Till Petty Do Us Part: How Arguing Changes In A Marriage
This past summer, a Jewish couple moved in next door. The first few weeks, my husband and I would see them in passing as we carried groceries or our napping three-year-old into the house. They'd be sitting on their front porch watching their three young boys rough house on the lawn, each with a yarmulke securely fastened to his head.
By late autumn, the arguments began. Through the paper-thin walls of our old West Philadelphia row homes, I could hear the wife screaming on several occasions, "You're a nobody and that's why nobody respects you." His reply, "Respect isn't paying bills or allowing you to be a stay at home mom."
It was typical arguing that any couple faces, particularly when two parents reach their breaking point every few months when it all becomes too much. As entertaining as the arguing could be at times, it reminded me of a gem actor Will Smith dropped on wife Jada's Facebook live show Red Table Talk while appearing as a guest on the season premiere. There he made a decent point about the ground rules he had made for the marriage after witnessing domestic violence in his own childhood. Already having one divorce in the works upon meeting Jada, his rules included the banning of profanity and violence in the household, a rule he jokes that wife Jada responded to by cussing him out. It made me think of the concept of "struggle love" as it refers to going through dark times with someone and helping them grow from unhealthy ideas vs. recognizing someone just isn't on your level and when you need to leave for your own self-care.
Marriage doesn't mean you completely know someone or accept all their flaws, but it does mean you're committed to working through difficult times with them.
Arguing changes when you're in a long-term relationship and building a life with someone, especially one that involves children. Before I got married, I didn't understand that living with someone day in and out, you'll routinely have periods when your partner just irks your soul. I recently spent a whole weekend trip slightly annoyed because my husband forgot the Spicy Funyuns I set aside. It wasn't a big deal, but he did manage to remember his Twizzlers, which I hate. And every time I saw him gnawing on red licorice, it was a reminder of how he rushes through things and sometimes forgets small details. Yes, all that over some onion-flavored corn snacks.
Arguments are unavoidable in a relationship, but every disagreement doesn't have to end in a battle royale, destroying one another's character and self-esteem. The next time you find your inner petty rising to the surface over your partner bringing the wrong road trip snacks, take into consideration the following:
1. Find a Partner Whose Arguing Style Complements Your Own
If you're "Shared Netflix Passwords" deep into a relationship, it may be too late for this, but it's important to find someone you can resolve conflict with, even after trading insults and expletives. When I am angry, my tongue needs deliverance. In the past, I've dated men who would trade F-bombs with me until what started as a minor disagreement ended in thrown toiletries and tears. (I almost blinded my ex-boyfriend with a stick of Suave antiperspirant). Those arguments were clearly unhealthy and got nowhere. When I met my husband, the one thing that stood out is that he wouldn't go blow for blow with me. He'd walk away until we both calmed down. It left me with some prime insults that will never see the light of day, but it also led to a healthier way to resolve conflict and kept me free of a criminal record.
2. Choose Your Battles
The dishwasher they forgot to unload. The dirty socks laying right next to the laundry basket. The fact that he left you on "Read" for twenty minutes. If I chose to tap into my inner petty every time I became slightly annoyed with my husband, I'd be the Savion Glover of arguing. In all seriousness, a stroke is third leading cause of death for Black women. Not every minor inconvenience is worthy of raising your blood pressure.
3. Address Issues When They Arise.
Like I said before, if you're packing your bags because your spouse left his beard hair in the sink for the fifteenth time, more than likely, your leaving has less to do with his shaving routine and more to do with much larger issues. In addition, what may be a problem to you may not be on your partner's radar and something they may not even be doing purposely. Sometimes taking time apart to cool down makes it that much easier to work through problems, but it can also be a form of procrastination if you're not careful. If you can discuss it calmly in the moment, don't wait to bring issues to your partner's attention.
4. Understand Tears Don't Solve Problems
They do however have a way of shelving the larger issue. When people are overwhelmed by emotion, it can often come out as tears or profanity, but if you're getting all misty-eyed as a means of manipulation, it's no longer about problem-solving. It's about winning or playing the victim. You're allowed to get emotional, but keep in mind that pulling out the Kleenex alone can't solve problems. Just like time, all they do is put the problem on hold.
5. Avoid Belittling and Name-calling
As tempting as it may be to tell my spouse, "He isn't s**t," or "F**k him and his entrepreneurial dreams," the fact is the low blows are unnecessary and furthermore, I don't believe them myself. During more challenging moments of conflict, it can be all too easy to get distracted by wanting to hurt your partner as they may have hurt you and totally forget about communicating and processing feelings. Focus on finding resolutions, not being crowned "The Queen Of Condescension."
6. Take Into Consideration the Example You’re Setting For Your Children
Parents often take consideration not to argue in front of their children, but honestly when it comes to learning conflict resolution, in many ways you're modeling the behavior you want them to one day display. We're all different people with diverse backgrounds and opinions, so conflict is inevitable. Think about the lessons you're teaching your children, particularly when it comes to communicating with the people they love. How can we tell them to not disrespect others in the world if we're setting the example to demean the very people they call family?
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Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
From Heartbreak To Healing: The Multifaceted Journey Of Nazanin Mandi
Nazanin Mandi is never out of options.
About a year ago, the 37-year-old life coach and actress was navigating life after divorce and determined to experience homeownership for the first time as a single woman. She’d been married to the R&B singer Miguel for three years, following a long-term relationship that started when she was 18 years old. But, in 2022, she filed for divorce. It was certainly the most public change she made but, in reality, it was just one of many decisions to refocus and reach her full potential in recent years.
“During my 20s, I was not ready for more. I was living a really crazy life. It was unpredictable. I was helping somebody else grow. It was a lot, and it was intense. I was not pouring into myself the way I should’ve been,” she says in an xoNecole exclusive.
Still, as Mandi worked to get to know herself and her needs during this new phase of life, she realized the home she’d purchased wasn’t a good fit. Overwhelmed by the echoing of her voice in the spacious home, she had a breakdown and called her cousin, who immediately suggested she lease the home and live somewhere else. “I woke up in my house, and I was like, ‘This is not it for me,” she says. “All those years, I had been accustomed to living a certain way [and] in a certain house, so I bought myself a house like [my old home]. But my family was not the same. Waking up in that house by myself, it highlighted the divorce. I was like, ‘Oh, no, we can’t do this. This is not it.’ My life has changed, so my choices need to change.” At that moment, Mandi became open to the idea that there wasn’t one set way to achieve ownership on her own.
“I feel so much better. I’m in a smaller place. My best friend lives a minute from me and I can walk to her house,” she tells me during a Zoom interview from her home one recent afternoon in early February. In the past two years, she hasn’t just been advising other people on varying circumstances, she’s also been healing herself.
"During my 20s, I was not ready for more. I was living a really crazy life. It was unpredictable. I was helping somebody else grow. It was a lot, and it was intense. I was not pouring into myself the way I should’ve been."
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
If supporters began following Nazanin Mandi because of her conventional beauty or the contagious, bright, white smile she often wears in many of her photos, that’s likely not the reason they’ve stuck around. Instead, she’s amassed a following based on her transparency about her own anxiety and depression, along with the encouraging messages of self-acceptance, gratitude, ambition, and humility that are often sprinkled into her social media posts.
In an era where looking at Instagram photos of models can often lead to feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, Nazanin Mandi is determined to be more than eye candy. She’s food for her follower’s souls, too.
Since being recruited to model while dining at an In-N-Out at 10 years old, Mandi has worked in many areas of entertainment. The Valencia, California native has modeled for brands such as Olay, Savage X Fenty, and Good American. As a teen, she sang at Carnegie Hall and auditioned for season 1 of American Idol, making it all the way to Hollywood before producers disqualified her for lying about her age. (Mandi was 15 at the time, and contestants had to be at least 16 years old.) Mandi has acted, too, including appearing on Disney’s That’s So Raven as a teenager and on the BET+ series Games People Play and the Prime series Á La Carte in more recent years.
In recent years, though, she’s also expanded her professional goals outside of entertainment, too. After becoming a certified life coach in 2020, Mandi launched the membership platform You Bloome in 2022 with the hopes of providing wellness services to others, including her self-published gratitude journal. “I wish I had access to something like You Bloome earlier in my own life,” she writes on the company’s website. The actress, who has been forthcoming about her struggles with anxiety and depression, has never had a life coach, but credits therapy as a tool that “really, really saved me and it laid the foundation to who I am becoming.”
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
"I’m trying to find the balance between living life and knowing that whatever is meant for me is going to happen, but also know that I’m doing everything in my power to make those things happen and better myself."
While she’s always had a nurturing personality, Mandi says her interest in becoming a life coach was inspired by the women who would message her for advice on social media. “I would answer them back. It really sparked a fire within myself to help people,” she says.
You Bloome currently has three membership tiers, ranging in price from $2.99 to $39.99 per month. The highest tier offers a motivational text message twice a week, two live, group coaching sessions per month, and more. “We get emotional. We cry. We laugh. It’s really beautiful. I’ve built close relationships with my members through this. It’s been inspiring both ways,” Mandi says of the sessions. Still, the founder says she hopes to take on more motivational and keynote speaking opportunities in the future with the hopes of impacting as many people as possible.
And, she’s hoping to do all of this while continuing to explore a career as an entertainer.
At this point in her life, Mandi says she’s gained enough perspective on modeling, music, and acting to realize what she wants to prioritize moving forward. “We are going full force with acting,” she says, noting her goal is “to book a series regular or a film that impacts my career and the world.” She plans to continue to model, too, but has no desire to pursue music.
“I don’t want any part of that because I know what that life entails,” she says. “I don’t want to tour. I don’t want to do any of that. That is not where my heart is at.”
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
If you ask Mandi, she’ll tell you she feels most comfortable in front of a camera, but she’ll also admit that she’s recently experienced a lot of imposter syndrome when thinking about her acting career. “I think it’s a fear of not succeeding,” she says. If anything, she adds, she’s harder on herself now than she’s ever been. “There were distractions before. There’s no distractions now,” she says. “I’m putting pressure on myself for no reason.”
This is where the life coach’s own personal healing comes into play. Mandi says she’s learning recently that “slow progress is still big progress at the end of the day.”
“Currently, I’m trying to find the balance between living life and knowing that whatever is meant for me is going to happen, but also know that I’m doing everything in my power to make those things happen and better myself,” she adds.
Still, one of Mandi’s strengths is that she doesn’t feel the pressure to limit herself to just one passion. From working as a life coach to pursuing acting, she has given herself grace to explore all other dreams.
“We can be allowed to be many different things in this lifetime,” she says. “As people, our identities are allowed to expand. Don’t put us in a fucking box. I cannot live that way anymore.”
For more of Nazanin, follow her on Instagram @nazaninmandi.
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Featured image by Solmaz Saberi
'Raising Kanan''s Hailey Kilgore Talks Seeing Herself In Jukebox & Broadway Background
Hailey Kilgore, who has brought the character Jukebox to life on Power Book III: Raising Kanan for the past three seasons, was working hard in show business long before landing the role on coveted Starz franchise. She's already a Tony- and Grammy-nominated talent whose credits include the Jennifer Hudson-led Aretha Franklin biopic Respect and the Tony-winning revival of Once on This Island.
Hailey may play a teen on the Mekai Curtis-centered series but she's been training in singing, acting, and performance since the tender age of 9—that's 16 years now. If you take a look at her social media profiles, it will almost make you do a double take as her real personality couldn't be further from what's depicted on the show—proving just how talented she really is. The Broadway veteran, who is gearing up to release her first album, is what many would describe a girl's girl wearing loads of sequins, gowns, and serving face!
This will prompt you to dig a little deeper to find out more about the girl who is a multi-hyphenate and earned two major nominations before even making it on the big screen.
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xoNecole caught up Hailey as season 3 came to an end and was surprised to learn that although they may be completely different people, her real life is mirroring what's going on with Jukebox in Raising Kanan. "I really made the epiphany season 3." She continued, "[Jukebox] just wants to be seen. She works so hard, she's a really sweet girl. She has a beautiful spirit and she just wants people to see her—to see how hard she works. I feel that right now. I'm like, please just see me. I know you love Jukebox...but there's a super cool girl in here and she's got a lot to say. A lot to contribute to the world artistically."
She even delved more into her background, telling us about the extensive training and hard work she's put in to get to this point. "I started training when I was 9. I trained in acting, singing, and performance." She further explained, "I did my first job when I was 12, so I've been doing this for awhile. Performing is what I love. I've always said I wanted to be Beyoncé when I grew up...I'm really blessed to have the resume and the background that I do."
The latest season of Power Book III: Raising Kanan has come to a close but in true fashion, Hailey is still hard at work. Her first single "Drama Queen" is out now and her debut album will be released on May 3. It's safe to say that Hailey is having her moment. One can't deny that she's worked hard for it and we can't wait to see what's next!
Watch the full interview below.
Hailey Kilgore AKA Jukebox on 'Raising Kanan' Talks Broadway Background
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