without a screen in my face. I faced my thoughts and learned to not need a constant distraction from them by constantly scrolling social media. My rest became deeper, longer, and more healing. I found that daily my energy was increasing and my thoughts weren't as cloudy.
Since creating and resting were both equally important to me, I knew that I needed to gather better time management skills. After reading about others' experiences, I found a time management skill that works for me. Time blocking is a tip I use that allows me to allot specific amounts of time to specific tasks (both personal and professional). That way I can plan out my day, commit chunks of time to the to-do lists, and can be fully present and focused while doing that task because I know I've allotted time elsewhere in my day to do the other things I need to do. It took the anxiety away from having a day full of plans. I looked forward to them, they were more digestible and tangible.
Learning to make time in my days for the things I wanted and needed to do made my outlook on life brighter. It didn't seem overwhelming or as though there were no end in sight. I began to see it as the journey that it is and learn to look forward to the unknown that lies ahead.
I made time for my partner more and for friends more. I looked forward to plans and stopped looking for excuses to cancel. I could be fully present and there for the people that needed me without being consumed by my own inner turmoil.
And it all started with a small step.
What those small steps look like for you may be different than what it looked like for me. I picked up a book, but for you it may be taking a walk, cooking a meal, starting to journal, creating a morning ritual, or having daily prayer. But I want to pass along the knowledge and wisdom that starting small and starting where you are can be the first step in getting out of the smoke and fog that is a burnout.
Featured image by Shutterstock
I honestly was just looking for a part-time job; not a spiritual awakening. So when I became a fine jewelry consultant, little did I know I was in for a journey. The job was meant to be temporary and I never thought that it'd become anything other than something to do three to four times a week. But I quickly fell in love with the jewelry, taking the time to really appreciate the art and design of the pieces.
I was attracted to the beauty and the delicateness of gemstones and gold.
After setting aside a few coins, I decided to indulge myself in a 14-karat white-gold anniversary band with one-carat worth of diamond accents. It was the first piece of fine jewelry that I had ever purchased for myself. It was also the first piece of jewelry that I wore daily. It soon became a piece I'd never take off.
Before buying the ring, I had never paid much attention to my hands. Mainly because I'd consider myself to have chubby hands, and I never grew up with an appreciation for them. But by wearing my ring every day, I began to see my fingers and hands in a whole new light. They seemed tender, delicate, and sensual.
I began paying extra attention to getting my nails done, keeping my hands soft and supple, and being more intentional and graceful in the movements of my hand. I noticed all of these subtle changes in my behavior and attitude about my hands from just from wearing the ring.
After that, I wanted to see what else I could use jewelry to tap into.
As I worked my way through the ranks and worked in various levels of the fine jewelry industry, I added dozens of pieces of jewelry to my collection: delicate gold necklaces, bracelets, earrings, anklets, waist chains, golden bralettes, and more rings to my collection.
Each piece has helped me tap into sides of sensuality and sexuality that I didn't even know I was repressing.
Feeling the gentle touch of the stones and metals awakened senses in erogenous zones all over my body. Neck, wrists, ankles, tips of toes, tops of fingers, the ears, the waist, lips, nose and the chest are all considered by sexual health experts to be the top erogenous zones (otherwise known as areas most sensitive to touch).
Wearing jewelry that grazed against the tender skin made me pay more attention areas, and made me start to fall in love with all the different parts of my body.
I fell in love with the way that gold necklaces felt hugging my neck, drawing attention from my clavicle all the way down into the shadows of my cleavage.
Anklets made me pay more attention to my ankles and feet, and in turn I began to feel more grounded.
Bracelets made me feel tall and graceful; feeling the cool gold on my wrists made my arms feel lighter.
Waist chains and golden bralettes were my own little secret, pieces that the public didn't see but I could feel. I would be in a meeting and could feel the cool metal against my skin; the touch of the jewelry making me love the curves of my hips, the roundness of my belly, and the soft spots below my breasts.
Wearing a small diamond in my lip piercing made me pay attention to my pout, put me in a kissing mood, and made me conscious of how I speak and how I let words form in and flow out of my mouth.
I began to hone in on parts of myself that I took for granted, and was able to vibrate higher than before. Learning to love myself though jewelry made me want to care for my temple even more. I started taking my skincare and my eating habits even more seriously, wanting not only for the gold of the jewelry to glow, but for my skin to glow as well.
Loving the way my body looked made me want to make sure that I was doing all that I could to make sure I loved how my body felt.
Along with the sensual awakening and experience I would have when wearing jewelry, it also served as a source of attraction. My golden bralette would peak beneath my blouse and catch the eye of my date and I'm sure they would wish that they were as close to me as that chain. The jewelry would also serve as a kind of foreplay. Taking off the pieces layer by layer added another level and element to intimacy that I hadn't experienced before.
Not only was it something that could give me pleasure when worn, but it also gave my partner something new to explore on my body.
I also used stones, gems, and metals to attract certain energy and to manifest visions. I wear my citrine ring when I need to manifest joy and abundance. I wear my green quartz to channel my negative energy into positive energy. I use my tanzanite to uplift my spirit and to put warmth in my heart. I wear emeralds for prosperity, diamonds for elegance, and amethyst for healing and protection.
Tapping into my spiritual side through jewelry has not only been a way to indulge in luxury, but also a channel through which I can focus my energy. Just as one would adorn an altar with crystals, wands, and points, I adorn myself with crystals and gems for attraction and protection.
I love seeing black women indulge in luxury and all the while find their strength. I would love for all women to have a piece of jewelry that they wear regularly, and let it serve as a reminder to love, honor, and explore your body and your spirit.
Featured image via Giphy
I was so over church the day one of the older women in the congregation pulled me aside and basically said my tattoos and piercings made me look like a Jezebel.
No really, she called me a Jezebel. I was through.
I was raised in a church that identified as Baptist, and later went to one that identified as the Church of God in Christ (COGiC). Growing up, I liked reading scriptures and the history of the Bible. I had always been a very spiritually aware person, but one thing that used to throw me off was all of the rules and regulations that, to me, had nothing to do with the Bible. Length of clothing, wearing jewelry and makeup, hairstyles, hobbies and friendships seemed to all be regulated by men and not God.
I understood some "rules" were Biblical, given the seven sins and anecdotal stories in the Bible. Yet, as I grew older, I began to question a lot of things that happened in church that seemed to be more religiously correct motions and not practices that actually reflected a passion to please God, but more so a passion to please people. I continued to go to church, but as I began to challenge and question the religious practices, there seemed to be more and more tension between myself and fellow church-goers, especially the elders.
As I got older, I became more liberated in my way of thinking with topics such as feminism, sex, and self-expression. All of the views I possessed seemed to clash with my "religion". I had (and still have) many homosexual friends, and oftentimes I was questioned/scolded about my allegiance to the LBTQ community (even though I identify as heterosexual). Scripture after scripture and prayer after prayer were used to try to counter my argumentl and I felt that it was my duty not to judge, but love.
I began to study and embrace a feminist mentality, which led to chastising about going against the submissive way of thinking that a woman should have in the relationship with her husband. I didn't particularly think that being submissive to a man was a way to keep him, but the elders of the church thought otherwise. I'd always been fond of tattoos and piercing as forms of self-expression, and opted to utilize those methods as I got older. In return, many of my fellow church members thought the method of my expression meant that I was being sexually deviant and "loose", and that such methods took away from my femininity.
These different viewpoints and ways of thinking ultimately led me to stop going to church altogether.
I felt as though the religious space I was occupying was a space that used rules and regulations as a marker for your relationship with God or how perfect you could make that relationship seem. I didn't understand how following rules set by man could be indicative of whether or not I was following rules set by God. It seemed as though religion was more about pleasing the people you occupy religious spaces with, trying to impress them by how diligently and fervently you could follow religious doctrine and less about being accountable for how you ran your life. I knew people who followed all the rules set by the church but were seemingly breaking all rules set by God: their skirts were the appropriate length and their skin was virgin, yet they were rude, greedy, and had laid with plenty unwed.
After I left the church, I remained without a church home for some years, but continued to maintain my spiritual relationship by reading my Bible regularly, praying, and living life to my fullest by trying everyday to be kind, considerate, and honest. Even by finding my own spiritual path without a shepherd or communing weekly in a temple, I found that I was able to grow by working through my own trials and errors.
I was better able to examine my life and the mistakes I made by viewing myself through an introspective lens; not through the lens of those who were merely judging by how many rules or rituals I didn't live by.
I was better able to clearly see my life's purpose, my areas of spiritual weakness, and things I needed to work on as a member of humanity who happens to call themselves a Christian.
Yes, I did get tattoos, piercings, go out on Friday nights and break “rules" set by a church, but I realized that my true faults here things that were beyond superficial. I was able to work on my patience with others, become more open-minded and more in tune with the emotions and feelings of others. By taking a break from the church, I was able to figure myself out for myself without worrying about judgmental eyes peering over my shoulder.
Though I do miss the concept of a church family and being around people who share the same spiritual beliefs as me, right now I'm in a frame of mind where I feel as though the church I belong to needs to be a space where I can grow in my faith, instead of a place where I feel like I have to follow their rules. While I'm not currently actively searching for a new place of worship, I do hope to find a church family in the future.
Until then, I'll be very careful before aligning myself with a group that goes by "religion" and not by God's word and principles.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Originally published October 12, 2017
How I Plan To Survive My Family's Interrogation At The Dinner Table This Thankgsiving
At this stage in my life holiday gatherings are a bit of a chore.
I feel like I’m at a place where I’m not up to par with my family’s expectations of where I should be in life.
I’m 24 with no husband, no kids, in an entry-level career, and am still renting.
While this sounds like your typical millennial, I come from a line of overachievers who had their shit together early in life, and therefore, I am behind.
Normal families sit and talk/argue about politics, religion, and current events over turkey and mashed potatoes. My family does too, but we also like to play the classic game of “21 Questions”, aka “21 Ways in Which You’re Failing at Life”:
Are you seeing anyone?
NO.
Are you looking for someone?
NO.
Do you plan on getting married?
Maybe … Eventually … IDK honestly.
Are you gay?
NO.
How are your grades?
PASS.
You still trying to make it with that liberal arts degree?
Yes, I write for some sites here and there.
Do you plan to find a real job?
I’m working on it.
You can’t possibly plan to stay in that one-bedroom forever …
It’s just fine for me for now.
Which segways into “Unsolicited Life Advice From Grandma,” as she tells me that maybe if I spent more time trying to find a husband that maybe I wouldn’t have to bust my ass working, because then he could work and provide for the family and I could stay at home with the kids.
(I reply that kids aren’t in the ten year plan, which is met with a judgmental “hmmmph”).
Then we have “Successful Lawyer Uncle Who Is a Walking LinkedIn Profile” wanting to tell me how I should consider getting my Ph.D so I can be a real contender in today’s job market, all the while neglecting to offer any financial assistance with such an endeavor.
We follow up with the “Four Time Divorcee” cousin with four kids who feels that it is my duty as a woman to consider giving birth before the age of 40. She leaves out the part about her heading to court for every child she had after every failed marriage. But that's none of my business.
Each family member offers their two cents on how I can improve my life, even though I feel like I’ve accomplished a lot throughout the year, and have many goals and plans ahead, sometimes it feels as though I’ll never check off all of the feats on the list of life goals my family has set for me.
This year, I'm taking a new approach to the dinner table interrogation. I will no longer allow my family to make me feel like a failure.
Recently, I sat down and wrote out a long list of every positive thing I have going on in my life that I should be proud of. That list will be top of mind on Thanksgiving as I sit down at the dinner table in prepare for the interrogation. I will answer every question that seems to be pessimistic with optimism and excitement, and stand firm by the decisions I've made in life thus far. I plan to show my family that I have plans and goals in line, but that I’m moving at a pace that I’m comfortable with.
Most of all, I plan to show them that I am happy and making it!
I’ve gotten my finances together, paid off some loans, written for some dream magazines of mine, and have found my true passion AND my purpose (educating others through storytelling). I’ve made great connections in my industry, and the opportunities I’ve gotten within the past year have far exceeded my expectations. While I may not have reached every goal that was set by me, I’m proud of the fact that I can feel my growth spiritually, personally, and professionally.
[Tweet "I can feel my growth spiritually, personally, and professionally."]
A husband, child, career, and family of my own are all possibilities in the future, but right now I'm in no rush to acquire those things just to appease other people. I’m taking everything one step at of time without putting pressure on myself to live life on someone else's timeline.
Do you get those annoying life questions during the holidays? Share yours below!
There's something really rewarding about buying your first home.
You can finally throw the deuces to those pesky landlords and leasing agents that are telling you what you can and can't do in your own home, who you can invite over, and at what time of night. Not to mention that you're so tired of things breaking in your apartment or rental and having to wait for someone to realize that having a working toilet is kind of important, especially when you're throwing away paying your hard-earned money every month for a place that you barely even like instead of building your own equity.
But the truth is that as much as the American dream of being a homeowner has been sold to us, many millennials have no idea what it takes to actually buy a home for the first time. Sure, it can be a wonderful and exciting experience. The feeling of independence and stability is something that many look forward to as they begin to build a family. But it can also weigh heavy on the pockets with all of the costs that people forget to factor in, which is why it's important to do your research before signing on the dotted line.
Enter real estate guru Christian Ross, who has been helping young adults navigate the real estate market since her humble beginnings at a boutique real estate firm. Stressing the importance of first educating her clients on aspects of the real estate market such as looking as researching neighborhoods, looking at neighboring property values, and development history, Christian has become a tour de force in the industry. Her skills have even landed her a gig on television as a realtor for HGTV's House Hunters, where she helps combines her background in public relations with her real estate expertise to help buyers make get the best home at the best deal!
We teamed up with the real estate expert to get some tips and tricks on what to keep in mind when buying your first home (or buying again in this ever-changing market).
“First timers need to understand that they're going to be spending a lot during the home buying process," says Christian. “From hiring an agent, to paying for the home inspection, it costs a lot of coins up front to shop for a home. There's no window shopping in real estate."
Upfront costs are just one of the many things you should consider when buying a home! Check out more of the real estate gems we gathered from Christian.
Search the history of the neighborhood.
Read the local newspaper in the area to see what kinds of headlines are talked about- is there a new homicide per day, or are there softer pieces about the local community center's bake sale? Seeing what kinds of topics affect the community can tell you a bit about the activity you can expect.
Christian adds: "It's imperative to research the neighborhood. Know whether the community has historic buildings, or maybe the community is historic in itself- if it is you'll know that it may be a touristy area. Research the demographics, especially if you prefer diverse communities- that way you can know if you have a predominant race or class, or if it that area is a melting pot. Looking up census' past will give you insight into that kind of information."
Look into local politics.
You'll want to see how actively the local politicians are involved with the community- either with the schools or attending community events. This will let you know whether these politicians are in office to make effective change in the neighborhood, or whether they have larger political aspirations. If it's important to you to have local politicians deeply rooted in the community, you'll want to see their voting history, political campaigns, and the programs they implement at the grassroots level.
Christian adds: "Be sure to research gentrification in that area. Especially in neighborhoods that were previously known for being the “bad side of town", check out what gentrification may have done to the area. See where it may have pushed the homeless population, sex offenders, and things like that so you know how close those populations may be. Also, see if the area is being taken over by large corporations or hipster shops and businesses."
Research the nearby school system.
If you have children who will be attending the school(s) in the community, checking into the quality of the schools is something you'll want to invest time into. Even if you don't have children, the nearby school district still has an effect on you. A good school district increases a home's value, while a poor district may affect the value of the home. It also plays into property taxes, and whether you can expect levies to be on the local ballots, which also affect your taxes.
Christian adds: "Schooldigger.com is a great tool that gives you an in-depth analysis about the PTA, teachers, and community involvement in the school district. It's great to know about the district so you know what kind of education your child will be getting, and how well the relationship is between the school and the community. If you don't have kids, it's still good information to know so you can know what to expect as far as what issues may be on ballots (as far as levies go), and also what to expect as far as taxes in the area because of the district."
Look at local attractions.
Researching the things that are in your surrounding can give you a good idea of how conveniently things are located near you. A local tourist attraction will provide diversity in the area. It will also affect the prices if the options are slim. Pick an area where you have varying options in shopping and things to do, in an effort to save money and traveling time.
Christian adds: "You'll definitely want to look at the cost of living in the area. Your community may have a pretty high standard of living if there's a tourist attraction nearby. It also helps to look at things like that so you can see how much direct access you have to resources (or maybe not have). See how far the stores you frequent are from your home, or if your community has specialty shops. If you religiously shop at Whole Foods and the nearest one is an hour away, you may not want to choose that community."
Research local neighborhood organizations.
Seeing what organizations, whether nationally or locally, are active in the community can give you a sense of what kinds of issues are important to that particular area. For example, if the Boys & Girls Club of America has an active chapter in your area, you can tell that the care of children is something that the community actively supports. These things can indicate the kind of community you're entering, and you'll be able to determine whether your personal values align with the core values of the community.
Christian adds: "Check out the neighborhood meetings, town halls, request the minutes of homeowners association meeting to see what the local politics are like and how involved the community members are in decision making. If social collaboration and activism is important to you, you'll definitely want to see what that relationship is like between citizens and the local government."
Visit at various times of the day.
Checking out the neighborhood at different points throughout the day can let you know various details that are time-sensitive, specifically traffic. Pick a Monday, Friday, and weekend to stop by the area to see the changes in these patterns.
Christian adds:"Go by at night to see how safe a community may feel. Drive through on the weekend to see what the activity is like on a non-workday. Real estate agents don't know about those kinds of things because they don't live in the neighborhood themselves. Visit the area at different times to get a well-rounded idea of what the neighborhood may be like. Is it quiet during the day but rowdy at night? Are the weekdays pretty low-key, but the weekend brings the noise from neighbors who like to party? Is the neighborhood big into yard sales and letting kids host lemonade stands? Visit at different times to see how active it may be at any given moment."
Get a home inspection.
Upon making a serious offer, you should schedule a home inspection in order to judge the quality of the home and to expose any hidden issues. A home inspection will give you insight into the home you wouldn't be able to see with your eye, and can reveal things you wouldn't have thought of inspecting but are crucial to the buying of the home. Standard home inspections include reviewing the heating system, central air system, interior plumbing, electrical systems, insulation of various parts of the home, and tests the home's foundation and other structural components.
Checking these various elements are crucial to preventing unexpected surprises and buying a home that had pre-existing conditions that, once you sign, are up to you to fix. By identifying the major repairs that need to be made beforehand, you can demand that these repairs be made by the seller, or that they reduce the price of the home.
Christian adds: "The most important thing you can do is get a home inspection because it allows you to really see what you're going to get. You'd rather spend $400 for the inspection and find out there's a $10,000 problem than to buy the home, then find out all of the money you'll have to come out of pocket for on top of what you just spent to buy. An inspection is a snapshot of the home and can be a negotiating tactic as far as getting things fixed before you close, or maybe even lowering the price. If you have to put $10,000 into renovations, maybe ask them to either lower the selling price or make the renovations themselves."
Have a sit-down with the sellers.
Even though you talk to the sellers on a regular basis, having a sit-down conversation over coffee may give you specific insight into their experience in the home and community that will help you determine whether or not you truly want to live in that neighborhood. Discussing the seller's experience can help you determine if you want the same experience.
Christian adds: "If they're willing to do it, go for it (though their agent may be hesitant). Maybe it'd be a better idea to have this talk closer to closing, but definitely consider having a conversation with the sellers about their experience in the neighborhood. You'll get a better picture of the neighborhood, and see if their experience is one you're wanting to have in the home and in the area."
Is it worth the money?
Asking the sellers the kinds of taxes, insurance, upkeep costs (like landscaping and painting) and homeowners association dues they had to pay can let you know if there are any extra expenses added in when buying the home. Knowing these kinds of additional expenses can let you know if it's worth the investment.
Christian adds: "Make sure to find out what other expenses come with the home. Make sure you're getting out of it what you're putting into it. Another key here is make sure the taxes are up to date on the property and there are no hidden fees that will pop up once you sign. Get a clean bill of financial health on the home, and make sure it's worth your money before you close."
What's the market like in the area and surrounding neighborhoods?
Asking if there are foreclosed homes nearby is something that sellers don't particularly like to be asked, but it's crucial to the value of your home. Foreclosed home are usually low in property and buying value, and many foreclosed spaces turn into low-rent homes, meaning that you may constantly have new neighbors and the property value will remain low. If the property value of other homes in the area is low, you may be able to negotiate the price of your own home and offer a significantly reduced figure.
Christian adds: "Ask, or do your own research, on what other homes are going for in the area. This is another situation in which you want to make sure that the money you're about to put into the home in actually worth it. Some sellers try to make back their mortgage plus some on a home, so make sure you're not getting gypped."
Christian's Final Tip:
"Meet with a loan consultant before you even begin searching for a home and see what you truly qualify for (in terms of financing a home) and what's really in your budget. Also, make sure you have a solid understanding of how your loans and mortgage break down. It's always good to get approved for certain loans before you even consider buying a home that you can't pay for otherwise."
Pro Tip: You can use your 401K towards your down payment! Make sure that's one of the many options you explore with your loan consultant and your real estate agent.
Did we miss something? Share your home-buying tips below!