The Mishaps Of My 20s Equipped Me For The Dopeness Of My 30s
As I wrapped up the final days of my 20s, I did the usual reflection thing: the lists of lessons learned before 30 and spent a lot of time alone. I hear my thoughts best when it's just me and her and I am a huge believer in introspection. I added up the intensity of each milestone prior, divided by the overwhelming life teachers and decided that I was the average of everything I had experienced up until February 22, 2019.
I thought about the lovers, the Planned Parenthood scares, the friends laid to rest, the parties, the nights I can barely remember, and the times I literally fucked everything up. Overreacted, blew things out of proportion.
The fuck-ups were my favorites because now I can finally say with age, I begat wisdom.
Faith
While I became a mom at 18 and was shacked up before 25, I couldn't help but notice the friends of mine that had longed to have their own children and families by 30. Instead they were met with infertility scares and miscarriages. Miscarriages that weakened relationships and left some of my friends soul-searching as to why they weren't where they had planned to be when life goals were being discussed at recess in grade 3. Marriages that ended with no warning and lovers leading double lives. They didn't understand why others were more deserving of the blessings. It is in this period of confusion that we are taught to rebuild, renew, and recharge. There is strength in learning to stand on your own two feet. A superpower, if you will, that can never be taken from you.
That's when God is working on your faith and belief in the unseen.
Love
I don't remember what the fight was about. I just knew that we were trying to adult. Mainly because we were both tough-headed as shit and didn't follow rules. You could always see Shawn before you could hear him. He was annoying like that. I, on the other hand was a quiet firecracker. Barely spoke a peep but if I was ever pushed to my limit there was an unwritten warning that would tell everyone to take cover. We had yelling wars where I lost my voice and we had days of silent treatments and brushing each other in the hall. We mirrored what we were exposed to as kids but had to evolve to communicating as adults if we ever wanted things to change. He was my favorite mistake. Shawn taught me how to speak to my partner instead of speaking at him. He taught me that I teach others how to treat me. And most importantly, he taught me to never, ever give my power away.
Work
Professionally, I tended to be as much as a pushover as I was in my personal relationships. This was a result of the problem-solving I had learned in childhood. We didn't talk about things. We let them boil over 'til we couldn't take anymore which was followed by door slamming and the like. Fast forward a few years and I had begun to climb the corporate and entrepreneurial ladders at the same time. When it was time to address a colleague or a vendor for a missed deadline or miscommunication, I was harsh and unforgiving because I felt that professionalism was something that didn't need to be explained. Wrong. Not only did I need to learn the lesson of tact but I had to be able to decipher when I was allowing my emotions to lead.
My outlook on life at that time was that people were generally misleading with ulterior motives and I refused to be on the receiving end of their BS. You can see how holding such a belief was limiting in itself. It was imperative that this learning curve came when I had a job paying minimum wage and at the bottom of the ladder versus later on in life when I had an established brand and reputation to protect. God was working on my discernment and problem-solving.
Life Itself
Life, like the ultimate excursion, prepares us for the next chapter before we have any idea what it will look like. I liken this to travel. You pack your bags, ready for a whirlwind of adventure, read the itinerary and TripAdvisor reviews, and already know the destination for the tours. However, when you arrive at the hotel, there is a four-hour delay for your room that you didn't anticipate. Begrudgingly, you people-watch in the lobby and complain to your travel mates, forgetting that you're still exactly where you need to be. The hotel owner knew that they had to buy some time because he noticed that it was your birthday and wanted to specially prepare the room. Four hours later, you arrive to your room and are left speechless by all the small touches and personalized favors, as you pick out your outfit for the candlelit dinner, just for you.
When you feel as if everything you've invested in is going to shit, imagine that life's architect has paused the show and inserted an intermission to prepare and personalize the next chapter just for you.
I've decided that despite all my frantic planning, I don't drive this boat. I'm merely a passenger and my job is to make the best of every single moment. I don't wander aimlessly with no goal in mind, but as a more seasoned co-sailor, life has taught me to simply adjust my sails when the sea gets rough. I'm sure 40 will come with another revelation that leaves me better-equipped and with even more peace than the 30s. My 20s were packed with fuck-ups, and mishaps and ridiculously embarassing stories I'll never repeat.
If you can relate, know that in this next season, you're not immune to heartbreak, death and all of the other life stuff that we experience. The difference now is that when everything goes to shit, you aren't starting from scratch this time. You're rebuilding on wisdom, with resilience, discernment and knowledge in your toolbelt.
To be old and wise, you have to have first been young and dumb. Find comfort in that sentiment.
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Danielle Smith is a Toronto-based Personal Development Junkie on the gram @youbettaglowgirl. She keeps her hands full as a Writer, Speaker, Stylist & Non-Profit Founder, all while doing her most important job as a full-time mama of one. Marching to the beat of her own drum and a playlist of her favourite 90s R&B, she's blazed a path of her own.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage